Desire

by Simone Sowood

  “Unbelievable. You’re taking his side?”

  “No. Not at all. I’m just pointing out his motivation.”

  “His motivation doesn’t matter, he still lied. Confirmed my belief in all men. I don’t know why I ever let you convince me to go out with him. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be hurt right now.”

  “But you had so much fun,” Jenny said.

  “Sure, until his lie was exposed all over the internet! I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m on the six o’clock news.”

  “And Facebook,” Sam added, bringing us mugs of coffee.

  “Fucking Facebook. Everyone will know. Everyone I went to high school with. To college with. People I haven’t even met yet.”

  “What will they know? That you, Abbie White, scored with a hot billionaire. That’s it. And they’ll be jealous,” Sam said.

  I sat straighter and wiped my eyes. Maybe that was true. My public humiliation was only limited to me looking like an employee sleeping with the boss. Explicitly. Naked in the photo as I straddled him topless in the woods. Thank God I’d still had my jeans on.

  The memory made me smile. “It was an amazing day.”

  “I’d guess so. Naked in the woods with a man like him,” Sam said, smiling at me.

  The memory fell away. “What do I do now?”

  “You don’t think you can go back to Force McAllister?” Jenny asked.

  “No way.”

  “You have your promotion. A secure paycheck. You have so much enthusiasm for this new position,” Sam said.

  “But everyone would know. Everyone has seen me naked and fucking the CEO. There’s no way I can face them again. Besides, I’m staying as far away from Jay as possible.”

  “It’s a huge company. There are a thousand people, you wouldn’t have to go anywhere near him,” Sam said, stroking my forearm. But her words had exploded into me. One thousand people had seen me topless. I broke down again.

  The intercom buzzed, and I felt the color drain from my face.

  “If that’s Jay, don’t let him up,” I managed to say between sobs.

  “Of course, honey.”

  “Delivery for A. White.”

  Jenny buzzed him up. I knew what it would be. Some fancy, expensive gift from Jay, trying to buy my forgiveness. Except there was nothing that could buy my forgiveness. Nothing. I’d reject the delivery and have it sent back to him, except I didn’t have the strength to drag myself from the couch.

  Sam clasped my hand while we waited. Jenny appeared in front of us, a look of surprise on her face.

  A man walked behind her, carrying a vase so large he was hugging it in his arms. The vase was full of yellow roses. Another man appeared behind him, carrying a vase just as large, this one containing lilies. A third man came in, his vase a mixed bouquet. And a fourth, and a fifth. Their vases were full of tulips and sunflowers.

  My living room was stuffed with the vases, and barely any room left over for the people in it to stand.

  The men left and returned, so the first man now reappeared with another vase. This one had pink asters. The second man came back carrying a vase of purple flowers I didn’t know the name of. The living room was full, and they had to put some in the bedroom.

  By the time the fifth man reappeared with another vase, he had to leave it in the entranceway. I couldn’t help but laugh. My condo looked like a florist’s.

  The first man reappeared again, and I wondered how many more vases were going to arrive. The vases didn’t stop coming until there was no room to squeeze even one more stem. They’d put two in the bathroom, covered every inch of my kitchen counter, and left a narrow path to squeeze through to the front door.

  Once the deliverymen left, Sam and Jenny ended up dragging over half of the vases into the hallway to create some space in my condo.

  I welcomed the overwhelming scent that swirled around the room, somehow it comforted me. Though I could never forgive Jay, I appreciated the gesture. The thing that struck me most about the flowers was that none of them had a card. No note. Nothing. I guess he knew there was nothing he could say.

  We ordered pizza for dinner. When it arrived, we had to open the oven and set the box in there, because there was no space to put the box. We turned the TV on to watch a movie, but much of the screen was blocked by sprigs of flowers.

  “I’m staying over tonight,” Jenny announced.

