Desire

by Simone Sowood

  My cheeks burned with embarrassment. I should have thought about the jeans before I let him in. “They’re some added motivation to lose weight.”

  His eyes raked over me. “You don’t need to lose any weight, Abbie. You’re perfect.”

  Jay closed the distance between us and pulled me tight to him. I looked up, and our lips connected with hunger. I allowed my hands to run up his muscular back and down his strong arms. His hands pressed over me, gently skimming my shoulders and back before we broke apart for air. I looked up into his deep brown eyes and went back in for more.

  Our kiss was shorter this time, but just as passionate.

  He pulled away, “Sorry, beautiful, I would love to stay. Trust me.”

  I closed my eyes. This wasn’t happening. Couldn’t be happening.

  His fingers brushed over my eyebrows and alongside my eyes. “Believe me,” he said kissing my hair, “I have no choice.”

  I looked away to hide my disappointment. Unfortunately, I looked straight at the jeans taped to my wall and another layer of self-hatred piled on me. There was no chance of me speaking without betraying emotion. I forced myself to look back at him and nodded my head.

  He held my cheeks between his palms, “I will make this up to you, I promise. How about tomorrow?”

  My eyes widened. “Tomorrow?”

  “Yes, I’ll swing by here and pick you up. Noon again?”

  “Um, sure.”

  As the door shut behind Jay, I slapped my forehead. Sure? Three days in a row was not a ‘sure.’ Three days in a row was a run fast and far away from this man who clearly wanted a relationship when I didn’t. I wanted his body, not company.

  I plunked myself down on the sofa and grabbed the remote. He was swinging by here to pick me up? On what, his bicycle? It didn’t matter, I’d have to cancel… probably.

  Chapter 9

  “What do you mean you canceled on him? And by text!” Jenny shouted into the phone. Her raised voice drew my attention away from the muted movie I’d put on after Jay had left.

  “It’s too much, I don’t want to lead him on. Make him think he’s in a relationship when I don’t view it that way.”

  “But–”

  “There’s no but, Jenny. I keep telling you, I am not ready. I only went out with him for the sex.”

  “And how’s that working out for you?”

  “Not very well,” I huffed.

  “Then you should go out with him again.”

  “I don’t think I’m going to. He’s a really amazing guy, and I’d hate to hurt him in any way.”

  “Listen to yourself, you just called him amazing! Why wouldn’t you want to see him? Take it slow, see where things lead. It’s not going to kill you.”

  “It’s not going to kill me, but it might hurt me.”

  “You can’t go through life avoiding situations that might get you hurt. You’ll miss out on the best bits of being alive!”

  I wished she’d drop the matter. I was getting tired of hearing it. “The best bits being?”

  “Sex, for starters.”

  “Okay, you’ve got me there. But I’m not ready for more than sex.”

  “You are ready, you’re just scared is all. Go on, phone him and invite him over for dinner. That way, when the eating’s done you’re only two steps from your bedroom.”

  “Are you calling my place small?” She always liked to point out how tiny it was.

  “Well, this time it’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

  “I knew it!”

  “It doesn’t matter. Your place is bijoux, and that’s fine because it’s yours, you own it all by yourself.” Her comment made me roll my eyes, even though she couldn’t see me.

  “Well, I might not much longer. The mortgage payments are hard to meet on my own.”

  “Are you being serious?”

  “Yes,” I said, embarrassed. I’d never admitted it to anyone else before.

  “Honey, I had no idea. You should have told me, shared the stress.”

  “It was fine until I lost Matt’s rent. I thought I could cover it with my new job, but bills keep piling up.”

  “Don’t worry, we’ll find a way to make it work.”

  “Jenny, I’m an accountant. I’ve run the numbers every which way. At first I thought I could make do by living on pasta but it’s just not fun.”

  “You made the right decision kicking Matt out. We’ll figure out a way to manage your mortgage.”

  “I’ve already blown through all my savings, there is no way. I’m telling you.”

