Full-Time Father

by Susan Mallery

  Erin knew she hadn’t been completely honest with Joyce. If she could, she would change one thing about her past. She would change Stacey’s death. Even five years later, she still missed her twin. They’d spent four years going to different colleges, but Erin had always felt connected. Now she could never shake the feeling that a piece of her was gone. After twenty-two years of being half of a pair of identical twins, she’d been left alone.

  The leather-bound diary was cool to the touch. When she’d found the journal she hadn’t been able to read more than a few entries. The familiar handwriting made her miss Stacey more than ever. Now reading the words brought her sister back to life. Erin flipped it open, randomly turning pages until Parker’s name caught her eye. She began to read.

  Parker gave us an introductory session this afternoon. There are five other interns, four guys and one really mousy-looking nineteen-year-old in thick glasses. I don’t think he’ll notice her.

  Erin skipped the paragraphs about the programs Stacey had been so excited to work on. There were details about schedules, then she found Parker’s name again.

  I sat next to him at dinner. I know Erin would laugh if I told her, but I was too excited to eat. He’s very handsome, yet it’s more than that. It’s the sadness in his eyes. It calls to me. I want to hold him and heal him until he smiles again. My blood races whenever I’m near him. It’s as if he’s my destiny and I am his.

  The next sentence had been obliterated by thick strokes of black pen. No matter how Erin held the page up to the light, she couldn’t make out the words.

  I’ve fallen for him. Love has made me a giddy fool. I’m trying hard to be sensible, but part of me doesn’t want to be. I want to feel the romance and the magic. I want my blood to race and my heart to pound. I want to feel the heat of his hand against my skin.

  Erin slammed the diary shut. She was feeling some heat of her own, but it came from the flush of embarrassment on her cheeks.

  “How you doing?” she called.

  “I’m fine.” Christie’s voice was patient. They went through this ritual every time she bathed. The four-year-old liked to have her playtime with her tub toys. Erin didn’t mind, but she needed to hear splashing and singsong conversation to know that her daughter was doing all right in the water.

  She placed the diary on the bed and covered her face with her hands. Why was this happening? She wasn’t the young romantic innocent Stacey had been. She was a mature woman, a single parent, a respected teacher. She was stronger than this. Falling apart when she was around Parker Hamilton wasn’t an option.

  Easier said than done, she thought, remembering the heat she, too, had felt when Parker had touched her. What was going on? Why did Stacey’s diary make sense? Why was she experiencing the same reaction around the same man? She wasn’t the emotional sister. She wasn’t the romantic one. She’d always been practical and logical. After all, when the girls had realized there wasn’t enough money for both of them to go to the college of their choice, Erin had been the one to figure out if they left some of the money in for an additional four years, then one could go away to college and one could go away to graduate school.

  She knew she had a brain, so why wasn’t it working now?

  You’re living like a nun.

  Joyce’s words came back to haunt her. For the most part Erin didn’t miss having a man in her life. She never met anyone special enough to make her heart race or her blood…

  Don’t think about it, she ordered herself. It wasn’t important. She wasn’t really caught up in some situation that forced her to re-live her sister’s life. The point was, she just hadn’t had time to date. Obviously that was the problem. Parker was the first good-looking, single guy she’d been around since college. Of course she had a reaction to him. It didn’t mean anything except that maybe it was time to dump the nun act and start behaving like a woman. Not around him, but around someone safer.

  “You all right?” she called, listening to the splashing.

  “Yes, Mommy.” Christie’s voice was slightly less patient.

  She would get her feelings under control, she told herself firmly. She would stop reacting like…like…like Stacey and start acting more like herself. Otherwise she was going to say or do something foolish. That would only make an awkward situation worse. After all, Parker hadn’t once hinted he found her attractive.

  He’d been attracted to Stacey, a voice in her head whispered, and you look just like her. But had he been attracted to Stacey? Stacey’s diary was full of romance and melodrama, but nothing very substantive. How much of their relationship had been in her sister’s head?

