by Mary Smith
“You. Are. Not. Leaving.” Sharon’s at the end blocking the stairway.
“Yes. We. Are.” The girls cling to my side.
Sharon and I have a stare down. I don’t blink. I’m not going to let her hurt us anymore. I am man enough to leave her and save my girls.
“Taden.” She falls to her feet and begins to cry.
She’s... crying? What? When was the last time I’d seen her cry?
“I’m sorry. Please, don’t leave me. I can’t live without you and the girls. I can’t be without my family.”
Am I dreaming? Did she say those words out loud?
“It’s the alcohol. It makes me insane, and I can’t control myself.” She’s on her knees, crawling over to me. “I’ll do anything. Anything.”
“What happened?”
“She went to rehab.”
“And…” Caryn drags the word out wanting more of an explanation.
“She was gone for almost four weeks and when she came back she was the Sharon I remembered in the beginning of our relationship.”
“How long did it last?”
“About a month.” I don’t have the heart to say it was the greatest month of my life since she began drinking all those years ago. It was a breath of fresh air for all of us.
“What caused her to drink again?”
“I honestly don’t know. I was out of town with the team. When I came home a few days later the girls had bruises, and I could smell the alcohol.”
I had been disappointed…
“Sharon, what’s going on?” I sent the girls up to their rooms. I’m hoping she and I can figure this out. It has to be a minor issue we can deal with together.
“Just fucking go away.” The vodka bottle is tight in her hands. She’s clenching it as if it’s her oxygen.
“Please we can work this out.”
“We? We? You’re a fucking worthless piece of shit. How do you think you can help me? There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Yes, there is. You’re an alcoholic and need help.”
Her punch came hard and fast to my nose. I felt the crack and my eyes immediately watered. The bloody metallic taste fills my senses. I know it’s broken.
“How dare you think you can talk to me like that?”
Sharon launches herself onto me, knocking me over onto the floor. Her fists connect with my face each time. Her knees are buried in my shoulders and I’m pinned.
I just have to take it because I can’t defend myself. I’d never hit a female.
“I never tried to leave again,” I say to Caryn.
“Why did you never fight back?”
“She’s my wife. She’s a female,” I say the sentences firm and short. It should be explanation enough.
“But she abused you and your girls.”
“I love her. She was good and kind for many years. The perfect housewife.” I have memories of dinners together, laughter, lovemaking and blissful happiness.
“When did she start drinking?” Caryn is taking notes as she asks the question.
“Um…” I had to really think back because it seemed like forever. “The girls hadn’t started school yet.”
“How much did she drink?”
I shrug. “I’m not sure.”
Caryn pauses and stares at me for several seconds before asking, “Are you going to talk me about why you feel you killed your wife?”
I take a deep breath and for a split second I think I will say the words, but I’m a coward and shake my head. “No.”
“Maybe next time.”
WHEN I PARKED the car in the garage, I pushed the button for the garage door to close and I just sat in the quietness. Usually the silence made me nervous because it always seemed to be the calm before the storm. Sharon was worse after long bouts of silence.
I thought about turning the car on and letting the fumes take over me. Or maybe the pain pills I have in the bathroom would be enough to do it. I could go to sleep and there wouldn’t be any more pain, no more heartache, and no more feeling lost. Especially no more lies.
So many lies…
“Mr. Long, this is the second time this week you came in here for stitches.” The emergency room doctor gives me a shot to numb up the area above my eye.
“I’m clumsy,” I answer.
“This time it seems you were clumsy with a knife.” He’s calling me out.
Sharon normally didn’t use a knife, but it happened to be the nearest object to her. I was able to get it away from her before she did any true damage to me or the girls.
“Mr. Long, there are places who can help you.” The young doctor is trying to be helpful and do his job, but I say nothing.
I can’t leave my wife.
The sound of car doors slamming and the girls giggling jolts me awake. Did I fall asleep? I look at my watch and I had. The sun is setting and the garage is darker. I slowly remove myself from the car and make my way into the house.
“So, what are you going to do?” Nova sounds worried.
“I don’t know. I want him to look at me more than some nineteen year old. I know he has feelings for me. I see him always looking at me, he tries to touch me, and we... well.”
“What? What? Tell me.” Nova rushes out the words.
“We almost kissed. Our lips were this close.” Janan sighs deeply. “But he stopped and reminded me again, I’m nineteen.”
“Is he still coming over for dinner?”
I can’t hear Janan’s answer. Janan is interested in boys. This isn’t something new because she’s wanted to date before.
Sharon would never let her…
“There’s no way in fucking hell.” Sharon slams her hand on the kitchen table. “I’m not going to let my daughter go out on a date. You’ll get the reputation as a slut. Is that what you want to be? A fucking slut.”
“Sharon, she’s fifteen. Let her go out.” I keep my voice calm and even. I don’t want to anger her any more.
“If you want your daughter to go out and fuck every damn boy in this town, then let her go.” She turns to Janan and gets right in her face. “Try to use a condom because I’m too fucking young to be a grandma. And if you do then don’t even think about coming back here if you get knocked up, you cunt. You are on your own, you stupid bitch.” She pops her on the back of the head before walking out of the room.
