by Kiera Cass
I couldn’t find a when. And I couldn’t find a how. But it was there, shattering through all my worry and guilt and hope: my heart was beating for Etan Northcott.
How deep this feeling went, I couldn’t say, but having feelings at all made me uncomfortable. We’d been speaking about my late husband before the kiss. It felt like a disregard for everything Silas meant to me to let my heart wake up to someone else, especially so soon. Granted, everything between us had happened quickly. We’d run away together only a handful of days after we had met and married two weeks after that. I’d spent more time as Silas’s widow than as his beloved. But I didn’t want to treat him like he didn’t happen.
Because he did. Silas happened, and he really did save me, and part of why I was here now was to make sure he didn’t die pointlessly.
I couldn’t abandon all of that for a poorly thought-out kiss that I’d done nothing to invite.
I rolled over on my side and cried. Cried because I missed Silas and felt like I was betraying him, cried because I ached to go to Etan. I cried because the number of things I’d been forced to feel in a matter of months was too much for any heart to hold.
“What’s wrong?” Scarlet whispered.
I wiped at my eyes, keeping my back to her. I was so afraid she’d see something in my eyes. “Nothing. Just thinking. About everything, I guess.”
“I know. It’s been a lot.”
“I really love you, Scarlet. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I reached behind me, hand grasping in the darkness for hers.
She found it and held me. My sister. I felt like I needed to ask for her forgiveness, but if I did, it would mean confessing, and I couldn’t do that. Not yet.
“I love you, too. And so does Mother, and Aunt Jovana, and Uncle Reid. And even Etan. He loves you, too.”
“I know.” I sniffed, wiping at my nose.
She was quiet for a moment. “I don’t think you do.”
It took a few beats of my heart to understand the full intent of her words.
My eyes widened. I sat up, turning over to look at her. “Scarlet Eastoffe . . . what do you know?”
She sighed, pushing herself up. “I know Etan hasn’t really smiled in years, but you make him laugh. I know he doesn’t take ladies’ favors because he never wants his wins to be shared, but he took yours. I know he doesn’t like to admit when he’s wrong, but he concedes to you. And I know he has never, ever looked at anyone the way he looks at you. Hollis, for a while now he’s seemed like he was walking around asleep . . . he’s different now that you’re here.”
“Really?” I breathed.
She nodded. “He lights up for you.”
I swallowed. I didn’t know if I could rightfully take credit for any positive change in him, but I wanted to. I wanted it all to belong to me.
“Maybe you’re right, Scarlet, but it doesn’t matter. He has no interest in settling down. He’s flirting. Like with the gaggle of girls falling upon him at the feast tonight.”
“Do I detect a hint of jealousy?”
“No!” I replied too quickly. “But let’s be honest here. He said himself he doesn’t want to marry. And if he ever did, it would certainly be with a girl from Isolte, not me. And if all of that wasn’t true, I couldn’t be with him anyway.”
She frowned at me. “Why not?”
I looked away. “Silas.”
She grabbed my arm, forcing me to look at her, her tone almost angry when she spoke. “Do you think Mother held you down in the garden so you could live as if you had died along with him? Do you think we tried to leave you in Coroa so you’d wallow in his death? Have you learned nothing from all that we’ve told you about our lives?”
I sat there, stunned. She continued.
“You’ve seen how we work. When one plan went wrong, we made another. When we couldn’t do one thing, we found new hopes. When we couldn’t stay in Isolte, we made a new home.
“All we do is live. The point has always been to live. I told you I plan to make it to the end of this alive and free, and I meant it. And if something happens to you and to Mother and to everyone else, and I’m the only one left? I’m still going to do that. You’re an Eastoffe now, Hollis. You want to know your part in the family? Your role? Your role is to live.”
My eyes welled as I thought back to Mother holding me in the dirt in the garden, refusing to let me go back. “Mother said something like that. She said Silas made plans for me, agreements. I was to live.”
