by Kiera Cass
I scanned the head table several times, thinking maybe she was sitting somewhere new and I’d missed it. Then I searched the room, hoping she was out making rounds. Neither was true.
“Where is she?” Etan whispered. “Do you suppose Quinten got ahold of the note?”
My eyes went to the king, but he wasn’t watching us. He was talking across his son to his new soon-to-be daughter-in-law.
“I don’t think so. If he did, it was vague and unsigned, so we should be free from danger. I don’t know where Valentina might be, though. . . .”
“I apologize,” he said quietly. “For misjudging her. I had no idea she was in such an impossible situation.”
“How could you have? He keeps her isolated, and she puts on a good face. I think she fears for her life if anyone guesses how unhappy they are.”
Etan sighed. “So, she doesn’t care for him? At all?”
I shook my head. “I think she fell into the likes of girls who see the crown far clearer than they ever see the man. I can’t blame her.”
My eyes stayed focused on the room, but I could feel Etan studying me, perhaps wondering where I fell in that description. I thought I’d seen it all clearly at the time, but I couldn’t say for sure now. For as much as I missed it, I wondered if it was best if I stopped looking back at Keresken altogether.
“Etan! There you are!” A girl with a sharp nose and high cheekbones approached, dragging another girl behind her. “Have you met my cousin, Valayah? This is her first trip to court, and she was positively thrilled by your performance today.”
“Who wasn’t?” Etan joked, standing to talk with them.
I rolled my eyes, but no one was looking. I searched the room again; still no Valentina.
“We do hope you’ll be spending more time at court,” Valayah gushed. “Raisa and I are counting on it.”
Almost as if on cue, another young lady popped up over Raisa’s shoulder, batting her lashes at Etan. “Are we making sure dear Etan stays at the castle this time? I have to say, it simply hasn’t been the same without you.”
Where were these ladies yesterday? Where were they before the whispers started and the lances fell? I supposed it didn’t matter.
For all his protests, if Etan loved his family at all, he’d get married eventually for the sake of keeping the name. Even if we never proved anything against Quinten, upholding just a single line of the family would be a small victory. And if he was going to do that with anyone, it would need to be an Isolten girl. She’d have to have blood that went back as far as his, and she’d have to be unwavering. And pretty. And intelligent. And able to keep him in line, because goodness knows what would happen to us all if she couldn’t.
Two more ladies showed up, and neither of them was Valentina. It was suddenly far too hot in the Great Room. I wordlessly stood and made my way to the hall.
The main entryway of the castle led four ways. First, to the Great Room. Second, to a large stairwell to the rooms where the king and the permanent members of court resided. Third, to the other rooms for guests, such as ourselves. And fourth, to the pathway outside.
The same gravel path lined with large circular posts awaited me with the cool night air. King Quinten must have felt very safe tonight. The only guards I could see were right by the front gates. None walking the grounds, none here watching the entry. It was, in the midst of so much chaos, quite peaceful.
I stood there, arms across my chest, thinking things I wasn’t prepared to, asking questions I had no answer for, until a familiar voice brought me back.
“Hollis?”
I turned to see Etan bounding outside, his expression concerned. I eased his worries quickly.
“Well, if it isn’t Lord Jouster Supreme, Defeater of Old Men, Master of Large Sticks. To what do I owe the honor?”
Etan rolled his eyes, relaxing. “Ha ha. I noticed you were gone and assumed you might need someone to guide you to an appropriate place to vomit. I’m merely here to help.”
I smiled. “Lucky for you, I’m just fine. It was a little too warm is all. You may return to your adoring crowds, if you wish.”
He made an exhausted face, stepping closer. “That has to be the most extended vapid giggling I’ve heard in all my life. It’s still ringing in my ears.”
“Oh, come now. I’ve never known a man who didn’t enjoy being the center of attention. Even for all his humility, Silas flourished when he found himself in the middle of everything.”
Etan tilted his head, allowing that. “Silas and I are different men.”
I nodded. “I’ve noticed.”
He looked down at me, eyes focused as if he was trying to ask me something without a single word. His intent gaze was too much for me, and I glanced away, smiling.
“Next time you’ll have to do something ridiculous, like drop your lance or ride in circles. They’ll leave you alone after that.”
He stood there quietly for a moment before tucking his hands behind his back and smiling himself. “I’m afraid that’s quite impossible. I’m far too talented, as you can see. I couldn’t be foolish if I tried.”
I rolled my eyes. “Speaking of looking foolish, I didn’t get to thank you. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was feeling a bit awkward before you took my favor. I know comforting me wasn’t exactly your goal, but you included me in the day, and I appreciate that.”
He gave me a playful shrug. “The least I could do for the girl who threw up into the king’s vases. Which some people may have heard about, and I cannot imagine who started such a rumor.”
I chuckled, jokingly pushing his arm. “You don’t have to keep that handkerchief, by the way. I can take it back.”
“Oh.” He looked at the ground, then back to me. “I’m afraid I managed to lose it on the field somewhere. Sorry.”
