Run With Me: (a Sin With Me romantic suspense prequel)

by Lacey Silks

  Dinner passed, and I felt my skin stretch around my navel. If I kept this up, I’d look nine months pregnant in no time. I was already having trouble seeing my toes. Xavier had painted them for me last night, right after a delectable foot massage, of course.

  I frowned.

  Each time I felt something good, whether physical or emotional, the feeling of guilt overwhelmed me. I wanted to share these happy moments with John more than anyone else, but he wasn’t here. I looked over at Xavier, who in the past four months had shown me more affection than I deserved. He was quickly becoming one of the most important men in my life, and I didn’t know how to control the feelings I was having. I appreciated his help, thoughtfulness, and care with all of my heart, but I didn’t know what it all meant.

  “You’re blushing.”

  Mary must have been watching me.

  “What?”

  “I would give anything to know what you’re thinking about.”

  I shook my head. If I knew what all this thinking I was doing meant, I would have explained it to myself.

  “It’s okay, honey. This isn’t new to me. All women think about Xavier.” She rolled her eyes. Part of me thought that secretly Mary liked Xavier more than she could admit, but again, it was a brotherly love; while I thought of Xavier that way as well, that boundary was beginning to blur more each day.

  “He’s an amazing guy.”

  “He is.”

  “Mary, can I ask you a question? Do you know what happened to his son?”

  “I do. Xavier blames himself for Casper’s death. He shouldn’t.”

  “How did he die?”

  “A rare heart disorder. Xavier had just completed his residency when Casper was diagnosed. There was nothing anyone could have done. Xavier put hours, days, and weeks into research and still came up without a solution. It took a toll on both him and Lisa. When you’re with him, I see the old Xavier I used to know – the loving father and husband.”

  “He was married?”

  “No, but they acted like they were. The pregnancy was a surprise, but with Xavier’s medical exams, they never had a chance to make wedding plans. They set a date, but then Casper’s diagnosis came in, and the date was changed from a wedding to a funeral. It broke them both. Xavier wasn’t the only one who blamed himself. Lisa never forgave him. It tore them apart.”

  “I can’t even imagine,” I whispered.

  But I could. I felt his pain. I could even taste it every time my tears slid down my cheek straight into my mouth when I thought about Mikey. And then there was John, who was my only family. We were supposed to be happy, and I had ruined everything.

  I pushed the thought aside. I didn’t want to spoil Cameron’s christening with sad memories, and so I reached into my purse – which of course used to be Mary’s purse – and removed the small box.

  “I’d like you to have this. It’s for Cameron, but he may not be old enough for it yet.”

  “Thank you, Anna. You know you didn’t have to.”

  “I know. I wanted to.”

  Mary opened the box, gently pulling on the delicate ribbon to untie the blue bow. She captured the platinum necklace, looping it over her finger. It dangled there, shining brighter than gold, and I smiled.

  “It’s an angel,” she said. “It’s beautiful.”

  “I had it blessed. It’s Archangel Michael, and he will protect Cameron.”

  “Anna, I… I don’t even know what to say. It’s too expensive.”

  “Too expensive” weren’t exactly words I was used to hearing from Mary. Yes, it was more than I could afford, but Mary and John had given me so much, I had truly bought the gift from my heart; and seeing Mary’s reaction, it was worth every last penny. Tears were streaming down her face. She appeared so overwhelmed with emotion that she could barely catch a breath.

  “Oh, don’t cry. There are enough sad days in our lives as it is. Be happy, Mary. Today is a good day.”

  “I know. Thank you. I’m just so glad that you’re in our lives.”

  There was one other place I’d rather be than here, but this was definitely the next best thing. “And I’m happy to be here. But you know I need to go back home.”

  “Not yet, Anna. Please, I don’t know how I could handle being here on my own.”

  “It wouldn’t be for long; a few days at the most. I need to tell someone about our little one, and I need to do it soon.”

  “Anna, don’t do anything stupid.” She leaned in closer to me, lowering her voice to a whisper. “I know what kind of a man you’re dealing with, and believe you me, you want to be as far away from him with your baby as you can. Nothing’s worth taking a chance if you’re risking your little one.”

  Her words stung. Was I already a bad mother because I wanted to go see John and tell him the truth? Was I being a bad mother by staying away from Pace and not telling this child’s father that he would be one? If he knew where I was, Ben would have dragged me all the way across the country by my hair. I didn’t care about myself, but I wouldn’t let him lay a finger on our baby girl, and since my baby girl would depend on me for a few more years, my life felt a little more precious than before.

  “I wouldn’t risk her. Never.”

  “I know, honey. I know.”

  So why did it feel like it was never the right time to go back to Pace? I prayed for a safe trip there every evening and every morning, but I began to wonder how a trip was supposed to be safe if it wasn’t happening at all.

  When I looked at Mary again, she was looking at me in a funny way, motioning with her eyes to the side. I turned to see Xavier standing beside us. His hand was stretched out as he waited for me to accept it.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “I was wondering if you’d like to dance.”

  “I didn’t know there would be dancing here.”

