by Mary Smith
“When was the last time you and Sharon had sex?”
I blink a couple of times. “Really? You want to know about our sex life?”
Caryn nods. “Yes.”
I rub my chin and think about our time together in bed. “In the beginning of the relationship, our sex life was amazing. We did it all the time. Even after Janan was born. But.” I pause thinking about how quickly it went downhill. “The appetite left.”
“How long has it been?”
“With Sharon? Years. I mean Janan and Nova weren’t even in school. I tried to please her and touch her, but it would be like a ticking time bomb. I can’t even remember the last time we kissed.” Another tear falls.
“You said with Sharon? Did you have sex outside your marriage?”
I close my eyes, and the tears fall harder. The pain in my soul is suffocating me. It’s hard to breathe as the now familiar pain engulfs my chest. “I’m a horrible husband.” I gasp for air and I feel Caryn right next to me. She’s handing me a tissue and is holding my hand.
“Why do you think that you’re a horrible husband?”
“Because it killed her.” The words leave my mouth, and I can’t stop it. Just like before. “I missed the touch of a woman. A loving touch. I missed someone wanting me, turning me on, me turning them on. I missed it. I missed it all.” I wipe my face.
“What happened?”
“In December, I was away at a game in Portland. Normally, I don’t drink. Maybe an occasional beer but nothing harder than that. Our season sucked, and Sharon was getting worse and worse. I needed... something. This beautiful woman came up to me, and I already had two glasses of whiskey, and I never drink the hard liquor. She was beautiful, young, much younger, and we were talking. Actually, we talked about hockey. She knew her shit and she made me smile and laugh, and she got my jokes.”
The tears roll faster as I open my eyes and look at Caryn. There’s no judgment on her face, she’s listening to me.
“I don’t know how we ended up in my room. I can’t remember. I really can’t because I’ve tried a million times to think about how we ended up there, but we did.”
“What happened?”
“She stayed with me the entire night. All night we were... together. It had been so long to have a woman’s hand on me. To…” I trail off.
“Say it, Taden.”
“To let me be a man,” I say it and the pain in my soul is back.
“Sharon found out didn’t she?”
I close my eyes and nod. “I gave the girl, Macy, my number. Why? I have no clue. I knew better, but I did.”
“That’s how Sharon found out.”
“No.” I shake my head. “There’s a lock on my phone and Sharon never was able to break it. She found out because... because I had been in the shower taking care of myself and I said Macy’s name.” My cheeks burn. I’m a man who has to whack off in a shower because his own wife hasn’t touched him in years.
Caryn nods. “And Sharon heard you.”
“Yes.” I take a deep breath. “She absolutely went nuts, worse than ever before. I admitted to her I cheated. It really had been the only time and I hadn’t talked to Macy since. I just…” I can’t finish the sentence. Hell, I can’t finish the thought. How do you explain to a woman how you don’t feel like a man?
“You wanted to feel again. I can understand.” Caryn remains next to me. “I don’t think you’re a bad person, Taden. The feelings, even though not expressing them, are how any man, or person, would feel in your situation.”
I nod and wipe my face clear of the salty tears.
“When did Sharon hear you?”
I swallow back the lump still hanging in my throat and turn to Caryn. “The morning before she killed herself.”
“And you believed you killed her?”
“I don’t believe it. I know it.”
“How so?”
“Sharon.” I pause and clear my throat. “She left a suicide note.” My voice is barely a whisper.
“What did the note say?”
“She said she wasn’t sorry for her life with me, only how I didn’t obey her enough. Then she said the cheating was the final straw for her and how I pushed her to this.”
I close my eyes again as the words of her letter drift over me…
I sit on our bed, gripping the letter tightly in my hands. Janan and Nova had gone back to their classes and I’m alone in the house.
Taddy.
The words are in handwriting. She always had the best penmanship. I carefully open the envelope and pull out the last words and final thoughts of my wife:
Taddy,
For the past twenty plus years I’ve been the best I could be to you. I have bent over backwards every day of our life together to show you how much I love you. However, day in and day out you’ve been the worst human being to me. All I wanted is for you to obey and understand me.
You have proven to me time and time again what a worthless man you really are.
And now this…
Cheating? Really. It just goes to show how many women out in the world will spread their legs for anyone. Was she blind? Did she not see how old you are?
Nonetheless, it shows, again, what kind of man and husband you are. A piece of shit. A dickless fuck who would betray the one woman who’s been by your side the longest. All the moving across the US, all the injuries, the way Janan destroyed my body because of my weight gain during the pregnancy. All of it.
This is what it has led to... you killing me.
“Taden, you must know you didn’t make her pull the trigger.” Caryn’s voice is low.
“How can I ever be sure of it? Me telling her about Macy is what drove her to the end. What if I didn’t tell her? What if I’d never cheated? What if I killed myself?”
“Taden, what if is the most dangerous game in the world and the most deadly. You can’t bring it upon yourself to play the game. There’s no winners there. Sharon obviously had something much deeper happening to her. It’s something you’ll never know the answer to, but we can work on you and get you back into a functioning life.”
