The Wizards on Walnut Street

by Sam Swicegood

  I let out my breath, and it felt like I had been holding it for hours. I watched as Todd returned to the stage and his human form and stood before the arbiter of the fight. Michaels, it appeared, had summoned a rocking chair and was patiently knitting. “It is done,” he said softly, but the words still resounded in the stillness of the arena.

  Michaels stood up and approached the microphone. “As arbiter of this challenge, I declare—”

  “Wait!” Apollo ran over to the edge of the stage and all eyes turned on him. “Can you call off our silencers first? As soon as the challenge is over…we totally escaped the office against your orders and they’re going to kill us…”

  Todd waved a claw. “Right, right…of course.”

  Michaels bristled somewhat but recovered from the interruption. “As I was saying, I declare—”

  “So who owns the coin now?” Killian asked, perhaps a little too loudly, and she shrunk back as she realized her mistake. “Um…I’ll worry about that in a minute…sorry…”

  Michaels gave Killian a glare so strong I was afraid the redhead might burst into flames. Clearing her throat, she looked around the room as if to threaten anyone who might dare interrupt her one more time. “I said, I declare the winner of the challenge to be Todd, the Most Venerable Dragon of Cincinnati.”

  I am not sure what I expected; from cheers to a swelling of heroic background music, to a sudden freeze-frame followed by the ending credits, but I certainly did not expect a chorus of soft golf claps from the dragons on the stage. I glanced at Killian. “Is that it?”

  She shrugged. “Dragons are weird.”

  Chapter 23

  “Just so we’re clear,” I asked, “You wouldn’t have killed me either way, right?”

  The Moddey Dhoo shrugged, the pads of its paws making tiny squeaky sounds on the floor. “Maybe I woulda. Maybe I wouldn’t’a.”

  I patted my bag. “Are you sure? Because if you wouldn’t’a, then I think I have a chunk of rawhide in here for you…” The Moddey Dhoo shot me a sidelong glare, but I could see the sides of its mouth salivate.

  “Oh hush,” Killian said, punching the elevator button as we got onboard, and as the doors closed she leaned back against the elevator wall. “I’m going to be really happy once we’ve got this over with. And a Silencer escort…ugh.” She glanced at the Moddey Dhoo. “No offense. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

  “None taken,” it replied gruffly, nosing in my bag.

  I reached into my pocket, pulling the silver coin out and running over the details with my thumb. “So weird that all of our problems were caused by something as stupid as a piece of old silver.”

  “What’s that they say about big things?”

  The doors of the elevator opened at the lowest sub-level of the building, and ahead of us a short hallway ended in a single beige door. Killian walked up and knocked on it, and a moment later a deep voice responded from the other side. “Who comes here?” it croaked.

  “I am Killian Fletcher, the Vaultkeeper!” she announced with pride.

  The voice sounded uninterested. “What are you here to do?”

  “To deposit a valuable into the vault.”

  The door clicked and opened slightly. Killian reached out and threw the door wide, revealing nothing but blackness on the other side. A rush of cold air washed over me and made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end. Cautiously, I poked my head in, but the whole room seemed to be completely swallowed in blackness. “What—?”

  “Explanations later,” Killian insisted. “Drop it in.”

  I took a breath and flicked the coin into the darkness. “Here you go.”

  The door slammed shut and the voice on the other side let out a sigh. “Have a nice…day.”

  We turned to go back on the elevator, the Moddey Dhoo having disappeared along with, I suspected, the rawhide from my bag. “If I haven’t said it, by the way,” I said, hitting the button for the lobby, “Congratulations on the promotion. I didn’t think you’d really want to get into taking the job after all that happened.”

  “It comes with perks,” she replied, “And besides, the Wizards didn’t want to have one of their own be the Vaultkeeper anymore, which honestly makes sense. Giving the job to security means that you don’t end up with one person having too much access to everything.”

  50 Thousand had indeed gone under some significant changes. There had been a huge change of leadership at the top, along with a massive exodus of all the employees who had not been able to excuse their connection to the Black Magisters. Killian had come out much luckier than most, perhaps with the help of a certain silver coin of which she had taken temporary possession while the Dragon’s office conducted its investigation.

  “Makes sense.” I looked down at my feet.

  We stayed in a bit of an awkward silence as the elevator continued to rise. Since the Symposium, Killian and I had been friendly again, but there were still some lingering feelings of hurt that were taking a long time to go away. It wasn’t necessarily bad—it was just taking some time to get over and we both had a mutual understanding of that fact.

  The elevator doors opened, where Apollo was waiting for us. “Hey hey, what are we doing? We’ve got a whole weekend to kill, plus I just signed off on a whole week of vacation.”

  “Is Agatha still mad at you for setting all the high-society Vulnerabl on her without notice?”

  “Eh, a little. She needs to learn to socialize. So, what about us? What’s the plan?”

  “Not sure.” Killian said, taking out her phone. “I think we’re all done here, I just have to clock out on my app…”

  Apollo eyed me curiously. “I heard they offered you your job back. Some kind of fast-track to Wizard, right?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, but if I’m honest, I was a garbage employee. And Killian’s the one who told me that somebody who’s good at hedging can make a decent living, right?”

