Because of Her

by KE Payne

  But they were promises that never materialized.

  Eden’s canteen time was repeatedly hijacked by either Gabby or Beth, or more often than not, both of them. Exasperating, sure, but my poor, loved-up brain kept telling me that our fleeting encounters were better than nothing. The knowing looks passed between us had to be enough to keep me going until the next time we could be alone.

  That finally happened a few days later. A text from her telling me she was on her way to the canteen—alone—and wanted to buy me a coffee was enough to make me leave the library in a clatter of pens and hastily shut books. That, plus a burbled apology to Libby, who shrugged in understanding, telling me to “get my arse down there before the two wicked witches turn up and whisk her off.”

  Everyone should have a Libby in her life.

  Eden was waiting for me by the time I made it down there. She was sitting in the middle of the canteen, away from her usual spot by the window. Her eyes frequently swept towards the door, her fingers fiddling idly with what looked like a plastic spoon. The captivating smile on her face when she, at last, saw me as I picked my way around the tables towards her was worth all the two-word texts and brief glances I’d had to endure over the past few days.

  Her eyes never left me as I sat down opposite her, drawing me in to her, like they always did. “I got you coffee already,” she said. “I hope that was okay?”

  “Perfect.” I was still enveloped by her eyes.

  “I hope I didn’t haul you away from something important.” She tore her gaze from mine and looked down at the plastic spoon, still in her hands. “I just wanted to see you.”

  “Nothing would have stopped me.” I poured a packet of sugar into my coffee and stirred it, then looked around me. “Where are the Terrible Twins?”

  “Beth has a rehearsal for the school musical,” Eden said. “Gabby went along to tell her how good she is.”

  “You didn’t feel like going, too?” I asked.

  Eden shook her head. “They asked me, but I figured it would be the perfect chance to have you all to myself for a bit.”

  “Smooth.” I caught her eye again, making her blush adorably. “I was thinking,” I said, picking up my coffee cup. “Fancy coming over to mine tomorrow night?”

  “Will it be a Meet The Parents Officially Now That You Are Out evening?” Eden asked. Her face clouded with anxiety.

  “Relax.” I sipped at my coffee. “My parents are never in these days. Civic bash in Kensington tonight, Black tie do up in north London tomorrow, and dinner with some MP on Saturday,” I said. “This is what happens when you’re a bigwig in the City. You have to network.” My eyes went heavenwards. “So I was thinking DVD, takeout, and then, uh, make out.” I looked at her over the rim of my mug, one eyebrow arched impishly.

  “Now, that sounds like a plan,” Eden said, draining the rest of her coffee. She glanced around her. “My parents are springing a surprise party for my eighteenth next Saturday,” she eventually said. “Did I already tell you?”

  “Hardly a surprise if you know about it now, is it?” I leant my head to one side.

  Eden grinned. “You know what I mean.” She licked her spoon. “It’s not really my thing, but, well, I don’t want to disappoint them.” She looked across to me. “Will you come? You can bring Libby if you want?”

  “And Greg?” I asked. “Gabby and Beth will love that. All three of us there to wind them up.”

  “The more the better,” Eden said. “Then they won’t ask me why I’ve invited you.” She stopped herself. “I mean—”

  “I know what you mean.”

  I smiled.

  It was forced.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Does this mean I have to buy you a present now?” Change the subject. “Even though your birthday’s not for another nine days?”

  “Of course!” Eden leant back in her chair, her eyes playful. Grateful I wasn’t dwelling on her last comment, I guessed. “The bigger the better.”

  “So, how about I take you into town after school tomorrow?” I said, dipping my head to catch her eye. “And we go present shopping, then pick up something to eat back at my place?”

  “Sounds perfect,” Eden said.

  “Like you,” I said.

  She saw me still looking at her. “What?” she laughed.

  “Nothing,” I said. “Just that I think you’re awesome.”

  “I think you’re awesome, too,” she said, her hand straying towards mine before she checked herself and drew it back.