  “Neither did I, but I couldn’t resist when I saw you in that sunlight. Your hair looks golden. You look like a sunflower.”

  I felt a delicate kick from Mary underneath the table, so I took his hand. The music was slow and I easily recognized the song because it had been playing on the radio every day. As I swayed to the words I want to know what love is, for the first time in my life, I felt the need to feel true love. I needed to feel it from the inside out. I wanted to smile every day, be happy every day, and give this little one in my tummy everything she has ever deserved. When Xavier held me securely in his arms, I could feel a portion of that. Was it because he was holding back? Or was it me, keeping my distance away from him?

  The most difficult question to answer, though, was why I was even considering Xavier not holding back. I loved John. I needed him, and our baby needed him as well. Yet still, the man holding me in his arms had that aura about him that I felt missing in my life. But that was because I missed John, wasn’t it?

  “Tell me more about your family, Xavier.”

  “I would if there were anything to tell. Jack and I were raised in the same foster home. He’s like a brother to me. He’s the only true family I’ve had. You could say it was love at first sight since the moment he shared a piece of his gum with me.”

  “That’s sweet. What about Casper? You lost your baby boy.” My heart ached when I said the words out loud, as if reminding myself that I too had lost one. I felt his body tense against mine, but a fraction of that stress disappeared when I let my fingers gently swipe over his neck above the shirt collar.

  “He was very sick. I wanted to help him, but… I failed him.”

  “Mary says there was nothing anyone could have done.”

  “I was his father. He was counting on me, and I failed him. That’s why it’s so important for you to tell John. He’ll want to be there for his child. He’ll want to protect her as much as I wanted to protect Casper.”

  “I know, and that’s why we should make that trip to Pace before it’s too late. I need to see John. I need to tell him about our baby.”

  He nodded. “I feel like I shoul
d be objecting to this, but I think we can manage. You shouldn’t be afraid, Anna. I wouldn’t risk your life if I didn’t think I could pull this off.”

  “Thank you. I don’t know what I’ll ever be able to do to repay you.”

  “Anyone who deserves your love must be very special.”

  I felt my heart skip a beat. “Do you really think it’s safe?”

  “If it’s not, then I will make it safe.”

  Okay. We’ll make the trip, then.

  Suddenly my heart began beating hard. I was full of nerves, and for a moment I felt as if someone had shot adrenaline straight into my veins.

  “Why are you doing all this? Why are you so good to me?”

  “You’re a very special woman. You deserve to be loved with a whole heart, Anna. If you ever let me, I would love you. I would love you like a man should love a woman; but your soul and your body deserve all my attention, and I can’t give that to you until it can all be accepted. But I’ll wait and I’ll be there in whatever capacity you need me to be.”

  I gasped and felt something wet drip down the inside of my leg. A puddle of water formed on the floor, and my gaze connected with Xavier’s.

  It looked like our plans to travel to Pace would have to wait.

  There’s something sexy about a man holding a baby. Xavier sat in the corner chair by the window where the morning sun shone brightest and warmed that part of the apartment more than any other. Wearing only her diaper, Hope was sleeping on his chest, and I couldn’t stop staring at them both. It was still difficult to believe how much she’d grown during the past four months. Hope had survived against all odds. She survived because Xavier knew a neonatal doctor who’d agreed to give my premature baby a chance when she struggled to breathe. She fought like a true warrior. Her strength reminded me of John’s will and perseverance.

  During the past four months since Hope’s birth, we’d managed to fall into a comfortable routine of having a new baby. No more feeding tubes or late nights at the hospital. No more scary moments when we thought she’d stopped breathing, and no more fears of losing my baby.

  I would still face challenges, but we’d tackle them one at a time. I’d prayed, and therefore believed, that my baby would grow up to be a healthy young woman. I’d pictured her living somewhere in New York, walking around in high heels in a business suit. More and more women were finding their way into the business world, and by the time Hope grew up, she could be anyone she wanted to be, maybe even President.

  That’s what I wanted for her, at least: safety, peace, and opportunities. I wanted her to be as brave as her father and as giving as her godparents, Jack and Mary. Hope had been baptized the day she was born because I didn’t know whether she would survive at all. It was God who gave her the strength to fight, and my friends didn’t even hesitate to agree.

  Looking at her now, sleeping so peacefully, was a dream come true. Except the man I’d imagined holding her that way wasn’t here.

  And then there was Xavier. The man who’d been my constant support. He held my hand when I gave birth to Hope. He wiped my forehead and reassured me that she’d survive. I cried that first night, but Hope gained strength with every hour. She was resilient, just like her father.

  Xavier was where John should have been, and it was my fault that John didn’t know about our daughter.

  “Would it be safe to travel with a baby?” I asked him. Xavier shifted in the sun, and Hope opened her mouth a few times before settling into her sleep again.

  “Travel where?” Xavier kept his gaze on Hope. The corner of his mouth lifted as her eyes moved underneath the eyelids.

  “To Pace. It’s well beyond time to tell John.”

  He kept his attention on Hope as if she were the only one who mattered. She was, of course, and his overly attentive attitude was appreciated, but I had to find a way to tell John.

