The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

  ‘Here, sitting alone in this corner with you, this feels so much … safer. Thank you for coming.’ Akriti stretched her arm and clasped his hand in hers. She looked straight ahead, away from him.

  Siddhant noticed her lower lip tremble, and held her hand tighter in his.

  Chapter 3

  Over the next few weeks, Akriti slowly seemed to return to normal. Siddhant felt less and less nervous around her, not as worried about her mental health anymore. She would still call him in the dead of night, sometimes on the brink of tears, sometimes already hysterical, but it was he who had encouraged her to do so. He had offered his constant support, telling her to call him whenever she felt the need to. She had resisted at first, but he insisted – for her sake and for his own peace of mind. He much preferred to be around and help her than imagine her dealing with this on her own.

  But it was not easy on Siddhant. Apart from the emotional toll the relationship took, he ended up becoming dangerously sleep-deprived as well. Which is why when Siddhant had the rare day off on his schedule, he knew what he wanted to do most: take a long, long nap. He slept through the day, knocked out for several hours and woke up feeling completely disoriented. It took him several moments to realize that it was a little after six in the evening, that he was alone at home and that his stomach was growling with hunger.

  Addressing the most compelling emergency first, he ordered dinner online and jumped into the shower. Ten minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom in a towel, and noticed the screen of his phone light up. His heart beating a little faster, he checked to see if it was Akriti. It turned out to be just a news update, and his whole body unclenched.

  He couldn’t help feeling a little selfish. After many weeks of balancing long shifts at the hospital and being available for Akriti, he felt protective of his one day off. He wanted to be carefree, just for a few hours. Stream crappy TV shows, play video games and be generally unproductive for a night – he’d forgotten what that felt like.

  He fell backwards on the couch and turned the TV on. He had barely started browsing when the doorbell rang. He leaped up excitedly and swung the door open, only to find Priyesh waiting on the doorstep.

  ‘Forgot my key,’ Priyesh said in greeting.

  ‘Thought you were my food,’ Siddhant muttered.

  Like a robot, Priyesh walked straight to the couch and collapsed on to the cushions. He flexed his arm and groaned.

  ‘Bad day at the hospital again?’ Siddhant asked.

  ‘I can’t keep doing this, man. My carpal tunnel is worse than ever, and it’s reached my neck. Every nerve in my body hurts. I haven’t slept more than four hours a night in a month. Not cool.’

  ‘You chose this life,’ Siddhant said light-heartedly.

  ‘I thought I’d be saving lives,’ Priyesh retorted in a small voice.

  ‘And you are. You’re just having … I don’t know, a bad streak?’ Siddhant said sombrely. He knew that Priyesh was complaining only because his job hadn’t been the most rewarding lately. Normally, the role they played in saving lives compensated for the physical toll and emotional turmoil that was part and parcel of being a surgical resident. But of late, Priyesh had experienced a string of losses. And every lost life struck harder than the last.

  ‘Bad streak? It’s been weeks! I can’t do this much longer. I’m completely drained. And —’ Priyesh began to say something, but then caught himself. ‘Never mind.’

  ‘What?’ Siddhant pressed.

  ‘I don’t know, man,’ Priyesh said, sounding defeated. Siddhant could tell that he was trying to appear laid-back to hide his true feelings. ‘I don’t think they should assign me patients anymore. Other doctors can actually help these people, save their lives. Better doctors.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous! You’ve either been getting impossible cases or facing unexpected complications – it’s been one or the other every time. It happens to all of us sometimes. No one blames you for it, and you shouldn’t either,’ Siddhant said firmly.

  Priyesh didn’t say anything.

  ‘Trust me. It’ll get better in time. Don’t think about it too much,’ Siddhant added for good measure.

  Priyesh nodded once and turned away from him, indicating the end of the conversation, but Siddhant noticed that he looked a little relieved.

  The doorbell rang, and Siddhant’s face lit up. ‘Cheer up! Food is here,’ he announced, reaching to get the door.