  Killian put her phone away. “I suppose so. And Cincinnati’s got enough issue that could use a clever hedge mage to shake things up. Keep doing what you’re doing, and you might make a name for yourself.”

  I balked at her as we headed out toward the street. “What do you mean? I saved the whole city from being taken over by an evil dragon!”

  She shrugged in response. “Yeah, yeah, that’s a start. People don’t get famous overnight for killing one big bad guy, you know.”

  I rolled my eyes and sighed, stepping out into the sunlight. “Well, let’s go get something to eat. And no chili-spaghetti,” I added to Apollo, who put his hands up in defeat immediately.

  “OK, fine. Maybe I can introduce you to goetta…” We started off as a brisk pace, with Apollo naming local places that served breakfast foods.

  “If you’re going to be a Hedge Magician,” Killian said as we stopped for the crossing light, “We’re going to need to get you some extra equipment. Maybe a weapon. And,” she added with a stern glare, “We need to get you in the habit of staying out of trouble.”

  “Yeah, right,” I replied, and as the light changed I led the way down Walnut Street.

  Epilogue

  Codwell tapped his hoof impatiently, his fluffy ears twitching. “I really hope Andy gets back here, I have a lot of deliveries to go out. Yes I do, yes I do, yes I do.”

  ~

  Acknowledgements

  This book began as a National Novel Writing Month project in 2017. It took a lot of planning and the first 50 thousand words were finished by the end of the year. The first draft was completed in January of 2018.

  I would like to thank my friends and family, my brothers, and all my fans who supported me and cared enough to encourage my madness.

  I want express my deep appreciation for the teachers who encouraged me to be creative, including Moeller, Bounelis, Berard, Brenton, and Palmer.

  I would like to thank the Children’s Dyslexia Centers of Cincinnati and the Scottish Rite Valley of Cincinnati for the hard work they do.

  I want
to thank the Fanbuilt Studios community, and especially Lee Tockar, for years of support in my creativity.

  I would also like to thank two writers who are far more amazing than I am: M. A. Larson, who taught me that being a writer can be ridiculously awesome, and R. A. Salvatore, who reminded me that “Writing is Life.”

  About the Author

  Sam Swicegood is a native of the Baltimore area now living in Cincinnati, Ohio. He is the son of two US Army veterans who bonded over shared nerdy obsessions.

  His prior works include science fiction RPG Cold Start and a collection of IT short stories called The Worst End User. He has been a freelance writer for over a decade, and founded Elsewhere Media in 2014.

  He is an active member of Ohio Free and Accepted Masons, N. C. Harmony Lodge No. 2. He is a community activist, avid podcaster, internet dweeb, and redditor. His hobbies include running D&D games, complaining about Ohio weather, accidentally finding new ways to trigger his own anxiety attacks, and being a general nuisance.

  “Expect nothing. Everything else is a sweet surprise.”

  —Lee Tockar

  * * *

  [1] “Potential employees who have silver as part of a medical bone prosthesis, orthopedic reconstructive surgery, or cardiac device should inform the recruiter ahead of time. Potential employees who imbibe colloidal silver as part of a homeopathic remedy should stay home and rethink their lives.” - 50 Thousand recruitment interview letter, Page 2

  [2] “At 50 Thousand Consulting, we recognize the important role coffee plays in most of your daily lives. With that in mind, we highly encourage you to take advantage of our Caffeine Assistance Program, which is a company-funded spend account usable at any of the many coffee shops in Cincinnati. Furthermore, we should iterate that coffee is very important, and anyone attempting to deliberately prevent an employee from obtaining it should expect to receive disciplinary action. This is especially true for the hard-working Human Resources employees, such as the one who wrote this. You hear me, Carol? If I haven’t gotten my coffee yet, then leave me the hell alone. And if you do it again, I will pull you into my office and fire you myself and when you sob and ask why, I will point at THIS paragraph and laugh in your stupid face, okay Carol? DON’T SCREW WITH ME, CAROL.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, page 130

  [3] “Q: Why is travel to Chicago prohibited by employees of 50 Thousand Consulting? A: It is a matter of record that Chicago had Society governance under a Dragon until 1871, when the Dragon of Chicago became quite intoxicated and started a massive fire commonly known as the “Great Chicago Fire” while sleeping in the barn of local Irish immigrant Catherine O’Leary. The fire, and the following attempt to cover it up by the aforementioned Dragon, led the Dracontos society to remove the dragon from the city and brand Chicago as a city where magic does not live. Go Bears.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 530 (Travel FAQs)

  [4] “The 50 Thousand Employee Handbook is the culmination of many studies of corporate culture, countless focus groups, committee meetings, emails, committee meetings that could have been emails, emails that would have been avoided if people read their emails, conflicts that should have been passive-aggressive emails, committee meetings that were canceled in lieu of passive-aggressive emails, and third-party business consultant reports whose suggestions were ignored.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 17 (History of the 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Part 1)

  [5] “If you find yourself caught in a conflict between your own thoughts and feelings and those of the company policies, please take a moment to breathe and remember who signs your paychecks.” – 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 2 (Introduction)

