by Jemma Forte
Susan nodded.
Jennifer swallowed hard. ‘Sometimes I lie awake at night, listening to Max snore, and I start to feel panic rising, start wondering if I should be grabbing my life with two hands and giving it an almighty shake because I can’t think of anything worse than looking in the mirror in another ten years’ time and thinking, well, you’ve had it now. You’ve lost the opportunity to make yourself truly happy and I don’t want to die wondering what could have been.’
Jennifer blinked, determined not to cry.
Susan looked terribly sympathetic. ‘And what else?’
‘I think it’s a stage that shouldn’t be mocked because it’s actually terribly hard and I can’t bear what I’m turning into. I’ve spent most of this week daydreaming about my past, wondering what life might have been like if I’d made different decisions, or perhaps stayed with other men I’ve loved. And it’s scary because I should be happy but I’m not so then that makes me feel selfish and guilty which is even more depressing. I can’t even eat at the moment. I’ve lost a stone in a year but I just want to be happy, Susan. I want to get out of this mire. I want to know that I’ve led my life in a positive way and that I haven’t missed out and most of all, when I ask the question “Is this it?” I want to feel like if it is then that’s OK.’
Speech over, the room fell completely silent, apart from the ticking of Susan’s clock on the wall. The clock was in the shape of a cow which had always struck Jennifer as slightly absurd. What did cows have to do with time? It’s not like they needed to be anywhere.
Now she’d finished, Jennifer wasn’t entirely sure where her outburst had come from but actually she felt better for it, if a little embarrassed. She watched the dust motes swirling in the shaft of light that was pouring through the window.
Thirty more seconds of silence passed and Jennifer could feel her face going red. She sat on her hands as she waited for Susan’s response and hoped that when it came that it wouldn’t be one which would belittle everything she’d just expressed. She hoped Susan had been listening properly. If she had been, then she’d know she wouldn’t want to be patronised with something along the lines of ‘well how does that all make you feel?’
It took an age but finally Susan’s response did come and when it did it couldn’t have been more unpredictable.
‘Well at least you’re thin.’
Jennifer turned in amazement, wondering if her therapist was taking the piss. However, when she caught Susan’s eye she was rewarded with a reassuring, wholly understanding wink.
‘There is that,’ she replied, acknowledging Susan’s joke with a watery smile. ‘Being a size ten again is pretty good.
‘On a serious note though, I want you to know that I for one respect everything you’re feeling. This is a really tough chapter in your life. I also want you to have a think this week about what you think the root cause of your unhappiness might be. I can tell that your soul is yearning for some change at the moment, but have you ever considered that by changing what you’ve already got that you might simply be swapping one set of problems for another?’
Jennifer cocked her head to one side as she thought about this. This was more like it. This was what she came to therapy and paid forty pounds a time for. What Susan had just said was actually very interesting.
‘And, do you not think that whilst you and Max certainly have some work to do on aspects of your relationship, rather than this being all about him, this is actually about you. It’s about you working out what you want, about figuring out who Jennifer is and what makes you happy. Because until you can be happy in yourself I don’t think anybody else can fill that gap for you.’
‘Susan?’
‘Yes?’
‘Do you ever think that perhaps life should be full of change?’
‘What do you mean exactly?’
‘Well, why does convention dictate that we should expect to find a relationship which will last forever? Maybe every relationship has a different life span? Perhaps we’re supposed to be with different people for certain periods of our lives and as we change and our needs develop, the person we should be with should change too? I think people who find one person who makes them happy their entire life, more than anything, just got lucky.’
Susan pondered this for a while. ‘Are you trying to tell me there’s someone specific you’re considering a change with?’
‘No,’ said Jennifer hurriedly, ‘I’m not. There isn’t anyone in my life except Max. In fact, lately I’ve spent more time harking back to the past as opposed to thinking about anyone in the present.’
‘Give me an example.’
‘Well, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the boyfriend I went out with before Max. He was called Steve. I actually met Max at a party we were at together, and was convinced Max and I were far more suited. Yet I’m pretty sure that Max has never loved me as much as Steve did. Perhaps if I’d stayed with him I wouldn’t be feeling like this right now? Perhaps if I hadn’t given Max my number at that party I would still be with Steve and living very happily?’
‘Or perhaps you’d be with Steve and wondering if you should have gone off with Max while you had the chance? It’s impossible to say,’ mused Susan, ‘and it’s also very difficult to reflect on the past and remember how we truly felt at the time when our perception is so coloured by the present.’
‘Mm,’ agreed Jennifer, who was pretty sure this would be one of those comments she’d need to go away and think about before making up her mind.
‘Perhaps for next week you should concentrate on trying to reconnect with Max again. Try telling him how you’re feeling. I think you could be surprised by the results.’
‘Really?’
‘Really,’ said Susan kindly and it occurred to Jennifer that she hadn’t wanted to punch her in the face for a whole twenty minutes. Progress. This was a pretty good session.
‘I tried to seduce him last week but it failed miserably,’ admitted Jennifer for no other reason than the memory had just popped into her head.