  “I want to tell you something, but promise you won’t run a mile, okay?” I said.

  “Okay,” she said. There was uncertainty in her voice.

  I hurtled on anyway.

  “You promise?” I asked.

  “I can’t promise if I don’t know what it is.”

  “Then I shan’t tell you,” I said, drinking my coffee.

  “All right already,” Eden said with mock exasperation. “I promise.”

  “I think…”

  “That?”

  “That having to make do with chance meetings in the corridor, and not knowing when or if I’m going to see you on your own from one day to the next,” I said, “makes me want you all the more.” Too much dithering. There was more I wanted to say, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it.

  “I want you, too.” She leant back. “You know that.”

  Ah well. What the fuck.

  “And,” I began.

  Just do it.

  “I think,” I continued, “that I might…possibly be in love with you.” I rattled it out before I had the chance to change my mind.

  Eden didn’t speak. Instead she dropped her plastic spoon into her empty coffee mug and shuffled in her chair. She didn’t say anything.

  Ever wanted to press Ctrl+Z in real life?

  I so wanted to undo what I’d just said.

  “I also think,” I said, pushing my now-empty coffee mug away from me, “I just said the wrong thing.”

  Eden shook her head. “You didn’t.”

  My heart started beating faster. “Do you love me?” I looked at her hopefully.

  Eden thought for a moment. Opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. “What I feel for you can’t be labelled with just one word,” she finally said.

  Ouch.

  “It might be one word, but it’s a nice word,” I said, hurt. “People like to hear it. I like to hear it.”

  The fire door to the patio outside suddenly swung open, bringing with it a blast of cold winter air. Eden shivered, running her hands up and down her arms.

  Talk about timing.

  “Are you cold?” I asked, worried.

  “Frozen,” she replied. “Have been all day.” She looked down at her thin long-sleeved top and pulled a face.

  “Here.” I unzipped my hoodie and handed it to her across the table.

  “Now you’ll be cold,” Eden said, taking it from me.

  “I’ll live,” I said. “Keep it until tomorrow if you want.”

  “Thanks.” She put my hoodie on, zipped it up, and tucked her hands deep into the pockets in an attempt to warm up.

  She looked lovely wearing my top. Just seeing her sitting huddled in it, her hands in my pockets, made me love her more. If that were even possible. I knew by the time she gave it back to me, it would smell of her and of her perfume—a reminder of her whenever I wore it again.

  Our awkward conversation about love appeared to be over, thanks to the unwanted interruption. To be honest, I was grateful for the distraction. I didn’t want to think too hard about her inability to reciprocate after I’d told her I loved her.

  “Want another?” I gestured towards her empty mug when it was clear she wasn’t going to say anything more about the inadequacy of the word love. I held out my hand. “Back in a minute.” I got up and left her and joined the short queue of people already waiting.

  I ordered us another coffee each, picking up a chocolate bar that I knew Eden liked
. Using my last five-pound note, I paid for them, groaning to myself because I knew I’d have to tap Dad for some more money when he’d already given me my week’s allowance. That would take some explaining. Then, of course, I’d get the usual lecture about must try harder to spin your money out, Tabitha, which I’d ignore but point out that he and my mother liked to buy at least three bottles of wine a week. And not the cheap plonk, either.

  I made my way back over to our table, swerving my hips around a table full of giggling girls. They were busy poring over a magazine cover showing some guy with his top off, and fussing like a bunch of ten-year-olds.

  When I got back to the table, Eden’s chair was empty. My hoodie was hanging untidily over the back of it, so I figured she’d gone to the loo while I was in the queue, and I just hadn’t seen her. I placed her coffee and chocolate bar over on her side of the table, opened a packet of sugar for mine, and sat down.

  That’s when I saw them.

  Eden, Gabby, and Beth were sitting in their usual seats over in the far corner of the canteen, by the window. Watching Eden laughing and joking with them, when two minutes before, she’d been sitting with me while I blurted out that I loved her, made me feel sick, like I’d been winded. I looked back to my hoodie that she’d just been wearing, flung over the back of her chair. As I watched, it slithered off, landing in a crumpled heap on the floor. My stomach curdled.

