If These Wings Could Fly
Page 1
Dedication
For my little brother, Jackson,
who is like a star,
because he lights up the universe,
(and because he’s so much taller than me).
For Kayleigh and Katharyn,
who never hesitate to brave the dark with me,
flashlights in hand.
And for survivors of domestic violence,
and those still in it.
It might feel like the end of the story,
but it is just the beginning,
and the rest is yours alone.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Auburn, Pennsylvania - September 2
Chapter One
Auburn, Pennsylvania - September 3
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Auburn, Pennsylvania - September 15
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Auburn, Pennsylvania - September 28
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Auburn, Pennsylvania - October 5
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Auburn, Pennsylvania - October 13
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Auburn, Pennsylvania - November 4
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-Two
Chapter Forty-Three
Chapter Forty-Four
Auburn, Pennsylvania - December 6
Chapter Forty-Five
Chapter Forty-Six
Chapter Forty-Seven
Chapter Forty-Eight
Chapter Forty-Nine
Chapter Fifty
Chapter Fifty-One
Chapter Fifty-Two
Chapter Fifty-Three
Chapter Fifty-Four
Chapter Fifty-Five
Chapter Fifty-Six
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Auburn, Pennsylvania - December 14
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Chapter Sixty
Chapter Sixty-One
Chapter Sixty-Two
Chapter Sixty-Three
Auburn, Pennsylvania - December 25
Chapter Sixty-Four
Auburn, Pennsylvania - December 31
Chapter Sixty-Five
Chapter Sixty-Six
Auburn, Pennsylvania - December 31
Chapter Sixty-Seven
Auburn, Pennsylvania - December 31
Chapter Sixty-Eight
Chapter Sixty-Nine
Chapter Seventy
Chapter Seventy-One
Chapter Seventy-Two
Chapter Seventy-Three
Chapter Seventy-Four
Chapter Seventy-Five
Chapter Seventy-Six
Chapter Seventy-Seven
Auburn, Pennsylvania - January 1
Acknowledgments
Author’s Note
About the Author
Back Ad
Copyright
About the Publisher
Auburn, Pennsylvania
September 2
CROW POPULATION:
212
Chapter One
IT’S IN THE STRETCHES OF SILENCE that I wonder if she’s dead.
My window is open, its wooden shutters thrown wide to welcome a breeze that doesn’t exist. I suck in air thick with humidity and look at the night sky. Heavy clouds, no rain.
Mother Nature, you’re such a tease.
Our town waits on rain to ease the drought. Rain to wash away the sweat that clings to our bodies each day as soon as we step outside. Rain to pummel the hard, dry dirt beneath withering crops in the fields. Rain is life. Rain is forgiveness.
Rain washes away sins faster than a priest can.
I hear it again: a deep, rumbling noise. Don’t be fooled; it isn’t thunder. His voice is as loud as God’s and as mean as the Devil’s. I try to ignore it, but then I hear the soft padding of feet on the hallway carpet. A moment later, my bedroom door opens, and the girls come in. The three of us sit under my window, one sister huddled beneath each of my arms.
As if I can protect them.
My arms curl around their shoulders. “It’s okay,” I whisper, to them and myself.
A scream fills the house. It isn’t Mom. It’s the opening shriek of a classic rock song. When the bass drum hits, the door to my room quakes.
It’s a full-volume night.
There’s a slight rush of air from the open window above us; the thin lines of muscles in my sisters’ arms tighten in fear. The dark silhouette of a bird appears on the far wall of my room.
“It’s just Joe,” I say, and untangle myself from their grasps. I turn to face a fierce, shiny black eye. His beak looks wickedly sharp this close. He doesn’t usually come to the window. He likes to sit on the mailbox. Or on the fence near our bus stop at the corner. Or on the lowest branch of the tree in our front yard. Joe is singular among other black birds, distinguished by the gray feathers on his abdomen and back. Distinguished as well by his dedication to being near us, always.
Joe caws. He shakes his wings in a show of bravado and turns.
“Bye, Joe,” Juniper says as he flies away.
Something crashes downstairs.
“Mom,” Campbell says. I imagine Mom hurt. Crying. I look into Cam’s eyes, and my own terror is reflected back at me.
“I’ll go check on her.” There’s no such thing as whispering over the music, so I almost shout it. I squeeze their bony little hands, a single drumbeat of reassurance, and rise.
When I get to the stairs, he’s playing Guns N’ Roses’s Greatest Hits so loud my teeth ache, and yet I can still hear him. I steal a glance over the banister, and I find him in the kitchen. If I weren’t used to the sight, I’d wonder if the dark red tone of his skin was the sign of a medical emergency. But it’s rage. The powder keg tonight was an upcoming mortgage payment. The spark that lit him up: an energy bill twice the normal amount. It was a dry, hot August, and the AC worked too hard.
