Happily Ever After: The Life-Changing Power of a Grateful Heart

by Sutter, Trista

  Flash forward to last night: same girl, different table. This time there was more than charred cod between us. Three kids, two dogs, houses, cars, mortgages, jobs, grey hairs and so much life packed into those years. One of the best parts about my life is that I’m still mesmerized when I look across the table.

  I will love this girl every day of my life—and be grateful for the opportunity.

  Based on this new research, I have a feeling that as long as Erik holds on to that gratitude, and he and Kim continue to pass it back and forth between them, the cycle of happiness will last much longer than the decade-plus they have been married. And if my son, Max, has his way, he’s going to marry Bella, their sweet daughter. Erik isn’t so crazy about envisioning his six-year-old walking down the aisle just yet, but if Max keeps his sights set on her, I have every confidence that in his in-laws he would have wonderful marital role models. Role models with hearts full of gratitude.

  WARM TOES = A WARM HEART

  Holidays are among the best times of the year to show you care. I’m definitely a fan of thoughtfully expressing your love on the days that aren’t related to a holiday, but at the very least, the days of celebration in your culture should be recognized with appropriate gifts. And if you give from a place of love, odds are that the recipient will lovingly accept your gift. Remember the wise words of author Eileen Elias Freeman: “It isn’t the size of the gift that matters, but the size of the heart that gives it.”

  When Ryan and I were first together, we were having a casual conversation about gifts. He asked me to name the worst gift I had ever received: socks. As a lifetime wearer of plain white socks, I just never saw the appeal. People usually can’t see them, so why go to the effort? But in that moment, I realized that I had just cast my line out into a sea of cheesy foot coverings and would no doubt be reeling some in the next chance my future husband got.

  It turned out that he got that opportunity during our first secret rendezvous arranged by the producers of The Bachelorette. We were holed up in a little apartment in Los Angeles and decided that since we weren’t contractually allowed to be together on December 25, we would make the most of the time we were being given to exchange gifts before Santa got on his sleigh. Lo and behold, box after bag after bag after box was filled with what I had told him were my least favorite gifts, accompanied by a few hats as well. I had never appreciated them before, but Ryan changed all that—especially after I read the silly poem he wrote to go with them:

  Why Socks?

  Everybody loves diamonds, rings, chains of gold

  But what good are diamonds when your feet get cold.

  Oh no, there can only be two things for that.

  A good pair of socks and a stocking hat.

  One hat should do, but when it comes to socks,

  They get dirty quick . . . you may need a box.

  At least a drawer full. Pair upon pair.

  Keep them in a drawer, next to your underwear.

  I appreciate the little things, the socks of this life.

  So I’ll never forget the importance of my fiancée or wife.

  Think of them not as a gift, but a guarantee

  That I’ll always love you . . . warm, soft, and wool-free.

  Think about how many times you’ve been given a gift that couldn’t have been further from your style. You say thank you, but not for what you just opened. You say it because your mama taught you proper manners and because you know that the old cliché about it being the thought that counts was spot on.

  That Christmas I didn’t really want or need a drawer full of comical and cozy socks. Every time I unwrapped another pair, though, my laughter became more genuine and my heart more full. He had managed to show me that it was truly the little things that could make me feel the most love. And to this day, the little things are what I cherish the most.

  A BLESSED BROKEN ROAD

  When I first heard the song “Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts, it was instantly one of my all-time favorites. If you’ve heard neither their version nor the original recording by Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, head to iTunes and take a listen. It’s a poignant song about how all relationships, especially the ones that shatter our hearts into teeny-tiny pieces, lead us to the one we are ultimately meant to find.

  Every time I hear it, I can’t help but feel it was written for me, and I’m positive that I’m not alone. Many of us can relate to it, and for good reason. Like millions of other fans, I’ve had my share of eye-opening heartbreak on the path to finding the love of my life.

  It all started in high school with the first boy I ever loved. I met him in the seventh grade and we became a pair the next year. He was the life of any party, with all-American good looks, a charming personality, a loving mother, a bright future on the football field, and friends in every corner of the school. For about five years, we rode the roller coaster of a high school relationship, going from boyfriend/girlfriend, to boy-interested-in-other-girls/girl-still-infatuated-with-boy-and-acting-like-she’s-not, back to boyfriend/girlfriend, then to just friends, and so on and so on. No matter our status, I wanted to be with him.

  My diaries from that time period are filled with hearts and smiley faces, even when he either intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. I was so blinded by puppy love that I couldn’t see the bottom line: he wasn’t as in love with me as I was with him. It didn’t matter if he had moved on to a girl from a rival high school, or was dating one of my close friends. If he gave me even a morsel of sweet attention, I clung to it, and I’m pretty sure he knew I would.

  For most of those five years, I allowed my boyfriend/friend/subject of infatuation to motivate my decisions and most of my happiness, and as it tends to do if we aren’t paying close enough attention, history repeated itself. This time it was with a guy I met during my second year of graduate school. He was new to the University of Miami physical therapy program, and I was new to the single world after ending a two-year relationship. We hit it off and stayed together for nearly two years, but a string of straws in the form of tangible evidence that he was less than faithful broke this camel’s back.