I shook my head. “It’s all right. I still have two or three from Coroa, the ones with the gold on them.” I turned at the sound of laughter echoing down the hallway. I watched as three sets of couples wandered from the Great Room, moving their celebration away from the crowd.
“Are you going to head back in there?” I asked. “I’d wager half the free women in that room are waiting for you.”
He shook his head, looking away. “I already told you how I feel about that.”
“It’s not so bad. The whole hour I was married was wonderful,” I said, smiling longingly.
“How can you do that?” he asked. “How can you look back on something so heartbreaking with a smile?”
“Because . . .” I shrugged. “Even with all the bad, Silas rescued me. I’ll never regret that.”
“But rescued you for what? You’re stuck in a foreign country with a pieced-together family”—he lowered his voice—“who may be in the middle of losing their lives over a battle that might be impossible to win.”
“It’s not what he saved me for . . . it’s what he saved me from.”
He watched as a dozen emotions danced across my face, reminding me of just how perilous it had all been.
“Etan, I was so close to being queen. Jameson was teaching me protocol at every turn, and people came to petition me for favors, and I was going to be the mother of the next heir of Coroa. He was going to make me into Valentina,” I said, pointing at the castle, eyes stinging as I thought of that possibility being my life. “I don’t know how long it would have taken, but I would have become a shell,” I sobbed. “I didn’t even know I wasn’t in love with Jameson until Silas showed up and took me exactly as I was.”
“A terrible dresser with no tact who cries too much?”
I laughed through my tears. “Yes!” I patted at my eyes and nose. “I never had to pretend I was anything but myself with him. With Jameson I felt like every second of my life had to be still and perfect, like someone was painting our portrait. With Silas, things were messy . . . but they were good. I really miss him.”
“I do, too. Sullivan and Saul, too. My sisters. The friends I lost at the front. I miss them every
day. You can miss people and keep living. Sometimes, you have to.”
I nodded, reaching up for just a second to touch the rings hanging around my neck. “I told him I would. It feels strange sometimes, though, to do anything without him. I hope he’d still be proud of me. And I hope we win, because I don’t know what will happen to me if we don’t.”
“You mean, besides the obvious possibility of death?”
I laughed. “Yes! Because if I go back to Coroa, there’s a fate worse than death waiting for me.”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed. I guessed he should know about it all now. “I’ll have to go back to the castle. Jameson summoned me, and I turned him down to come here. It’s hard to explain, because I love Coroa, and I love Keresken, but if I go back . . . I’m afraid he’ll completely drop Delia Grace. After those rumors we heard at the border, I can’t ignore that possibility. If he is doing that to her, which I sincerely hope he isn’t, then I’m terrified he’ll let her go for me. And, I don’t want to be a disloyal subject, but I also don’t want to be his betrothed. Not again. I’m afraid being at that castle means being his, and I can’t . . . I can’t . . .”
The tears came again. It felt like a race. If he’d just hurry up and marry Delia Grace, then maybe I’d be fine. But I didn’t want his attention or his crown or any of it.
“Hollis, everything will be all right.”
“It won’t,” I promised. “I know you didn’t believe me, but I don’t want Jameson. At all!”
He frowned at me. “Why can you talk poorly about him or Coroa, but when I do it, you get so upset?”
I raised my arms and dropped them. “Because Coroa is mine! It’s mine, so I’m allowed to talk about how horrible the laws are or my king is. When you do it, it stings because that was my home, and it’s a part of me, and it’s like you’re saying I’m terrible, too. As if I didn’t already know you thought I was terrible.”
“You’re not . . .” He huffed as I wiped at my tears. “You’re not terrible.”
“You just made fun of my clothes,” I reminded him.
“Yes . . . I’m sorry.”
“Like you’re such a great dresser.”
“Hey!”
“And why do you like it so much here? It’s summer, and it’s still cold!”
“Hollis.”
“You’ve got to stop being so hard on me. I can’t—”
And then I couldn’t say anything else because Etan’s lips were on mine.
Every inch of my body went warm, tingling at the sensation of an unexpected kiss.
All my tension suddenly melted away under the sweet kisses of Etan Northcott. I’d never been close enough to smell him before, but he had a scent all his own . . . something that reminded me of being outside. He held on to my arms, keeping me in place, but his hands were gentle. And that was miraculous because I’d seen what his hands were capable of. It was all miraculous, actually.
When Etan finally pulled away, he still held me firmly to the earth. There was a crooked smile playing on his lips, and then, instantly, it was gone. Something flickered behind his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just done.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t know how else to make you stop arguing.”
He let me go, still looking confused.
All I could think was that he’d achieved what he’d set out to do; I was left speechless.
But he didn’t make a move to leave, looking as if he was waiting for me to say something, anything. So I willed my mind to stop trying to pinpoint exactly what he smelled like and get back to work.
“I . . . I have to go back inside. I have to see if Valentina’s arrived.”
His eyes went slightly wide, as if he’d forgotten that was the entire point of the evening. “Yes. Yes, of course.” He pulled at his shirt, straightening himself up. “You go ahead, and I’ll follow in a moment.”