  “You’re so negative. There’s always a way. I’m going to talk to Marla. With all her headhunting connections, she’ll find you a new job.”

  She was trying to be helpful, but I’d had enough of the conversation. She could try all she wanted, I couldn’t see a way out aside from selling and getting something else. Not smaller, because that would be impossible. I’d have to go for something in another part of town, and end my dream of city-center living.

  Of course, moving further away would mean I couldn’t walk to work, so I’d also have to buy a car. Pay for that, insurance, gas and maintenance. Which was more money I didn’t have. Perhaps I could be like Jay and take the bus.

  * * *

  My weight hit the bed hard. I was physically and mentally exhausted from my day, and all the Champagne didn’t help either. As my eyes shut, my phoned beeped.

  If you enjoy his company then go enjoy it.

  Jenny was nothing if not persistent. How did she expect me to get involved with someone new? I texted her back.

  The last thing I’m going to do is take this as anything serious. Jay’s fun to hang around with but he doesn’t have a job FFS. I don’t need another deadbeat boyfriend in my life.

  * * *

  At noon on Sunday, I thought of what might have happened if I hadn’t canceled on Jay. I could’ve been wrapped in his arms right then. Embraced in his big, strong, powerful, muscular, good-smelling arms. I looked down at my crotch. My poor, neglected, wanted-to-be-wanton crotch.

  There had been more passion in that kiss than in all the kisses I’d shared with Matt over our entire six-year relationship. I wanted more of it. I wanted to take it further, physically. Would Jay accept me as a fuck buddy? Doubtful, but maybe Jenny was right, I guessed it couldn’t hurt to try.

  I poured myself a large glass of wine (it was technically after lunch even though I’d only been up for two hours), and pulled a tub of cookie dough ice cream from the freezer. As I shut the freezer door I came face to face with the jeans. Talk about being torn. In the end I compromised and took a small bowl from the cupboard and put a measly two scoops in it. Ice cream and wine, now that was my kind of lunch.

  Another glass of wine and another scoop of ice cream later, I picked up my phone but couldn’t bring myself to call Jay. I opened my messages.

  Really sorry I had to cancel today, can I make it up to you with dinner at my house on Friday? Maybe we can take up where we left off? A

  My thumb hit send before my brain had the chance to chicken out. I threw my phone onto the sofa and downed the rest of my wine with a shaking hand.

  My phone beeped moments after it hit the cushion, and my heart leapt.

  Sounds good, but I can’t do this week. How about a week from Saturday? J

  Anything as long as you do me, Jay. I wonder how he’d react if I sent him a text like that? Maybe I should text him a shot of my tits. No, that idea was so far beyond my reality it wasn’t even funny. But then, so was having a man like Jay interested in me. And I canceled on him. I was an idiot!

  Works for me, see you at six

  Chapter 10

  “Morning, Abbie,” Sam said as I slung my purse onto my chair for yet another week of working for Calvin.

  “Hey.”

  “So, how was it?”

  As I filled her in, her facial expressions reflected the roller coaster I had ridden over the weekend and ended with hope. Hope for Saturday. Though
she, like Jenny, thought I should pursue a real relationship with him. Neither of them had been betrayed the way Matt had betrayed me. Jenny always tried to insist that she’d been betrayed by an ex, and that somehow I should see that as the same. Yeah, like a little infidelity can begin to compare.

  “Abbie, can I see you in my office?” Calvin asked.

  I snarled my lip at Sam, making her laugh quietly as I stood to follow Calvin into his office. Calvin sat at his desk and looked at me with disgust. At that moment I decided Jenny was right, I did have to get out of this job. Though more for my sanity at having to deal with Calvin than for any extra money.

  And I had to get out before Calvin fired me. This was going to be a long week. After talking at me about some new report he was concocting in his pea-sized brain, I left his office. That was thirty minutes of my life I would never get back.