  They set out the food on the centre table, and as the smell of spices wafted through the room, Siddhant saw a tiny smile appear on Priyesh’s face. They put on a superhero movie and ate in silence. For several minutes, the only sounds they made were monosyllabic grunts in appreciation of the food. Once they were sated on butter chicken and garlic naan, the mood in the room lightened significantly.

  ‘That was the best food I’ve had in a long time,’ Priyesh said, as he unscrewed their second beers.

  ‘I keep thinking I can’t eat another bite, then I eat another bite. I have to physically remove all this from my vicinity,’ Siddhant said. He got up and carried the leftovers to the fridge.

  ‘Good idea. We can’t be trusted around food.’

  When Siddhant returned to the couch, they lay back with their beers and watched the rest of the movie. Siddhant checked his phone a few times and was relieved to find no new notifications. No one seemed to need him – it was blissful. He felt uncharacteristically relaxed, but also a little guilty. Once the movie ended, Priyesh declared his intention to go to his room and pass out.

  ‘How’s the girl, by the way?’ he asked.

  ‘She’s okay now,’ Siddhant replied. ‘Been doing much better of late.’

  ‘That’s great. Okay, I really must pass out asap —’

  Before Priyesh could finish, the doorbell rang for the third time that night.

  They looked at each other for explanation, a sudden fear appearing in their eyes; neither of them was in any mood to be interrupted on their night of doing nothing. Priyesh went to open the door.

  ‘Oh, hey, Akriti, right?’ Siddhant heard him say.

  ‘Yes, hi,’ came the response.

  His heart raced. Was she okay?

  ‘Akriti?’ he said, approaching her, as she entered the apartment.

  ‘Hey,’ she said quietly. She looked fine, the only visible sign of potential distress being her hair, which was frizzy in the front.

  ‘Okay …’ Priyesh said, retreating. ‘Good night, guys.’ He smirked at Siddhant before disappearing into his bedroom, clearly triumphant that the unannounced guest wasn’t there for him.

  Siddhant turned his attention to Akriti. ‘What’s going on? Are you okay?’

  ‘Yes, yes, don’t worry. I’m fine,’ Akriti said, smiling up at him. She placed a hand on his arm and continued, ‘I just didn’t want to be alone tonight.’

  ‘Oh, right. Great!’ Siddhant said, looking around in dismay. The apartment was in an advanced state of dishevelment. He was dressed in sweats and, mentally, was in no condition to entertain. On top of that, even though he and Akriti had talked a lot on the phone in the past month, they’d spent very little time together, and this was the first time she had come to his place. He was completely thrown. ‘Umm … have you eaten?’ he asked finally. That was a start – they could go somewhere to eat; that would take the pressure off him. He’d just eaten a lot of food, but he could eat again …

  Akriti laughed. ‘I have! Don’t worry – you don’t have to entertain me or anything! We can just … chill here.’

  ‘Right. Of course.’ Siddhant grabbed the stray pieces of clothing adorning the back of the couch in an attempt to quickly tidy up the space.

  ‘Or we could go to your room,’ Akriti said.

  Siddhant turned to face her, holding a pair of dirty shorts. ‘What?’

  ‘Your room. You know, your bedroom?’ Akriti glanced at Priyesh’s door and then met Siddhant’s eyes again. ‘So that we can have more privacy.’

  Siddhant couldn’t say
that he’d seen this coming. Nor did he understand what her intention was behind inviting herself to his room. He tried to think back to the last time they’d spoken, which was in the morning … She’d sounded a little sad, but mostly okay. There had been nothing to indicate that they would be spending time alone in his bedroom later that night.

  ‘Okay,’ he said, leading the way.

  ‘So, how was your day?’ Akriti asked, following him inside. She seemed quite at ease, which Siddhant found odd for some reason. This was definitely out of character for her. Something wasn’t quite right …

  ‘Not bad. Didn’t do a whole lot. Had the day off, so I took a long nap.’

  ‘That sounds nice.’

  ‘It was. Can’t remember the last time I slept so peacefully—’ Siddhant stopped speaking abruptly, noticing the look on Akriti’s face and realizing how his statement could be misconstrued. ‘I didn’t mean … I just meant I haven’t had a day off from work in some time. You know how crazy our schedules are.’

