by Rob Sinclair
‘We’ll get through this,’ I assured her.
‘I hope so. But one thing, Ben. Tell me it’s over. That you’ll never see her again. You have to promise me that. I don’t care why you did it or who she is. If you love me, you’ll finish it.’
‘I will.’
‘Promise me?’
‘I promise,’ I said without even thinking.
And in the moment, I really meant it.
CHAPTER 43
I had sex with Gemma the very next day. After the conversation with Alice, I had wanted to do the right thing and break off the affair with Gemma. I truly had every intention of doing just that. But the simple fact was that Gemma was a master manipulator. She knew how to get what she wanted. And for whatever reason, she’d decided that she wanted me.
I’d arranged to go around to Gemma’s apartment. I’d rehearsed what to say. I was to keep it short and to the point. I liked her, we’d had fun, but it was over. My marriage to Alice was too important to jeopardise any further. I had Harry to think of too. The stability of the family. I guessed Gemma would be hurt and angry by my decision, that she’d probably claim I’d used her for sex and that I was a low-life scumbag. I was happy with that prospect. It would at least mean that the affair was over and I could get on with rebuilding my marriage with Alice.
In the end, I didn’t even get the well-practised words out. Gemma pounced on me the second she opened her apartment door. I was an idiot. I was a sucker. Gemma knew my weakness. I couldn’t resist her when she was in the mood like that.
Over the next few months I tried again and again to break it off with Gemma. At one point I even managed to get out some of those pre-planned words. I told Gemma how much I loved Alice, how I could never leave my wife. Gemma was hurt by my words, but somehow she won out. She just wasn’t prepared to let me go. To give up on me. It was like she saw it as a game and revelled in the power she had over me.
Ultimately she claimed to love me. She claimed that she couldn’t live without me.
I believed her. I wanted to believe her. There was so much I enjoyed about the time I spent with Gemma compared to my still-stuttering marriage to Alice. No matter how hard I tried to rekindle what we’d lost, our relationship never truly recovered. Part of that was due to Harry, I realised. As much as we both loved him, nothing changes a relationship like a baby. No matter how much we both wanted our marriage to be like it had been in the past, that could never happen.
Another part of the problem was Dani. My own sister. When she found about my affair with Gemma …
I’d always felt close to Dani, but all of a sudden it was like I was a marked man. I hadn’t just let Alice down, I’d let Dani down, and our parents too. Once again I was the disappointment of the family, though now it was Dani who was at the head, driving that thought.
Despite my best intentions to keep my marriage working, it felt as if Dani was set on tearing me and Alice apart, day by day. And Dani was an expert at getting what she wanted.
I counted myself unfortunate that my bank of memories was filled with far more devastatingly bad days than sublimely happy days. Few of those bad days had Alice in them. Even after everything, I still considered her to be the love of my life. Yet there were some bad days with her.
In fact, there were some very bad days.
‘You lied to me,’ Alice said.
She was sitting on the edge of our bed. I was standing across the room.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. There were simply no other words.
‘It’s too late now,’ she said, sounding entirely matter of fact.
‘I still love you,’ I said.
I wanted her to say the words back. She didn’t.
‘I want you to move out,’ she said.
I looked down at my feet. Her response was inevitable. I’d blown it. I should have broken it off with Gemma. I’d had the chance, I just hadn’t had the strength – or was it the desire? – to see it through.
But even then, in that moment, I still wanted Alice. I wanted her to want me to stay.
‘What about what you told me before?’ I said. ‘That you didn’t want me to go. That you wanted us to stay together as a family.’
‘You promised me you would stop seeing her.’
‘I tried. You have to believe me.’
‘I’m struggling to see that.’
‘Give me another chance. Please. Just one more chance. I can’t live without you, Alice. And think about Harry, about what this would do to him.’
‘Don’t you dare bring him into this,’ Alice growled. ‘Harry is not your excuse for neglecting and hurting me like this.’
‘I still love you, and I know you feel the same for me.’
‘But that’s where you’re wrong, Ben.’
She stared at me and I saw a look in her eyes that I’d never seen before. It sent a shiver right through me.
‘What?’
‘I don’t love you,’ she said. ‘Not anymore.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘I want a divorce. I want you gone, out of my life.’
I tried to speak but no words came out, just garbled sounds.
‘You can’t be serious?’ I said eventually.
‘I’m absolutely serious. It’s over. And nothing you can do now is going to stop that.’
‘But … why?’
‘Why? If you really need to ask that question then you’re a lot dumber than I thought.’
‘I’ll finish it. I promise I will.’
‘It’s not about her,’ Alice said, the last word emphasised with extreme bitterness. ‘It’s you, Ben. I don’t love you anymore.’
‘But …’
‘I don’t love you anymore,’ Alice repeated.
‘Is this because of Dani?’ I said, feeling anger rise. ‘Has she put you up to this?’
Alice’s lack of response said it all.
‘Just get out!’ she screamed.
By that point I was as livid as I was upset. My whole world had just been shattered. Alice’s manner, her self-satisfied tone, was too much to take. And knowing my own sister - someone who should have been looking out for me - had been gunning for this outcome …
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ I said.
