by True, Holli
“I didn’t realize just how homesick I was until I got here,” I said, smiling at both of them. And I meant it.
“Careful,” Tom warned with a sudden serious face, “she may not let you go back.” His face softened almost immediately and his broad smile warmed my heart.
There was an unexplainable comfort that I felt the moment I had walked in the door. So many things that I had taken for granted when I had lived there, that I appreciated so much more now that I was back home. A bedroom to call my own, a private bathroom, space to myself and home cooked meals. Simple things. Perfect things.
“You might have to take me back kicking and screaming at this rate,” I smiled, shoveling a bite of lasagna in my mouth. It was nice knowing I was missed and loved. It made me wish I had come back a lot sooner because I was suddenly certain that the cure for my broken heart was home.
. . .
As all holidays are, our day was a little chaotic. Typical kitchen drama over the turkey, caused by my grandma, just as always. Of course, she meant well, but it never failed to make my mom a little crazy. My Aunt Nikki, who had been divorced for more years than I could remember, arrived with her new boyfriend, Drew. He looked closer to my age than her own. I wasn’t the only one to think this. You can imagine my grandmother’s embarrassment when she assumed he was my boyfriend and not my aunt’s.
With my grandmother rendered speechless, my aunt quickly ushered Drew into the living room, where Tom and my grandfather were watching football. When she returned to the kitchen, my grandmother made no attempt at hiding her disapproval, which my Aunt Nikki found to be comical.
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Nicole! He’s practically a child!” she said with a disapproving look.
Aunt Nikki groaned under her breath, “Oh please, mother. Save the verbal lashings because I don’t want to hear it. It’s Thanksgiving!”
“What are you thinking?” My grandma shook her head, not about to let the topic die.
“Honestly, mom, I don’t think you want to know,” she fired back.
My mother, always the peacemaker between the two, continually showed support to both sides, agreeing with both of them. She tried repeatedly to interject random topics to change the subject until one finally stuck. Unfortunately, the topic was me.
This inspired my grandmother to spiral into a series of questions about my college life. She wanted to know about my classes, dancing, my roommate and how I was handling school work and a part time job. My Aunt Nikki, ruffling feathers once again, asked me to describe the hot college boys and sexy professors. My grandmother nearly had a coronary on the kitchen floor. This promptly switched the attention back to Aunt Nikki and I took the opportunity to escape the heat in the kitchen, literally.
The rest of the day was a blur, having spent the majority of it helping my mom with random tasks, like crafting an autumn inspired centerpiece for our dining room table, setting out the fine china and folding the burgundy cloth napkins to perfection. My grandmother masked her disapproval with polite smiles and light conversation during dinner.
When the dessert dishes were cleared, my grandparents, as always, gathered their coats, gave hugs and said their good-byes. They were facing an early morning with the holiday market kick off. As Christmas tree farmers, they hosted a wreath booth at the event every year. While my mom, Aunt Nikki and I ventured into the den, Tom and Drew retired to the living room. It was barely eleven when I was lagging up the stairs to my bedroom, ready to call it a night.
The next morning I awoke early, but rather than getting up right away, I pulled my fluffy down comforter up to my chin and curled myself into my sheets, completely content to stay in my bed all day. It was a simple pleasure, but one that I intended to take advantage of. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed my bedroom until that weekend and now I knew when I went back to school, it would be something I would crave.
My room looked exactly the way I had left it several months before. It was as though time had stood still there. From the rejected pile of folded clothes I had left sitting on top of my dresser to the tiled post-it notes spread across my desk with checklists and reminders for my big college move. Seeing that it had all remained untouched, was both comforting and a little strange.
It was nearly nine when I finally forced myself out of bed and into a hot shower. By ten I was trotting down the stairs feeling rejuvenated and ready to finally face my day. Tom was nowhere to be found, my mother seated on the couch with her feet tucked up underneath herself, watching a talk show. She smiled brightly at me when I entered the room, patting the seat next to her, signaling me to sit beside her. I happily obliged.
“I was about to go check on you,” my mom said from the corner of her mouth. “I can’t believe how late you slept, you must have been tired.”
I smiled at her, “I was just enjoying having some privacy, to be honest.”
“Considering you’re living in that shoe box they call a dorm room, I understand.” My mom smiled softly as she looked down at me.
“Shoe box is right,” I agreed. I had been waiting for the perfect time to bring up the apartment idea, but before I could spring it on her, she threw me a curve ball.
“You know, Nikki thinks you’re in love.”
“What?” I said too quickly, diverting my eyes away from hers. “Why would she think that?”
My mom shrugged, “She said you seem different, older somehow. I don’t know, she said she could tell that something has changed since you’ve left.”
I rolled my eyes and forced a small laugh, “Like Aunt Nikki knows anything about love. I’m pretty sure Drew is boyfriend number five since last Thanksgiving.”
She laughed softly, “You might be right, but I think she might be, too. I couldn’t place my finger on it, but something about you has definitely changed, Hailey.” She turned toward me and I knew that there was no way I was going to get around this conversation. “What’s his name?”
