by Mary Smith
“And bring up who?” Yes, I am the head coach, but there’s a reason Mike and Kevin have been by my side for so long. I need their input.
“Nathan Paxton.”
I rest my elbow on the desk and rub my forehead. “The Swedish kid.”
“You know what I’m going to say.”
I nod. “I know his record and I know how great he’s been doing.” He’s leading in everything in the minor leagues. “He’s twenty-six and never played in the PHL.” Nathan’s a good person, but I don’t know if he can handle the PHL level of play. Then again, Teo is obviously not playing to the same level either.
“What do you want to do?”
“Let’s see how practice goes and then I’ll talk to him.”
Kevin nods and we both head out to lace up and get these boys back in line. It’s my job to do it.
AS I STEP onto the ice, I take a deep breath. I’m home. This is where I want to be until I take my last breath. When I look up, the entire team is staring at me. This is the tightest team I’ve ever had the pleasure of being on or coaching, but right now I don’t want their pitiful looks. I want a championship.
“I don’t know what the fuck you guys are staring at me for. I’m not the one who should be warming up right now!” I yell at them.
A couple of the guys smirk, but they all get to skating and begin their drills. I watch each of them closely making sure none of them are slacking, mainly Keaton and Alden. Those two are such characters.
I blow the whistle and the team comes back in. I go over the three plays I created last night. It doesn’t take long before they have it down and we move on to other plays. We’re playing Montana tomorrow afternoon, and I want to make sure the guys have plenty of rest before then. I try my best to leave enough time for them. I know the majority of them have wives and families and they want to spend time with them. We’ll be hitting the road again soon, and it’ll be a while for them to see each other.
After a few more hours of running drills, a shootout where Shade loses against Teo, I decide to do something different.
“Everyone line up again. Teo get back in the net,” I order. “Do the shootout again.”
“But Coach, we already did.” Teo protests.
“Everyone whose puck goes through will get a steak dinner on me.” I ignore Teo’s whining. It’s going to be an expensive dinner for me, but I want to prove a point. “And every puck Teo stops, you need to buy him dinner.” The guys cheer and I skate over to Teo. “I suggest you get your head out of your ass and stop these pucks like I know you can do.”
I stand near the boards with Mike and Kevin. They know what I’m doing. If Teo can’t stop at least the majority of these shots, I’ve made the decision to send him to the farm and bring up Nathan. But let’s see how the kid does.
Shot after shot Teo tries his best, but in the end I’m buying the entire team dinner. I turn my back on the team and face Kevin softly saying, “Have Teo come to my office and call for Nathan to get his ass here.” I leave the ice with the guys cheering still.
I hate sending someone down. It’s never easy because you want the team dynamics to remain the same, but Teo isn’t getting it.
“You wanted to see me, Coach.” Teo knocks lightly on the doorframe.
“Please sit.” I point to the chair. Even though he’s still in full gear the chair doesn’t have arms so he takes a seat. “You know what I’m about to say, Teo.”
“I do.” He hangs his head.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
Teo shrugs. “Stress, I guess.”
“I’m sending you to Concord for a week. They have three games and I’ll make sure you start all of them, but if you lose any of those three games, change your address.” I keep my eyes attached to his. I want him to know I’m not joking. Teo has so much talent, but it’s gone.
“Who’s taking my place?” The crack in his voice says it all. The sadness and hurt from being sent down.
“Paxton.”
Teo rolls his eyes. “When do I leave?”
“Now.”
He nods and stands. “I’ll do better, Coach. I promise.”
“I hope you do.” I watch the kid waddle out of my office and to the locker room.
I GO TO my car and rest my head back on the seat. I had made it through practice, sending Teo to the farm and making sure all my emails had been answered. It’s been a good day but tiring. Normally, I’d dread going home because I wouldn’t know what mood Sharon would be in. The girls would text me and warn me, but most of the time, they would remain at school or at Hamilton’s house to stay safe and out of her wrath.
When I pull into the garage, I only see the girls’ car. I had wanted to get them each their own car, but they do everything together and it’s really a waste of money.
As always, I come in quietly and make sure not to disturb... oh. Reality seems to remind me she isn’t home and never will be again. I walk through the house and don’t see either girl. I know better than to yell, so I go up to Nova’s room and softly knock.
“Come in,” Nova says.
When I step through I’m taken back to when my sister would be sitting at her desk doing homework. Nova looks so much like her. Her brown hair is darker but just as curly. Nova has our golden brown eyes, and they’re bright when she turns to me.
“Hi, Uncle Tad.”
“Hey.” I sit on the side of the bed. “How was school?” I know they’re both in college, which is hard for me to still comprehend, but I like to hear about their day.
“Great!” She beams. “I got an A on my psych exam.”
“I knew you could do it.” Her smile is contagious, and I feel the corners of my mouth turn up. “Where’s Janan?”
“She’s at her club. I was going to wait, but she said a friend would bring her home.”
“Club?” Is Janan at a bar? She’s just nineteen.
“She joined the National Organization for Women. Remember?”
