by Kiera Cass
He walked up, bowing before me. As he did, I noted the petite girl just off his shoulder, her hair done up in an elaborate twist, and her face angelic and poised.
For a split second, I forgot my place. I curtsied to him in return, a little hastily. I sighed. I was already making mistakes.
I walked down off the dais, my arms outstretched, and he happily took my hands in his.
“Is this the best you could do?” he asked, flicking at the collar of my gown. “You look like a puddle.”
“I assume they lost your wardrobe on the road and that’s why you’re wearing this horse blanket?”
He chuckled. “It works in a pinch.”
I smiled and looked past him, raising my voice. “Dear friends, thank you for coming. I realize this meeting came much sooner than expected. I appreciate your willingness to visit with us, and for your support, even from afar. Some of you rode up to this very palace for my sake, and I have not forgotten it. Please make yourselves at home. You are most welcome here.”
There were courteous claps around the room, and Etan held my hand as we went up the dais. Once we got there, Hagan was waiting for me, and I remembered whose arm I was supposed to be on.
“Your Majesty, please let me introduce you to Sir Hagan Kaltratt. He will be accompanying me for the duration of your stay.”
Etan reached out his hand. “A pleasure to meet you, sir. I hope we will get some time to talk ourselves.”
Hagan shook Etan’s hand in return. “I’d love to. I’ve heard your quite the jouster. I’d be grateful for any advice you’d be willing to give me.”
Etan laughed. “I’m afraid I’ve only won one tournament. I was lucky.” He glanced over to me. “Very lucky. But I’ll still go out to the field with you whenever you’re free.”
“Excellent.”
Etan took the hand of the girl beside him, bringing her closer to me. “Your Majesty, I’d like you to meet Lady Ayanna Routhand. She is one of the brightest ladies at the Isolten court, and she’s dying for you to give her dancing lessons.”
I looked past him. “Is that so?”
She nodded. “I’ve heard all about your adventures from your mother-in-law. And Lady Scarlet speaks of how you two used to dance.”
I grabbed Etan’s arm. “Are they here?”
“Held up. They’re coming tonight,” he replied, an amused smile on his face.
“Your parents?” I had to stop myself from calling them aunt and uncle.
“They’re keeping everything together while I’m gone, but they send their love, as always.”
I couldn’t contain my joy. Etan was here, and Mother would be soon, along with Scarlet. I didn’t realize how much I’d been aching for them, but as the moment settled on me, I felt instantly lighter. My standing around and laughing was not the point of the trip, so I motioned for Etan to join me at our seats. Hagan, ever a perfect gentleman, went over to Ayanna, and took her to meet some of the more influential families at court.
“She’s sweet,” I said.
“Yes. Sweet, eager to learn . . . Father approves, so that’s something.”
I made a face. “And Aunt Jovana?”
He squinted. “She’s a bit more restrained with her affections to Ayanna.”
“I’m sure she’ll come around.”
“I suppose.” But there was something about the set of his jaw that said this was unlikely. “What’s all this?” he asked pointing to the wall. Next to the stained-glass windows depicting moments from Coroa’s past, a curtain hung. “Did a pane get broken?”
“Not broken. I’ve had a new window installed. We’re unveiling it at sunset. The light should be perfect.”
“You would know.”
I stared at his smile, lost, completely forgetting where I was supposed to be going or if I was meant to say something. The world was nothing but Etan.
After a moment, he took in a deep breath, like he’d forgotten to inhale. His eyelids fluttered, and he turned to look at the room, seeming to need a distraction almost as much as I did. “You should have seen your people as we approached the first city,” he said, his tone balancing perfectly between serious and playful. “Children were waiting by the road with fruit in their hands. They ran alongside us, handing it up to the soldiers and courtiers as we passed.”
I beamed with pride. “I’ve tried to tell you many times; we’re generally a welcoming people.”