She nodded. “Of course he did. She knew it, I did, we all did. So, if you’re in love, Hollis, go and live that life. It’s the only thing he ever wanted for you.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks again. “I know. He didn’t rescue me from the castle so I’d be miserable. But even if you’re comfortable with me moving on, who’s to say anyone else is? And . . . honestly, Scarlet, I’m not sure Etan even wants me.”
She shrugged. “I think he does. And I think the entire family would rejoice in your happiness. It’s been so long since we’ve had anything to celebrate. We’ve lost our homes; I lost my father and brothers. Aunt Jovana and Uncle Reid lost their daughters. Both to sickness, not the crown,” Scarlet assured me quickly. “Still, no one wants any of us to sit in our misery. If that’s the only thing holding you back . . .”
I wiped away my tears. “No, it’s not. I have bigger plans than this, remember? Gypsies. Goats. I’m not giving all that up.”
She giggled. “You’re ridiculous, Hollis.” She gave me a hug, holding me tight. “We should get some sleep. Tomorrow is the day.”
I sighed. “Yes. Whatever happens, Scarlet, I’m with you.”
“I know.”
She settled back in, looking disappointed that I was refusing to simply say I wanted Etan, but he’d been clear, and I knew it wasn’t worth attempting. Besides, we had other things, other possibilities laid out before us. They would be coming with the dawn.
Twenty-Three
THE NEXT MORNING, I DELAYED in our room for as long as I could, nervous to see Etan today. Was he going to explain himself? Apologize? Ignore the whole thing?
Ignoring it was certainly my plan until he chose to acknowledge it. Scarlet might have her suspicions, but she didn’t know there was a kiss. No one did. And that was how it would stay.
“Ready?” Scarlet asked.
I shook my head.
“Don’t you worry. Valentina will come through for us, I know it.”
I’d almost forgotten about Valentina. I hoisted myself up, trying not to look as nervous as I felt. “Let’s go.”
In the main room, only Mother was out and waiting. “There you are, girls. Both looking very smart today.” She was patting at her hair repeatedly, as if it was somehow falling out of place. It wasn’t. “I do feel it’s a bit early for a wedding, but I suppose that leaves for a whole day of celebrating. The weather is so nice for it, don’t you think?”
Scarlet walked over, placing a hand on hers. “Yes, Mother. It’s a lovely day. And it will only get better.”
Mother swallowed, but she nodded and smiled quickly after.
“I’m nervous, too,” I admitted.
Aunt Jovana came out with Uncle Reid just behind her. “Did someone say they were nervous? Thank goodness. I’ve been pacing since I woke.”
“You paced while you slept, too, and I’ve got the bruises to prove it,” Uncle Reid joked, and she playfully poked his arm. “Who are we missing? Etan?”
As his name was said, he hurriedly stumbled from his room, raking his hand through his hair and using the other to pull at his belt. “I’m here. Sorry. Didn’t sleep well.”
Oh, good. I wasn’t alone.
I didn’t meet his eyes. I wasn’t quite ready for that.
“We still have time, son. Take a breath.” Uncle Reid said. “In fact, everyone take a breath. Straighten yourselves up, and let’s get ready to go.”
For the first time since we’d set up this little arrangement, I hesitated to go to Etan.
But it didn’t matter; he came to me.
My heart was positively racing at his nearness. When I could pull my eyes up from the floor, I saw . . . how could I even describe what I saw? The tension that always seemed to rest in his jaw was gone, and the way his eyes were usually settled in an air of worry and suspicion . . . that was gone, too. He was still Etan, and somehow not.
Usually, he turned to face the door, extending his arm in a very official way. But today, he gently held out his hand for me.
“Come on, you wretched hag. We’re going to be late,” he teased gently.
I smiled, relieved. I could do this.
“Where in the world did you sleep last night? You smell like a barn.” I placed my hand on his, reminding myself that any flickers of warmth I felt were all in my head and not in his, and we were off.