‘How do you mean failed? Could he not perform?’
Jennifer wrinkled up her nose, embarrassed. ‘No, nothing like that. I just got all dressed up in a bid to make an effort but he didn’t even come upstairs to see me when he got home from work so I gave up.’
‘OK,’ said Susan. ‘So Max wasn’t actually aware that you were trying to seduce him?’
‘No.’
‘So what you were really upset about wasn’t being rejected, but the fact that when he got home from work he didn’t seek you out?’
‘I suppose so,’ sighed Jennifer.
‘Well, perhaps you need to tell him what your needs are. He may be totally unaware of how you’re feeling and he at least deserves the chance to put things right. No?’
Jennifer shrugged. She almost preferred it when Susan remained impartial.
‘How are the anti-depressants going?’
‘I’ve stopped taking them,’ admitted Jennifer.
‘Why?’
Another shrug.
‘OK, well it’s not for me to tell you what you do but I strongly recommend you go back to your doctor and discuss that with him. If you are suffering from depression you need to give them a chance to work.’
‘I don’t think I need them,’ said Jennifer.
‘What do you think you need?’ Susan asked softly.
‘I think, after having talked to you today that I need to talk to Max properly and to try and set aside some time for us to perhaps go away and attempt to sort things out.’
‘That sounds like a very positive idea.’
A while later Jennifer left Susan’s house feeling considerably better than she had when she’d first arrived. There was clearly not going to be an overnight solution to how she was feeling. She still had a lot of thinking to do and it would take time, but one thing she could take control of was trying to save her marriage. It felt like a step in the right direction.
PRESENT DAY
>
Jennifer’s brain was beginning to slowly recover from the accident. Most of the time she was still existing in her otherworldly state. However, these periods were now interspersed with short spells during which her consciousness allowed her to connect properly with the here and now.
After tunnel number two had shut behind her for the last time Jennifer had been beside herself with distress. She’d experienced love on a level she hadn’t previously known was possible and then she’d died. It was all so incredibly painful.
She’d been so distraught and grief-stricken that when that depth of emotion had coincided with reality it had been too much to cope with, causing her to suffer a seizure. The machines bleeping had signified the second when her brain had truly engaged with the enormity of what would have happened in France had she chosen that path in life.
Ever since, she’d felt like a wounded animal. Her body was getting stronger though and refused to give up its battle for recovery. This, coupled with willpower and emotional resilience she never previously would have given herself credit for, meant that eventually Jennifer was ready to consider her next move. It was that or give up, but her instinct to survive was stronger. So she’d decided that she had to hold onto the fact that the painful outcome in France hadn’t been her true fate, or the one she’d really chosen. It was utterly tragic but thank god none of it had come to pass. Those children didn’t lose a mother because they didn’t really exist. Joe didn’t lose the love of his life. Only then it occurred to her that he might actually exist in the real world…but the idea was too mind boggling to even contemplate.
She turned her attentions and focus to the fact that there was still another tunnel to explore. Tunnel number three was beckoning to her. Its light entranced her, beguiled her and promised something completely different to the experience she’d just had. This would be her life with Steve. With sweet, good looking, gentle Steve. Surely this life would have been more straightforward? The first two tunnels were completely sealed off. The third was waiting and shining brighter than ever.
TUNNEL NUMBER THREE
What Could Have Been—Steve
Steve whistled appreciatively. ‘You look stunning, babe. Absolutely stunning. Let me take a picture.’
Jennifer struck a pose. Hands on hips she stared suggestively down the lens of his digital camera.
‘Flipping heck,’ said Steve, looking at the result. ‘Check you out.’
Jennifer came over to have a look and had to admit it was a good one. She looked quite the vamp.
‘Doesn’t she look like a model, Mum?’
‘Ooh she does,’ agreed June, frantically dusting and arranging her commemorative plates in one of her glass-fronted cabinets. She’d bought the entire set on QVC a fortnight ago and had been beside herself with excitement when they’d arrived earlier. There were eight plates in total and each one depicted a different member of the Royal family at various events. The one which featured Princess Beatrice grinning inanely had become a secret favourite in an ‘it’s so bad it’s good’ sort of way.
‘Lovely colour. I like you in brights.’
‘Thanks,’ said Jennifer, who was pleased with her new dress. She felt sexy in it. It was bright pink, quite fitted and showed off her figure. Being with Steve these last couple of years had given her a newfound confidence in her body. He complimented her every day and always seemed to mean it sincerely. He always noticed when she’d had her hair done, or when she was wearing something new and had an opinion on what he liked her in which she found very sexy. Yes it was important to dress for yourself, but it was an added bonus if how you looked made your boyfriend want to take your clothes off. He hadn’t asked her yet but one day Jennifer suspected that if ever they got that far, it might make shopping for a wedding dress far easier too because he was even able to verbalise his idea of a beautiful looking bride (hair up, dress which wasn’t too big). Though having said that, whenever he alluded to their future together, a few doubts had started to creep in recently. For a long time now Steve had just assumed they’d stay together forever but seemed to have forgotten along the way to ask her what she felt about this.
