Murder Mittens
Page 28
“I expect you’ll get catcalls, because everyone will now see what I’ve known all along. You’re beautiful.”
I wondered how long it would be before I recognized my reflection in the mirror. “I won’t scare the kittens anymore.”
“No, you won’t. Are you ready to see your parents?”
“Well, now that they know I’ve had emergency surgery thanks to my boss, it’s probably a good idea. Can I hide behind you? I’m not sure what they’re going to say.”
“They’re going to ask how you afforded it, I’m sure.”
“I’ll just tell them I’m secretly an assassin, I kill people for a living, and that I moonlight as a customer service representative.”
“So, the truth?”
“They won’t believe me.” I giggled. “Me? Murder people for pay? Never.”
“You are a very bad kitty. In bad news, we’re going to have to have all of your presents shipped to my house, as there is no way they’re going to fit in the car.”
“No kidding. Any boxes I should take with me?”
Sebastian took hold of my arm and pulled me back into the sitting room, pointing at a white-wrapped box on the coffee table. “That one contains a ring, and I’m hoping when I grovel to you on my knees, you’ll agree to marry me despite lynxes not often marrying.”
“That’s an engagement ring?”
“There are two matching wedding rings in the box, too. Finding the perfect ring for you kept me busy when I had to make myself scarce.” Sebastian considered the other boxes, pointing at a wrapped clothing box. “That’s a sexy secretary outfit.”
“That goes in the car for certain. Where’s the box with your leash?”
To my astonishment, he pointed at a small, square box. “Cuffs, leash… close enough.”
“Meow, Mr. Mane.” I bounced to the box, picked it up, and tore into the paper, revealing the promised handcuffs, two pairs, with fuzzy wraps meant to keep confinement comfortable. “You are such a naughty kitty.”
“I’m not the naughty one if you’re the one handling the cuffs.”
Well, then. “To the bedroom, lion. Prepare to be ravished at my leisure.”
To keep my family from freaking out, we blitzed back home from Chicago. Sebastian handled most of the driving, as while I no longer needed the creams to keep my skin from returning to its scarred state, I lasted no more than two hours before I needed a nap.
My virus would need another few weeks to recover from an over-exposure to drugs, the operation, my lion-hunting ways, and the lynx-hunting ways of my lion. Per the CDC’s orders, Sebastian made a point of feeding me after every nap to help my virus replicate, and he limited his lynx-hunting ways to no more than once per day.
I loathed and abhorred everything about the CDC, and I would until they lifted my lion’s ban on lynx hunting.
After a full day of no love from my lion, we arrived at my parents’ house. I hissed and sulked in my seat. “This is cruel and unusual punishment.”
“Your mating season is in full swing, you’re insatiable, and you’ll have to suffer for another week. Your virus needs to recover. It’s just a week or two. Once your virus tests at stable levels, I will ravish you properly. Would roaring at you help?”
“Maybe.”
He turned his head and roared in my face. As always, I purred.
He stared at me.
Idiot that I was, I kept on purring.
“Better?”
I thought about it. “Much, actually.”
“You can hide behind me for five minutes. After that, I’m tossing you to them. You’re beautiful with or without those scars, and you worked hard to get rid of them. You have nothing to be afraid of.”
“They might hate it.” Worse, they might be angry at me for having gotten rid of them.
“They won’t hate you or your face. They’re not going to be angry at you, either. They’re going to be curious about where you got the money, as you didn’t sell your new Corvette to get the funds. And yes, you could have sold the car to get the down payment. They probably knew that when they bought the vehicle.”
“I’d never sell a car they worked so hard to buy me, Sebastian.”
“I know that, you know that, but they probably wanted you to have the option. They do love you. I’m very convinced of that after the conversation I had to endure with your father. I mean, how do you tell a woman’s father she’s not nearly as innocent as he believes?”
“He’s not going to believe I’m capable of seducing anyone or being seduced until I show up with a litter of kittens, Sebastian.”
Sebastian snickered. “How long do you think that’ll take?”
“Eight months? Nine if they’re evil little twerps and hold out on me? I could show up here in six months about ready to burst at the seams, and they’ll just think I have gotten really fat because I have a lion feeding me every five fucking minutes.”
“I’m going to keep feeding you every five fucking minutes until the scanner reports your virus levels are back to where they belong.”
Damn it. “I wasn’t even hungry the last time, and you made me eat anyway.”
“My poor, poor little lynx. So terribly inconvenienced, forced to eat cake in your Corvette. Chocolate cake. With strawberries on top.”
I swallowed. “It was good cake, too. But my point stands, you made me eat that entire cake. By myself! I’m going to get fat.”
“You need to feed your virus, yourself, and the evil little twerps likely making themselves at home right now.”
“Stupid aphrodisiacs. Stupid virus. Stupid, sexy lion. Stupid idiot boss, tattling to my family. They kept trying to get me to accept my scars.”