“Uncle Tad, how was your day?” Nova’s smiling face greets me as I walk into the kitchen.
“It’s fine.” I can hear Caryn’s teeth grinding from my answer. Okay, let’s try something different. “Actually, it sucked a little bit.”
Janan and Nova both freeze in their positions.
“What do you mean, Daddy?”
“Caryn’s trying to make me talk.”
“I believe that’s her job.” Janan smirks.
“I know.” I sigh and shake my head. “Let’s not talk about me. Tell me about your day.” I look at Janan and she slightly blushes.
“Not much happened. Oh, Nova and I got dishes though. Check out these babies.” Janan claps and bounces over to a box on the counter. She opens it and holds up a plate. It’s bright white with a massive flower on it and a swirl design around it. They’re not clear.
“What do you think?” Nova asks proudly.
I don’t say anything because I’m not sure how to express how much Sharon wouldn’t like them.
“Daddy, aren’t they fantastic? Look at the mugs.” She holds up the matching mugs. “Come on, wipe your face clean of the sour puss look. These are outstanding.”
Again, I remain still. “Jan—”
“No.” She cuts me off. “If you say anything else except Janan and Nova, you both did a great job picking out our new dishes, I’m going to lose my shit right here and right now.” She places her hands on her hips.
I know she means it and I don’t know what side of my brain to listen to. One side is screaming for me to let her use the damn dishes. There’s nothing wrong with them. Then my other side is telling
me how much Sharon wouldn’t like it. Hell, she wouldn’t even allow it.
She’s dead. She’ll never know.
I feel dirty and wrong as I nod to Janan. “You girls did a good job picking out the dishes.”
“See!” Janan hugs me. “Was that so hard?”
Yes.
“Uncle Tad, I’m going to make chicken parmesan.” Nova beams.
“Sounds great.”
Her smile is contagious…
“Uncle Tad, look.” My eight year old niece holds up the small cake she made. I watch her with pride. “I can’t wait for us to eat it tonight.”
“Me either. It looks amazing.” I kiss the top of her head.
“Do you think Aunt Sharon will like it?” She has such hope in her eyes.
“I’m sure she will.” Although, I’m sure she won’t if we don’t clean this kitchen. “How about you set it on the other side of the counter and we get all this put away?”
Nova looks around and realizes the mess. “I’m sorry.” She rushes to move the cake away and together we get everything cleaned and put away before Sharon comes home.
Just as we’re putting up the last dish, my wife comes in with Janan. “Go tell your father, if you can call him that, what you did?”
“What happened?” I gently pull her to me. “Are you okay?”
“Oh, oh, of course you would think your little, poor baby didn’t do anything wrong.” Sharon slams into my shoulder as she walks past me.
Before Janan can tell me whatever Sharon is bitching about, she yells, “What the hell is this?” She points to Nova’s cake.
“I thought I would make dessert tonight.” Nova tries to smile, but fear is overtaking her.
“Dessert? You think you ungrateful brats deserve dessert?” She picks the cake up high over her head and smashes it onto the floor. She grabs Nova’s face and begins to shove the remnants of cake on her hands into her mouth. “Eat it, you stupid bitch.” Sharon’s screaming and I try to pull her from my niece’s face.
“Uncle Tad, could you get the door?” Nova’s question breaks me from my reverie and I hear the doorbell chimes.
“Sure.” I shake my head clear and go to the front door. I’m not sure who to expect, but Hamilton Bear hadn’t been on the top of my list. “What are you doing, Hamilton? Everything okay?”
He nods. “The girls invited me for dinner.”
I’m not surprised. I know they both think of him as a big brother. He’s there for them a lot more than I have been. “What happened to your wrist?” I ask as he comes in. “I didn’t notice you having anything wrong this morning.”
Hamilton holds up his right wrist with a brace on it. “Cabel and Bas were messing around, and I hadn’t been watching. The puck hit me right on the inside of my wrist. It hurts, but it’s not broken. I’m off for a couple of days for it to rest.”
He doesn’t sound mad, which is surprising. Hamilton has one love and commitment in his life: hockey. He doesn’t date, go out and party, nothing. He practices, works out and revolves his life around hockey. I had asked him a few times why, and the only thing he’ll say is it’s his life, and it’s in his soul.
“Considering the season is shot to fuck and it’s not going to hurt for me to have a few days off.” He slightly smirks.
Really?
“Hamilton, you seem... happy?” The kid is serious about everything. I can’t even recall him smiling. Ever.
“Well, I was wondering if—”
“Hammy,” Nova calls as she comes into the living room and hugs him. “I made a lot of food for us.”
“Great. I’m hungry.” He hugs her back.
“Come on, you bums, I’m wasting away here!” Janan yells from the kitchen and we all head toward her. “Everyone have a seat.” She points to the table, and Hamilton shakes off his coat and puts it on the back of the kitchen chair.
I cringe. Sharon won’t like it.
She’s dead.
I take a deep breath and ignore the coat since I know, deep down, Hamilton isn’t being disrespectful at all.