He nodded. “It’s hard to believe that on a battlefield. But there were plenty of other times I sh—” He pressed his lips together, his eyes glassy. “Hollis. I said so many things. Terrible things. About you, about Coroa. I called you names. I was so painfully ignorant.”
I shook my head. “I cannot judge you; I’m sorry to say I’ve done the same. But we learn and we change. That’s the only way to make anything better.”
“Then can you find it in yourself to forgive me?” he whispered.
I stared again, lost in those slate-blue eyes. “For a very long time, there has been nothing to forgive between you and me.”
He let out a long, shaky breath, blinking back tears. He surveyed the people in the Great Hall—both his and mine, Isolten and Coroan—and finding himself pleased with what he saw, he smiled and took me up to the thrones. When we sat his face grew serious.
“How are you faring, Hollis? Tell me the truth.”
I swallowed. “Doing well, I think? I have nothing to compare it to. Unlike you, I wasn’t born on the edges of royalty, so I’ve already accidentally broken the law twice just for lack of knowing any better. The holy men held a week-long prayer service for me.”
At that, he chuckled. “Well, if anyone could use prayer . . .”
I swatted at him, smiling because, while he was different, he was also just as I remembered him.
“I’m getting better, but I’m terrified of messing something up. It used to be if I made a mistake, it only hurt me, or maybe four or five people around me. Now? I could hurt so many, Etan. It would break my heart.”
“Then write me,” he said, placing his hand on mine. I thrilled to the touch. “I don’t know everything, but I’ve got plenty of experience. I’ll help you.”
I tilted my head at him. “You have your own country to tend to. One twice the size of mine, might I add. You can’t stop what you’re doing to save me.”
“But I would,” he whispered. “I’d do . . . I’d do so much more if I could.”
I swallowed. “I know. Me, too.” I lowered my voice. “I can’t believe I didn’t think about what this would mean . . . for us.”
He shrugged. “I didn’t, either. In the moment, I was just so pleased for you. To see you become queen.”
“If I’d have realized, I never would have . . .”
“Yes, you would have,” he insisted. “You’d have taken up your crown in a heartbeat, because, despite my first assessment, you are much more than an ornament. You’re brave, possibly to the point of stupidity.” I laughed at that. “And you’re giving. Unflinchingly loyal . . . so many things, Hollis. Things I wish I’d seen sooner.”
I looked away. All the brightness that had surrounded me was fading away. I thought it would be a long-awaited comfort to see Etan again . . . now I wondered how much of it I could take. “I think, for both our sakes, this meeting might need to be the last one in person.”
When I dared to lift my gaze to him again, Etan looked as if he might cry. “I think you’re right. I don’t know if I could do this for the rest of my life.”
I nodded. “I’m a little tired. I might excuse myself. But I have so many things I want to ask you about this afternoon, trades to make. I think we can do a lot of good. I will always have a heart for Isolte.”
He smiled, a beautiful, defeated thing. “I know. And my heart will always live in Coroa.”
I swallowed. I couldn’t even say goodbye. I rose and gave him an acceptable curtsy before retreating to my rooms at the fastest pace I could without looking like I’d been offended by somethin
g.
I didn’t close the door behind me, and Valentina came in quickly, followed by two of the holy men. They tended to be like shadows for me. Most of the time, I didn’t mind it. I was so deeply in need of help, I was thankful anyone came along to usher me in the right direction. I wasn’t so sure how I felt about it now.
“Majesty?” Valentina asked, watching as I collapsed into full-on sobs.
“I can’t do this,” I insisted. “I love him so much, Valentina. How am I supposed to live without him?”
She embraced me. “It’s not fair,” she agreed. “Too many people have to live without the ones they love. Here you are with every resource in the world, and you still can’t make it happen. It’s cruel, Hollis. I’m sorry.”
“Majesty?” Langston asked. “He did not offend you, did he?”
I shook my head, weeping. How could I explain what everyone in close quarters already knew: my heartache was my own doing.