  I had stopped crying by then, but was drained. The life had been sucked from me. I’m glad she offered, I didn’t want to be alone. I needed to feel loved from someone. And I needed her to monitor my intercom. I was still nervous about Jay turning up at my condo.

  “I’d stay too, but,” Sam looked around the room, “there’s no room with all these flowers.”

  “Are you going to go to work tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know. I should come back here.”

  “You’ll be bombarded with questions about me. You know that, right?”

  “I don’t care. You know I can handle myself. Maybe I should go in? No, I’m definitely going in. Someone’s got to be there on your side.”

  My heart swelled at her words. I was so lucky to have such great friends. That was all I need in life.

  My phone beeped. It had to be Jay. I hadn’t heard from him all day. Maybe he was letting me clear my head. Maybe he thought I’d calm down and get over it. No Jay, I wouldn’t. I picked up my phone but was trembling so badly I couldn’t hit the message icon. Sam took it from my hand and opened it for me.

  Let’s talk. J.

  “No fucking way,” I blurted. Sam typed what I said then added several exclamation marks before hitting send. Even though he deserved much harsher words, my stomach felt queasy at the thought of him reading the text.

  “There, he should get the picture,” Sam said.

  We sat for a few minutes, all of us staring at the phone, but he didn’t text again.

  * * *

  I barely slept and often woke, only to become aware of Jenny holding me tight. Each time the weight of her arm comforted me enough to fall back asleep. At least for a short while.

  She was still asleep when I awoke around six. I didn’t want to wake her, so I tiptoed around the flowers and into the living room. My phone was still sitting on the coffee table from last night, and I picked it up, my heart pounding as I looked for a response from Jay. But there was none.

  There was no way I wanted anything to do with him. To ever see him again. Still, it might be nice if he groveled a bit. At least showed some regret for what he did.

  I sat and absentmindedly surfed the internet on my phone, being careful to avoid any websites that might have my story. Like Buzzfeed or Perez Hilton. Man, I loved those sites, but this was exactly the kind of story they loved. Instead I watched a load of silly animal videos on YouTube.

  Jenny appeared about an hour later.

  “Hey, how are you?”

  “As you’d expect.”

  She sat on the sofa, squished up against me, and together we watched a cat have a bath and a dog play with a bird.

  “You know, you can stay here as long as you need, hiding and recovering. No one will expect anything more of you.”

  “Good, I intend to. Except I have to pay my bills. How am I going to manage?”

  “You don’t need to worry about that right now. Force McAllister isn’t going to stop paying you. You know that, right?”

  “I don’t want his money.”

  “Jeez, Abbie, they owe you. Take it all and don’t feel guilty. Not for one second.”

  “I can’t.”

  “I’m not saying do it forever, just don’t stress about money at the moment. Marla will help you find another job. Take your time and find the right one. Until then, your mortgage is covered.”

  The tears started falling again. I looked at her and said, “But no one will hire me. They’ll all know this story. My reputation is ruined.”

  Chapter 39

  By Thursday, I’d convinced Jenny she could leave me alon
e. That I would be okay. That Jay wasn’t going to turn up at my door.

  Fortunately, I’d already done up my resume from before Calvin got fired. I debated whether to include my promotion, but realized two weeks in a job I’d slept my way into didn’t belong anywhere near it. I sent it off to Marla and waited.

  Maybe I should leave Chicago. Start over some place new. I could go somewhere warm, like Miami or LA. But Jenny was right. There was no hurry, I could take my time. I had to take my time, to make sure I made the right decision instead of rushing into something stupid and making things even worse.

  Except there was nothing to rush. Marla didn’t get any nibbles, let alone any bites. Each day the weight in the pit of my stomach grew and grew. I cast my net wider, sending out my resume to every online job site I could find.

  After ten days, my intercom buzzed. I was home alone and I panicked it was Jay. Instead it was a woman with a team of men carrying flowers. I let them in, and they replaced all the old flowers with fresh ones. She directed them and went around to each vase until every display looked perfect. Who knew what she thought of all those perfect flower arrangements crammed into such a tiny condo. Maybe I shouldn’t have let them in.

