The Heart Knows It

by Julie Allan

  “Thanks, Amy. That would be awesome. I was planning to ask Faith to do the Karate run for Sawyer.”

  Amy scooped cornbread batter into muffin tins. “How is Bennett handling the radiation”?

  “He has been tolerating really well. This morning is the first time I noticed anything.”

  “What was that?” Amy placed the corn muffins into the oven.

  Lizzie began shredding the cheese. “He slept late, and I had to wake him up. Plus, he didn’t want any breakfast.”

  “He seemed okay at church.”

  “Well, he ate normally after church and then worked on our bikes this afternoon. I have a feeling once we add in the chemo on Tuesday, we are going to start to have problems.”

  Thirty minutes later, after tearing the boys of the family away from the NFL play-off game to fix their bowls, the family ate on trays in front of the TV. Lizzie noticed that Bennett was picking at his chili. “Something wrong, Bennett?”

  “Do you think the chili tastes a bit metallic?” Bennett sat down his spoon and took a bite of his corn muffin.

  “I think I can remedy that.” Lizzie put her tray down and headed out to the kitchen. She returned with a plastic spoon in her hand.

  Bennett took the spoon from her. “I don’t think changing spoons will help.”

  “Just try it.”

  Bennett scooped up some chili and put the plastic spoon in his mouth. “Wow! That is better! How did you know?”

  Lizzie smiled. “It’s one of the tips I got from M.A. the other day. She said with radiation and chemo often times people get a metallic taste when they eat and plastic utensils can help.”

  Amy smiled across at Lizzie. “I have no doubt Bennett, that Lizzie has anticipated all your needs.”

  “I’m definitely in good hands.” Bennett happily ate the rest of his chili making both Lizzie and Amy happy.

  Amy cleared away his tray, “I’ll send leftovers home for you to eat on this week.”

  Tuesday brought a shift to the routine. After radiation, they had an hour wait time before Bennett’s first chemo appointment. Chemo would be given Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday each week for the next four weeks on top of the radiation. Besides checking in with The Biscuit Box after getting the kids off to school, Lizzie had to put more in the hands of her manager. Bennett had a port to receive the chemo through, and he had come armed with a playlist of music to meditate with. Lizzie had her tablet and books.

  The staff made Bennett comfortable with warmed-up blankets, his feet propped in the industrial recliner. Lizzie sat next to him and tried to concentrate on the product catalogs she was scanning on her tablet. She watched as the liquid from the bag on the pole ran down the tube and into Bennett’s arm. Poison to kill the cancer. Lizzie shuddered at the idea of poison flowing into her husband’s body. There were newer and more targeted drug therapies, but they had been told those were recommended only for those in more advanced stages in the disease. She hoped they never got to the point they would find out more about that. Lizzie studied Bennett’s face. He was surprisingly serene, his eyes closed, his long lashes lying against his cheeks. The music he was listening to transporting him away from the reality of this room. She wondered if he could feel the poison seeping into him. She hoped the cancer was being eradicated, but the rest of his body could withstand the collateral damage. Lizzie had been stunned by the number of patients they had seen in the waiting area. It was strange to think that on any given day while people went about their daily lives, hundreds of folks right here in this community were in this battle, unknown by most until it touched them personally.

  They were given a prescription for anti-nausea medicine, and as soon as Lizzie dropped Bennett at the house, she headed out to get it filled. When she returned, she offered to heat some of Amy’s chili up for him. Bennett came to the table and sat down in front of the steaming bowl. His face wrinkled up, and he pushed the bowl away.

  “What’s wrong?” Lizzie asked.

  Bennett gave her a weak smile. “The smell. I usually like that smell, but right now it is making me extremely nauseous.”

  Lizzie whisked it away to the counter. “How about some toast, or I can whip up a milkshake?”

  “A milkshake would be nice. I’m going to do some work in the office.” Bennett got up and immediately grabbed at the table. Seeing the concern on Lizzie’s face he winked at her. “Stood up too fast.”

  Lizzie nodded. She was not buying it, but she played along. She watched him walk out of the kitchen and then gathered the ingredients for the milkshake. She added a healthy scoop of protein powder. Her research had told her high calories and protein were goals for the patient’s diet.