I clutched Valentina. I felt so foolish, picking up the crown and taking vows before I’d known it meant Etan would be gone forever, before I realized being sovereigns meant that Etan and I were tied to our own countries with no means of escape.
The holy men weren’t sure what to do with a crying woman. They’d said the wrong thing to me more than once, and now they usually chose to stay silent in the absence of the right words.
“Majesty,” Langston said, “for what it’s worth, we are sorry. When you left, we thought we knew what heartbreak looked like. Jameson was all but inconsolable. Still, we never saw him break. He was angry, vain, vengeful . . . it was never like this with him.” He came closer to me, speaking softly. “But we know your strength. And your people love you. You will overcome this.”
I nodded my head and spoke through my tears. “Of course, I will. My apologies. I will rest and be ready for our meeting this afternoon. We have much work to do on this trip, and I will not let you down.”
The holy men bowed and backed out of the room, closing the door behind them.
“Come,” Valentina said. “Let’s get all the tears out now. It won’t do for everyone to see them.”
“If anyone understands that, it’s you.”
She held me tighter. “I do. And I won’t let you fall, Hollis.”
The sad thing was, I’d already fallen. And I was in so deep there was no coming back.
Thirty-Seven
“I’M AFRAID I HAVE A rather long list,” I warned Etan as I walked around the wide table in my new offices. The holy men were standing at their own desk, books and scrolls on hand should anything need confirmation. Ayanna and Hagan sat side by side in chairs, whispering questions and answers to one another, the intendeds of two young sovereigns.
“I do, too,” he said, setting some papers on the large table in front of us. “Ladies first.”
I smiled. “Well, even before I was queen, I envied Isolte’s medical advances. I would like to start some sort of program where Coroan citizens who have an interest in medicine could study in Isolte. Of course, it would be limited, and people would need to apply; I don’t want to send a hoard your way. But would you be agreeable to something like that?”
He considered. “Why don’t I send some of our brightest here? Perhaps we could do rotating courses. Maybe go to two or three regions in Coroa? You’d know where they’d be most useful.”
I blinked. “That would be incredibly generous. Off the top of my head, I’d want something here, where the population is so dense and in need of care, and something in the poorest areas where getting care is the most difficult. Once a handful of people were trained, they could take over the teaching roles, and your doctors could go home.”
He nodded. “Note that we need to make inquiries for ten doctors willing to come and teach in Coroa. Housing and payment will be taken care of.”
One of his pages wrote this down.
“Thank you,” I breathed, standing a little bit taller. “That was easy. All right. Your turn. What do you want the most?”
He turned and looked at me for a long time. It wasn’t the best choice of words, a question neither of us could honestly answer. I heard Hagan clear his throat, and I finally moved away.
Etan reached for a scroll. “This is the project I’m fondest of.” He rolled the paper out, placing two weights on the edges so I could see the outline of a map of the continent.
I squinted, letting my fingers wader around the map. “I don’t think I understand.”
He pointed at a faint red line along where Coroa and Isolte met. “When you told Quinten he should simply give the land over, it was one of the best ideas I’d ever heard. With the turnover of sovereigns recently,” he began, giving me a pointed look, “I haven’t heard of any skirmishes along the border. It seems people are otherwise occupied. But before there’s a chance for animosities to build up again, I want to cut it down. I suggest a new border, giving these two sections of land to Coroa.” He traced along the red line, and I could see now how it dipped ever so slightly into Isolte, barely taking anything from the mass overall, but changing everything.
I leaned close to Etan, whispering. “I can’t help but notice that so far, everything is of a benefit to me.”
“It’s all I can do, Hollis. Please don’t stop me.”
I swallowed. This time it was Ayanna who cleared her throat.
I tried to hide it, tried to not look as if my world revolved around his smile. I felt positive every inch of my face gave me away, and try as I may, there was nothing I could do about it. I peeked over my shoulder at Etan’s intended. I had the distinct feeling both she and Hagan would be thrilled when this trip was over.