  Ten days after that, they came back again and repeated the same thing. I let them in willingly this time, at this point the flowers were the only thing keeping me sane.

  Three weeks after the email, there still had been no hint of a job. Not even a tiny sniff.

  And no word from Jay either. Nothing. Other than the flowers there had been no expensive gifts. No texts. No silver envelopes. Good, that was what I wanted. He’d gotten the picture. I did not want him in my life.

  After four weeks I realized I hadn’t been outside in a month. Jenny and Sam had come nearly every day and brought me everything I’d needed. Kept me company. Comforted me in my freakouts and meltdowns.

  But now I needed to get outside. To breathe fresh air. To walk. If my legs still remembered how after all my sitting around.

  * * *

  Autumn was closing in fast, and I opened my coat closet to pull out a fleece. As soon as I’d opened the door, my eyes fell on the Burberry trench coat. I’d forgotten all about it. And the rest of the gifts. Blocked them from my mind. Even the diamond jewelry. I had to send them all back to him. Perhaps Sam could do it. Bundle them in her arms and drop them on his desk. Cheaper than a courier service, anyway.

  My fingers stroked the smooth fabric, and I considered wearing it out before moving my hand to my fleece.

  I grabbed my keys and left to go nowhere in particular. I wandered around, walking for twenty minutes. I went into a store to stock up on chocolate bars. Because I lived so centrally, I was in the midst of the hustle of the city.

  The store was busy with the lunchtime office rush and I was sure people were looking at me. Sniggering and pointing. Laughing at what everyone knew about me. But beyond them, I noticed a man in a Cubs ball cap who I swear I saw near my condo when I first exited the building.

  I grabbed my purchases and sped walked home. By the time I reached my condo, my heart was pounding and my breath ragged.

  * * *

  I was greeted by a roomful, no, a condo full, of massive vases. I guess they’d become invisible in my month holed up with them, but now they were plain to see. They were big, empty, pointless. Like me.

  My life was over.

  I was still sitting on my sofa days later, stuffing my face with Snickers bars, when my phone rang.

  “Hi Marla,” I said.

  “Hi sweetie. How are you doing?”

  “As you’d expect.”

  “Well, I have great news. I’ve lined up a job interview for you!”

  I swallowed my chocolate and sat up. “Really?”

  “Of course, really. And it’s a great job at a great company, CQ Francis. It’s the same level as your most recent one. And a similar role. You’d be in charge of all investigative reporting.”

  This was it. My chance to move on with my life.

  “Thank you so, so much, Marla.”

  “Anything you need, Abbie. I’ll help you any way I can.”

  I hung up the phone and relaxed back into the sofa. Maybe life would be okay.

  * * *

  I walked out of CQ Francis and punched the air like a sports star. I’d been to three interviews over the span of two weeks, but now I had a signed employment contract tucked in my bag.

  Immense relief poured over me. I didn’t realize just how severe it was until it had lifted.

  My new boss, Laurie, seemed nice and friendly and didn’t once ask why I had left Force McAllister. Presumably she knew, which was probably better because that awkward revelation was out of the way from the start.

  I texted Marla, Jenny and Sam:

  I got the job!!!!! I even have two weeks to relax and get my condo back together before I start!

  They all texted straight back. Every day I remembered how lucky I am to have them.

  Drinks on me this weekend. We’re going large Friday.

  It was the least I could do after everything they’d done for me. Besides, I could always hock the diamond earrings Jay gave me. I’d never given the gifts to Sam to throw on Jay’s desk. Somehow it had always slipped my mind.

  Chapter 40

  The three arrived at my condo straight from work to prepare for our big night out. My rebirth. I’d been riding high ever since I signed the employment contract, and tonight would be the icing on the new life cake. I met them at the door with wine glasses and a couple of bottles of Sauvignon Blanc.

