My Other Half

by S Michelle

  If Sam’s night out hadn’t been cancelled at the last minute, he wouldn’t have found Gabe in time. I sat and stared at my brother, my other half, for the rest of the evening. Sam was still there, but I couldn’t talk to him. I didn’t really care how much he was hurting too. He had taken my heart away and then hadn’t protected it like I would have. He didn’t treasure it like me. His heart didn’t beat in time just to hear Gabe’s beat too.

  * * *

  Sometime after—I thought it might have been later that night—Gabe was transferred to the Intensive Care Unit. The doctor explained that it was just temporary until they were happy that all the meds were out of his system and there was no long-term damage. Several nurses and doctors introduced themselves to me and talked about options without the medications. Counselling. Different types of therapies. I think they talked about support groups and counselling for his family, but I’m not really sure. It was like they were all talking through a tunnel. I could hear the sounds, but the messages were echoing and unclear.

  * * *

  The following morning, a groan woke me up. I thought it was from me for a moment until I heard it again. Gabe was moving his head from side to side, and he was trying to open his eyes. He tried to lift his arms, but with so many tubes, I didn’t think that was a good idea.

  “Gabe. G. It’s me. It’s Tom. I’m here. Please don’t move your arms. You’re okay. Just let me get the nurse.”

  He froze. His eyes stayed closed, and if I hadn’t seen the movement of his Adam’s apple when he swallowed, I would have panicked. I reached for the nurse’s call button and then continued to talk to my baby brother, even though he didn’t move. I murmured how much I loved him and that he was safe. Before the sound of the door distracted me, I saw the tears start to escape down the side of his face.

  * * *

  The nurse asked me to step outside. I started to protest, but Gabe screwed his eyes even tighter shut, and I relented. I waited, for what seemed like hours. Eventually, the nurse and a doctor that I didn’t recognise came out and explained that the breathing tube had been taken out. Neurologically, he appeared well, but Gabe would be staying with them for a little while before moving down to the mental health inpatient ward and had asked for no visitors during this time. I thought that was probably for the best. He didn’t need a bunch of our friends in here while he was recovering. The doctor seemed surprised that I agreed. But when I turned and reached for the door to go back inside, the doctor reached for my arm. “I’m sorry. I know this must be incredibly hard. But I have to respect his wishes.”

  I frowned at him for a moment, until realisation hit me like a wall of bricks. “But—no. I’m not a visitor. I’m his brother. No, he didn’t mean me.”

  The doctor continued with a look of sympathy. “I’m sorry, Thomas. We will make sure he has a support network and counselling set up before he leaves, but I can’t make that be you if that isn’t what he chooses.”

  * * *

  I honestly had no idea how I got home from the hospital.

  * * *

  Sam texted a few times to give me updates. He hadn’t seen Gabe either but had spoken to his doctor a few times. Every day I thought about calling Mum and Dad. Every day I decided I would make the call the next day.

  2

  The day Gabe was due to be released from the hospital, I still hadn’t heard a word. Sam told me it was today, but I still hadn’t heard from Gabe. My phone rang as I was pouring a tea. It was still reasonably early, but I hadn’t been able to sleep. As usual.

  “Hello, Tom speaking.”

  “Mr. Carrington?” a young female voice asked. The voice was familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it.

  “Speaking.”

  “Excellent. This is Dr. Fallon. We met a couple of weeks ago. I’m one of your brother’s doctors.”

  “Gabe! Is he okay? What’s wrong?”

  “No. No. Nothing is wrong. Sorry if I alarmed you. I’m not sure if you are aware, but Gabriel is due to go home today, and we are having a meeting with his housemate when he comes to pick him up. After much discussion over the past week, Gabriel has agreed that perhaps you should be there as well.”

  “Yes!” I exclaimed. “Sorry, I mean yes, of course. Where? When? I mean, are you sure?”

  “Yes, quite sure, Thomas. I know it’s short notice, but would nine AM be possible for you?”

  I glanced at the clock, doing the maths in my head. I had to hurry if I was going to make it there on time, but I agreed.

  Walking into the meeting room, I was so nervous, my stomach ached. I froze when I saw him. He was sitting with his hands on the table, his shoulders slumped and his head low. I ached to go over to him and pull him into my arms. I needed to hold him so fucking badly. I needed to hold him and protect him. I didn’t even know what I was protecting him from, but the urge was nearly overwhelming. But I didn’t. I did take an extra moment to study him. He looked restless and small. But at least his colour was back. He looked alive.

  I startled when Sam cleared his throat and nodded towards an empty chair. The meeting was uneventful. Basically, Gabe explained he understood where things went wrong for him. He allowed his workload at uni to get on top of him, and it wouldn’t happen again. We discussed his support system, the contacts for emergency help, and the appointments he had with a psychologist. I listened intently, so grateful to be there. I nodded each time the doctor glanced at me and tried to remember everything they said. Sam, however, sat there staring at his hands, his jaw ticking, and I start to get annoyed with him.