“Very well. Granted,” I said quietly.
“Oh, amazing. You’ve learned to take instruction. I can’t wait to write Mother about this.”
“Writing? So you’ve finally mastered the alphabet, then? She must be so proud.”
Talks over trade and roads and art went on for hours, and, for the life of me, I didn’t understand why the people before us made things so difficult. While Etan and I didn’t see perfectly eye to eye on everything, and while those who kept the laws had to interject from time to time, everything went smoothly.
Going into these talks assuming my neighboring king wasn’t trying to ruin me and knowing this queen wasn’t trying to ruin him changed everything.
Worlds could be changed when we chose not to walk into rooms operating as if everyone was our enemy.
Etan finally rubbed at his forehead. “I think I have to stop for now. We can leave all the papers out and pick up here tomorrow if you like.”
I nodded. “And I think they’ve planned a ball tonight, so I need rest before that.”
“Well, you don’t have to dance, Your Majesty,” Hagan offered. “I’m sure the other ladies of court will be happy to entertain our guests in your stead.”
Ayanna stood. “Some of the ladies from Isolte choreographed a piece for you. A gift. Nothing impressive, I’m sure, but—”
“No, no!” I said, smiling. “How thoughtful. I can’t wait to see.” I turned to Etan.
“Completely her idea,” he bragged. I liked that she was considerate. He needed someone who put him first, others first in general.
“Gentlemen, will you excuse us? I think I’d like to show Lady Ayanna the gardens.”
She smiled as her eyes went wide, and she let out a slow breath as if bracing herself for being alone in my company.
“Come,” I said, giving her my arm. “You’re going to love the flowers.”
We made our way outside, and, as we walked, I pointed out the fine features of our architecture and noted the various wings of the castle. My home.
For so long, I’d felt like I wasn’t sure where that was. But this was my home now. Right? It had to be. It was where I slept, where I ate, where I ruled. But I supposed that, as long as Etan Northcott wasn’t under the same roof, no place would ever feel like home to me.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Aya
nna ventured. “I’m sure you didn’t bring me out here just to look at flowers.”
“Well, I thought it would be nice to get to know you. I’m sure we’ll correspond over the years, even if we don’t meet again.”
“Is . . . are you planning not to meet again?”
“It’s unlikely.” I ignored her shaky breath of relief. “But tell me about yourself. How did you meet Etan?”
She smiled, thinking back. “My parents introduced us. I was sick for Hadrian’s wedding, so I missed meeting you, watching His Majesty win the tournament, and seeing him come back with an army. After everything was settled and I was well again, we went to Chetwin to pay tribute and pledge our loyalty. I’ve been at the castle ever since, so we get to spend a lot of time together.” She added a shy little shrug. “How did you meet His Majesty?”
I giggled. “Oh, it was here in the Great Hall. He insulted me, and I gave it right back. We were off to a fantastic start.”
She laughed. “Really? I’ve never heard Etan insult anyone.”
I rolled my eyes. “Lucky you. It seems we communicate in irritating one another.”
Ayanna stopped, dropping my arm. “Then how is it . . . why do you seem so happy when you’re in the same room?”
I was confident I was blushing, but I still went to deny it. “He’s like family. I married his—”
She cut me off. “No, I know the whole story. But he’s been smiling to himself for a week. And in that room, he’d reach for something just to touch your hand. So, if you two live to argue with each other, why does it seem like . . .” She couldn’t bring herself to finish. “I’m strong enough to take it, you know. I can resolve myself to losing him; I just need someone to tell me the truth.”
So here it was, one of many moments I’d been dreading. I wanted to tell her to stop fighting for him, that if it came down to it, I’d win every time. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t fight for Etan or waste my time hating her.
Ayanna was the only one who could take care of him in my place, so my sole choice was to be honest and to love her through it. I had to be her champion.