CHAPTER 44
‘What stopped you breaking it off with Gemma?’ she asked.
‘I was weak,’ I said. ‘There’s no good excuse. I was attracted to Gemma. We had great sex together.’
‘So that’s all it was, sex?’
‘No. I mean … it’s so difficult to explain. It was more than that. But you have to realise I met Gemma when Alice was pregnant. Then when the baby came … you know.’
‘So you and Alice weren’t having sex. Is that what you’re trying to say?’
‘We were … but it just wasn’t the same. She’d gone through a hell of an ordeal with Harry. She was recovering from a major operation. Even when she’d healed physically, she’d lost a lot of confidence, not just in the way she looked but in herself. Plus there was her cheating. Things were rocky.’
‘And that had all affected your sex life?’
‘Of course it had. And our cheating aside, I’m sure that’s the same for many couples who have kids. Having a baby is stressful. There was little time for us to be intimate with each other, even if we’d wanted it. But I still loved her. I still wanted to be with her. Our sex life wasn’t the same as it had been, but so what? Marriage is more than sex.’
‘That’s a convincing statement, but you were having an affair. So did you have feelings for Gemma at that point?’
‘I don’t know. Of course there was lust. Ultimately I thought there was love too. I married Gemma for all the right reasons. But looking back, the love was never there. I mistook my sexual attraction to Gemma and her attraction to me for love.’
‘What about Gemma? At the start, what was her motivation do you think?’
‘I never felt there was anything particularly sinister about Gemma’s behavio
ur. She wasn’t having the affair with me in order to wreck my marriage or to hurt Alice. She wanted to be with me. And that was nice for me. Everybody likes to be wanted. Everybody wants to be loved.’
‘So why do you think it went wrong with Gemma?’
‘There are countless reasons. Really, it was never right, no matter how much I wanted it to be. I couldn’t pretend forever. In the end I realised there was just nothing there with Gemma. Not on my part at least. I simply didn’t love her the way I’d loved Alice.’
‘And what about Cara Andrews?’
‘What about her?’
‘How would you describe your attraction to her?’
‘I said before, it was natural. I liked her in so many different ways.’
‘So you’re saying you had genuine feelings for her, that it was more than just lust?’
‘I think so. I think in another life I could have loved Cara. But we never got that far. We only saw each other a few more times.’
‘What happened?’
‘It went badly wrong. For both of us. Though she suffered far more than I did.’
‘Tell me about it.’
‘It started with Callum O’Brady. The sting operation. From there, everything turned to shit.’
CHAPTER 45
With my sister and Jackson and Marsh on my back wanting to keep the plans for the sting with O’Brady moving, my life was fast approaching a crossroads from which there would be no going back.
I hadn’t seen my children for days. Gemma had decided to simply ignore each and every call I made and message I sent. Unsure of where life would soon be taking me, I decided to take matters into my own hands and go to the house. It was nearly seven p.m. and Harry and Chloe wouldn’t be far off getting ready for bed. If I was quick, I might get a chance to see them for a few minutes and read them a story or two – a once menial task that had taken on huge significance now that it was no longer part of my routine.
That was assuming Gemma would even let me in. It was clear our marriage was heading only in one direction. And with Cara on the scene, I wasn’t about to beg Gemma to take me back into her bed. Regardless, one thing I knew for sure was that she damn well wasn’t going to stop me seeing my children.
I was already turning into the driveway when I realised my plan may not be quite as simple as I’d hoped, though. Parked up on the gravel was the gleaming bright-blue Bentley Continental GT that belonged to Gemma’s dad. I’d always thought it was a vulgar excuse for a sports car, a statement of wealth and nothing else. It suited the arrogant Whitely perfectly.
I could have called it quits there and then. It would have been the most sensible option. Instead I cut off the engine, got out of the car and strode up to the front door.
As I reached the door my hand was in my pocket, grasping for my keys. In the end I decided against that approach. I reached up and rang the bell, then gave three loud knocks.
A few seconds later Whitely opened the door.
‘What are you doing here?’ he said, looking me up and down with disdain.
‘I’ve had a rough day, James. I just want to see the kids for a few minutes.’
‘You can’t just come around whenever you feel like it.’
‘Says who? It’s my house.’
‘Says me.’
I stood and stared at Whitely, and he stood and glared right back. He folded his arms and moved forward, blocking the entrance.
‘You’re not welcome here,’ he snarled.
‘This is none of your business,’ I barked back. ‘I want to see my children.’
‘You have to get through me if you want to come in.’
‘Oh, believe me, I’d love to knock you down, you smarmy prick.’ I could see shock on Whitely’s face. It was probably years since anyone had challenged him like that; he was so used to the world bending to his will. ‘But I didn’t come here for a fight.’
Just then I spotted Gemma and her mum, Irene, coming into view behind Whitely.
‘What’s going on?’ Gemma said, striding up, exasperation in her voice.
I shook my head. It was all too much. The Whitely clan, all banding together against me. What point was there in standing and fighting it?