I can barely see the rounded gray metal on top of the fridge. He keeps his gun where it’s easy to reach. He says it won’t be much help if he has to go find it during a home invasion, but it’s the thing I think about every time he gets like this. It’s always the same question in my mind: Is tonight the night he reaches for it?
Mom comes into view. Her long red hair is loose, disheveled. She heads for the stereo.
He runs after her, each footfall a tiny earthquake in the old house. He’s a solid wrecking ball, and he tears across the room after Mom when her hand touches the volume dial.
He shoves her into the door of the entertainment center, and it flies back into the wall
. A chunk of plaster breaks off where it hits. Mom rubs her shoulder, says nothing.
My fear is trapped in the cage of my chest. It flaps its futile, frightened wings as I sneak upstairs.
“She’s okay,” I tell the girls. “But I need to call the police.”
“The phones are out,” Campbell reminds me. When it starts, he rips the phone cord out of the wall. He hoards it on the kitchen table—in plain sight but rendered useless.
“I’m going for help.” I eye the window, and Cam notices.
“It’s not too high?” she asks. If she’s scared, she masks it. Even at thirteen, Campbell is the picture of control, her face calm, her voice even. She understands the danger we’re in. She also knows how to hide it from Juniper.
“Not at all.” I climb out my window, onto the roof that covers our porch. The air is still heavy, laden with things it cannot hold much longer. I know how it feels to carry something that isn’t yours. Soon the sky will break.
Outside I pause, assessing. Maybe he won’t find them out here. At least not right away.
“Come out here,” I tell them, and point to the far corner of the roof, where it meets the house and forms a little nook. “It’s okay. It’ll be an adventure.”
Campbell swings her legs over the windowsill and crawls to the corner of the roof.
Juniper hesitates.
“Leighton, I’m scared,” she says. Some twisted little part of me is grateful she’s scared. That she could spend so many nights of her nine years tucked into shadows like this, and still know it’s not normal.
“Hey, babe, look at me. It’s gonna be okay. You are just going to snuggle up with Campbell for a few minutes. Here, take Ava-bear.”
I move into the room again, doubling over the windowsill and reaching for the foot of my bed. Soft down fuzz fills my hand when it finds the toy. I lean out the window and offer my beloved stuffed bear to Juniper.
She shakes her head no.
Something rumbles downstairs besides the music, and my stomach tightens in response. He’s so angry tonight. I drop the bear and crouch at the window, finding Juniper’s dark eyes filled with tears.
“How big is your brave?” I ask her.
I’ve stolen it, right out of our history. I’ve cannibalized it from my own gentler early years, when Mom would use the phrase to get me on a bike or a roller coaster. And I’ve brought it here, into this awful night. But I need it, for Juniper.
“So big,” Juniper says, and climbs out the window. I walk her over to Campbell.
The tree in our yard sways, though there’s no breeze.
Crows.
Birds fill the branches. There must be a hundred of them. More. Juniper’s soft whimper forces the crows from my mind. I swing my legs over the edge of the roof and drop before I can think about it. It’s a short fall, but I hit the ground hard and lose my balance. My hands scrape the walkway where I catch myself, drawing blood. I look up and find Campbell peering down. “I’m fine,” I say. “Get back.” I melt into the shadows of our yard, just as he passes the kitchen window.
When he turns away, I run. There’s only one other house on our road. If we always felt safe in our home, I might call it scenic, with the mountains as a backdrop and nothing but idyllic Pennsylvania farming hills for miles.
But we don’t feel safe, so instead I’d say it’s isolated. Detached.
Alcatraz.
But there is one neighbor. Mrs. Stieg. Just a few hundred feet away in a farmhouse that’s easily a half-century older than our house, but meticulously maintained. Racing across the road, I steal a backward glance at my house. I check for two shadows on the porch roof, but my gaze is drawn higher.
Crows cover the top of our house. Dark shingles shrouded in even darker feathers.
When I reach our neighbor’s house, I close my fingers over the sting of my freshly skinned palm and slam my fist on the door. When a light flickers on upstairs, hope swells inside of me.
The light turns back off.
I knock harder, but I don’t think she’s coming.
Fear claws inside my chest, wanting out. No one else lives close. I can’t leave my sisters long enough to walk a few miles into town. I cross the road again. Back in our yard, I start to sidestep the dozens of crows on our lawn, when the front door swings open.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He fills the whole doorframe. Two-hundred-plus pounds of anger now directed at me. I run through the answers in my head, playing outcomes as fast as I can. Which response is the safest?
“I called the police,” I lie, and it’s a big one. He will know in minutes that it’s untrue.