  “I think you’ve been away from Pace too long and don’t remember why you left.”

  Was he kidding? Of course I remembered. The day I lost Mikey was the worst one of my life, and the anniversary of his death next month wasn’t any easier. I mourned him every night. I prayed for his little soul to reach heaven, and I’d taken my vengeance on his murderer — except now I was beginning to wonder whether burning the house and stealing Ben’s money was worth Hope’s life. Had I avenged one life but risked another?

  But at the time, I was a mother filled with grief who had just lost a child. I wasn’t thinking. I was… mad.

  “Anna, Hope is still so tiny and delicate. We can’t take her with us. She’s gone through so much the past few months with her lungs that the last thing she needs right now is a two-and-a-half-thousand-mile trip. She needs to stay home.”

  I knew that. Of course I did, but… John was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be the one who woke up in the middle of the night to change her diaper. Hope was supposed to stop crying at the sound of John’s voice, not Xavier’s. She was supposed to grow up back home, in Pace, and I was robbing her of that. I’d stolen her father’s first months with her. John would never get those back. He would never see her first smile or know that she liked it when Xavier sang the lyrics to the latest radio hit, Every Breath You Take.

  “This is not her home.” I stomped out of the room and went straight to my bedroom. This wasn’t even my home, and it wasn’t my room. It was a guest bedroom. I was supposed to be on my own by now, caring for my child with John at my side; yet here I was, in Xavier’s apartment, just like I’d been since the first day Jack found me in that alley. I was still grateful that he’d found me. I always would be. I felt like I had everything; yet I was missing the important things that I wanted to have, like John.

  I felt a warm sensation in my chest and lowered my gaze to my leaking breasts.

  “Damn it!”

  I pulled the t-shirt over my head and removed the stained bra, throwing it into the laundry hamper. The pads I’d placed there were soaked. I reached into the drawer for a fresh bra and heard the door squeak. Xavier’s eyes flew open, and I quickly covered my leaking breasts with my palms.

  “I know this is… ” He stopped mid-sentence, startled, staring at me, and I just stood there, open mouthed, confused by the sudden need for a man’s touch as milk dripped from underneath my palms.

  “Xavier… ahm…”

  It didn’t take him long to decide whether to leave the room. The heat of his stare penetrated me to the bone, and it felt so right that I ached to feel that passion I felt emanating from him. Seeing him standing there half-naked, I wanted to be in his arms. I wanted him to hold me, to kiss me and to make this beautiful fairy tale I’d been living in a reality.

  “I’m not sorry for what I’m about to do, but I know that I will be after it’s done.”

  I held my breath and watched him take the three long steps to reach me. He curved his hands over my cheeks and sealed his lips over mine, joining us in a way that I shamefully admitted I’d dreamt about. My arms dropped to the sides and my breasts found their resting place against his hard chest. The ache in my nipples increased at the touch of his skin, which was lightly sprinkled with hair. Our mouths sealed, one over the other, joining in a dance that neglected the rest of the world.

  Hope’s soft cry from the family room pulled us apart and Xavier let go. I felt empty and naked at the loss of contact, completely unfulfilled.

  “I’m not sorry.” He shook his head as he stepped away, back toward the door. “Because it felt too right. But this is the only time this will happen, Anna. I promise that I won’t touch you again unless you ask me to.”

  Touch me, I thought. Please touch me.

  I slowly lowered my gaze to my bare chest. My nipples stood tall, calling out Xavier’s name. The ache to rub against his hard chest kept them erect and in need. Suddenly the lower part of my body felt as deprived as the top, and the heating sensation between my legs was beginning to be unbearable. I finally reached for a t-shirt and pulled it over my head just before he left to ch
eck on Hope.

  Bracing my hands on the chest drawer, I took a deep breath in and then released it.

  What just happened?

  My heart was racing, my legs were shaking, and my mind was spinning with impure thoughts about a man who wasn’t even emotionally available.

  I love John.

  I quickly pulled my hair into a bun and went to the kitchen. Wearing his jogging pants, Xavier was sitting on the living room couch. His elbows were resting on his knees and he was holding his head between his hands. I grabbed a pen and dated the last bag of milk I’d pumped earlier before placing it in the freezer.

  “Xavier?”

  “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “I should look for a place this week.”

  His head flew up. “I like having you here. I like having Hope here as well.”

  “I know, but this isn’t good for you or me. We can’t be together. We won’t be together because I love John. He’s Hope’s father.”

  “I know, Anna. I know.” Pained sadness filled his eyes, and I realized that my words hurt him.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, and turned around to head to my room.

  “What are you sorry for?” he asked before I could leave.

  I moved past the dining table and took a turn to sit on the couch beside Xavier. The only thing as bad as not having John here with me would be to have one of the few people I could count on be upset with me.

  “I’m sorry for bringing chaos into your life,” I said.

  “The only things you brought into my life are love and hope. Live for today, remember? That’s why I’m not sorry for kissing you. I never will be. My palate can finally validate that you taste like a sunflower. And all I have left to do now is hope for tomorrow.”