Reckless (The Reckless Series)

by True, Holli

  Nope. Not for one second. “You must think I’m a real idiot,” I said, stifling my exasperated laughter.

  He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. I could tell he was wrestling with his thoughts, his pensive expression gave it away.

  Unanswered questions seemed to be his way. The question marks surrounding him were continuing to pile up and they were becoming impossible to ignore. The truth couldn’t be that complicated. Why wouldn’t he just tell me?

  “Be honest with me,” I pleaded with him.

  Jonah moved toward me, I could now see the undeniable sadness in his eyes. He reached out and softly caressed my cheek, his touch awakening all of my senses. I could melt into his very hand.

  “I wish I could,” he finally said, his voice barely above a whisper.

  “You can.”

  It was my turn to move in toward him, closing the gap between us. Oh how I had craved the feeling of being near him. It felt so perfectly natural and right to share intimate space with him. I had missed it desperately.

  His hand was still lingering at the base of my jaw, his fingers cupping the back of my neck. Reaching up, I placed my hand on top of his and stroked it with my thumb. I nuzzled my cheek into his hand and turned my mouth so I could kiss his palm. His breathing accelerated. I secretly wished it was his mouth that my lips were pressed against, but I would settle for this. For now.

  With his other hand at the small of my back, he drew me in closer to him, my feet barely touching the ground. I wrapped my arm around his waist, responding to his advances, my fingers grasping at the fabric of his shirt. I simply couldn’t get close enough.

  Feeling vulnerable, I peered up at him. His thumb swept downward across my lips, they parted instinctually, hungry for his kiss. His beautiful face was only inches from mine and the desire in his eyes was smoldering, telling me he was feeling everything I was feeling, too. The flame he had so desperately tried to put out was burning once again. I didn’t want to fight it anymore. More than that, I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to surrender his mouth to mine.

  Losing patience, I moved both hands up from his waist. I tugged at his shirt gently, trying to move it further up his back. In time, with any luck, I’d have it removed entirely.

  I felt his body tense.

  Before I could react, his hands were wrapped around both of my wrists. With gentle force he pulled me away, restraining my arms at my sides. It took a moment for my lust-clouded mind to clear and realize that the look in Jonah’s eyes had changed. His face was hard, his lips pressed together in a straight line.

  The moment was gone.

  I tried to twist away, to hide the feeling of rejection that I knew would be written all over my face. Every muscle in my body screamed their resistance in painful agony, but I ignored them. I couldn’t let him see me looking so pathetic. Jonah released his hold on me and I turned my back to him, my heart sank.

  “We can’t...” he said in a husky whisper.

  “You can’t,” I snapped, folding my arms across my chest.

  He said nothing.

  “You know, you really know how to make a girl feel ultimate rejection. Fool me once... Fool me twice...” I shook my head with frustration, but I knew I hadn’t misread the moment. It was real, whether or not he wanted to acknowledge it, there was no denying.

  “I wish things could be different, Hailey. I really do. You have to believe that.”

  His refusal was painful to endure and I wanted to be angry with him. But deep down, it wasn’t anger that consumed me. It was confusion and desire. “I don’t know what to believe anymore, Jonah.” I couldn’t have been more honest with him. “You’re here, you’re not here. You hold me and then you let me go. Again and again...”

  Without saying a word, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close against his chest once again. His nose brushed the brim of my cheek as he took a deep breath. “I’m here,” he finally said, “I’m holding you and I won’t let go.”

  “For how long?” I couldn’t help but ask, already dreading the answer.

  His grasp tightened on me and he whispered gently in my ear, “As long as I can.”

  - 14 -

  alive again

  JONAH

  When love is no longer hinged on a choice, there is nothing left to do but accept it. Because it wasn’t a decision that caused me to fall in love with her, it was simply being with her. Holding her. Knowing her. After all, I had decided on more than one occasion not to love Hailey. But trying not to love someone when you could never escape them was not only impossible, it was complete and utter torture. And although I was numb to most things when not in my human form, my emotions remained fully in tact, no matter what.