  “You totally have to wear this one,” Sam said, pulling the black halter dress from my closet. It was the dress I had worn on my first dinner date with Jay.

  I shrugged. “Why not? It’ll be putting the whole Jay phase of my life behind me for good. Show I’ve moved on.”

  “Plus, you look super hot in it,” Jenny said.

  “Yeah, shows off those perfect tits of yours,” Sam said, and we all laughed.

  “You three are nuts,” Marla said, rolling her eyes.

  Once the four of us were in our dresses, we turned our attention to our hair and make-up. We were falling all over each other in my tiny condo, still crammed with vases full of flowers.

  Sam had opened the door of my entrance closet, trying to carve out some real estate to do her hair. She pushed aside the various coats, revealing the stack of gifts from Jay piled on the floor.

  “You are totally wearing the Louboutins tonight,” she said, picking up the box and opening it, revealing the glorious shoes inside.

  “Let me see,” Marla said, elbowing Jenny and I out of the way.

  “Those would look perfect with your dress,” Jenny said, peering over Marla’s shoulder.

  “What else is in this pile?” Sam said, turning her attention back to the closet.

  “Um, I have to give all that back to Jay,” I said.

  “This smells so beautiful, fresh yet sexy,” Sam asked, squirting the perfume on her.

  “That’s a real diamond, you know,” I said, pointing to the jewel on the bottle.

  “Get out. That’s insane,” Jenny said.

  “I know, right?” I said.

  “Well, we’ve used it now. You can’t send it back,” Sam said, grinning at me. She squirted the air, until all four of us were engulfed in an overpriced cloud of perfume.

  “I can’t,” I said, protesting.

  “Screw him. He’s got so much money, this is like me giving you a pot of Ben and Jerry’s,” Marla said.

  “More like a spoonful. Or even a lick of the back of the spoon,” Sam said. She continued to rifle through the gifts.

  “I can’t wear the shoes out. I’m not ready to dance in five-inch heels,” I said.

  “How’d he know your shoe size anyway?” Marla asked.

  “Dunno. He must have looked at my shoes when we were at the hotel. Or here.”

  “Holy fuck,” Sam said, opening the jewelry box. “This is insane.”
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  “I know,” I said, blushing.

  “Wow, you’re sure you don’t want to get back together with him?” Marla asked. Jenny smacked her back.

  “No way in hell. Not after the way he lied.”

  “That’s fine. Onwards and upwards, right?” Jenny said, rubbing my back.

  “You need to wear this necklace out tonight. That dress is made for it,” Sam said, dangling the necklace from her fingertips.

  My eyes widened at the thought. It would be perfect for this halter top, the diamond would sit just above my cleavage. Pointing the way. For days I’d been longing to be wrapped in the arms of a man. Not Jay, but almost anyone else.

  “Good idea,” I said, taking the necklace from Sam’s fingers.

  “Really?” She said in disbelief.

  I looked her straight in the eyes, smiled and said, “Absolutely.” We all burst into a fit of giggles.

  Jenny helped fasten it around my neck, and I rushed into the bathroom to examine myself in the mirror. Jay would approve. More than approve.

  “Let me try walking in the shoes.”

  “You go, girl,” Sam said, bringing them to me.

  Hair and nails done, we left an hour later. I teetered down the hallway and out onto the street, latched onto Jenny and Sam for support, wrapped in the Burberry trench coat.

  We hailed a cab to take us to Luscious, the hot, exclusive night club of the moment. One of Jenny’s many exes managed it and put us on the guest list as a favor to her. Though I suspect it meant she would probably hook up with him by the end of the night.

  The four of us crammed into the back seat, I was the last to get in. As I ducked my head, I noticed a man in a Cubs hat looking straight at me. By the time I had my seatbelt on and a chance to look back, the man was gone.

  * * *

  We pulled up in front of Luscious and were met with a huge lineup of people shuffling their feet to keep warm as they waited for a chance to get in.