  One straw was a handwritten letter from one of his lady “friends” who had been visiting while I was away, saying “be good, or at least be good until we can be bad together.” Other straws included pictures I found of him on spring break dancing in a not-so-innocent way with a girl I had never seen before, and a chain of e-mail messages that discussed what he and his best friend jokingly called “orgy at the Colony.” The Colony was the apartment complex where we lived together, and the weekend they were discussing inviting over a bevy of beauties was one that I had invited him to a wedding and he’d declined, saying his sister would be visiting. Yep, he played the family card, and yep, I bought it.

  I continued to deny my instincts and trust that the love I felt for him was mutual. But his actions repeatedly showed me that I wasn’t a priority in his life, and he wasn’t ready to commit. I just didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to be alone.

  Over and over again, for years and years, I sacrificed my psychological well-being just to be in a relationship. I blindly loved both of these men to the detriment of my own personal happiness. I deserved more. We all deserve more.

  I wish I could spare my younger self the repeated smashing of all the eggs I put in those baskets, but I’ve settled on taking the lessons I learned from them (and the rest of my failed relationships) and using them to be the best wife I can be. Without those failures, I wouldn’t have found relationship success. No experience, no matter how bad, is a waste—unless you waste the lesson. It took a few lessons, but in the end, I couldn’t be more grateful that my broken road led me straight to Ryan and my happy ending.

  MODERN FAMILY

  For more and more couples these days, divorce ends up being the only option left in creating a future with hope and happiness—my parents included. Whatever the reason, some couples decide that their lives would be better
without the person they once said they wanted to dedicate the rest of forever to. And for some, it’s the wise choice.

  Having lived a short forty years, I can count on one hand how many of my friends have decided to end their marital relationships. One of these is a friend from college I became close with through Redsteppers, otherwise known as the dancers who performed with the band during halftime at Indiana University football games in bright red knee-high leather boots. I had lost touch with her for a few years after we both graduated, but now I see her beautiful face on E! News. To me, she was Cathy Sadler. To America, she’s known as Catt.

  I knew that Catt went through a divorce and had recently met her new Prince Charming, but I didn’t know the full story until she posted an article she wrote for Genlux magazine. The second I finished reading it, I sent her a text asking if I could share it with you here, thinking that if divorce is the only option after all others have been considered, then Catt and her extended family are an excellent example of how to gratefully move forward in the shadow of sadness. She gladly agreed to let me share an excerpt. Happy reading (and THANK YOU, Catt!):

  A Joy Division

  I never thought I’d get divorced. I was a child of divorce and to me the D word was a dirty one.

  I was just entering my thirties, my two children were growing and thriving, my career was advancing, but my marriage to Kyle was crumbling. We were college sweethearts, solid friends, and managing our full lives together side by side. But, as the old cliché goes, we were growing apart. After more than twelve years together, eight of them married, our relationship began to dissolve.

  But the details of our decline aren’t as important as what came after.

  In 2007, I woke up a single mom of two living thousands of miles away from my family back home in Indiana. But I couldn’t lay in bed self-loathing, I had to soldier on for my boys. Thankfully, I had a fantastic TV job in Los Angeles hosting a show that challenged me creatively and also filled me emotionally. The Daily 10 cast and crew were like family. My job brought laughter into my life every day and was in many ways an escape from the heartache I was feeling after my divorce.

  Time passed, and eventually I began to understand that for Kyle and me, being friends was better than being husband and wife; and I also felt that our children were adjusting well, all things considered.

  When my older son Austin turned seven, I hosted a birthday party at our home. Several of the kids’ friends were invited, my girlfriends and their husbands were there, and, of course, Kyle wouldn’t miss it. I knew he had been dating Sarah for several months, so when he respectfully called beforehand to ask if she could come to the party, I said yes.

  My friends were astonished. “How are you corralling kids, overseeing the face painting, leading the happy birthday song, and not losing your mind knowing ‘she’ is here?”

  And then something happened. Sarah asked if I could use her help.

  A moment later I was cutting the cake and Sarah was scooping the ice cream. We were side by side. It was then and there, in that very moment, I knew it wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about us. It was about the boys. It was about forgiveness. And most of all, it was about love.

  Fast forward more than four years and Sarah and Kyle are married. I, too, have found love again. I married Rhys last October. And today, long after divorce, I consider my family to be progressive, healthy, and according to many who know us, even inspirational.

  Our Modern Family exists because of a conscious choice to put our children first. Once that determination was made, the fruits of that decision included a continued friendship post-marriage with my ex, and eventually new friendships between all four of the adults involved. Sarah and Rhys not only support and encourage the “Joy Division” as we know it today, but they are an integral part of it.

