Desire

by Simone Sowood

  I’m hesitant to drown my sorrows in a bottle. The last thing I want is to be anything like George. But I have to do something to get through the rest of the day.

  I decide to get in my Lamborghini and go for a drive. I pass traffic light after traffic light, searching for a glimpse of Grace until I run out of lights and I’m on the highway and pushing my foot down. No matter how fast I go, I can’t escape the self hatred that’s consuming me.

  Chapter 36

  Grace

  “I still can’t believe you came to New York to see me but I’m really glad you did,” I say to Anna and flop my arm down on the hotel bed beside me.

  I’m physically and emotionally drained. I have no tears left.

  Anna sits on the bed beside me, her back resting against the padded headboard. She’s pointing the remote at the muted TV, mindlessly staring at a cooking demonstration.

  Thank God she was in New York otherwise I don’t know where I would’ve gone when I left Leo’s.

  I’ve been lying on her hotel bed all day. We’ve barely even said anything. I didn’t need to. I cried my eyes out until I finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.

  But she stayed with me all day. She’s even made me eat and drink and massaged my tense shoulders. I can’t imagine a better best friend.

  “Don’t flatter yourself too much, I’m actually here for an important work meeting,” she says, not taking her eyes of the screen.

  “Is that why your hair is a natural color for once?”

  “You really think he got you pregnant on purpose?” she says without looking at me.

  “I do,” I say flatly. Until now we’ve avoided any deep conversation or questions. I guess she figures I’ve calmed down enough to talk.

  “But you saw him put on a condom?”

  “I think so,” I say, my voice wavering.

  Anna must sense a new wave of tears and drops the questions.

  “So, anyway, Shawna filed for personal bankruptcy. Turns out she put every penny of her own money into the company and lost everything. No wonder she was desperate enough to send you to the hotel lobby dressed the way you were.”

  “I don’t even care. I hope she suffers for what she did.”

  “Well, until today it was a good thing she sent you there.”

  “Yeah, and now we know how it was the worst thing ever. I feel so stupid.” My throat tightens, and I resolve not to cry any more.

  Hell, a week ago I thought I’d never see Leo again and I’d come to terms with that. I just have to find that same mentality again.

  Except it’s a million times harder this time because we had such a magical week, even with my mother’s unexpected death. I really thought we’d be together forever.

  “What work are you doing here?” I ask, desperate to get my mind off Leo.

  “Well, I was supposed to have a job interview but there’s probably no point.”

  “Why?”

  “Lots of reasons. I don’t think New York City is somewhere I really want to live. Plus, I have to convince Tyson to come with me, and a bunch of other stuff.”

  “He still hasn’t proposed?”

  “No,” she mutters and gets off the bed and stretches.

  I take the hint and steer us to another topic. “My sister’s been amazing. I think I’m going to move to Tennessee.”

  “How is she doing?”

  “Good. I think her kids will be much better off without my mother there. Especially her son. No one needs to hear that their entire gender is useless every day of their life.”

  “She says that about women?”

  “No, men! She always told Charity’s son that. The poor guy, he’s such a nice kid.”

  “That’s pretty messed up.”

  “I’ll say. Now you know why I moved away and never wanted to go back.”

  I can’t help thinking back fondly of my time in Tennessee with Charity and her kids. Moving back there is so logical that I barely have to consider it. And I’m actually looking forward to it. Maybe I’ll go tomorrow. Most likely by bus since it’s all I can afford.

  “Do you want a drink? Water? Coke?” Anna opens the minibar and stares at its contents.

  “I wish I could have a stiff drink,” I say.

  “Me too.”

  “Don’t miss out on my account. There’s nothing stopping you from drinking.”

  “Actually, there is.”

  “Not feeling well?”

  She slams the door empty-handed and stands wringing her hands at the end of the bed.

  “Actually,” she says timidly, “I’m pregnant.”

  “What? No way,” I say and spring off the bed. I move to her side and hug her, but she only half returns my hug.

  “It’s early still. So, no one knows.”

  “What does Tyson think?”

  “He’s confused since we always used condoms.”

  “I know that feeling,” I say, rolling my eyes.

  “I need to tell you something, something I will never tell anyone else and that you can never repeat. But I have to get it off my chest.” Anna grips my upper arms and looks at me in the most serious manner.

  “Of course.”

  “I feel bad. When I did it I obviously hadn’t thought things all the way through. All I really wanted was for Tyson to propose.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I poked holes in all the condoms so I’d get pregnant and Tyson would have to marry me.” She buries her head against my shoulder, but my mind is racing too fast to console her.

  “What do you mean you poked holes in the condoms?”

  “I mean I took a safety pin and poked holes in them. That’s the way I got pregnant.”

  “Oh my God. Are you fucking serious? The condom Leo and I used was from your bedroom.” I push her away, struggling to swallow the bile at back of my throat.

  Leo was telling the truth and I didn’t believe him. I treated him like shit. In all likelihood, I’ve ruined everything.

  “It’s my fault you’re pregnant, not Leo’s.” Anna lays her hand on my shoulder, but I ignore her and rush to my purse. Picking it up off the floor, I reach inside and find my phone.