Sebastian killed the engine, sighed, and got out of the car, closing the door. He came around to my side, opened my door, and said, “You can either get out and be your typical prideful, pain in the ass self, or you can be dragged out kicking and screaming. But you’re getting out of the car, and you’re going to reassure your family everything is fine. You don’t have to mention anything about a possible litter, which would, by the way, have been on the way before your little adventure hunting a serial killer.”
Damn him and his sexy lion ways. “It’s the Corvette’s fault.”
“Sure it is. I’m pretty sure you pulled over after being told exactly what would happen to you if you did.”
I purred at the memory. “I really did. I earned it. The whole point is to make certain that is the end result in the appropriate period of time. An entire litter, you hear me?”
“You’re the one in charge of the numbers, Wells. I’m the one responsible for the gender, you’re the one responsible for the size of the litter. That is science.”
“I’m still annoyed the CDC put a ban on lions hunting lynxes vigorously. I think this ban is stupid.”
“Be happy they recognized you’re a hormonal battlefield and need some exposure to my virus so you don’t go absolutely insane. You can wait a few hours. After you have convinced your family you’re alive, kicking, and there’s nothing the matter, I’ll take you home, where I will indulge in a gentle and extended seduction of my lynx.”
“You have my attention.”
“I just need to be in the same general area for that to happen right now. Your father had warned me lynx mating seasons were intense, but I hadn’t been prepared for the reality. How did you keep your hands off me in prior seasons?”
“The roars helped, but it was miserable, lonely, and generally awful.”
Sebastian leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Come on out of there. Nobody is going to be upset with you. Are you sure you’re going to tell them to truth?”
“Do you think they’ll believe it?”
“Well, we’ll find out in about five minutes. If you want to hide behind me for a few minutes until you’re ready, that’s fine, but you have five minutes to get your ass in gear or I’m going to help you put your ass in gear.”
“Don’t get a job as a shrink.
You’d be terrible at it.”
“You don’t need a shrink. You have a lot to get used to, but it’ll be fine. They love you no matter what your face looks like.” Sebastian unbuckled my seatbelt, took hold of my hands, and pulled me out of the car. “I’ll even toss myself in front of your family as a sacrifice and use the ring if you think it’ll distract them. But you need to show them your face.”
“I could wear a bag. There’s a gift bag in the trunk big enough.”
Sebastian went to the trunk, popped it open, dumped the present out of the bag, and returned, shoving it over my head. “Now you’re gift wrapped. Excellent. You’re just going to have to follow my lead on this. You waited too long, so you lose.”
“What did I lose?”
“Your pride and dignity. You’re wearing a bag over your head. Now, move. I’ve got your purse. The bag had spa stuff in it, and I’ll clean it up after.”
With Sebastian’s help, I began the march to the front door. “Now I really look like an idiot.”
“Well, yes. You’re the one making a fuss over this.”
“It happened so soon!”
“So did the probable litter, because they usually don’t give lycanthropes pixie dust after operations. They use a harder sedative, which tells me they were giving you everything safe for expecting women. And they would have known from the incubus if you were, and it meant he wouldn’t have had to do any actual work on you beyond prepping for the curse. Which, by the way, is still intact. I asked.”
“Were we tricked?”
“It’s CDC policy not to notify in the first two weeks of a pregnancy because of the high rate of miscarriage. But with an incubus on board? You’re not going to miscarry. The incubus would have resolved any problems.”
Huh. “I had no idea.”
“They try to keep that one under wraps, but I’m in the know, because they have policies for rape victims. We fall under the mated couple policies, which means they try to do no harm. That, plus they needed you for the job, and if I thought you were pregnant, there would have been no completed job.”
Right. Overprotective male lycanthrope. I sniffed my arm. “What does pregnant lycanthrope smell like?”
“That’s the problem. I have no idea.”
I knew who would, and I tore off the gift bag and stomped towards the house. “Mom!”
Behind me, Sebastian sighed. “You’re something else, Harri.”
“What? I want to know!”
My holler brought the entire family to the front door, and I plowed through my brothers in search of my mother, made it two steps past my father, and came to a halt when he snagged me by my collar. “Hold it right there, missy.”
Busted. Wait. My father had how many litters of children? I turned, and I shoved my arm in his face. “Smell.”
With a worn, tired sigh, my father obeyed. “What are you trying to do?”
“Figure out if I’m having a litter yet? What else would I be doing? I don’t know what litter-bearing lynx smells like. You should. So, smell!”
“Would you care to discuss why we got a call about an emergency operation?”
Crap. Right. The operation. “I disliked my old face, so I got a new one. After an unfortunate side-job incident, my virus crashed, which meant I could have the operation at normal human prices.” Not only had I gotten the operation at normal human prices, the CDC honored the intent of the contract, meaning I wouldn’t worry about money again anytime soon.
Instead of millions for specialists and extra work to contain my virus, the CDC had only needed an eighth of the proposed amount, and they’d been worried about tapping my virus too much rather than controlling it, requiring Sebastian’s virus to bolster mine rather than knock it out of operation.