My father stares me down for a moment, as though he’s daring me to speak the truth. Then he turns into the house. The music finally cuts out, and the silence is surreal. Like everything before now was a nightmare, and I’ve just woken up.
If only.
He moves through the kitchen, and the birds shuffle around me, cawing softly. Or maybe they’re loud, and it just seems soft in contrast with how loud the music was a moment ago.
“After all I do for you,” Dad says as he collects his essentials: wallet, keys, gun. “So fucking ungrateful.”
He strides to his truck, slamming the door shut. Moments later, he’s leaving, and I know why. He likes to scream and scare us, but he’s always been careful not to land himself in jail. It’s a thin line, but he walks it well.
I move down our front path, through the grass, and stop at the edge of the road. He’ll come back tomorrow, but tonight we’re safe. I watch until his truck turns, and I lose sight of it as the sky cracks open overhead.
Rain pours down, scattering crows in the dark.
Auburn, Pennsylvania
September 3
CROW POPULATION:
3,582
Chapter Two
IN THE MORNING, THE CROWS ARE still here. And by here, I mean everywhere. Crows on every branch of the tree in our front yard, until it is more feather than leaf.
I stand at my bedroom window watching the birds rustle and twitch on the branches. They’re on Mrs. Stieg’s roof, too, shuffling along her rain gutters.
Our front door slams.
He’s back.
I hurry out of my room and into the shower, desperate to normalize the morning, to remind him we have school. Sometimes if we do things just right, he matches our calm. He migrates toward our normal. As the scalding water hits me, I hope that this is one of those times.
I love school, but this year is different. It’s the last year. My countdown has officially begun, and last night was a more ominous beginning than I’d wanted. One year. I have one year to find a way to keep my sisters safe if I want to go to college.
When I get to the kitchen, he’s not there, but Mom is. She startles when I walk in, and coffee slips over the lip of her mug, splashing her fingers. She doesn’t seem to notice.
“Good morning, Leighton,” she says. She smiles, but it’s not a Mom smile. It doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Mom used to smile at us like we were all in on a joke together. Now I get the same hollow one she flashes to strangers.
“Morning,” I say.
He’s brought her flowers. Scarlet roses that sit in a chipped vase next to the sink. He likes to apologize with small gestures that never match the gravity of what he’s done.
It seems to work.
I hesitate, wondering if this is a morning to provoke or let go. “He’s back?” I ask.
Now even the hollow smile is gone.
“Drop it, Leighton,” Mom says.
This is a morning to let go.
“He slept at his office. What more do you want?”
I rattle off the list in my head. His arrest, his apology, his relocation, his kindness. His death. It depends on the day, the hour, the moment, and my mood, but there’s a lot more I want than him sleeping in his office.
“I have work today,” Mom says. She’s always grabbed a few shifts a week waitressing at the diner, but she
’s been picking up more lately. Trying to make up for the construction business not doing as well. “Will you come right home after school for the girls?” I ignore the abrupt change in subject. Walking into the living room, I begin to pick up framed photographs from the floor, hooking them back on their nails.
It’s like the house itself knows when these nights are coming. There are clues, if we watch carefully: a subtle darkening in the corners of the rooms; the picture frames tilting on their nails, preparing to fall at the first commotion; the sudden compulsion to whisper, as though the house will carry our secrets to his ears. The pressure inside builds for weeks, until it is so palpable I can taste it on my tongue—metallic and biting. Like blood. The taste of anger.
I step back into the kitchen and lift the last frame from the floor. It’s a photo of two teenagers wearing crowns. They’ve been named king and queen. I study the girl in the photo, my eyes gravitating to the things we have in common. Same pale white skin with a few copper freckles across the bridge of the nose. Same wide smile. I wonder how we’re different. Her hair is vibrant red, where mine is a lighter, strawberry blonde. And what about the things you can’t see? Like her capacity to forgive so much hurt. Do I carry that in my bones, too, like I do the shape of her jaw?
Instead of hanging this photo up, I lay it on the counter beside the roses.
She has to decide whether to put it back on the wall.
The last thing I do before it’s time to usher my sisters outside to the bus stop is reach past Mom to plug the phone in. This stupid, useless house phone. He told Mom and me that we could have cell phones last year. Then he remembered that cell phones call police and cost money, so we never got them. There’s just this one phone, with a cord that does nothing to help us when he tears it out of the wall.
I slam my finger down on the receiver and hold the phone to my ear.
“Dial tone’s back,” I say.
Chapter Three
TO EVERYONE ELSE AT AUBURN HIGH, summer means freedom.
That’s not the case for me.
At least here, I know what to expect. I know who I am. For the next eight hours, I know Campbell and Juniper are safe in their classes. I can pretend everything is normal. So when I step off the bus on our first day back and wave to the girls as it pulls away, I know they are thinking the same thing: thank God summer is over.