  However they had been lovers.

  Erin opened the diary to the last page and stared at the photograph there. She’d tucked it next to the half-finished letter she’d found in the diary. She wasn’t sure why. She didn’t usually travel with pictures of her sister in her luggage, but it had seemed important to bring one of Stacey on this trip.

  She smiled at the silliness of that thought. If she wanted to remember Stacey all she had to do was look in the mirror.

  Even so, she picked up the photo and stared at her twin. Stacey wore her hair long, she always had. Erin preferred it short. They had the same features, the same smile, the same dimple. Erin had a tiny scar on her forehead from a run-in with a coffee table when she was about Christie’s age. The sisters had always weighed the same and although they shared clothes, they hadn’t dressed alike if they could avoid it.

  “I’m fine, Mommy,” Christie yelled from the bathroom.

  “Thank you.”

  Erin stretched out on the bed next to the suitcase and wondered what had happened.

  “Why did you do this?” she whispered to the photo.

  As her fingers clutched the small picture, she knew the answer. There was no voice from the great beyond or psychic connection. She didn’t need that. She’d known her sister as well as she’d known herself. She could read between the lines.

  Stacey had wanted to fall in love with Parker from the first moment she saw him. The handsome, brooding stranger was her fantasy come to life. The fact that his house was a stunning mansion fit for a modern-day princess and the knowledge that he mourned the loss of his wife would only have added to Stacey’s desire to make it real.

  The twins had lost their parents at an early age. Going from relative to relative had left them with an emptiness that could only be filled by having a place to belong. Erin assumed she would find a man and fall in love one day, but in the meantime, the emptiness would have to be filled with friends, activities and self-confidence. Stacey had wanted to be rescued. Like a damsel in distress, she waited for the handsome prince on a white horse. Parker had fit her dream perfectly.

  “Oh, Stacey,” Erin murmured, aching for her sister, knowing the pain she must have felt.

  She sat up and studied the photo for a moment, then tucked it into the diary. The letter fell out. Erin picked it up and unfolded the single page.

  Dear Parker,

  I don’t know where to begin, so I’ll just say I’m sorry. I’m so ashamed of myself. Of what I did and how I acted. I see now that you were right about everything. I don’t know what love is. I hope someday I’ll find what you had with Robin.

  In the meantime, I regret to tell you that I’m pregnant. That night, well, I lied about being on the pill. I was so afraid you would stop if I told you the truth. The problem is, I don’t know what to do now.

  Please forgive me, Parker. I’m going to have our baby. I’m sure that makes you angry. Maybe I won’t do anything today. Maybe I’ll wait and tell you after the child is born. Then you can decide what you want to do.

  Erin folded the letter and placed it in the diary next to the photo. Stacey hadn’t lived long enough to do anything about telling Parker the truth.

  “I hope I’m doing the right thing,” Erin whispered as she listened to Christie play in the tub. “I hope I’m doing what you would have wanted me to do.”

 
; Chapter Five

  “You weren’t kidding about the room being on the top floor,” Erin said as she paused on the landing to catch her breath and stared up at the last flight of stairs.

  Parker was right behind her. He set the suitcases down and frowned. “There are plenty of bedrooms on the second floor. Why don’t you look through them and see if there’s something you like?”

  She gave him a quick smile, then shook her head. “Christie has her heart set on staying up here, and I don’t want to disappoint her.”

  “You could leave her up here and take a different room for yourself.” Kiki was right. He did have enough bedrooms to sleep a regiment. He supposed keeping the house was a mistake but he couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.

  “Your room is on the second floor, right?” Erin asked.

  “Yes, but-”

  She cut him off before he could explain there was no reason for her to be concerned about them sleeping on the same floor. Then he reminded himself that all she had to go on was what had happened with her sister. No wonder Erin was wary of him.