Sharon will be mad.
She’s dead.
My inner battle is killing me because I want to jerk the coat off the chair and put it in the closet—where it belongs. The other side of me is telling me to ignore it, let it go, it’s a coat.
“Daddy, sit down. You can’t eat standing up.” Janan jokes and she sets the new plates filled with food down in front of Hamilton, then one at the head of the table. “Sit.” She points for me to sit there.
I’m frozen.
Nova comes out with her plate and one for Janan. All with heaping piles of food. She didn’t proportion anything. Nothing. I glance at the counter, and the timer isn’t there.
Where’s the timer? How will we know when the ten minutes are up?
“Daddy.” Janan takes my hand and leads me to the head of the table.
Sharon’s spot.
“I’ll sit next—”
“No,” Janan firmly says. “This is your place. Here.” She points to it.
I can feel Nova and Hamilton both staring at me and my daughter.
“You can do it.” Her voice softens and she gently squeezes my biceps. “Please.”
The inner battle ensues and I can’t move. I don’t know what to do. I’m forty-seven and I can’t make a simple decision to sit down at the kitchen table.
You’re so worthless.
Sharon’s voice rings loud in my head. She sat there because she’s the head of the house.
She’s dead.
My body moves without me having to make a decision about it and I sit down. The seat feels strange. It’s as if it’s not made for me to be in it. The hardness holding me up is uncomfortable and I try to adjust to find a better spot, but there isn’t one.
Staring up at me on the plate is a massive portion of Nova’s amazing chicken alfredo. With Sharon, we were only allowed one cup of pasta, one-fourth cup of sauce, and our three ounce piece of chicken. Right now, the plate is overflowing with pasta, sauce, and I’m certain I have the entire piece of chicken on my plate.
The girls and Hamilton dig into their food as Nova tells us, mainly Hamilton, how she created this delicious masterpiece. I hold onto my fork and knife but make no attempts to move toward the food. Nova’s smiling face and excited voice is passionately detailing every step of the cooking process.
“Are you okay, Uncle Tad?” she asks glancing down at my untouched food.
“I’m fine.” My hands begin to move and cut into the chicken.
I listen to the three of them talk about various topics, but I don’t join it.
Everything feels wrong.
Chapter Six
“TODAY WE’RE GOING to talk about the rules, Taden. I know it’s going to be tough, but I believe it’s time.” Caryn sits in her chair across from me, and the expression is clear on her face. She’s not going to back down.
“Okay.” I nod and get ready for the bombardment of questions about to begin.
“Let’s start with rule number one.”
I shake my head. “They’re not numbered or anything like that. She just told us. I am surprised she didn’t write them down.”
“All right, tell me the first one that pops into your head.” Caryn’s pencil is at the ready to take notes on the steno pad under it.
“The shower.” It’s the first one I can think of.
“What about it?”
“We can’t take baths, and our showers can only be ten minutes long. When the timer goes off you need to be out of it.”
“How long did the girls have?”
“Ten minutes.”
“What about Sharon? How long were her showers?”
I stare at the sunflower paintings…
“Didn’t you hear the timer?”
The yelling is coming from Sharon as I’m about to step out of the shower.
“I hurried, but—”
“There’s no but, Taden. Get the fuck out of my shower, you
dumb fuck. You’re going to use up all the hot water.”
“I didn’t—”
“Out. Now.” She goes to slap me, but I jump out of her way.
“I didn’t use up all the hot water.” I try to reason with her.
“Don’t tell me what you did or didn’t do.” Her voice is loud enough to echo in our bathroom.
I turn away from her and wrap a towel around my hips.
“Taden,” she sweetly says my name and I face her.
Only to have hairspray sprayed in my eyes.
“She could take as long as she needed,” I answer.
“What else?”
For some unexplainable reason, my brain takes over and I begin to talk... nonstop. “She only gave us ten minutes to eat our meals. We never owned color plates. There’s no pictures on our walls or any decorations. It’s all very plain and unappealing. She never liked color. All our closets are set in color coordination, and the items are two inches apart from the next items. She even made me put notches in the rods because she told me I was too stupid not to know how far apart two inches was. We can’t eat anywhere else in the house except the kitchen. We never were able to let any of the bottles or glasses sweat on the counters or tables. We couldn’t do anything. She allowed us to do nothing.” I’m almost panting for air when I finish.
What the hell?
“My girls and I couldn’t do anything.” The hot burning tears are creeping up. I try to blink them away, but it doesn’t work. “The other day Janan went on a small rampage and smashed all the dishes. She kept saying, ‘What will happen?’ And she’s right. What will happen if I take a fifteen minute shower? The other night Nova made an amazing dinner and didn’t proportion any of it, and you know what happened?”
Caryn shakes her head.
“Nothing. I went to bed with a full stomach because of her delectable food. That’s what happened.” A tear falls down my left cheek, and for no apparent reason I tell her, “Janan says she’s glad her mother is dead.”
“Are you glad Sharon’s dead?”
I say nothing.
“You can say it.”
My heart thumps hard against my ribcage. “There may be a small part that is as well, but I miss her.”