  I try to turn it back on, but the faint red bar shows in the middle of the screen. My battery’s dead. Unbelievable. I noticed the battery was low when I was in the taxi, but when I got here I broke down in tears and forgot to plug it in.

  Without saying goodbye, I leave the hotel room. I don’t even tell Anna how she’s done a horrible thing to Tyson and that I hope he never marries her. The only thing on my mind is getting to Leo as fast as possible.

  Why didn’t I trust him? That’s going to be hard to explain. After everything he did for me after my mother died and at the zoo yesterday, I knew in my heart that I should be trusting him. But I still didn’t.

  What’s the matter with me?

  Tears well in my eyes, for totally different reason this time. Leo has never done anything other than treat me in the most amazing way possible, and I thanked him by calling him a liar and leaving.

  The elevator is the slowest elevator in the world. I tap my foot impatiently, waiting for it to descend an entire twelve floors. I sigh in relief as the doors finally open.

  I’m at the back of the building, and rush to the front as fast as I can. There’s a gift shop at the front of the hotel and the display catches my eye, stopping me in my tracks.

  I hesitate for a moment before deciding it’s something worth stopping for.

  Chapter 37

  Leo

  I got halfway to Philadelphia in my Lamborghini before turning around and heading back to New York. I need to be as close as possible in case Grace comes back. Although she hasn’t even phoned or texted and my housekeeper confirmed that she hasn’t turned up at my apartment.

  Now I’m back to mindlessly driving around the city streets, hoping beyond hope to catch a glimpse of her.

  Mindlessly, I cut across 53rd to Lexington Avenue and slam o
n my brakes.

  Grace is standing at the other side of the road, holding a plastic bag emblazoned with the I ❤ New York logo. She’s busy hailing a cab.

  I open my window and yell “Grace!” as I do an abrupt U-turn. Brakes screech as cars avoid hitting me. I’m blocking traffic, and several people honk.

  “Grace!” I shout again, pulling my car as close to her as I can get.

  Her arm drops and she runs to my window.

  “Leo, I’m so sorry.” Words continue to spill out of her, but the honking of other cars has become incessant and I can’t hear what she’s saying.

  Partly because it doesn’t matter what she is saying, all that matters is that I found her.

  “Get in,” I say and nod my head in the direction of the passenger seat.

  “Really?” she says, her eyebrows arched.

  “Of course.”

  I watch mesmerized as Grace moves around the front of the car. Her jeans are tight and I can’t take my eyes off her ass.

  She opens the door and drops down into the car. The second she’s in my territory, I pull her to me and press my lips against hers. Grace melts against me and our kiss deepens.

  “Hey asshole, move your fucking car,” a man’s voice says through the open car window.

  The honking is now solid. Grace pushes her hands against my chest and breaks our kiss.

  “We have to move,” she says.

  “Why?”

  “Because we’re causing a traffic jam.”

  “Who cares?”

  “They do.”

  “Fine,” I say and put the car in gear.

  “I was just coming to find you,” Grace says.

  “I’ve been looking for you.” I carry on to Fifth Avenue and head the car home.

  “You were driving around New York City looking for me?”

  “Yes. I didn’t know what else to do with myself.” I take my eyes off the road and stare into hers. “I need you, Gracie, I’d do anything to find you.”

  She closes her eyes and takes a deep, broken breath. I turn my attention back to the road, eager to get home as soon as the city traffic will allow.

  “I’m sorry,” she says.

  “Stop apologizing.”

  “I have to apologize. No matter how many times I say sorry, it won’t be enough.”

  “Is everything good between us?” I brace for the answer.

  “As long as it is for you.”

  “Then sorry is irrelevant. All that matters to me is that you’re here.”

  Grace falls silent. My mind wanders as I drive. Why did she change her mind? Does she actually believe me when I say I didn’t plan to get her pregnant?

  At long last, I pull into my parking garage. I haven’t even cut the engine when Grace clumsily shoves the plastic bag onto my lap.

  “I got you something,” she says.

  “The only thing I want is you.”

  She lifts her eyes to mine and I’m filled with heat. There’s only one thing I want right now, and that’s to feel her in my arms.

  “I spent my last ten dollars on it, so open it already.” Her voice is the familiar joking Grace I know, but with a touch of worry running through it.

  “In that case,” I say and open the bag.

  Inside is an item wrapped in enough tissue paper to fill a stadium. I rip off layers until finally the shape reveals what it is — a mug. I raise an eyebrow and look at Grace, but her attention is firmly fixed on her gift.

  I quickly rip the rest of the tissue paper off and hold the mug up by the handle.

  It’s bright red with big, blocky black lettering that says World’s Best Dad. I’d like to pretend that it doesn’t matter or mean anything but in reality it’s hit me right in the chest. I swallow hard in order to contain myself.

  “I’m sorry,” Grace says, again.

  “Stop apologizing, you don’t have anything to apologize for.”

  “This is important. I need to tell you what happened.”

  “Okay, fine. What is it?” I say, sighing. I don’t care about explanations right now. Or ever.