“I’m not sure I’ll ever be functioning again.” It’s a fear weighing deeply in the back of my mind.
“Yes you will. It just takes time.” Caryn smiles and seems to be positive about it.
IT’S SURPRISINGLY WARM for New Hampshire in March and when my session finished with Caryn I decided to go for a walk. Even though there’s still snow on the ground I continue to walk. I don’t have any place in particular to go, but I don’t want to be back at the house.
I hate the house more and more.
I shouldn’t hate the house. It’s a perfectly suitable home. The girls spent most of their lives there, considering we did move around a lot until I received the head coach position. I’ve not been there for them like I should have been. I know this and they do too. I grab my phone and send them each a text.
Me: Dinner tonight. Dress nice we’re going to the steakhouse.
I need for all of us to talk. I need to let them know the reason why Sharon killed herself. If they’re going to hate me and never speak to me again, I want to know now. I can’t let this keep going on.
Janan: Okay =)
Nova: Np
Caryn said she’s going to get me back to a functioning life, and I think the first step is to be honest. Right? Right.
I SIT AT the kitchen table in a suit, waiting for the girls to finish getting ready. I have Sharon’s note in my pocket. Doing this in public isn’t the brightest plan, but I don’t want to do it in the house. It’s too close to... her. This house is still Sharon’s. It always will be. I don’t have any hold on it besides paying the mortgage and bills. Nothing here is mine. Nothing. It may have four walls and a roof, but it’s empty to me.
“We’re ready, Daddy,” Janan calls and I grab the keys as we all head out to my car.
On the drive over the girls each take turns telling me about their classes. Tomorrow is Janan’
s rally and I can’t wait to hear her up on the podium. She doesn’t even seem nervous. She’s brave and believes deeply in women’s rights. I’m so proud of her.
When we get to the steakhouse, we’re seated right away. I had called ahead and reserved a private dining room. If the girls do lose it on me, at least the entire world won’t hear them. Then again Janan did inherit my loud voice.
The waitress comes back and takes our drink order first. We already knew what we wanted because we get the same thing. It’s strange how much the three of us are alike.
“What did you want to talk about, Uncle Tad?” Nova asks, sipping on her water.
“Wait.” Janan speaks first. “We should talk to you first, Daddy.”
“Oh.” I glance between her and Nova. “What’s going on?”
“I’m just going to come out and say it because it’s a long time coming.” Janan stares right at me. “Nova and I want to get an apartment together. We don’t like staying in the house. There are too many horrid memories, and we don’t want to be there anymore.”
I study Janan’s face. Here sits my beautiful daughter who’s never been a little girl. She hasn’t been. Sharon has made this child, hell both of them, grow up too fast. She’s made them adults when they should have been experiencing life. Yes, they’re still quite young and have so much life in front of them, but they don’t want to be in their own home anymore. And I don’t blame them one bit.
“I had been thinking about the house today as well,” I tell them.
“Really? Are you thinking of selling?” Janan’s eyes go bright and Nova is listening intently.
“Well…” I trail off because I hadn’t really thought about it until she said something. “You know what, that’s a brilliant idea. We need to sell the house and everything in it.”
They both smile and a small weight off my shoulders disappears.
“We could find a condo or a townhouse—” Nova starts.
“No.” I stop her. “You two need to find an apartment together. You need to have your own space and a place you both are comfortable in. I’m going to find something small, or whatever, but you two have had too much to deal with and it’s my fault.”
They both open their mouths to say something, but I stop them again.
“No, it’s the truth. I should have been a better man to protect you both and wasn’t what you needed. Now, I’m going to start making it up to you both. We’re going to start anew.”
They beam and Nova holds up her glass. “To anew.”
“To anew.” Janan holds hers up.
“To anew.” I hold up my water glass and together we clink them.
The waitress brings our salads and I pick at mine. It’s time we talked. “Girls, I had asked you here tonight because I had a session with Caryn today and there’s something you need to know.”
Both of the girls put their attention on me and I pull out the letter. “If you both hate me at the end of this, I’ll understand, but I will always be here for you both.”
I hand it to Janan, who studies it before opening. Nova leans over and together they read the words of Sharon. I pick up my glass and take a large gulp of water as I wait for them to finish the note.
“You cheated on Mom?” Janan looks up and I’m not sure how pissed she is.
“I did. It was only one time in December. She had found out by accident and she... well…” My throat is closing up, and my heart is picking up speed.
“Good for you.” Nova speaks up first and Janan nods.
“What?”
“Nova’s right. Good for you. You had been treated like shit for as long as I can remember. You deserve happiness, even if it was only for one night,” Janan adds and hands back the letter. “Mom’s a horrible person. Those words are just more of her evilness trying to keep a hold on our life. I say fuck her and let’s go be happy.”
My mouth falls open. “Janan, I cheated.” I remind her.
“Yes. And I would never condone cheating, but you haven’t been married for a very long time. You found comfort in someone else for one night because the she-devil pretty much has kept you locked under her thumb for almost two decades. I’m glad you did and I hope you had fun.” She goes back to her salad.