  I stared at her, willing her to look my way so she could see the look on my face. I wanted her to see the tears welling up, the hurt, and the anger. It was so obvious what had happened. Beth and Gabby had arrived in the canteen unexpectedly, and Eden had gone straight over to them, thrusting my hoodie aside like an unwanted rag as fast as she could.

  I mean, heaven forbid Gabby or Beth should see her wearing my top.

  I kept staring at Eden, but she didn’t look my way once. Finally, after what seemed like forever, I picked up my bag and hoodie, leaving behind our coffees and Eden’s chocolate bar, and hurried from the canteen.

  I didn’t look back. I knew, even then, that she wouldn’t have seen me leave.

  Chapter Forty

  I’m sorry.

  That was all her text had said. Nothing else.

  No apologies for leaving me looking like an idiot in the canteen. No sense of guilt for discarding my hoodie without a thought on the back of her chair, and no remorse for bruising my feelings.

  I texted her back, telling her I’d been beyond hurt at coming back to find her gone. I said the fact she’d abandoned me the second Gabby and Beth had come in told me she really didn’t care for me as much as I cared for her. Stupidly, perhaps, I told her I understood why she’d done it, but stressed that the way she’d done it had devastated me more than she’d ever know.

  She didn’t reply.

  Instead, I had to endure an evening wondering whether she’d gotten my text and whether to text her again, just in case she hadn’t. I was afraid, though. Afraid if I pushed it too much, knowing how fragile Eden felt about the whole me-and-her thing, she’d say she couldn’t cope with me being so needy and clingy and call it a day.

  It was a risk I couldn’t take.

  I knew I had to speak to her at school the next day. She was coming to my house that evening, and I wanted to clear the air before she came. If I didn’t, I knew we’d spend the evening analysing every little detail of our relationship thus far, and I didn’t want that.

  Sometimes things happen in life that conspire to make you question everything about yourself, every little detail, and leave you in a messed up bundle on the floor, cast aside, unwanted…like my hoodie.

  Chapter Forty-one

  “Show Eden what was on the noticeboard this morning,” Gabby said. She looped her arm round Eden’s. “New bar opening up by the King’s Road. It’s going to be epic there tonight.”

  “Michelangelo are playing, and it’s half-price drinks until nine p.m.” Beth delved into her bag and pulled out a flyer. “We’d be crazy to miss it.”

  We were waiting outside the lab for our lesson.

  Me with Greg and Libby, Eden with Gabby and Beth just in front of us.

  Always the same scenario.

  I was still seething over Eden, both because of my hoodie and the fact she hadn’t replied to my text. I mean, what the fuck did she think she was playing at? I wanted her to see I was furious with her. I wanted her to know she couldn’t keep treating me the way she had been. I wanted her to know it hurt me so much because I loved her.

  If only it were that easy, though.

  Eden was right in the midst of her little clique, the cloak of Gabby and Beth surrounding her, making it impossible for me to infiltrate it, let alone even try and catch her attention. Instead, I had to wait, frustrated, as the three of them messed around outside the lab door, Eden looking as if she didn’t have a worry in the world.

  Unlike me.

  “You up for it, Eden?” Gabby teasingly punched Eden on her arm. “Few drinks? Bit of dancing?”

  Eden’s demeanour changed in a flash.

  “I can’t.” She wavered. At last she looked my way. “I’ve got to go out tonight. Get something sorted.” She bowed her head. “Last-minute thing.”

  “Again?” Gabby asked. “That’s your third last-minute thing in as many weeks.”

  “It was bad enough when you had to leave Marcus because of an emergency the other week,” Beth said. She crossed her arms across her chest.

  “Yes. Again.” Eden’s jaw tightened. “Sorry.”

  “Why is she apologizing to her?” Libby leant over and whispered in my ear.