And because he looked so very disoriented, I didn’t tell him how I felt about that kiss. I didn’t say that I could still feel it, or that he left me deliciously bewildered. I didn’t tell him that I didn’t mind the dizzying sensation of being the center of Etan Northcott’s attention.
Instead, I swallowed that down and locked it away. I couldn’t think about what I felt or said or even what this could mean, if it meant anything at all. Because when I walked back into the Great Room, it was time to work.
“Please, please, please be there,” I whispered. “I can’t go back outside right now, so please be there.”
I looked down the room, through the throngs of celebrating people, and, finally, mercifully, saw Valentina waiting at the head table.
Twenty-One
THE NIGHT WENT ON SLOWLY, and Valentina and I exchanged glances several times. She kept giving quick shakes of her head that were so small no one else would have noticed them. I tracked my family around the room as I waited, slightly anxious on my own. While their positions changed over and over, two things stayed the same.
First, Julien followed Scarlet like a shadow as she spoke to people, looking like he was working up the courage to say hello again but never quite getting there. And second, Etan was surrounded by a constant cloud of ladies, looking as if he was having the time of his life, taking in their admiration and offering no promises in return.
I supposed he really had just been trying to get me to stop talking.
I slowly wrapped my hand around my waist, surprised to find an aching emptiness of disappointment fluttering in my stomach.
Finally, when a group of dancers came out to perform, Valentina stood and made her way to the window.
She stayed to one side, looking toward the spectacle that I would have been all too quick to bemoan a month ago, and I looked outside, as if I were gazing at the moon.
“I’ve missed you so much,” she began, keeping her goblet in front of her mouth, the same trick she’d used before.
“I’ve missed you, too. I was so worried when you weren’t here earlier. Did someone find us out?”
“No,” she hedged. “I may have needed to slip something into my lady-in-waiting’s drink. She is always a step behind me here, and I couldn’t have made it to you if she’d come. It took longer for her to fall asleep than I expected.”
I giggled a little at the madness of it all, and I was pleased to see a tiny smile on her face.
“I’m so sorry about your baby,” I said.
The smile disappeared. “It was awful. It always is. I wished over and over that you were here. I’ve needed a friend, Hollis.”
“Have you been completely alone?”
She gave an all but imperceptible nod.
“At least I’ve had my family. I hate you’ve had no one.”
“Ugh, I don’t mean to be so selfish. I’m so sorry about Silas.” She sighed. “It’s the sad effect of being on my own all the time; I’m all I ever think about.”
“Don’t be silly. You’ve been through plenty. And if you hadn’t, I’d still understand. For what it’s worth, I think about you, too. All the time.”
Tears welled in Valentina’s eyes. “I need your help, Hollis. How did you escape Keresken?”
I didn’t dare look at her.
“I didn’t exactly. I told Jameson I was leaving. But if you’re asking what I think you are . . . I imagine the circumstances would be much more difficult.”
I saw out of the corner of my eye that she reached up to touch her temple.
“Are you in danger?” I asked.
“I don’t know. But this wedding means he’s lost hope in me. And, honestly, I don’t think I could take trying again. But I don’t know what happens . . . if you know about . . . Silas might have . . .”
“I know about the Darkest Knights, and, yes, I believe they killed him. And I think the king is dispatching them. So, I need your help, my friend. It would be risky, but we could offer you some protection if you can get us what we need.”
She sipped her drink. “Which is?”
“Proof. We need to know he’s murdered his own people. Some sort of documentation, anything that would give the Eastoffes or the Northcotts the right to take the throne.”
She laughed. “You will never snatch the throne from that man.”
“That man is old, and his son is barely clinging to life. If they can’t produce a legitimate heir—”
“What if I could prove something on that front?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
She was quiet for a minute. “I can get into Quinten’s offices. I know where his most important papers are, though I’m not sure what they say. There might not be a trail at all. . . . If there’s any chance, I’ll get you what I can at the reception tomorrow. But you will have to find a way to get me out of here, Hollis. I cannot stay.”
“Done.”
“Good. Wear Isolten sleeves tomorrow.” With that she began to casually walk around the room.
We’d done it. We’d gotten the only ally we could possibly have to do the one thing that might save our cause. This part of our plan, at least, was accomplished.
I found Mother’s eyes and nodded; she and Uncle Reid both shared a look of relief. Scarlet, who had clearly been watching the entire thing, saw my triumphant expression and tipped her head at me. Aunt Jovana would be filled in later.
And Etan . . . Etan was still in the middle of a sea of ladies, each of them presumably dazzled by his words. Between giving them winks and kissing their hands, he looked up at me. I smiled and nodded ever so slightly, and he gave me one of those knowing shakes of his head.
Whatever had happened out in the courtyard, maybe it would just be left there. Inside the castle, we had a king to conquer.
Twenty-Two
I LAY IN BED FOR a long time, just running my fingers across my lips. They felt different. I felt different.
I tried to pinpoint the moment, because I felt certain there had to be one. When had I gone from wishing Etan would disappear off the face of the planet . . . to wishing he was in the same room with me, teasing me? I wanted that this very second. I wanted him to come and argue with me or challenge me or give me that shake of his head when I’d done something right. And kiss me. I so desperately wanted him to kiss me.