  ‘Yep. We have the same job.’

  ‘Exactly.’ Siddhant laughed nervously, wondering if he’d imagined the coldness in her voice. To be sure, he said, ‘Hey, I’m sorry – I really didn’t mean anything by it …’

  Akriti paused for a brief moment, but then smiled. ‘It’s okay – I’m not mad! Don’t worry about it. If anything, I’m grateful for all the sleep you’ve given up for me. I should be thanking you …’

  Siddhant relaxed. He sat down next to her at the foot of the bed. ‘No, no. You don’t have to thank me. I’m glad I can help.’

  ‘You’re so sweet.’ Akriti turned towards him and looked at him with genuine emotion.

  ‘That’s me!’ he said, trying to laugh it off.

  ‘My sweet boyfriend. How did I ever get so lucky?’ Akriti leaned towards Siddhant and placed a little kiss on his cheek.

  Siddhant was lost, wondering where the sudden affection was coming from … But it couldn’t be bad, could it? No, it was probably a good sign; maybe she was actually getting better, returning to normal. And although a little unexpected, her display of affection was sweet.

  He smiled at her. ‘Stop it. I’m the lucky one.’

  ‘Liar,’ Akriti retorted and then fell backwards on the bed. ‘I had a good day.’

  Feeling more relaxed, Siddhant lay down next to her and looked at the ceiling. ‘You did?’

  ‘Yes … I mean, no, not at first. At first, I felt terrible. After I hung up the phone with you, I went to work, and then there was this case … this little girl had VSD … it was her seventh surgery this year and it was horrible. Her parents were so desperate, begging us to take care of their little girl …’ Akriti was shaking her head. ‘I couldn’t even look them in the eye. It’s so hard to keep the emotions out of it, you know?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Anyway, the surgery was successful. I was only assisting, and honestly, I tried to take the back seat as much as possible. I couldn’t have handled it if something had gone wrong … But in the end, the procedure went fine. She’s okay for now.’

  ‘That’s all that matters,’ Siddhant said quietly. He reached out and took her hand. ‘Priyesh and I were talking about something similar earlier today. This job is always hard, but I think what really matters in the end is that we do our best.’

  ‘Yeah, but what if my best isn’t enough?’

  ‘We can do all we can do, but that’s all we can do.’

  ‘That’s a nice way to put it.’

  ‘I just thought of it,’ Siddhant laughed.

  ‘So smart.’ Akriti smiled, looking at the ceiling. ‘You know that I really … appreciate you, right?’ she said after a while.

  ‘I do.’

  ‘Okay, good. I need you to know that I’m not taking any of this for granted. You’ve been helping me through this really tough time … I can’t even imagine what I would do without you—’

  ‘You’d be fine!’ Siddhant said. ‘Really. You’re so brave, and you’ve been so, so strong. I’m glad to be here, but you’re underestimating your own strength.’

  ‘A lot of that strength comes from you! I don’t think I would’ve been brave at all if I were all alone in this. Just … learn to take a compliment, okay?’

  They turned towards each other, their faces only inches away.

  ‘Okay, I’m taking the compliment. I’m not very good at it though …’ Siddhant said awkwardly.

  ‘Clearly.’ Akriti laughed. But a moment later, without warning, she lay on her back again and spoke sombrely to the ceiling. ‘My mom died when I was ten.’

  An ‘oh’ escaped Siddhant’s mouth. He tried to gauge her expression, then said carefully, ‘I heard a few people talking about it at the … at your dad’s terahvi.’

  Akriti nodded. ‘She was in a car accident … on her way to pick me up from school. I took the bus normally, but we were going to go see a movie after school that day, so mom was gonna pick me and my friends up. We waited outside the school for so long, for what felt like hours, but she never came.’

  Siddhant held her hand tighter, his throat tight, imagining a little Akriti waiting excitedly outside her school for her mother …

  ‘It was so sudden, so unexpected. It broke our whole family. She died immediately, and so did the baby she was carrying. It was all over … just like that. I remember that night, when my dad begged me to eat dinner, I kept wondering why he wasn’t acting all strong and putting up a brave front for me. He was crying openly. Howling. That sound … I’ve never heard anything so … so bone-chilling in my entire life. Our whole world was shattered. We were going to be a big family – I had prayed for a younger brother or sister for so long, and it was finally going to happen. We were all so excited, but then, it was just gone. Poof.’