  [6] “The 1943 Edition by Yung was considered the definitive edition until 1977, when a competitor released Magic: An Annotated History by Nigel Backhorn. The new book was wildly successful due to both its readability and comparatively low price. As a result, in 1983 Yung struck a deal with a Djinn to travel back to 1943 and rewrite his book. Yung succeeded in arriving in 1943 but changed his mind and instead courted Backhorn’s mother before his father would have the chance. Since then, no competitors have put out other major versions of the Cryptic history for fear of Yung suddenly becoming their new father. A Brief History remains as dry as ever.” 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 895 (Additional and Suggested Reading)

  [7] “Corporate policy mandates that any sorcerous fire that cannot be put out by normal fire-extinguishing means be documented and filed with the Audit department for review. If said fire happens to currently be on you or someone else’s person, then it is suggested this paperwork be completed with all haste.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 172

  [8] “Avoiding death or serious injury in the workplace is everyone’s responsibility. Especially your own! The best and most efficient way to avoid death or dismemberment while on the time clock is to make sure you clock out promptly before being dismembered or killed. “ - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 57

  [9] “50 Thousand Consulting is often known to have ‘fun’ and ‘interesting’ company events, such as Seventies Week and various holiday celebrations. It is worth noting that the formerly annual ‘Take your Pet to Work day’ was cancelled permanently a few years ago due to wide misunderstandings regarding what constitutes a ‘pet’. At this time, pets of any kind are not allowed on company premises, no matter how cute they are, or how much they beg, or how much you swear they are really a dog and not your neighbor in a dog suit under an enchantment. Looking at you, Brian.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, page 312

  [10] “Do what they say or The Dragon will eat you.” The rest of the pamphlet is blank.

  [11] “50 Thousand, like many corporate firms, employs electronic device policies when in the workplace. Occasional and incidental use is permitted so long as it does not interfere with work. Furthermore, use of any company-provided PCs to do online shopping, blogging, social media-ing, or other things ending in -ing besides ‘working’, will cause your supervisors to hassle you to no end despite the fact that they, too, are answering some quiz about which Beverly Hills Cop character they are or sharing a meme about their favorite TV show. Why are you people so easily distracted? What is wrong with you? Why can’t I understand kids these days? Why am I so out of touch? No, don’t write that, Carol.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, page 584

  [12] “50 Thousand offers many products that can stop the effects of enchantments, hexes, vexes, jinxes, and curses. 50 Thousand does not offer mind-altering substances (such as love potions), magical weapon enhancements, quest advice, lost items found, portals to fictional universes, resurrections, waistline alterations, timeline alterations, hairline alterations, or continuations of your favorite TV show that was canceled. Private party entertainment is considered on a case-by-case basis.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 119 (Services)

  [13] “50 Thousand Consulting provides excellent carrying bags, folders, and other travel-friendly accoutrements for your copy of the 50 Thousand Employee Handbook. Employees found to be abusing, misusing, or vandalizing a copy of the Handbook may be faced with severe disciplinary action up to and including Termination. And you know what? Maybe more than termination. Maybe you might have charges pressed against you. Or, like, maybe you’ll just get set on fire. Do you want that? Huh?” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 611 (Caring for your 50 Thousand Employee Handbook)

  [14] “Before marking an email as urgent, ask yourself three important questions: If it turns out to not be as urgent as I think it is, do I feel secure in my job? Is there a more efficient way of relaying the information? If I received this email wrapped around a brick and lobbed through my office window, would I still thank the person who threw the brick for informing me of such important information? The answers to these questions should guide you as to whether or not an email is really urgent or not.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 840 (Email etiquette)

  [15] “Associates who inadvertently raise the ire of the Dragon of Cincinnati are immediate
ly considered withdrawn from, and become ineligible for, the company’s Term Life Insurance plan. If you’re not sure if you raised the ire of the Dragon, then you probably did. Sorry, bud.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 608 (Insurance Benefits)

  [16] “It is worth noting that setting an employee on fire with magic is not an appropriate response to insubordination in most cases.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 1034 (Conflict Resolution)

  [17] “If, during work, you stumble upon a conspiracy or other highly dangerous internal matter, it is advised that you seek out the Security office for an internal investigation to be started. Under no circumstances should you attempt to investigate it yourself, have an anxiety attack, or break down into a sobbing mass in the security office.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 678 (Internal security).

  [18] “The 50 Thousand Employee Handbook is the guide to the best career of your life! This guide is helpful, inclusive, and definitely doesn’t understand your current situation at all times. That would just be absurd, Andy. Get back to work.” - 50 Thousand Employee Handbook, Page 309 (Learning to love your 50 Thousand Employee Handbook)

  [19] “The original 50 Thousand Drachmas were given to sorcerers in the employ of Charax Macarius in return for protection enchantments places upon a traveling merchant’s fleet of caravans which the merchant believed were cursed since very few ever reached their destinations. The protection spells were effective enough to keep all of the caravans safe, and the traveling merchant shared his success story with the towns he came across.” Page 101, (History of 50 Thousand Consulting)