‘I just came to say goodnight to the kids,’ I said as calmly as I could, a complete contrast to how I was really feeling. ‘Your dad would rather have a boxing match with me, though, I think.’
Gemma gave Whitely a questioning look. He just shrugged. She pushed him out of the way and put herself between me and him.
‘You should tell me if you’re coming,’ she said.
‘If you answered your phone that would be a bit easier.’
‘Look, Chloe’s already in bed,’ Gemma said. ‘She’s not been well, a stomach bug. Harry’s shattered. It’s not a great time, Ben.’
‘You can’t keep me away from them forever. They need me. They need their dad.’
‘Okay. But not tonight.’
‘Fine,’ I said after a few moments. ‘I’m not going to cause a scene just to please you lot.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Gemma said.
‘It doesn’t matter. I’ll come back another time.’
‘Wait,’ Gemma said.
I raised an eyebrow as Gemma darted back off inside. I looked over at Whitely and saw a knowing look in his glistening eyes. Gemma came back a few moments later with a brown envelope in her hand. She pushed it out toward me.
‘What’s this?’ I said, taking the envelope, my eyes fixed on her.
Gemma said nothing. I lifted the flap on the end of the envelope and pulled out the sheath of white papers by just a few inches. That was all I needed to determine what they were.
‘It’s for the best,’ Gemma said. ‘You must agree with that? I want to end this properly, amicably. I hope we can do that.’
I stared back at Gemma, so many confusing thoughts crashing through my brain. Was a divorce really that much of a surprise? No. But it still hurt. And it made me mad with rage, particularly given the unpleasant smirk that was plastered on Whitely’s face.
I pushed the papers back into the envelope, then turned and headed away. I looked back over my shoulder as I reached my car. Gemma and Whitely were still standing in the doorway. As I opened the door to the BMW and got in, they finally moved away and shut the front door. I had already started the engine and shoved the gearstick into reverse when I paused. With the engine idling, I looked up at the house. Our house. My house.
I took a few seconds to think. My brain was in such disarray. I couldn’t think straight. Why couldn’t I just be happy? Why couldn’t my life be normal?
It was too late, I realised, for that to ever be the case.
I stepped out of the car, leaving the engine running, and looked at the windows of the house. No sign of Gemma or Whitely or Irene or the kids. I stepped over to the edge of the gravel drive where there was a line of loose yellow bricks – a handful of spares from when we’d had the driveway and front wall redone. I’d intended to bed them into the ground to create a better border between the gravel and small front lawn – one of many DIY jobs in the house that would never be completed, at least not by me.
As I took a brick in each hand, I felt calm. Absent was the raw anger and hatred that had filled me when I knocked down Dove, and when I smashed a stranger’s face against a toilet bowl. Even though I knew it was those same emotions now driving me on, I felt entirely relaxed. It was a strange feeling. A nice feeling.
I moved toward the Bentley and swung back my right arm, then brought the brick crashing down onto the windscreen. The glass cracked and sank inwards a number of inches. I pulled back on the brick but it was firmly wedged in the ruptured mess.
The windscreen hadn’t smashed into pieces – it was designed not to – but the damage was certainly done. I arced back my left arm and swung the other brick against the driver’s window. That one did smash. Hundreds, maybe thousands of small square chunks of safety glass crashed down onto the ground an
d all over the driver’s seat. I let out an amused grunt as I looked back over at the house. Gemma was just coming into view in the lounge window, a shocked look on her face. I smiled at her and she dashed off out of view – to tell Whitely what I’d done, no doubt.
I lifted my heel and brought the sole of my shoe down onto the driver’s wing mirror, severing it with ease. It fell to the ground and rolled to a stop at my feet.
The front door opened. Whitely stood there, aghast, eyes fixed on his beloved car. I expected him to jump into a rage and throw himself toward me. Part of me wanted it. But he just stood there looking absolutely numb, as though he’d just been told that someone close to him had died.
I moved back to my car, got in and backed up onto the road. I glanced over at Whitely. He was still standing inside the house, but his eyes were on me now. The look of outrage, of hatred, on his face was a true picture. I beamed at him and lifted my hand to wave, just as I pushed my foot down on the accelerator. As I shot off into the distance, I knew with absolute certainty that I’d reached a turning point. Hell, I’d gone right past the damn thing. There was no going back.
Fuck Whitely. Fuck Gemma. Fuck Dani and O’Brady and Egan. Fuck them all.
It was time to make every one of them pay.
CHAPTER 46
I couldn’t stand the thought of Gemma coming out on top, her and Whitely both. But they would have to wait. The man I was going to see deserved every bit of wrath that was now begging to come out of me. If I could only find a way.
I hadn’t seen Callum O’Brady since our rendezvous in the Bullring shopping centre nearly a week before. I’d spoken to him twice on the phone since then and I could tell he was getting edgy. The original deadline for the two hundred thousand pounds had expired, and he was increasingly coming to the conclusion that my evasiveness since our last meeting was down to me looking for ways to buy more time without delivering anything of value in return.