  “Remember the condom we used that first night? I took it from Anna’s bedroom when I was packing.”

  Grace pauses and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to say something or not.

  “Anna was trying, for months, to get her boyfriend to propose. She wanted to marry him, but he always avoided the topic.”

  “What’s that got to do with us?”

  “She thought if she got pregnant that he would have to marry her. So she poked holes in the condoms.”

  My eyes widen in shock. “Including the one we used?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Now we know what happened.”

  “I’m just relieved I found out. She only told me because she’s pregnant now and she confessed what she did.”

  “And now you know for sure that I didn’t plan to get you pregnant, but I can’t say that I’m sad that it happened.”

  I take both of her hands in mine. Relief overwhelms me, she’s not going to spend her life thinking I did it purpose.

  An easy smile forms on her lips. “I know. You really are the best. If they’d had World’s Best Boyfriend mug, I also would’ve bought you that, but I had to settle for dad.”

  Boyfriend. The word doesn’t sit right. I’ve never wanted to be anyone’s boyfriend, and I especially don’t want to be Grace’s.

  “I don’t want to be your boyfriend,” I say, running my thumb over her cheek.

  A look of fear transforms her beautiful face.

  “I’m sorry,” she says.

  “Stop saying that word.” I take both her hands and draw them to my mouth, brushing my lips over the backs of her fingers. “What I mean is, I want to be your husband. Let’s go, right now, and get married.”

  “Are you serious?” Her hands start to tremble, spreading up her arms until her entire body trembles in the Lamborghini seat.

  “I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.”

  “Right now?”

  “Yes. We can go to a registry office and find two strangers to be the witnesses.”

  “I’m wearing jeans. I never thought I’d get married wearing jeans. Especially not ones that smell vaguely of the zoo.”

  “That’s perfect, it makes it more real.”

  “Is it even possible to show up and get married?”

  “I’ll make it happen. Whatever I have to do, I’ll do it for you.” I start the engine and back out of the parking spot.

  Chapter 38

  Grace

  “Thanks for doing this, Mike, I really appreciate it,” Leo says, clutching my hand so hard he must think I’m going to try to run away. I hold his just as tightly.

  The buzzing in my chest hasn’t stopped since he pulled his car up beside me on the street. My heart leapt when I saw him, and then once again when I realized that he wasn’t mad at me. Even though he had every right to be.

  Despite being with Anna all day, I felt empty and alone. But the second I saw Leo I was whole again. I didn’t hesitate once I knew he was serious when he asked me to marry him.

  I can’t imagine a better ending to this day. Or, for that matter, to my life. I only wish he had let me apologize but he wasn’t interested in hearing any of it.

  “Anything for you, buddy. I really owe you after you saved Christmas with your toys last year,” the judge says, passing the paper across the desk to Leo.

  With his graying hair and old-man glasses, Mike looks like a judge. At least what I would imagine a judge to look like. I don’t have any real-life experience to go on.

  Leo found out that to get married right away we had to have the judge sign off to avoid the twenty-four-hour waiting period. He called in a favor, and now here we are in Mike’s office.

  It was a huge rush to get here but at least I managed to convince Leo to let me stop at a boutique we walked past to get something nicer to wear. As much as I love the spontaneous marriage idea, I wasn’t
so keen on getting married in the clothes I had on yesterday.

  Unfortunately, the store didn’t have any dresses, only skirts. And even then, there weren’t many to choose from. I chose a black lace miniskirt, since it was the most appropriate skirt they had to get married in, along with a pink T-shirt, also the most appropriate thing they had.

  We didn’t pass any jewelry stores, so we don’t even have any rings.

  “Sign here, Leo, and Grace, you sign here. Then Maggie, you sign there,” Mike says, pointing at the spots with an expensive silver pen. Maggie is his secretary, and kindly agreed to be our witness. Thankfully, we only need one witness.

  Still gripping my hand, Leo takes the pen and touches the nub to the paper. He draws the pen away and sighs.

  “It seems like we should say something,” he says.

  “Say whatever you like,” Mike says.

  Setting down the pen, Leo turns to me and takes my other hand.

  “Grace, you are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. It’s not an exaggeration when I say that you saved me and made all my dreams come true. Dreams I’d long ago given up on. I promise to cherish you and be by your side through sickness and health and everything else you normally commit to in wedding vows. All I can really say is that I love you, and I will always love you.” His jaw is tight and he stops to swallow. I suspect he has more to say but I open my mouth.

  “I love you, too. I never thought I would be here like this. It was a pretty crazy route to get here, but I can’t tell you how happy I am that I am here because I can’t imagine anything better than marrying you and having your child. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” Tears prick my eyes, and like Leo, I have to stop talking in order to compose myself.

  There are million things I’d like to say to him but somehow a million doesn’t seem like enough. Instead, I step up to him and rest my head against his chest.

  Leo responds immediately, letting go of my hands and embracing me. I look up at him and his lips are on mine, tasting me, claiming me, loving me. Our frantic kiss deepens, and the judge clears his throat.

  “You haven’t signed yet,” Mike says and forces a chuckle.