“I couldn’t say it better, Jan.” Nova nods.
“Girls, she killed herself because of me.” Did they read the same letter as me?
“No.” Nova shakes her head. “Aunt Sharon killed herself because she was mentally sick. I truly believe she had some sort of mental illness and she drank alcohol like a fish. She made the decision to do it. There’s nothing we could have done.”
“Here. Here.” Janan taps her fork on the side of her water glass.
“You’re both wrong.” I rub my temples. “This is all my fault.”
“No,” they both say.
“You couldn’t stop her, Daddy. It’s over now and we all need to be thankful the evil witch is fucking dead and we can have our happily ever afters.” Janan stares at me. “The past fifteen years have been nothing but a fucking never-ending nightmare that’s now ended. It’s time we all take this second chance and find our true lives.”
Janan sounds much wiser than I could ever be. She’s young and doesn’t realize how much this has changed our lives, but she makes a valid point about our happily ever afters.
Maybe for them, but not for me.
Instead of talking about it more, Nova begins to talk about her classes again, and I drop the subject.
For now.
THE UNIVERSITY OF New Hampshire’s campus is packed full of supporters and members of NOW. Nova and I are off to the side of the stage listening to the women and the pillars of the community educate everyone on women’s rights and stories of those who have seen the pitfalls of companies treating women differently.
Janan is about to take the podium when Hamilton appears next to us.
“Hammy, you made it.” Nova beams, hugging him.
“Yes.” He seems... nervous.
“You okay, Baer?” I ask giving him a once over.
He simply nods and Janan begins her speech. She’s electric up there. Her confidence is shining through as she states about the injustice of women’s rights. I’m so proud of her standing up for what she believes in. It’s hard to believe my little girl is nineteen.
She’s going to rule the world one day.
As she finishes up, we are all clapping and cheering for her and her powerful speech. She can move a crowd. I glance at Hamilton and he’s beaming. Actually beaming. There’s a bright smile on his face, and he’s clapping louder than anyone else.
Strange.
We watch the rest of the rally and the crowd grows larger. I’m hoping the people and the world understand the message NOW is trying to get across. Women have just as much right as men.
Janan comes racing over to us and throws her arms around my neck. She’s so tall. “I didn’t puke.”
I laugh. “You were amazing.” I let her go. “I can’t tell you how great you were because there are no words that exist for it.”
Her smile is still wide and she realizes Hamilton is here. “You came?”
“I told you I would.”
Janan’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink and it hits me. She has a crush on Hamilton. I should have seen it before, and I can understand it. He’s been there for her a lot this past year. I’m certain Hamilton doesn’t even notice it. He’s not that type of guy. His head is in hockey.
“Are we all going to dinner?” Nova asks.
“Yes, let’s celebrate,” I say and hug Janan again. “Hamilton, you coming?”
He’s staring at Janan but quickly focuses on me. “Sure. I didn’t have any plans anyway.”
We all load up in my car and leave the girls’ and Hamilton’s car here. I drive us right over to Janan’s favorite Mexican restaurant. We order a huge order of nachos to share and a family size portion of tacos. We’re all digging into the abundance of food, laughing at Nova’s cooking disast
er stories, and poking fun at Hamilton’s inability not to lose food out of the taco, and it’s perfect.
This is how life should be. Fun.
I LIFT THE weights into an arm curl and let it down. The Bears are all around me carrying on like they normally do. I hadn’t planned on working out today, but Hamilton told me last night how much the guys were missing me. Plus, Kevin and Mike wanted to chat with me for a few minutes, and I figured this would be the perfect time to do both.
“Coach, how’s the vacation going?” Alden, the jokester, comes over to me with a few of the other guys.
“It’s just peachy.” I set the weights back down in their proper spot.
“You’re just lounging around, drinking beer, and watching porn, right?” Alden chuckles.
“No.” I shake my head ignoring his immaturity.
“He’s going to therapy and resting,” Bas whispers, but it’s still loud enough for me to hear. I see Cabel slap him hard in the arm.
I turn to see the entire team staring at me now. It’s like there’s a massive spotlight on me as if I am about to give a speech.
“Coach, he didn’t mean anything—” Cabel tries to defend the rookie, but I hold up my hand.
“I know.”
“Hey, Coach.” Remington Rosin steps up in front of them all. Remington is a great guy. “We’re all here for you. I’m sure it’s a very hard time for you, but there’s no judgement here from us. We miss you though and we all hope you’re getting better.” The guys nod and mumble in agreement.
My emotions are bubbling up to the top again, but this isn’t where I’m going to break down. “Listen, you guys, I’ve been on a lot of teams as a player and a coach, but this team, the one right in front of me, is the greatest bunch I’ve ever had the privilege of being a part of.” I nod to them and head down the hall toward the coach’s office,
“Taden.” Kevin shakes my hand. “You ready to work a bit?”
“More than you know.” I sit down and we begin to go over some paperwork.