As relatives of the king, we were expected to occupy the first few rows of the temple. Etan and I made our way past the scores of people filling the space to capacity, and he nodded kindly at the many people who greeted him.
The sound of the organ in the background was more ominous than romantic, but I supposed that was fitting. There were a few sprays of flowers near the front of the temple, but otherwise the room was plain. Even the windows lacked color. It certainly all fit my mood about the event. This space felt how I’d always imagined Isolte would: damp, dark, and decidedly less inviting than Coroa. But I’d found warmth here, too.
At some cue that I didn’t see, the king and queen walked down the aisle. Quinten looked as venomous as ever, hiking up the aisle with his elaborate cane, and Valentina’s eyes were dancing around the room, looking for what, I couldn’t guess. Her one hand was resting on Quinten’s, and the other was settled across her waist, as if she was trying to convince people that she was with child. They walked on, looking perfectly regal, settling into two thrones on the front right-hand side of the room.
Shortly after, Prince Hadrian and Princess Phillipa entered, walking hand in hand. At that, we rose, and it was difficult to see the procession until they were very close to the front.
Poor Prince Hadrian had a layer of sweat across his forehead already, exhausted from the trip across the temple. His pallor was only heightened by the sight of Princess Phillipa, all rosy cheeks and fair skin.
“This is another concern,” Etan whispered to me. “Her father is dead, so her older brother is king, yet he didn’t feel obligated to come and give her away himself. He didn’t even send a noble to act in his stead. What does that mean?”
“It could mean that this event doesn’t matter to them. But I can’t imagine why. They’re marrying into the largest country on the continent, and that offers unparalleled security. None of this wedding makes sense. The pace, the events around it . . . none of it.”
He inhaled deeply, as if he were calculating, trying to make sense of the information in front of him. His expression didn’t give anything away if he’d figured something out.
“Please sit,” the priest said, his expression serene. “Today we unite not only two souls, but two kingdoms. In the scope of eternity, it is hard to say which of these is more precious. It gives us all a moment to reflect upon our own lives, upon our own small kingdoms, the ones we build around ourselves.”
My hands had been up by my chest since we’d taken our seats, fiddling anxiously with my rings. But these words broke through my worry, and I moved them down, holding on to the edge of the pew.
“It is a wise and valuable thing to build up your kingdom, to make walls and leave a legacy that will follow beyond you. It is worthy to make, to grow, to establish. It is the reason so many reach for greatness, the reason so many aspire for glory. We all want our very small kingdom to have a name; we want it to be remembered.”
He looked around the room, finally resting his eyes on Hadrian. I don’t know what he saw in his face, but he frowned and spoke much faster when he started again.
“But possibly more important than that are the other little kingdoms around yours, the ones you have an opportunity to join with. There is also value in this, in partnering, in coupling. Because what is the point of a kingdom, big or small, if it is enjoyed alone? What value is a castle that only one man walks through?”
Etan’s hands came off his lap, also wrapping around the edge of the pew, his right hand resting up against my left, so that I felt the warmth of it—maybe even, I thought, his steady pulse. Was this touch intentional?
“And so, let us pray and bless the union of Prince Hadrian and Princess Phillipa, of two souls and two kingdoms.”
Perhaps because of the descending slump of Hadrian’s shoulders, the holy man gave a markedly short exchanging of vows, singing through his prayers at such a speed it was hard to follow along. And then, quite suddenly, they were man and wife, prince and princess, the next key in a secure line of succession for King Quinten.
We all applauded as we knew we must, but I felt a part of myself sink. After knowing all that Quinten took from me, it was painful to see him get anything he wanted.
While the king, queen, their son, and their brand-new daughter-in-law filed down the aisle, we stood and waited. As soon as they were out of the temple, we paraded out behind them. At the door, the royal family waited to receive us, to be congratulated by the entire temple of guests before celebrating.