  Siddhant was now sitting up on the bed, holding both of Akriti’s hands in his. He couldn’t look away from her face, which was oddly blank, minus the slight tremble of her lower lip, and eyes that threatened to water any second. Siddhant wanted to comfort her. ‘I can’t even …’ His voice caught.

  ‘My dad and I became best friends. He was all I had, and I was all he had. We were each other’s whole world; everyone else was gone. We had this deep bond, a very special connection … we were each other’s most important person. No matter who else came into our lives, that would never change. And even when someone did come into our lives, well, his life, our bond didn’t change. He found a new woman … way too soon. They were married within three years of my mom’s death. The worst part was that it was like … like he was trying to get me a new mom, to replace my mom. I know he had the best intentions at heart, and that he probably fell in love with this woman or whatever, but to be honest with you, I didn’t care at all. I still don’t. I never loved her, but for the sake of my father, I never hated her either. She’s no one to me and I’ve never let her presence in his life bother me.’

  Akriti looked away from the ceiling and directly at Siddhant, and he couldn’t decide if he should speak, and if he did, what the right thing to say would be. Before he could speak, she turned to the ceiling again.

  ‘I already have a mom. She’s dead, but she’s my mom. This woman isn’t. My dad wanted a wife, so he got himself one, but I didn’t want her. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I never let her come between us. My dad and I had the same special relationship our whole life. We came to a silent agreement that I would never accept her, and he would never push it. I am not mean to her or anything; I just pretend she’s invisible. And now that dad’s dead, she’s dead to me as well. I don’t even know why we’re talking about her. It’s him I miss. I can’t tell you how much I miss him. It’s a permanent stitch in my chest. Never goes away. He was the most important person in my life, the only person who mattered, who was always there for me … and now he’s gone. I have no one.’

  ‘That’s not true,’ Siddhant said automatically, his heart breaking for her. ‘You’re not alone.’

  Akriti finally looked away from the ceiling an
d at Siddhant. A fat teardrop escaped the corner of her eye. ‘You …’ she said. ‘I can’t thank you enough.’

  ‘Don’t thank me at all! Are you kidding me? It’s terrible that you’ve seen so much sadness in your life … experienced so much loss. You deserve people who care about you. And I care about you so much. I want to see you happy. Please don’t disrespect me by thanking me!’

  ‘I love you.’ She said it suddenly, without hesitation. And then, in one swift, assured motion, she pulled him down towards her by the collar of his shirt while her head left the bed and met him halfway as she kissed him. Her lips were soft and warm against his, her eyes closed.

  Siddhant’s body went numb. He couldn’t think. He tasted her lips, pressed against his, he felt her open palm against his cheek, he heard her troubled breaths. Slowly, behind the fog of numbness, a sliver of panic rose. He couldn’t say it back. He couldn’t say ‘I love you’ back.

  As the shock faded and he began to regain his senses, he slowly pulled away from her, breaking the kiss. Looking at her, he saw something – confusion? expectation? sadness? – flicker in her eyes. Panicked, he quickly leaned towards her and planted a kiss on her forehead. He tried to speak, but failed to summon any words that would help either of them.

  Instead, he kissed her forehead again, before falling back down next to her. She didn’t say anything either, so they lay there, holding hands, staring at the ceiling. He was awake long after her breathing slowed down and she fell asleep. He turned to look at her, wishing he could do something to take away some of her sadness.

  He would do a lot of things for her, but he wouldn’t lie to her about loving her.

  Chapter 4

  Three weeks later, Siddhant woke up to his alarm ringing incessantly in his ear. He’d already put it on snooze four times, and couldn’t afford a fifth. Reluctantly, he got out of bed, and like a robot, headed straight into the shower. It was only when he emerged from the bathroom that he saw a single white rose on his bedside table.