  My phone beeped, and I pulled it out of my purse.

  Scored two tickets to the game tonight, up for it? J

  On a work night? Oh well, it was Monday so technically I hadn’t seen him since last week. And I wasn’t going to see him this coming weekend so I wouldn’t see him at all this week. That wasn’t too intense.

  Would love to

  I hit send and I swung my chair around, kicking my legs.

  “What’s up with you?” Sam asked.

  “Jay is taking me to the game tonight.”

  “What game?”

  “Dunno. Don’t care, either.” I struggled to contain the enormous smile on my face.

  The second the clock hit five, I stood. I’d already put my sneakers on ten minutes before, and watched the seconds tick until I could leave without incurring Calvin’s wrath.

  * * *

  Once home, I ripped off my work clothes, had a short shower to rinse off my pits and bits, and stood in front of my closet. I overheard some co-workers chatting about ‘the game’ tonight, and I tuned into their conversation and gathered it was basketball. A sport I knew zero about. Not that it mattered. I’m always up for a new experience but it would be nice to know what sort of clothes I should wear.

  In the end I opted for tight-fitting jeans. Tight from my fatness, not style. And a navy long-sleeved blouse. The hem sat mid-way over my ass and the billowy front showed off some, but not too much, cleavage. I reasoned it was both appropriate for a sports event and sufficient to say take me home and fuck me.

  As arranged, I waited for Jay at my condo. He said he’d be here at six-thirty, and that we’d grab a bite to eat before the game. At six-twenty my intercom buzzed, and I eagerly buzzed him up. It buzzed again.

  “Yes?” I said into the intercom.

  “There’s no point in me coming up. Come down here.”

  “Okay,” I said. I guessed if that was what he wanted…

  The elevator opened and I could see him standing on the other side of the glass doors, in yet another expensive suit. One that sat oh so perfectly on his shoulders.

  He had his back to me, but turned to face me and smiled when I opened the door. My heart leapt. In the two days since I’d seen him, I’d almost forgotten how hot he was. Or maybe I’d convinced myself that my memory was playing tricks on me, building him up to a level of gorgeousness that he simply didn’t have. Yet here he was, standing right in front of me in all his undeniably beyond gorgeous state.

  Chapter 11

  “Hi, beautiful,” he said. He put his phone in his pocket and hugged me tight against him. I closed my eyes and inhaled. His earthy scent traveled through my lungs and down to my crotch, filling me with heat.

  “Hey.”

  “Are you okay to walk to the stadium?”

  “That’s the beauty of central living.”

  “Okay, let’s go. I thought we’d eat at the arena.”

  “In the stadium? That food is so overpriced!” I guess he never went to any major sporting event, everyone knew what stupid money the places there charge.

  “They are? That’s fine, we’ll stop somewhere on the way.”

  Our bellies full, we filed through the stadium doors with the rest of the twenty-thousand spectators. Jay held the tickets out for the woman, and we were through the doors.

  “Beers?” I asked.

  Jay looked at me with his dazzling smile, “Absolutely.”

  When we each had a beer in hand, we entered the stadium. I followed Jay. He seemed to know where he was going. The place was already buzzing and even though I knew nothing about basketball, the atmosphere was electric and I couldn’t help but be excited.

  “Here we are. That’s your seat.” Jay pointed to a seat and I furrowed my brow.

  “Are you serious?”

  He let out a burst of breath. “Of course.”

  “How the hell did you score courtside seats?”

  His eyes flared. “Buddy of mine.”

  “That’s a nice friend to have.”

  “He took pity on me. I told him I needed to woo a pretty girl and he offered them.”

  I blushed. “You didn’t need fancy tickets to impress me.”

  “I’m not trying to impress you.” I didn’t know what he meant by that comment. Sometimes he was too difficult to read. Almost like he didn’t care what anyone thought of him.

  “Oh,” I said.

  He leaned over, his lips to my ear and said, “If I were trying to impress you, I’d have taken you to an old movie house.”