Uncle Reid and Aunt Jovana were first in line, and they bowed and curtsied, keeping everything—their anger, their disappointment, their sorrow—locked up tight. When I got to the royal family, King Quinten was first in line, followed by the new couple, and Valentina was at the end. I was confused as to why Quinten wouldn’t keep his wife beside him, but after a quick moment of thought, it made perfect sense: they were ordered by rank, if only in his eyes.
“Congratulations, Your Majesty. Such a privilege,” I said.
“I’m sure.”
He didn’t even look at me but passed me on to Prince Hadrian.
“Your Royal Highness. May you and your new wife have many happy years together.”
I realized then that I’d never heard Hadrian speak. I assumed he could talk, but he simply never spoke in my presence. Today was no exception. He nodded, pressing his lips into something that looked similar to a smile, while Phillipa did the talking.
“How very kind. I hear you are close to the royal family. I do hope we’ll see more of you at court.”
“Perhaps, Highness. That is entirely dependent upon my mother,” I hedged, unsure if I could trust the princess, and moved on to Valentina.
She held out her hand as if she expected it to be kissed. When I reached to take it, she gripped my fingers tight and pulled me closer.
“Take these to your room immediately and hide them. Get through the reception. Do not forget me.”
From the sleeve of the arm she’d been holding against her stomach, she pulled out several papers and shoved them up the wide sleeve of my gown. I put a hand over it to hold them all in place before sinking into an appropriate curtsy.
Ahead of me, Etan waited with his hand out for me.
“Not this time. I need to go by the room. I’ll meet you at the reception.” I went with the growing crowd back into the castle, finding Scarlet.
“I need the key to your trunk,” I murmured.
Without a single question, she slipped it out of her pocket and into mine, and I broke from everyone once we were inside, heading down the hall to our room. Once the door was shut, I pulled the packet of letters out of my sleeve. I stood for a moment in awe of Valentina. Not only had she managed to get ahold of the information we needed, she’d hidden it as she stood arm in arm with the person she took it from.
I was aching to look through it all, discover just what we had, but she told me to go to the reception, and so I would. She was right, of course; we had to be visible.
Scarlet’s trunk was old, and it took several attempts to get the key in properly. When I finally did, I buried the letters, wrapped in a set of stockings, at the very bottom before locking it
again. And then, as if it would somehow be safer, I shoved it under the bed.
I took a deep breath and straightened my gown. It was time to celebrate a wedding.
Twenty-Four
THE GREAT ROOM HAD BEEN made over for the reception. Everything was decked in white. Tapestries, flowers, ribbons, the whole lot was clean and clear and pure. The tables were arranged again for dancing, and the newly wedded couple were already sitting at the head table, nodding at those who looked their way.
“Feeling better, Hollis?” Mother asked pointedly. I didn’t know who was watching, but I played along.
“Yes. I was bit warm back at the temple, but I’m much better now.”
“Have something to drink,” Etan insisted, standing so I could take his seat.
“Thank you.”
“I am going to eat sweets until I’m sick,” Scarlet declared.
“Excellent plan.” I turned to survey the festivities. For the first time, I stopped taking in the room as a whole and saw it was very easy to break the crowd down into two sets of people: those who were smiling and those who weren’t.
There were some who politely forced a happy face when someone approached them, but more often than not, it looked like people were not as delighted as they were expected to be with this arrangement.
Were people now balancing on a tipping point with Silas killed at Quinten’s orders? If we could show them proof, would the majority of this room rally behind Uncle Reid?
I thought of the trunk under my bed, aching to know what those letters said, hoping more than I could say that something was finally falling in our favor.
Etan bent down to my ear, his breath tickling me as he spoke. “Did Valentina deliver?”
He hadn’t said anything about last night, hadn’t said he wanted to kiss me again, hadn’t said he regretted the entire thing. All I knew was that him being this close to me made my skin wake up, hoping that he might touch me. I knew I’d already committed his scent to memory, deciding overnight that if the wind had a smell, it was embedded in him. I knew that if he pulled me into a corner and kissed me now, I’d welcome it.