  After delivering the milkshake to Bennett in the office along with an anti-nausea pill, she popped her head into the living room where Aunt Dorothy was working on some needlepoint. “Aunt Dorothy, would you like some chili? I heated a bowl for Bennett, but he decided he wanted a milkshake instead.”

  Aunt Dorothy looked up from the magnifier she was wearing around her neck to help her see the stitches. “That would be lovely, child. I’ll come out to the kitchen.”

  Lizzie heated up the bowl again and then a bowl for herself. The two sat and ate in companionable silence. Aunt Dorothy took her last spoonful and let the spoon clatter into the bowl. “You will have to tell Amy how much I like her chili. I take it the chemo is already starting to have some side effects.”

  Lizzie pushed her half-eaten bowl away. “Yes, it was only our first dose, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to do four weeks of this.”

  Bennett stuck his head in the door. “I think I’m going to go lie down.”

  “Can I do anything for you?” Lizzie started to stand up from the table.

  Bennett waved her back down. “No, I just need to sleep for a while.” He turned and disappeared down the hall.

  Lizzie looked over to Aunt Dorothy, instinctively seeking her strength.

  Aunt Dorothy laid her hand gently over Lizzie’s. “This too shall pass, child. Let’s pray together.”

  As Aunt Dorothy held her hands and uttered a prayer for strength and comfort, Lizzie could feel the flow of energy between their souls and around them, as if angel wings were blanketing them in love.

  By Friday not only had the promised polar vortex arrived, but Bennett was now feeling the full effects of his treatment. In the morning he woke to find a clump of his wavy dark, slightly salt and peppered hair on his pillow. After radiation, he was tired and nauseous; he just wanted to crawl into bed. Lizzie didn’t push him to eat. The weather radio went off, the cold was going to crash with a mass of precipitation coming in from the west. Schools were being released two hours early to avoid icy conditions. A winter storm warning was rare in the lowcountry. Lizzie went to the grocery store along with half the town. She got the last two gallons of milk. She also picked up several gallons of ice cream and a few other items to help them weather the storm. By the time she got home, the kids were there, and she found them along with Bennett playing monopoly in front of the fire.

  “Well, this looks cozy!” Lizzie was pleased to see Bennett up and interacting with the kids. She was sure they had begun to notice the changes their father was going through. Dot had begun to be a quiet around him.

  “There is a good chance we might lose power tonight.” Aunt Dorothy stood at the window watching the gathering clouds.

  “Let’s have a family camp out right here in the living room. We can sleep by the fire and make s’mores . . .” Sawyer looked hopefully from face to face.

  Dot brightened at the idea. “Can we? Please!”

  “Great idea, I’ll get a good supply of wood in.” Bennett started to stand up. He bent over, and for a moment Lizzie thought he was going to fall.

  She rushed to steady him and helped him to a chair. The children froze, not sure how to react.

  Sawyer jumped to his feet. “I’m the boy scout around here. I’ll get the wood.”

  Lizzie sh
ot Dot a look. Dot jumped up, “Wait, I’ll help you, squirt.”

  “I bet you haven’t eaten, let me fix you a milkshake.” Lizzie patted Bennett on his arm.

  Bennett looked up at her. “No, after my nap I started playing with the kids. A milkshake would be nice.”

  While the blender whirred, Lizzie caught her fear and concern and consciously pushed them back down. This storm would have them spending a lot of time together for the next day or so; she needed to present a brave and cheerful front.