  “It’s what Eden feels compelled to do with those two, I think,” I whispered back. “Apologize for having a life that doesn’t involve either of them.”

  “And your plans are more important than coming out and getting wasted on half-price drinks with me and her?” Beth flicked her head towards Gabby and grinned.

  “Cancel tonight.” Gabby snatched the flyer from Beth’s hand and waggled it in Eden’s face. “Come with us instead. You’ll have way more fun, betcha.”

  Eden looked to me again, her face a mixture of frustration and anxiety. She swallowed hard. “I can’t,” she finally said. “It’s all planned. Besides, I’ve got something I really need to get sorted.”

  “Un-plan it.” Beth’s raucous voice practically bounced off the corridor walls. “Who are you going out with that’s so important anyway? And what do you need to get sorted?”

  “No one.” Eden stared at the ground. “And nothing.”

  “A boy?” Gabby flicked a sly look at Beth, then back to Eden.

  “Not Marcus, that’s for sure,” Beth said. “Like he’s ever going to bother—”

  “Not a boy,” Eden snapped, interrupting her. “Why does it always have to be a boy?”

  I’d heard enough.

  “She’s seeing me.” I stepped forward. I was angry, frustrated, and infuriated at the way they were pushing Eden. “Problem?” I asked. I stood firm.

  “You?” Beth asked.

  “Me,” I confirmed. “We’re spending the evening chilling at mine. Again, problem?”

  I looked at Eden. Her eyes were ablaze, but with anger rather than embarrassment.

  Gabby slotted her arm through Eden’s again and pulled her to her.

  “Her?” Gabby’s brows pinched. “Since when did you two become best buddies?”

  “We chat after philosophy sometimes,” Eden replied.

  Chat?

  “And we hang out sometimes,” Eden continued. She still looked angry.

  “Hanging out with the gay girl, huh?” Gabby slithered. “Don’t you know it’s catching? Next thing you know, you’ll be cutting your hair short, Eden.”

  “Like Tabby’s.” Beth. She had to pipe in too, didn’t she? “But being a lesbian is very fashionable these days, apparently.”

  “I think I’d rather not be a trendsetter on that one, if it’s all the same to you.” Gabby smirked.

  I was incandes
cent. My breathing became shallow.

  “People will talk, you know,” Gabby continued. She pulled Eden to her again, and she stumbled slightly. Hadn’t she said enough already? Apparently not. “Lezzy Palmer. That’s what they’ll call you.”

  “We just hang out sometimes…” Eden’s protestations were drowned out by Beth.

  “I’ve seen the way she looks at me.” Beth looked me up and down. “You don’t want her to do the same to you, do you?”

  “It’s disgusting.” Gabby glared at me, her arm still restricting Eden. “Next thing you know, she’ll be dragging you behind the bike sheds.” More laughter. Louder this time. People were looking at us.

  How freaking insensitive was this pair?

  “Do you have any idea how dumb you both sound?” Libby shouldered her way past the others in the queue. She stood face-to-face with Gabby. “And you’re sounding positively homophobic again there, Gabby. I’d watch it if I were you.”

  “Homophobic?” Gabby scoffed. “Me? I don’t have a problem with lesbians, Libby. We watched every season of The L Word. Didn’t we, Beth?”

  “We did,” Beth looked mischievously back at Gabby. “Didn’t you have a total girl-crush on one of them for a while?” I watched, dumbstruck, as Gabby dissolved into a fit of laughter, and felt Greg’s hand on my arm, dragging me back away from them all.

  “You know what?” Eden’s voice splintered through Gabby’s laughter.

  At last.

  “You’re right,” she continued. “I’d be mad to pass up the chance of seeing Michelangelo tonight. We were only going over some philosophy notes. It can wait.”

  Gabby stopped laughing. “So you’re in?”

  “I’m in.” Eden turned her back on me and faced the door of the lab. She stepped back as the door suddenly opened, and the previous class began piling out.

  “And your hot date with Tabby?” Beth nudged her. She pulled her head back as Eden swung around on her.