  I walked to the car with Sam and Gabe. Gabe hugged me briefly and apologised yet again for being a burden, promising he wouldn’t do anything stupid. I wished more than anything that I believed him.

  I saw Gabe three times over the next two weeks. Each time, he assured me he was doing well. And he did seem a little better, but he wasn’t smiling. Not at me, not at other people. If I was the only thing making him unhappy, I could have given him space. I would give him anything to know he was smiling again. His smile was like the sun, bright and warm and made me feel alive. Nothing in this world made me feel like that smile.

  I spoke to Sam every day. The calls were always short. I asked how Gabe was, and he told me that he was fine, going to his appointments but not really doing anything else. Yes, he was eating. No, he wasn’t getting out of the house. Yes, he had seen the psychologist several times. No, it didn’t seem to be helping.

  I don’t remember going to classes for the next few weeks, but according to Dean, I did. I don’t think it came as a surprise to Dean or me when my results were withheld, pending a meeting with the Head of the course a few weeks later at the end of the semester. Sam had evidently forwarded Gabe’s medical certificates to the school, and since we were both studying in the same course, they were aware there was an issue, but as I had attended classes and apparently even sat exams, they hadn’t realised the extent of the issue until the results made it clear things were worse than anyone was aware.

  I didn’t care. I tried. I tried so fucking hard. But getting up and getting dressed took everything out of me. I had nothing more. I asked Dean to sit in on the meeting as my support person because I wasn’t sure that I would remember later what happened. How the hell did I explain to Mum and Dad that I failed all my classes and had to re-sit the semester, when I hadn’t told them what was happening with Gabe? What if I was thrown out?

  I had stood outside the Design in Architecture building with Dean, in silence for a few minutes before I had calmed myself enough to go in. The head of the department was far more reasonable than I expected, and given Gabe’s medical issues, along with my previous results, they were happy to consider it exceptional circumstances. I still had to do supplementary exams for couple of my subjects and accept a conceded pass in two others, but it could have been worse.

  Later in the week, Sam seemed a bit more positive later when I spoke to him. Apparently, Gabe had changed therapists, and this one seemed to be
making a difference. Sam said Gabe even asked how I was doing. I mean, he hadn’t asked me, but it was something, right? Yeah, it was definitely something.

  I popped into the shops to grab some new wax for my snowboard—and I might have gotten a little distracted by some new boots that I knew I shouldn’t get, but really, really needed—when I heard Sam’s voice. “Gabe, try it on. It won’t kill you…. Um, fuck… sorry… just try the fucking thing on…… Yeah, see, I told you. It looks great.”

  I walked around the goggles display, trying to decide whether to say hello or not, when Gabe replied in a quiet voice. “I really like it, but…. But no… I mean… it, um…”

  “It what?” Sam asked him, clearly exasperated.

  “It would look better on Tom,” was the quiet response.

  My breath caught in my throat, and I turned to escape back behind the goggles, but in my haste, I knocked one of the displays. Cursing, I tried in vain to grab the goggles as they tumbled to the floor.

  “Tom?” I closed my eyes for a moment before turning around. His voice was still so small, so unsure.

  I plastered a smile on my face as I turned. “Hi, guys. How are you?”

  Sam waited for Gabe to answer, knowing he was the one I was talking to.

  He didn’t smile, but he looked me in the eyes a couple of times, albeit very briefly as he answered, which felt like a huge victory. “I’m fine. Good. I mean—I’m good.”

  I smiled in reply and was going to politely excuse myself, but Gabe continued to talk. “You looking at new boots? Didn’t you get new ones last year?”

  I just stared at him for a moment. It was the first time in a long while Gabe had spoken to me without responding to a question. I couldn’t remember the last time he instigated a conversation. When he shuffled his feet, I realised I hadn’t responded yet, and I looked at the boots, then back to Gabe. “No, no, I, um, I was just grabbing some wax, and well, you know what I’m like…”

  “… I know what you’re like...” He said it in time with me, and we both chuckled, awkwardly. I didn’t care about the awkward. I would take awkward any day of the week if it came with that chuckle. And that look. I didn’t know what it was, but it made my stomach feel warm. After another few seconds of no one speaking, Gabe made his excuses, and they turned to leave.

  I practically skipped back to the car and felt high as a kite for the rest of the night.

  Dean was so excited when he came home the night before we were to head to Perisher to go snowboarding. He was grinning like a lunatic, swanning around telling me about the new clothes he bought to wear down there. He started to describe how his yet-to-be-found Daddy would remove each item of clothing.

  I had to cut him off there. “I’m glad you’re excited, but way too much info. And I don’t care if we have rooms at opposite ends of the lodge. If you find a Daddy for the night, you are going back to his house. I cannot hear you begging him to take the cage off and let you come. I almost needed therapy last time. Not again. Not in my place.”

  He tried to pout, but couldn’t pull it off while trying not to smile. He bounced on his feet a couple more times before he burst out: “Sam and Gabe are coming!”

  “Huh?”

  “Sam and Gabe are coming with us,” he repeated slowly. “They kept saying they weren’t sure, so I didn’t want to say anything, but now they are coming.” He squealed. “It’s going to be perfect. I can’t wait.”