  Late in the afternoon, the freezing rain began pelting the lowcountry. It did not take long before the roads and wires were coated with a layer of ice. Around eight o’clock the power flickered and died, but the family was ready. The hurricane lanterns had been pulled out. A sleeping place for Aunt Dorothy had been made on the couch and one for Bennett in the recliner. Sleeping bags and pillows were on the floor for Lizzie, the kids, and Maddie and Monroe. Bennett managed to eat half of a s’more, and they all enjoyed listening to stories shared by Aunt Dorothy about Uncle George and her childhood. By eleven o’clock they were all sleeping. All except Lizzie. She was monitoring the fire. There was something mesmerizing about the dancing flames. It still surprised her to know the hottest part of the flame was blue. Lizzie had always associated blue with the soothing water and sky of the lowcountry. She watched as the wood became ash and crumbled, falling through the grate to land on the floor of the fireplace. She glanced over to Bennett; he was softly snoring almost in tune with the dogs. She turned to see the gentle rise and drop of Aunt Dorothy’s breathing. Her eyes scanned her sleeping children; so innocent, and she wanted to keep them that way for as long as possible. Lizzie wanted to shield them from what was happening to their father. At the same time, she wanted to prepare them, just in case. An ember jumped out on the hearth, and she grabbed the shovel to put it back in the grate. She closed her eyes and tried to imprint the scene around her, the family all together, in her mind. This is what she was fighting to hold on to. This was what kept her heart full.

  Chapter 14

  Mondays were fast becoming one of the better days in the week for Lizzie. After a few days without any chemo, the side effects became more manageable, and with only radiation treatments on Mondays, both Lizzie and Bennett could put in a close to a normal workday. Bennett had taken to working out of the home office in case he needed to rest. Lizzie had found it was one of the few days in the week she could spend some time at The Biscuit Box, and she relished the escape into her work. Aunt Dorothy had encouraged her to stay until closing on Mondays, offering to handle the afterschool snack and homework.

  The Valentine season was always one of Lizzie’s favorite at the shop. They carried handmade chocolates made by local chocolatiers. She offered heart-shaped biscuits and even molded butter pats into hearts for the dine-in service. Valentine’s always made her think of Mr. Lee and Mrs. McGantry. She remembered them coming for lunch to tell her all about their engagement. High school sweethearts who found their way back together in their seventies. Their example, helped her and Bennett finally make the jump into commitment to each other. Lizzie smiled at the memory.

  She closed up shop and headed back to the house. Aunt Dorothy and Dot had taken on Monday night dinner duty. It was such a great time for the two of them to build on their bond and for Dot to learn from a master. Lizzie hung her coat in the closet. The aromas from the kitchen were enticing but may be too much for Bennett. He had become so sensitive to smells. She stuck her head in the office, but it was empty along with the living room. In the kitchen, she found Dot stirring a pot on the stove with Aunt Dorothy at her shoulder. Sawyer was at the table playing on his tablet.

  “Smells good in here! What’s cooking?” Lizzie ruffled Sawyer’s hair and peered into the pot where Dot was stirring around some onions, green peppers, and celery.

  “Aunt Dorothy is teaching me how to make shrimp pie.” Dot continued to stir. The rest of the ingredients were waiting in the mixing bowl for the trinity of veggies. A buttered casserole dish was also ready to take the concoction to baked perfection.

  Aunt Dorothy smiled at Lizzie over the top of Dot’s head.” We have rice ready to start once we get this in the oven.”

  “Is Bennett upstairs?” Lizzie asked.

  “Daddy went out with Uncle Scott.” Sawyer tore himself away from his game to be part of the conversation.

  Lizzie raised up her eyebrows. She pulled her phone out and checked. No message . . . hmmm. Lizzie didn’t have to wonder long. Bennett strode into the kitchen and took off the baseball cap that was covering his head. A collective gasp arose from the rest of the family.

  Sawyer jumped up, “You’re bald! Cool . . . can I touch your head?”

  Bennett looked at Dot. She stared at him, but couldn’t say anything. “It’s okay Dot; it will grow back.”

  Dot looked back to the pot. “Aunt Dorothy, do you think it’s time to mix?”

  Aunt Dorothy gave Bennett an encouraging smile and rubbed her hand against Dot’s back. “Yes Dot, I believe it is. Sawyer, I am going to have you set the table while your parents go and relax in the living room.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Sawyer jumped into action.

  Bennett and Lizzie recognizing that they were dismissed, went to watch the news. “Darlin’, are you going to say anything?” Bennett nudged Lizzie with his shoulder.

  Lizzie turned and put both of her hands on the top of his smooth head and rubbed his scalp. “If I rub hard enough, will I get three wishes?”