  After all that had transpired, the only thing I knew for certain was that I was in love with Hailey Covington. Now more than ever before. After spending nearly eighteen hours by her side, taking care of her, there was no denying just how real and undeniable my feelings for her truly were. And fighting them was no longer an option. Not for either of us.

  “Promise me you won’t just up and disappear again,” her words echoed through my mind. Even in the darkness, I knew she was frowning as she spoke the words. Masking her emotions wasn’t something she was good at, even when she kept her tone under control. Her expression always gave her away.

  She was curled up on her side, with her back to the wall, facing me. I had to fight every urge in my body to keep from wrapping her up in my arms, knowing it wouldn’t take much for the two of us to get swept away in the moment. I couldn’t risk that happening. So, I kept the sliver of distance between us, keeping my back flat against the small bed with my arms tucked safely behind my head, unable to reach for her.

  “I’ll stay until you fall asleep,” I finally assured her, wishing I could promise her more.

  “So then I guess I won’t be sleeping tonight,” she said coyly, nuzzling in closer to me.

  “Nice try,” I said, fighting a smile.

  “Then we have to meet again tomorrow, okay?” There was an edge in the tone of her voice, revealing the panic she was trying to shield.

  “You need to take it easy, Hailey. You’re not going to be miraculously healed by morning.”

  “We can meet here,” she said quickly. “That’s fair, right?”

  I couldn’t tell her no, despite every rational bone in my body screaming at me to deny her request. Instead, I agreed to meet, in the very room I would already be spending all day in, with her. Only, she wouldn’t see me or know I was there, of course.

  When she finally drifted off to sleep, I was reluctant, but I knew it was time for me to leave her. I didn’t have far to go, yet we were worlds apart. Even while sharing space.

  The transition was no longer painful, I had grown accustomed to switching back and forth. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but it wasn’t as though there was anyone I could ask, either. Even Ben, who I had initially deemed excessive, still complained of the temporary torment that transitioning caused.

  But for me, it was the immediate isolation of my world that now caused me to suffer. I felt more disconnected from her than ever before. While I could glance over and see her peacefully sleeping in her bed, she felt so far away from me, too far. I still wanted to be there, by her side.

  I paced the space near the window, a small radius big enough for me to take five steps before having to turn around again. My mind searched desperately for a solution that simply didn’t exist. This was our only option. A constant limbo of give and take, secrets and sacrifice, the present and no future. Yet, Hailey still had no idea just how grim our destiny was.

  We were fated for disaster.

  “Why!” I roared, the anger rippling through me like a stormy current. Why did it have to be like this? Her, human. And me, this. This shadow of a man. Why?

  I stopped in my tracks, noticing the mirror hanging above Shayne’s desk. The missing reflection wasn’t new to me, yet it was t
hrowing me completely off guard. You don’t exist in her world. Accept that, I thought to myself, crushing my own hopes in a single blow.

  If only things could be different.

  I slowly shook my head at the idiotic notion of the so-called things I wished I could change. What exactly would I do if I could indeed change our fate? Resign from the role I was, in fact, created for? Become a human, just as she was? Would I?

  I couldn’t deny the selfishness that was very much alive within me. Truth be told, I wanted to remain in both worlds— Hailey’s and mine. I wanted a life with her, but I also wanted eternity with her. So if it did ever come down to choosing one or the other, I had no way of knowing which one I would go for.

  “You fool!” I growled through clenched teeth at the empty mirror. “Just stop! You can’t! You can’t have life! And you sure as hell can’t have her!” Anger and agony seeped through every inch of my body, both fighting for territory. Love was making a disaster out of me.

  I couldn’t relax with the six feet of distance between us, I had to close the gap and be near her again. The impulse to switch back and crawl into bed with her started creeping in. It was a strong pull, every part of me wanted to give in and relinquish my will to my desire. But I couldn’t.