  3

  I was stunned. Gabe actually agreed to come. I wanted to get excited, but I was scared it would all get snatched away when he changed his mind again. I tried to remain calm and wait and see if he actually came with us.

  The next morning, Dean said Sam and Gabe were driving down a bit later in the day. I resigned myself to the fact that he will probably bail. He seemed really good when we were in a big group, but maybe this would be asking too much. The drive was long and boring for the most part. We tried listening to music and chatting, but I was restless and distracted. Eventually, Dean put on a podcast from some guys he listened to a bit. I didn’t really get who they were, but listening to their story about travelling in Poland and getting scammed at a Polish strip joint was funny enough to keep me distracted. Eventually, along with the million other cars, we got through the traffic chaos of Jindabyne and pulled into the driveway of my parents’ lodge. Multiple buildings on the property were rented out, along with an onsite manager, but our private lodge was a distance away from the others. As we came over the rise, I relaxed, taking in the stunning stone-and-wood building with a light dusting of snow on the grass and roof. I smiled, just a little. Gabe and I had always enjoyed coming here. So many winters spent riding the slopes and playing in the snow as kids.

  * * *

  After we unpacked and double checked the onsite manager had delivered the groceries we requested, we headed outside to set up the fire pit and take the cover off the spa.

  Several hours and three or four glasses of wine later, the sound of doors closing made my heart race. I looked through the glass wall to see them hauling their bags in and Sam turned towards the east wing guest bedrooms and Gabe headed towards the west wing were our bedrooms were. I heaved a sigh of relief. Until I saw him with my own eyes, I really hadn’t expected him to come. Maybe, just maybe, this couple of weeks would be good for us. Even with Sam and Dean here, and my parents coming for a few days next weekend before they headed back to London, this was still the most privacy we had had for a really long time.

  Sam and Gabe took a minute to realise we were outside with the lights on inside and the sun nearly set. Sam smiled and greeted us both with side hugs, avoiding getting too wet, before going to grab two more glasses and another bottle of wine. Gabe followed him out. His smile was a little awkward, but at least it was an effort.

  “You guys coming in?”

  “No, no,” Gabe replied quickly.

  I shrugged. “No worries. We are pruning up anyway. Probably time to get out.” I stood and stepped out of the spa.

  Gabe gasped; his awkward smile turned into an almost pained look.

  I looked down at myself. Dean and I had hopped in the spa in briefs because we were too lazy to unpack yet. I looked up with a chuckle and opened my mouth to explain, but Gabe shoved his hands in his jeans pockets and turned abruptly, mumbling something about his phone nearly being out of battery. I shrugged and ran into the house to dry and dress.

  * * *

  That evening we sat around the fire pit listening to music, chatting on and off, but mainly simply enjoying the peace and quiet. Gabe didn’t blatantly ignore me, but he avoided making eye contact and sat leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, staring at the fire. His eyes reflected the red of the glowing flames. He was the first to head to bed, saying it had been a long week.

  Once he was out of earshot, I sat next to Sam. “Long week? Anything I should know?”

  He sighed. “I don’t know. He seems okay. I mean, I don’t think he is going to hurt himself or anything. He has been really well, actually. I just wish he would open up to somebody.”

  I was surprised. “He doesn’t talk to you?”

  Sam took a moment to answer. I could almost feel the gears turning.

  * * *

  “Yes and no. He talks, just not about what’s really going on. I know if I broach the subject he will shut down. This new psychologist seems great, though. Gabe doesn’t tell me much, but he seems lighter. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I can’t think of how else to explain it. I desperately hope he gets to a place where he can talk to one of us. Preferably you.”

  * * *

  I frowned. “What do you mean preferably me?”

  He shook his head. “Nothing. It’s just that … I think that not talking to you is hurting him more than not talking to me. I love him, and this is killing me, but I have no idea what to do.”

  Love him? He loves him? What the fuck?

  My jaw was clenched to the point that my teeth hurt, but I didn’t realize u
ntil Sam shook my shoulder. “You what?” I growl at him.

  But he laughed. Not the response I expected. “Interesting. And I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not in love with him. It wouldn’t matter if I was. He has never seen me like that and never will. I love him as a friend. That’s it.”

  * * *

  The next two days were spent snowboarding in the morning and coming back mid-afternoon, either to laze in the spa or head over to Wild Brumby Brewery for a late lunch and Schnapps tasting. Gabe and I even managed small talk on the lift a couple of times, which didn’t seem so small to me.

  * * *

  Wednesday morning started out well. The sun was bright, and a decent snowfall overnight added to the nice base. Thankfully, we got up early and got some good rides in because the wind started to come in around lunchtime. Dean and I decided it might be time to head home for the day, but when Sam and Gabe joined us, Gabe begged for one more run. Given how long it had been since he asked me for anything, even a blizzard wouldn’t have made me say no. Dean wasn’t so agreeable, saying his lips were chafing and he had plans for them later, so he headed back to the car to meet us there.