  Bennett laughed, “I believe I have spent the better part of my life making your wishes come true.” He took her hands off his head and kissed them. “You are my wish come true.”

  Lizzie laughed and leaned into him, “Well, with talk like that, I might let you get away with a Mohawk.”

  Bennett rubbed his scalp, “You might, but my mother and Aunt Dorothy never would.”

  Lizzie got in the passenger seat of Amy’s car reluctantly. M.A. was already in the back. “I’m still not sure this the greatest idea.”

  M.A. leaned forward bringing her head between the driver and passenger seat. “Oh, it’s not only a great idea, it’s a necessity.” She sat back as Amy backed out of the driveway.

  Amy glanced over at Lizzie. “Scott is going to take Bennett for treatment this morning, and Faith is coming to help with the kids this afternoon. Besides, my brother said if I didn’t help give you a break he would finally tell our parents about the time I snuck Scott in through my bedroom window in high school.”

  Lizzie laughed. “Boy, he sure has gotten a lot of mileage out of that incident. Of course, I wouldn’t want to be there when your parents found out, even though you and Scott have been married for twenty-eight years.”

  They crossed downtown with the morning rush hour traffic and headed south out of Charleston on Highway 17. Amy and M.A. had planned a day trip to Savannah, with lunch, shopping, and plenty of lollygagging. As the miles flew by, Lizzie began to realize just how strung tight she was. She held her emotions so tight and deep; she almost couldn’t access them. Maybe a distraction would help to take me off autopilot and bring me back to myself. Lizzie closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of the seat. Then again, autopilot is what's keeping me from falling apart.

  M.A. leaned forward again. “Now that we are well on our way, I think it’s time we get this intervention started.” She produced a box of tissues and set them in Lizzie’s lap.

  “What are these for?” Lizzie fingered the tissue that was sticking out of the top of the box.

  Amy glanced over. “Oh my, this is more needed than I thought. Bennett tells me, you have been nothing but calm and cheerful for weeks.”

  Lizzie frowned. It was bewildering to think Bennett had been discussing her with his sister. “So? I’m supposed to be the rock of the family right now.”

  M.A. laid her hand on Lizzie’s shoulder. “Yes, my friend, and you have been the rock, so much so, your emotions are buried underneath and frankly
we are concerned what will happen when it all blows up.”

  Lizzie felt the veneer of her defenses begin to crack. Besides Bennett and Aunt Dorothy, M.A., and Amy were two people she could not hide her true feelings from for long. “I have worked so hard to keep my fears under wraps that I’m afraid I will lose control and be worthless to Bennett and the kids if I express them.” She looked from Amy to M.A., who wisely stayed silent. Lizzie sighed. “I can’t talk about my fears with Bennett; he has enough to deal with. I don’t want him trying to take care of me as well. I would talk to Aunt Dorothy, but I am relying on her for so much already. Plus, I need to prove to both her and Bennett I can be the strong one.”

  Amy put the left signal on to change lanes. “We already know you are strong, and I totally get your reasons for keeping your feelings from Bennett. But, it’s not healthy to keep it all bottled up and not deal with what is going on.”

  “That’s where we come in.” M.A. sat back again. “You’ve got to start letting it out, or you will explode at the wrong moment and then what kind of mess will you be in?”

  Lizzie felt the tears begin to flow and pulled a tissue out of the box. At first, they came as a trickle down her cheeks. Then her shoulders began to shake, and sobs wracked her whole body. M.A. sat forward again and gently rubbed Lizzie’s back. By the time the tears stopped, they had covered the last twenty miles of their approach into Savannah. Lizzie felt spent, but washed clean, like the air after a summer thunderstorm.

  She began to talk. She told them of the moment she had thought Bennett had died up in their bed and how his breathing had brought her back from the edge. She shared how seeing his head completely bald had made her think of him in a casket and how the doses of treatment were making him wither away before her eyes. By the time Amy pulled into a parking spot, Lizzie had gone from the worst of her fears to expressing the hope she was hanging on to. She talked about how Dr. Roberts was confident they were going to come through this fine and how well they had been managing three weeks into this eight-week process.