“Oh, right.” That’s my Janan. It started just before she turned seventeen and she read The Feminine Mystique and Bad Feminist. Her point of views changed completely, and I loved how she went from being shy and meek to a strong independent woman. It all happened right before my eyes.
And Sharon hated every moment…
“What the fuck are you reading?” Sharon rips the book from Janan’s hands. “You’re not going to read this garbage in my house.”
Janan stands up from the couch. “It’s Dad’s house because he pays the bills. You’re a freeloader.”
Smack!
“Sharon.” I rush over to stand in front of Janan protecting her with my body as she grips her cheek. “Leave her alone. Let’s go have a drink.” Drinking usually makes it worse, but she’s close to passing out. I can tell by the glazed over glare in her eyes.
“You fucking shit. You think I’m a freeloader too like this arrogant bitch of a daughter you have.” I can practically see the cloud of alcohol around her, and it chokes me.
“No, I don’t think that at all.”
“You don’t think at all because you’re a fucking worthless piece of shit. Aren’t you?” She pokes my chest. “Go ahead and say it to me. Say I’m a worthless piece of shit.”
I don’t say it. I look to the ground.
“You don’t have the balls to say it. Just proves to me I’m right!” She screams, “I’m right!”
“Leave Daddy alone!” Janan yells at her and pushes her.
I knew it would have huge repercussions. Sharon’s face turns more evil than it normally is. “Janan.” My daughter’s name off her lips is menacing and sends a shiver through me.
Sharon grabs a vase off the end table and goes to hit Janan, but I make sure to block the hit. It smashes right against my temple and knew I would need help. I can see stars in my line of vision before it all goes black.
“Uncle Tad.” Nova is shaking my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“Huh?”
“You zoned out. I
was asking how practice went.”
“Fine, but I had to send Teo down to the minors today.”
Nova scoffs. She’s a huge hockey fan and has been telling me since last season to send Teo down. “Who are you bringing up?”
“Nathan Paxton.” Her face says it all. “You don’t think it’s a good idea?”
“He’s never played in the PHL since he was drafted,” she tells me what I already know.
“Maybe he’ll surprise us.”
Nova shrugs. Nova is the pessimist in our family. Although I can understand why. She’s not had the greatest life, and it’s all I wanted to give her and Janan.
I’m a failure.
“I’ll make dinner in a bit.”
“Take your time.” I kiss the top of her head and go to my office.
Chapter Two
“NATHAN.” I WALK into the locker room to greet him. The boy screams he’s from Sweden. He has big blue eyes and blond hair. He looks like a beast. He’s six foot six and two hundred twenty pounds. He’s solid like a rock, like Hamilton, but let’s see how he does in the net.
“Coach.” He shakes my hand. “Thank you for calling me up.”
“Don’t thank me yet,” I say and turn to the rest of the team. “Are we going to be a bunch of pussies today?”
“No,” the team answers.
“I hope not. We’re two points from the top fifteen, but is that where we want to be at?”
“No!” They’re louder than before.
“Then get your fucking asses out there and fucking play like you want to win a championship this year.” I clap my hands and all the guys rush to the door.
The staff and I follow them out through the tunnel. I stand on our platform in the middle of the bench as the team gets ready for the game. The crowd is loud and electrifying. Let’s hope it pumps the boys up, or they’re going to feel my foot up their asses.
The first period is rough for everyone. Kevin and Mike keep telling me plays that’ll work better, but I’m sticking to the plan I have in my head. The only high point: Nathan. He’s not let one puck past yet.
The team looks exhausted already when we get to the locker room for the first intermission, and I’m fuming mad.
“I thought I asked if you guys were pussies? Pretty sure you all said no. However, that’s not what I’m seeing out on the ice.” My throat is sore, but I continue my tirade. I explain everything they’re doing wrong and what they need to do to be better. I swear it’s like talking to a wall with them sometimes.
The second period is better when Remington gets us a goal. Then Bas adds to it shortly after. With about two minutes left, Shade Wooten, one of the defensive men, gets into a fight. This isn’t abnormal for hockey. I’ve been in my fair share on the ice as well. Even a few from the bench with other coaches and staff but something about it sets me off, and not in a good way.
“Sharon, maybe you should stop drinking? What if you went to rehab? I can make sure you get in the best one there is.” I touch my wife’s hand but she slams my face.
“You want to change me, don’t you?” She hisses at me. “Do you want me to look like a model? Is that it?”
“No—”
Slap!
“Yes it is. You think I’m an old hag. Well, let me tell you something you dickless fuck. I can get laid anytime I want. The men at the gym are looking at me because I’m gorgeous. You’re just pissed off because you’re an old fart.”
I try to reason with her because I know she’s drunk, but I see her balled up fist rear back. I’m not fast enough before it connects with my nose. The pain is intense and the crack is loud.
She broke my nose.
“Taden! Taden!” Kevin is screaming in my ear.
I’m on the floor behind the bench and looking up at the ceiling. I can’t breathe. Am I having a heart attack because there’s a sensation of an elephant on my chest? I can feel the wetness on my cheeks. I’m crying?
“Taden, we’re going to get you off the bench.” Mike helps me up and they rush me away.