  Frustrated, I sank to the floor beside Hailey’s bed, sitting back against the edge of her mattress. I glanced over my shoulder at her, she was still sound asleep. No doubt, lost in the serenity of a dream. What beautiful thoughts must her mind create in her slumber? Humanity had unveiled a selfish side in me, as I hoped it was me she dreamed of. There was no doubt in my mind that if I were able to dream, every one of them would be centered around her. If only we could dream together.

  I was drained, both emotionally and physically. The erratic mix of emotions racing through me were taking their toll. Despite there being no feeling in my body, every movement felt heavy and sluggish. Almost weak, which was thoroughly confusing. Weak wasn’t a word I had ever associated with myself or any other Guardian for that matter. But there was no denying it, I was lacking serious strength. Even my thoughts were becoming fogged over. Everything felt like it was coming apart within me. If sleep was something I was able to do, no doubt I would have passed out hours ago. Up until then, it wasn’t something I had ever wished for, yet all I wanted to do right now was rest.

  In bed, lying beside Hailey, of course.

  Every part of me wanted to hate what I was. But, if I wasn’t this, I would be nothing. And I never would have had the chance to simply know Hailey, let alone love her. How could I possibly resent being her Guardian when it was the only reason I had been united with her in the first place? Despite the circumstances, I was grateful to bear the burden of being her protector.

  . . .

  “Ready to talk yet?”

  Ben’s words pulled me from the daze I had been lost in. “No,” I said, keeping my eyes diverted from his. I had been avoiding conversation with him all night. My head was still a mess and I wasn’t in the mood to be interrogated. I hadn’t moved from my space on the ground, beside Hailey’s bed. According to her clock, eight hours had passed in what felt like the blink of an eye.

  “You don’t look like yourself,” he said hesitantly from across the room.

  “I’m not myself,” I said humorlessly.

  “Well, how very brooding of you, Jonah. Though that seems to be your way these days.”

  I ignored him, turning my full attention to the commotion happening in the confined dorm room. It was the customary morning madness that typically occurred, Shayne scrambling about the room in a frenzy, always running behind. Usually, Hailey was also moving about the room, getting ready for her day, but not this morning.

  Shayne hopped past me, clumsily trying to add a flat shoe to her foot. She nearly collided with Hailey as she progressed through the narrow aisle, still struggling with the shoe. Hailey watched with an amused look on her face, standing with a blanket wrapped loosely around her shoulders at the end of the bed.

  “I hope you don’t mind,” Shayne said, finally winning the battle with the defiant shoe. “I’m borrowing these,” she gestured downward at her feet.

  “I see that,” Hailey smiled, “though I don’t think they’re your size.”

  “They are today!” Shayne flashed a broad grin at her. “Besides, they match perfectly with my skirt. I didn’t think you’d mind, you don’t, right? Why aren’t you getting ready? Don’t tell me you’re missing class again!” Her words were flying out of her mouth so fast, she was onto the next question before Hailey could respond.

  “I’m not sure yet.”

  “What happened to you yesterday? Is it the flu? I hope not because I can’t get sick, Hailey! I’m going to Portland on Saturday and—”

  “It’s not the flu, Shayne.” Hailey cut her off abruptly, pressing her fingers to her temple.

  “She’s lovesick,” Ben quipped to me, his audience of one. “It’s not contagious, but it’s a bitch to shake. Right, Jonah?”

  I shot a glare in his direction, his humor completely lost on me.

  “Oh good!” Shayne said to Hailey. She sounded relieved for a brief second before diving back into her mile-long list of questions. “So, then what is it? What happened to you? Every time I came to see how you were doing, you were dead to the world. I was totally sure you had the flu or something, so I didn’t know if you were contagious or whatever.” She continued to move about the room, slipping into a denim jacket while simultaneously retrieving her phone from her desk.

  “Oh,” a strange expression slowly spread across Hailey’s face before she answered slowly, “I had a minor accident during my run yesterday morning.”