‘Right, Mum, I’ll see you soon. I’ll be staying at Jen’s for the next few nights or so,’ said Steve, grabbing his jacket.
‘Oh really? All right then love,’ said June, looking downcast.
‘What?’
‘No, no it’s nothing,’ said June, rearranging Prince Andrew into a more prominent position and relegating Princess Anne firmly to the back. She had a most definite pecking order.
Jennifer tried to ignore the nugget of irritation which was building in her stomach. She hated it when people said ‘nothing’ when clearly there was ‘something’. With June there was always ‘something’.
‘Come on,’ cajoled Steve, his voice laden with patience like he was talking to a small child. ‘Let’s be having it. There’s obviously something on your mind and we’re not leaving for this party till you’ve spat it out.’
Jennifer didn’t necessarily agree with this last statement. If June took too long she for one would definitely be off.
‘Honestly, it’s nothing.’
‘Mum…’
‘No, it’s silly really,’ said June, ‘it’s just I assumed you were coming back here so I went and got everything in for a roast tomorrow.
Steve looked stricken. ‘Oh no, did you?’
Eager to leave, Jennifer quickly assessed the situation. ‘I tell you what,’ she chimed in, ‘why don’t we just crash at mine tonight as planned? That way we don’t have to spend a fortune on a taxi or leave the party early, but then we could always come back here tomorrow for lunch couldn’t we?’
‘But what about you getting to work on Monday, babe?’
Damn. To be fair Jennifer hadn’t totally thought that one through but she could hardly backtrack now. ‘Hmm, well…I guess I’ll either have to go back home tomorrow night or I could just leave here very, very early on Monday morning.’
She was rewarded for her peacekeeping efforts with a ridiculously grateful smile from Steve who she knew hated upsetting his mum. The two of them were extremely close and it was just another aspect of Steve’s comparative warmth she’d always appreciated and had been surprised by when they’d first got together. Tim had barely given his mum the time of day. He’d never been able to get her off the phone quick enough, always answering her questions with bullet points and hardly ever bothering to enquire after her. But Steve checked in with June daily and told her everything. They had an amazing relationship really, although lately Jennifer had found herself wishing he’d stick up for himself a bit more when she was being bossy. Sometimes it seemed like she had her son wrapped around her acrylic nailed little finger.
‘Really?’ said June. ‘You’d come back tomorrow? It’s just since Derek and I split up Sundays can be so lonely. But only come if it’s not a pain.’
It would be a pain. A massive pain. Jennifer had been desperately excited about spending a rare day in bed doing nothing. Now they’d be trekking across town with hangovers, but to hell with it, at least she wouldn’t have to cope with Steve feeling guilty and fretting about his mum all day. Plus they’d get fed.
‘Course it isn’t a pain,’ said Steve. ‘How could it be a pain when it involves having one of your roasts?’
Jennifer cringed.
‘What roast is it anyway?’
‘Your favourite,’ said June. ‘Beef.’
Steve pulled a face similar to the one he made during orgasm, sort of cross-eyed with bliss. He rubbed his hands together. ‘Nice one, Mum. Can’t wait. Right my gorgeous, shall we go?’
On the tube, Steve thanked Jennifer profusely. ‘I’m so sorry babe, I know you were really looking forward to lying in all day. It’s so kind what you did and so typical of you to be so unselfish.’
‘That’s all right,’ said Jennifer. ‘As long as you promise me that next time you’ll make it totally clear, days in advance, that we’re definitely n
ot coming back. So she doesn’t get all that bloody food in.’
‘Hmm,’ said Steve, looking torn, clearly debating whether or not he should be divulging what he was about to tell her next. ‘Actually, I kind of did to be honest, but I think she just loves having us around so much she chose to forget.’
Jennifer wished Steve hadn’t told her this. If June had in fact manipulated them into coming back to Leytonstone tomorrow it was actually very irritating, especially since she was now facing a horrible trek to work on Monday. Suddenly she felt far less inclined to be doing June the favour. Dammit.
Steve picked up her hand and gave it a little squeeze. ‘I’ll make it up to you, babe.’
Jennifer took a deep breath, and tried not to let anything ruin the night. She’d been looking forward to this party for ages. It was Esther’s boyfriend Toby’s best mate’s party and promised to be a really good night. According to Esther there was going to be an amazing DJ, loads of booze, plus all her best friends would be there. Toby was a good laugh too so his mates were bound to be up for it.
‘You know what my mum’s like,’ persevered Steve. He could tell Jennifer was fed up. ‘Like I said she just loves our company and you know how lonely she gets.’
‘I know,’ said Jennifer, only she couldn’t quite leave it at that. Usually she never dared criticise the mother-ship but today it felt warranted. ‘Only perhaps, just occasionally, you could try putting me first? After all, we do spend a lot of time bending over backwards to make sure she’s happy and if I’d known she was being sneaky I would never have offered to go back tomorrow. You always go on about how she wants to see both of us, but it’s kind of annoying because she doesn’t really. She wants to see you. Not me.’