“Kevin... stay on... bench... coach... game.” I force each word because there’s no air in the arena. Where has all the air gone?
Mike and the doctors get me to the locker room and lay me down. I still can’t find any air, and I don’t want to die this way. I can’t leave my girls.
“Taden, calm down,” the doctor tells me. “Deep breaths in through your nose and out your mouth.”
The EMTs come in and begin to hook me up to their monitors and everyone is still telling me to breathe. With all of them talking it’s just pissing me off more.
“Shut up!” I finally yell and the room quiets down.
“Mr. Long, we’re trying to help,” the female EMT says.
“Heart attack.” I point to my chest and the girl gives me a sad smile.
“Not likely, but we’ll take you to the hospital to be sure.”
How can she say not likely? I know what’s happening to me, but I don’t have the air or strength to put up a fight.
They get me loaded into the ambulance and off to the hospital. On the way there, the female EMT is poking and jabbing me and the heart monitor next to me keeps beeping and the lines are all over the place.
Is this how I’m going to go out? A heart attack. I’d always figure Sharon…
“Fuck.” I clench my chest. The pain is severe and now I’m sweating.
It’s an eternity before I’m unloaded and wheeled into the emergency room. Again, there are doctors, nurses and people touching me and asking a million questions. I’m trying to answer them and breathe, which is becoming harder and harder. Why isn’t someone putting oxygen on me? Why aren’t they doing anything?
“Mr. Long, your daughter is outside. She wants to come in,” one of the nurses says.
How did she get here so fast? I nod, and she leaves the room. A moment later, Janan is standing by my side taking my hand in hers.
“Daddy, listen to me you need to take a deep breath.”
I shake my head.
“You can do it. You’re the strongest man I know. Just copy me.” Janan takes a deep breath in and I try to do the same. “Good. Let’s try again.”
I follow her movements, and her voice is calming me down.
“You can do this.” She keeps saying it with every exhale until I’m able to breathe normal again. “See, I knew you could do it.” She kisses my cheek. “The doctors are going to talk to you, and I’ll be in the hallway with Nova. She’s upset, and I have to calm her down now.”
Janan releases my hand and heads out of the room. Realization hits me as they begin to remove the monitors. “I didn’t have a heart attack, did I?”
The doctor comes to my left side. “No, it looks like an anxiety attack.”
“Why? I’ve never had one before.”
I try to listen to the doctor telling me how they can spring up with no warning. Essentially, I quit listening because there’s no point. I’m not crazy or weak. This is just a one-time incident, and it won’t happen again. He said he’ll keep me until all the tests are run then I’ll be free to go.
They allow my girls to come in, and my poor Nova has been crying quite hard. She’s been through so much, and I’m causing her more stress for no reason.
“Nova.” I hold out my arms and she easily comes into them. “I’m fine. It’s nothing and will never happen again.”
“You can’t promise her something like that, Daddy.” Janan sits on the side of the bed. “More than likely this will happen again.”
“Janan, not right now.” I warn her softly. I want to calm down Nova and then get the hell out of here.
My daughter shrugs. “I’m just telling you.”
“Thank you for the insight.”
Janan rolls her eyes and I hate when she does that to me. In fact, she does it all the time. I thought it would have been something she would have grown out of, but it seems to be worse than ever.
“Nova, are you going to be okay?” I releas
e my hold of my niece.
“Yes.” Her voice is rough. “I just worry.”
I smile. She worries more than anyone I know and has since the day she’s been born. “There’s no need to be concerned about me. I’m a tough old man.” I kiss the top of her head.
The girls stay and Janan tells me of her day at school and the NOW meeting. I’m proud she’s making new friends and being social. Now, if Nova would be, I’d be happier. With her, it’ll take time.
Soon the nurses are rolling me down the hall for testing. Could I have really had an anxiety attack? No. It’s not possible. When I get back to my room, Hamilton is sitting there talking to the girls. He treats them like little sisters, and even though I’m still embarrassed he knows the truth about my family, he’s helped more than anyone.
“What are they saying?” he asks as I’m rolled into place.
“Not sure yet. Did we win?”
“Yes, but we’re curious about you.”
“I’m fine.” I should have those two words tattooed on my forehead.
Hamilton has the look he knows I’m lying but my chest is still hurting and I won’t say anything to them.
“Take the girls home,” I order him. “I’ll be released soon.”
“And how are you getting home?” Janan questions. “How will you get your car?”
“I’ll figure it out.”
Janan rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Come on, Nova.”
“But I want to—”
“He doesn’t want us here.” Janan hisses and then glares at me. “Bye, Hammy.” She nods over to Hamilton and drags Nova out of the room.
There’s tension filled silence between Hamilton and me. I won’t even look at him, but I can feel his eyes on me.
“You know,” he starts. “I’ve never said anything to you about your marriage with Sharon or your relationship with the girls, but you can’t push them away. They’re all you have left.”
I keep my eyes fixated on the wall, like a child not looking at his parent who’s scolding him. I’m not pushing my girls away. I want them to blossom and grow. They need to get on with their lives. Mine is already over.