  I genuinely want to alert others to the possibilities of what life can be like after divorce. It is possible to reboot and achieve a symbiotic, thriving family dynamic. Sure, if one person in the group had not had the same vision, none of this would be possible. But ours is love—divided, and conquered.

  SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE

  I know many people hate them, but I love surprises. My husband knows this about me and has a way of pulling off a surprise without my having the faintest idea that something special is headed my way. I guess that’s what a surprise is all about.

  On our first anniversary, we were offered the opportunity to shoot a show called Trista and Ryan’s Honeymoon Hotspots for the Travel Channel. Due to our business schedules, we weren’t able to travel to all ten international destinations on the list, but we weren’t complaining when we got the green light to head to our first choice: South Africa. Not only were we able to arrange a dream vacation to a place neither of us had ever been, but we scheduled it around our first wedding anniversary so we could celebrate it in an extra-special way.

  The trip was nothing short of spectacular (including a little surprise I arranged to have a local African minister renew our vows), but what I remember most about it was a note I received a couple weeks after we got home. I could describe it to you, but after correcting a bit of fading, I thought it would be more fun to show you:

  My hubby had purchased, written, and sent a postcard to me during our trip without tipping me off. So that I never forget the ultra-sweet gesture, I keep the card right at eye level in front of my desk. The writing is faded and the stamp is torn, but the sentiment will never get old.

  According to a study by Dr. Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, the happiest couples are those who often say thank you to each other. In an article for the Huffington Post, Orbuch wrote that 61 percent of the couples she studied “said that their spouses ‘often’ made them feel good about the kind of person they are.” The gratitude she studied came from “words, gestures or acts” that let partners know that they were “noticed, appreciated, respected, loved or desired.” She didn’t mention exorbitant purchases or fantastical adventures. She mentioned words, kindnesses, and small gestures—the little things of this life (such as a poem about socks or even the socks themselves).

  I’ll never forget the day Ryan was at work and I found a sweet surprise on the shower wall. He had used the letters the kids play with in the bath to spell out “ILU”—our abbreviation for “I love you.” The rest of the day, I couldn’t stop smiling.

  So sweet. So simple. So incredibly special.

  Another wonderful gesture came on our copper anniversary, aka anniversary number seven. He called his poem “A Pound of Pennies for My Thoughts” and included an actual pound of shiny new pennies from the US Mint. I’ve edited his poem a touch, because there are a few parts I’d like to keep private (if you catch my drift), but here are the meat and potatoes:

  A Pound of Pennies for My Thoughts

  A pound of pennies,

  One for each thought

  Or each reason or each cause

  Or each lesson you’ve taught

  Or each moment I’ve realized

  How much I love you.

  How much I love you because of . . .

  Your smile

  Your love

  The way you care so much

  The way you love your kids

  The way you love me

  Your toes

  How you look in jeans

  That you let me be me

  Your forgiveness

  That you only buy white cars

  You moved to the mountains

  You want to stay in the mountains

  Your charity

  Your loyalty

  You hate my black socks

  Your thoughtful gifts

  You in a pony tail

  You’re ticklish

  How you make pumpkin pie

  You never miss a “favorite part of the day”

  When I’m your “favorite part of the day”

  How the kids love you

  That I’ll always love you
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  That you’ll always love me

  You are a good friend

  You are a great friend

  You are my best friend

  That you’re my wife

  That we’ve been married 7 years

  That we’ll be married 7 more, and 7 more . . .

  That this list was really easy

  That your last name is Sutter

  That I love you more . . .

  Have you shown your partner you appreciate him or her lately? Whether it’s through a hug, a note, or even a simple thank-you, tell your partner while you have the chance. As the great French novelist Marcel Proust said, “Let’s be grateful for those who give us happiness; they are the charming gardeners who make our soul bloom.”

  You never know what tomorrow will bring, but you certainly have the power to share the happiness you feel today. I’ve even included a list of suggestions so you can’t use the excuse that you couldn’t think of anything!

  Send them flowers or a cool bamboo plant at work with a note that says “I miss you.”

  On a starry night, put the kids to bed, break open a bottle of your favorite “poison,” lay down side by side on a cozy blanket, and watch for shooting stars. Make wishes for each other and your future.

  Carve your initials on a tree that stands in a spot your partner won’t be able to miss—maybe it’s on a favorite hiking trail, or maybe it’s in your front yard. Just make sure it’s at eye level.

  Just as Ryan did for me, create a list for your partner of the many reasons you love him or her. Start it with “I love you because . . .” and let the words flow onto the paper. Believe me, your partner will appreciate every single one.

  Schedule date nights. I married my husband because he’s my favorite person on earth. What’s better than giving back to myself (and hopefully to him) by sharing a night with the person I chose to share my life with?

  If date night is a good idea, then date weekend is even better, right? Plan a getaway to a nearby town, or even a weekend stay at a local hotel. Go visit friends, see the sights of a town you’ve always had on your bucket list, or just get a change of scenery. The resultant positive change in your relationship will be worth it.