  His words sent a tingle down my spine. No. I shouldn’t approach this as a relationship. This was sex. At least at some point I assumed we were going to do it.

  The lights dimmed and spotlights swooped around the stands, which set off the crowd. As the teams emerged and began warming up, the cheering became so loud I scrunched my face in an effort to plug my ears. From my seat at the edge of the court I watched mesmerized as the fast-moving giants did their stuff.

  At halftime, a man and woman I recognized from a local TV station appeared center court and began talking to the crowd. A half dozen guys ran out around the court. One stopped in front of me, startling me. He shot some T-shirts out a cannon, then moved down a few seats to shoot off some more.

  Jay turned to me, “I want to apologize in advance.”

  “What for?”

  “Because I have to be somewhere at five tomorrow morning, so I have to take off right after the game finishes.”

  “Oh.” So much for sex. This was just a date. A date, as in a relationship. I didn’t like that.

  “I’m really sorry, I have a busy week,” he said.

  “Doing what? I thought you said you don’t have a job.”

  “I don’t. I just have some stuff to do.”

  “I don’t get you, Jay. You say you don’t work, you hang around downtown, sit courtside at basketball games, and have an endless wardrobe of what appear to be very expensive suits.” I tried to sound lighthearted. However, the truth was I didn’t really care, since this wasn’t a relationship.

  Jay pursed his lips but didn’t respond to my comment. I smiled at him, leaned into him and kissed his cheek. My hand had landed on his bicep, and I let it linger. I thought, but couldn’t be sure through the suit jacket, that he flexed it a little.

  * * *

  By the time we’d reached my building, we were laughing and chatting and I didn’t want him to go.

  “Come up for a coffee?” I asked. My left eyebrow raised in hope, hope blending into begging.

  Jay pulled me close and squeezed me, “Not tonight.”

  “Tomorrow?”

  “I’m coming for dinner, remember.” He kissed the top of my head but didn’t relax his squeeze on me.

  I looked up and tried not to pout. “But that’s almost two whole weeks away.”

  He released his grip on me. “I know. There’s nothing I can do about it.”

  I stretched up to find his lips, and kissed him lightly, hoping I could entice him. His lips responded, and pushed my lips apart, allowing his tongue to explore my mouth. His hand explored down my side, sliding over the
curve of my hip until it made its way around to my ass. My entire body stood on alert, yearning for more.

  All too soon, he broke away from me, leaving me standing, wanting more at my door.

  “I’ll see you at dinner,” he said, he then turned and walked away.

  Chapter 12

  The rest of the week dragged. I spent the weekend blitzing my condo, in anticipation of Jay’s visit the following weekend. I hated dusting, but I made sure every surface was clean. Then I tackled the chair in my bedroom. It was the spot where I dump clothing, from stuff that had an hour or two of wear and didn’t warrant washing to stuff I put on to wear and then decided I looked too fat in it.

  I folded everything into two piles. I put the clothes from one away and stuck the other pile on the top shelf in my closet.

  The workweek sucked. Calvin seemed to be getting more and more aggressive to me. He even wrote up some report on me to HR. Something about my attitude and work ethic. But I did get around to updating my resume, and sent off a copy to Marla as well as a few other agencies I’d found online.

  On Friday after work, Sam, Jenny, Marla and I sat in the bar, sipping margaritas. The three of them chatted about the plans for Jenny’s thirtieth birthday. Even though Jenny was my best friend, I had trouble joining in. Calvin had shit on me all week, and I needed more than a drink to lean on. I also knew Jenny would be more than happy for me to cry on her shoulder, but her big party was only three weeks away and I didn’t want to be a downer.

  “So, what are you cooking tomorrow?” Sam asked me.

  “Huh? Oh, I’m going to do a simple lasagna.”

  “The daydreamer awakes,” Jenny laughed.

  “I knew the mention of her date with Jay would pull her out,” Sam laughed.