Before coming home, I had promised myself that I wouldn’t mention a word about Jonah to my mom. After all, it had been a month since I had seen him and what could I say anyway? That he’d broken my heart on the day he had left me and now I was miserable? That despite his absence, I couldn’t seem to escape the memory of him? That my love for him hadn’t faded in the least? The dire truth of the situation was far too embarrassing to admit, even to my mom, who knew me better than anyone.
“We broke up, so it doesn’t really matter,” I said, biting my lip to keep from saying more.
“Oh, honey!” she exclaimed, scooping my hand into both of hers. “Heartbreak is so hard!”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I muttered, keeping my eyes forward. If I looked at her, the tears would start.
“I understand, honey,” her tone soft and comforting, “I promise I do. But sometimes it really does help to talk about it.”
“Honestly, mom, all I’ve done is talk about it and I’m sick of being told the same thing over and over again. That I have to get over it, let him go, move on.” I felt my face crumple as the familiar throbs of pain pulsed in my chest. “But, letting go is the last thing I want to do.”
My mom squeezed my hand in hers, “Then don’t.” Her response was so simple, but so sure.
“What do you mean?” I mumbled in confusion.
“Exactly what I said, Hailey. If you aren’t ready to move on, then don’t. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or if they understand the way you feel. Listen to what your heart is telling you, always lead with that.”
I sighed, trying to process her words. Truth was, I had been listening to my heart, but it hadn’t gotten me anywhere. “If I could just tell him,” the thought escaped my mouth, my words meant more for me than my mother.
Confusion spread across my mother’s face. “Does this boy not know how you feel?”
“He knows,” I clarified. “I just, I haven’t seen him since he broke things off.”
“So, call him to explain how you are feelin
g.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and slowly shook my head, “I can’t do that.” Which was true, I literally couldn’t call him. No phone.
“What’s stopping you?”
Feeling restless, I stood from the couch and paced the living room slowly. “It’s been a month since I’ve seen him,” I explained. “And right now, the only thing I want to do is tell him exactly how I feel. Saying these things to him isn’t what scares me, mom. Accepting that I may never have the chance to, that’s what terrifies me.”
My mom stood and walked across the room to where I stood. She wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear, “If you love him, and I can see that you do, you will get the chance, Hailey. Believe that.”
I had to believe it because the other option wasn’t one I could live with.
. . .
Saturday morning I found myself working in my grandparents wreath booth at the holiday market. As Christmas Tree farmers, working various fairs over the holidays was something they always did every year. Working in their booths had become a bit of a family tradition, this year was no exception.
With my mom and grandmother working at the register and my grandfather chatting up potential buyers about the various types of wreaths they offered, my Aunt Nikki and I were assigned to be greeters, per the usual. We stood at the front of the covered tent, at the entrance of the booth, with folded brochures in hand.
“So, what did you think about Drew?” my aunt asked, keeping her eyes on a passerby, smiling a greeting at them.
“He seems nice enough,” I said with a shrug of the shoulders, “I didn’t really get to talk to him much. Isn’t it more important what you think of him?”
Aunt Nikki turned to me abruptly with a bewildered expression, a broad smile spread across her perfectly glossed lips. “I love you, kid.” She reached out and squeezed my arm, “Yes. That is what really matters, I tend to lose sight of that whenever I’m in presence of my overbearing mother.”
I smiled back at her, “I don’t know much about love, but I do know that when it’s right for you, it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks.”
“Sounds like you know better than most,” she said, still looking amused.
“I’m sure grandma means well,” I offered.
“I doubt that,” she said, glancing over her shoulder in her direction. “She can’t stand it that I’m not married and producing grandchildren, yet she despises every man I introduce her to. I can’t win,” she sighed heavily.
I bit my bottom lip and hesitated for a moment, “Do you think Drew is someone you could marry?”
“God no! Not a chance in hell!” she exclaimed through a fit of laughter. “I didn’t say I wanted to settle down and start popping out children, Hailey. In fact, that’s the last thing I want to do, I much prefer coming and going as I please. To be honest, I may never get married again.”
“Really?” I couldn’t help but ask.
Aunt Nikki hesitated, no trace of a smile left on her face. “We aren’t all lucky enough to have relationships like your parents had. That’s rare, Hailey. Really rare,” she concluded, shaking her head. “When I was married to Troy, I thought I had it all. But I didn’t know him, not like I should have before marrying him. He just, he seemed so perfect. Too perfect, really. But it was all smoke and mirrors, hiding behind the perfect persona was a very flawed man with a ton of issues. Infidelity being his biggest downfall. But I was so in love with the idea of being in love, I ignored all of the warning signs. Look where that got me,” she said, a hint of bitterness in her tone.
“I had no idea,” I said in shock. “I’m so sorry!”
“At the time, you were too young to know the truth.”
I only vaguely remembered Troy. “What ever happened to him?” I asked out of idle curiosity.