  “You went for a run? At what time? When I left for class, you were passed out. Are you sure you didn’t dream that?”

  “It was early, before you woke up. Four or five, maybe?”

  “Four or Five? In the morning?”

  Hailey nodded.

  Shayne stopped short and turned to face Hailey, her expression looked both horrified and surprised. “Are you insane? Who runs in the middle of the night?”

  “Well, technically it’s not the middle of the night.”

  “It should be! That’s crazy!” Shayne shook her head furiously, “You seriously baffle me sometimes.”

  “I know the feeling,” Hailey said under her breath.

  “All right, so, tell me what happened.”

  Hailey hesitated again, biting her bottom lip. “I’m sorry, I mean, I guess I assumed Jonah explained all of this to you yesterday.”

  I shifted uncomfortably. Oh no. I had insinuated to Hailey that I had seen Shayne, but I hadn’t. How was I going to patch that slip-up?

  “Jonah?” Shayne blinked twice at Hailey, “Why would Jonah explain anything to me? What are you even talking about?”

  “Jonah was here, Shayne. He said he...” Hailey trailed off, looking perplexed.

  “If he was here, I never saw him,” Shayne said flatly. “And given how abundantly large this room is, I can’t imagine he would go unnoticed. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see him. I have a few choice things I’d like to say to his face.”

  Hailey opened her mouth to speak, but abruptly closed it tight. She glanced back at her hamper, the blood stained sweatshirt was still there at the top of the pile. “I guess I misunderstood,” she muttered, still looking bewildered.

  “Your web’s getting a bit tangled, don’t you think?” Ben prodded as he walked past me, toward the door.

  “More than you know,” I grumbled, already trying to think of an explanation to offer Hailey. But I was coming up empty.

  “What are you going to do?”he asked.

  “I haven’t figured that out yet.”

  “You’re going to have to, before it all blows up,” Ben said with a shrug. “And from the looks of things, you don’t have much time.”

  I nodded my agreement, knowing he was right. But what was I going to do? Leave her again? Could I even do that? Last t
ime had been hard enough, the very thought of suffering through it all over again was too much for me to even consider it.

  A knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts. Shayne, with her hand already on the doorknob, threw the door wide open, revealing Matt. Standing just a few feet behind him was Ethan. This morning was getting worse by the second.

  I didn’t waste any time getting to my feet, never taking my eyes off of Ethan. Before they were able to walk through the door, I was already at Hailey’s side. Ethan smirked.

  “I’m late,” Shayne announced, glancing from Hailey to Matt and then back to Hailey. “I’ll let you two chat, I doubt you’re here to see me, anyway. Right, Matt? Oh, by the way, Loverboy is back.” She rolled her eyes and was out the door, Ben trailing close behind.

  It took Matt a moment to realize what Shayne was saying and that she was referring to me. His change in expression gave away his distaste for the news, it was as though Shayne had dropped a bomb on him. I couldn’t deny the satisfaction I felt in witnessing how much it bothered him to hear it.

  “Is she talking about Jonah?” he asked in a low, controlled voice.

  Hailey took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. She nodded her response, “Yeah, she is.”

  “Why?” he demanded.

  My jaw clenched instinctively as I folded my arms across my chest. If only looks could kill, or at the very least, harm. There was something about Matt that had changed over the years and I didn’t like it. He wasn’t the same kid he used to be, a harmless prankster with too much money to burn and no responsibility. Maybe too many years of being bailed out by mommy and daddy had given him the impression that he was untouchable? That he would never be forced to suffer any of the consequences for his careless actions? What I wouldn’t give to be the one to be able to teach him a lesson.

  “Why is he back?” Hailey asked, she sounded offended by his question.

  “I thought you said he was out of the picture.”

  Hailey shifted her body back, as though his accusing words were physically pushing her away. “I thought he was,” she said, her tone short and direct. “But I never wanted him to be. You knew that.”