My father’s eyes widened. “You got your scar removal done on your face for the price humans are charged? Did you get a loan?”
“I didn’t pay for it,” Sebastian announced, stepping into the house and easing his way through my brothers. “I did provide blood for the operation, however, to prevent complications. She paid for it herself from money she’s been saving for years. But yes, she had an accident, which crashed her virus. It was fairly minor, but the CDC took advantage of the opportunity, and the surgeons were available, so they did the work.”
“We knew she’d been saving, but the operation is expensive.”
“I kill people for a living, and I moonlight as a customer service representative on the side,” I announced, rather proud of myself all in all.
My entire family stared at me.
Uncle Henry busted out into laughter. “I should have known. You’re Murder Mittens. You’re a naughty little kitty. Bad girl. You knew Sebastian because he’s been handling you for years, although he was only given your permanent assignment because the file stated you’re a serious pain in the ass and have given him minimal problems. However, the file on Murder Mittens implied you’re a male. You are definitely not a male.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hissed at my uncle. “I met Sebastian in a coffee shop!”
“Probably about a bounty the CDC required a handler for, and coffee shops make good places for handlers to meet their hunters,” my uncle replied.
“He felt sorry for me and gave me a hot chocolate.”
“Well, he is a lion, and he feels sorry for anyone who isn’t also a lion.”
Sebastian chuckled. “A bunch of assholes had just flinched because of her face, and she was miserable about it, so I wanted to cheer her up a little. Then I discovered she purred whenever she annoyed me into roaring. I’ve been carefully training her to purr whenever I roar ever since.”
I shrugged. “It’s true. I hated the scars, so I got rid of them. Now the kittens won’t flinch until they’re used to me, and I won’t scare the wolves off, not that I care if I scare off some damned wolves.”
“What sort of accident were you in?” my father growled.
“The kind that gets me eternally grounded?” I replied, refusing to look him in the eyes.
“You already told him you kill people for a living, Harri. You might as well tell him why you landed that pretty ass of yours in the operating room.”
“Fine. I invited a serial killer to kidnap me because I matched his demographic, where I brutally slaughtered him and his accomplices, rescuing two ladies who had a date with death. They now have a date with their families instead. The CDC paid me with a fixed face and some cash to do it. The lion whined the entire time.”
My father huffed, he ruffled my hair, and kissed my cheek. “Your mother’s in the kitchen making dinner, so you better get in there and help while I have a talk with your lion about why you’re shoving your arm in my face.”
“I took him to a secondary location. It’s the Corvette’s fault. It made me do it. I’m innocent.”
“You, innocent?” Sebastian asked with laughter in his voice.
“You are a bad, bad lion.” I stomped my foot and headed to the kitchen. “So bad. Blame him, Daddy. I’m pure innocence.”
“Sorry, Sebastian, but it looks like I have to blame you. She’s obviously innocent.”
“And that, boys, is how you get away with murder,” Uncle Henry announced.
Dear Readers,
I hope this book, which probably does classify as pure fluff, made your day cheery and bright.
May you all have a happy holidays.
~R.J. Blain
About R.J. Blain
Want to hear from the author when a new book releases? You can sign up at her website (thesneakykittycritic.com). Please note this newsletter is operated by the Furred & Frond Management. Expect to be sassed by a cat. (With guest features of other animals, including dogs.)
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A complete list of books written by RJ and her various pen names is available at https://books2read.com/rl/The-Fantasy-Worlds-of-RJ-Blain.
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RJ Blain suffers from a Moleskine journal obsession, a pen fixation, and a terrible tendency to pun withou
t warning.
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When she isn't playing pretend, she likes to think she's a cartographer and a sumi-e painter.
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In her spare time, she daydreams about being a spy. Should that fail, her contingency plan involves tying her best of enemies to spinning wheels and quoting James Bond villains until she is satisfied.
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RJ also writes as Susan Copperfield and Bernadette Franklin. Visit RJ and her pets (the Management) at thesneakykittycritic.com.
Follow RJ & her alter egos on Bookbub:
RJ Blain
Susan Copperfield
Bernadette Franklin
Upcoming R.J. Blain releases
Dirty Deeds: an Urban Fantasy Collection (featuring a Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) novella, releases on January 12, 2021.
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Wild Wolf, the second novel of the Wolf Hunt trilogy, releases on January 19, 2021. (Moved from December 22, 2020 to preserve the author’s flagging sanity.)
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Catnapped: a Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) releases on May 11, 2021.
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Client from Hell: A Magically Hellish Comedy (with a body count) releases on July 27, 2021.
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Booked for Kidnapping: Vigilante Magical Librarians Book 2 releases on September 7, 2021.
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Up in Smoke: The Fox Witch Book 2 releases on November 2, 2021.
Acknowledgments
A special thanks to my editor and proofreaders.
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