“Well, he remarried a few years later, but that didn’t last. The last I heard about him, he was living in Texas with his sister.”
“And you really don’t think you’ll ever get married again?” I couldn’t help but ask.
Aunt Nikki took a deep breath as she raised her shoulders, “I had this really romantic idea that I would only marry once. That I’d spend my life vowed to one man, for the rest of my life.” She suddenly laughed, “I was so naïve.”
I frowned at her cynicism. Though, thinking back to all of the men she had dated in the past, I had always wondered what she had seen in any of them. My mom had always voiced her frustration about her choice in men. It was clear now that Aunt Nikki had been temporarily filling a void with men she had no intention of building a life with. She had done this on purpose, unbeknownst to the rest of us.
“Don’t look so surprised, Hailey. I’m happily living the life I want to live,” she said trying to reassure me with a smile, though I couldn’t ignore the sadness in her eyes.
I wasn’t so convinced that what she was saying to me was true. “Do you think it’s possible that you’re trying so hard not to fall in love that you’re missing out on meeting the love of your life?”
She smirked, “That’s a romantic notion.”
“That doesn’t exactly answer my question.”
“Actually, I think it does,” she said, unwavering.
Was I foolish to think that there was someone out there created just for me? Did believing in having a soulmate and true love make me naïve, too? I may have only experienced being in love for mere moments, but now that I had, I couldn’t fathom living a life without it. One thing I knew for sure, I would never turn my back on it.
“You’re so young, Hailey.” Her sentence sounded incomplete, like she had more to say, but she didn’t. Her words hung in the air, the weight of them pressed down heavily on my shoulders, making it impossible to ignore.
Had I been wrong about love all along?
Don’t listen to her, said a firm voice within me.
I found comfort in these words, even though they came from my own subconscious. Aunt Nikki could believe anything she wanted about love, just as she could choose to never give her heart to another, ever again. But I didn’t want to be like her. Jonah may have broken my heart, but I still loved him. And despite the pain I felt in his absence, the happiness I had experienced with him made it all worth it.
- 12 -
in my veins
JONAH
Thirty-eight. The number of days that had passed since I had ended things with Hailey. Fifty-six. The number of times I had stopped myself from going back to her to plead for a second chance. Ninety-five. The number of reasons why I wanted to be with her. One. A single reason why none of the other numbers mattered.
She was moving on. And that’s exactly what I wanted her to do. But having to bear witness to it every step of the way was a vicious punishment that tore at me, every second of every passing day. There was no escaping this prison I had condemned myself to. But I didn’t deserve to escape anyway. What I deserved was every ounce of pain I had inflicted on myself for entering a world I had no business experiencing.
My only hope was that it wouldn’t hurt like this forever. But something told me I would carry this pain to her dying day.
Her laughter filled the otherwise quiet space. I tried to ignore the immediate aching I felt, secretly wishing that the sweet melodic sound was for me. But it was Rebecca who had provoked her laughter, entertaining her with some story about her brother. Rebecca’s words were lost on me, my eyes fixated on Hailey, taking in her every move, just as I had done countless times before.
I never tired of studying her. Everything about her captivated me. Everything. I hung on her every movement, her every word, her every breath.
Unbeknownst to her, she had changed me. In every way imaginable. I was no longer the man I used to be and I knew I never could be again. And truthfully, I didn’t want to be. I had always accepted my purpose for existing, never questioning my place in this world. Until I entered Hailey’s world. Now I questioned everything. But questioning my role in Hailey’s life didn’t
change the reality of what it would always be.
And as much as it would hurt to stand by and watch her move forward, further and further away from the place she and I had been, I had to let her go. There was no question that in time, another man would take my place. It was both my wish for her and my fear. And the last thing I wanted was for Hailey to be alone— even though the idea of watching her fall in love with another man was pure agony for me.
But I was only created to be her Guardian. Nothing more, nothing less. I was assigned to protect her from harm, guide her through darkness as a beacon of light, console her from within when she needed it most. I was made for her, but to shadow her, following her every step, not leading her along the way. Of all the things I was meant to be for her, the love of her life was not a title I was ever intended to hold.
And yet it was the only role I truly wanted to have in her life.
My focus switched back to Hailey as she moved around the counter, a wet washcloth in her hand. She moved past all the tables, making her way to the entrance first, where she flipped the sign that hung in the window, signifying that the shop was now closed.
“I’m going to finish stocking those shelves in back before we go, you got this?” Rebecca asked, waving a hand at the empty tables.
“Yup,” Hailey said over her shoulder, swiftly turning the lock on the door as she spoke.
Rebecca disappeared into the backroom and Hailey started in on the closest table. She scrubbed away the evidence of the day, returning the lacquered wooden table back to its glossy state. She pushed in the three chairs and then moved on to the next table. It was the same routine every night that she closed at Fresh Press, though Hailey never seemed to mind the monotonous process. As she made her way closer to where I was seated, I could hear her humming a song I couldn’t name, occasionally singing a line or two softly to herself. Completely unaware that she had a captive audience of one.