  “This is a strange house to Christie,” Erin said. “She’s having a great adventure and enjoying everything, especially meeting you. But later, when she’s sleepy and tired, she might get scared or have a bad dream. It’s better if I’m across the hall and can hear her call out.”

  “I hadn’t thought of that,” he admitted, following her as she climbed the last flight of stairs. Raising a child was a daunting task full of potential pitfalls he couldn’t begin to see.

  She reached the third floor and paused. “It’s so beautiful,” she whispered.

  He looked down the corridor. All the bedroom doors stood open. Sunlight spilled onto the hallway’s polished wooden floor. It bounced out of each of the bedrooms and beamed through the large window in the far end wall. There were abstract paintings between the doors, and a small deacon’s bench by the landing.

  “I didn’t realize how large this place was,” she said, her voice laced with awe.

  “Some bedrooms up here are smaller,” he said. “But much of the construction follows the roof line, so they have more character. The one Christie chose is down at the end.”

  They walked slowly. Erin stopped and stuck her head into each room as they passed it. “There aren’t any bathrooms,” she said, then glanced at him over her shoulder. “I’m sorry but I don’t do the chamber pot thing.”

  “No problem. The bathrooms are between bedrooms. See that door on the right?”

  She leaned in the room further, then nodded. “So every two rooms share.”

  “That’s right. With you and Christie on opposite sides of the hall, you’ll each have your own.”

  Kiki came out of the room at the very end. She paused when she saw Erin. “I’ve changed the linens and there are plenty of fresh towels in the bathroom.” She reached into the pocket of her jogging suit pants and pulled out a small plastic box. “I gave Christie a night-light in her bedroom and bath; yours is just in the bath. If you want an extra let me know. I’m going to put one here by your door then another at the end of the hall. It gets dark here at night.” She paused to draw a breath.

  “Thank you,” Erin said. “You’re being very generous. We’ll be fine.”

  “Well if you need anything, just let me know.”

  Kiki was still offering to be of assistance as Parker moved past her. He walked to the room Christie had chosen and paused in the doorway.

  The room was oddly shaped, an L with a bulbous end. Windows allowed light in on two walls. There were built-in seats with puffy cushions and small bookcases. A bed had been pushed up against the wall nearest the door. To the left was the closet and the entrance to the tiled bathroom. Around to the right was the reason Christie had chosen the room in the first place.

  Parker supposed this had once been the schoolroom and the adjoining area had been for play. He set both suitcases down and walked toward the octagonally shaped alcove.

  Small paned windows ran from floor to ceiling. In between them, built-in shelves and cubbyholes filled the walls. There was an old-fashioned rocking horse and a playhouse big enough for Christie to live in.

  When he and Robin had bought this house, they’d talked about the babies they wanted and how much fun those children would have in this room. After she was gone, Parker had almost gutted the floor and started over. But he’d never had the time. Now he was glad. He wanted Christie to enjoy staying with him. He was only going to have her for a small part of her life so he had to make every minute count.

  She was staring out the windows at the ocean.

  “At night the stars come out,” he said. “They are bright and clear but there are too many to count.”

  She spun toward him, a small ragged teddy bear clutched in her arms. Big eyes got bigger. “Daddy, this is the bestest room in the whole world. I’ll love it forever.”

  She rushed toward him. Parker barely had time to brace himself before she plowed into his legs and held on firmly. An uncomfortable and unfamiliar tightness wrapped around his chest.

  “I’m glad you’re here, too,” he said, his voice a little thick. “I want you to be happy here.”

  “I will be.” She looked up and smiled. “And I’ll be very good.”

  He touched the tip of her nose. “I’m sure you will be.”

  “Parker, this is amazing,” Erin said.

  Christie released him and raced to her mother. She grabbed her hand and tugged her around the bed toward the play area. “Mommy, look at this. You can see the ocean and at night Daddy says there’s stars. There’s a rocking horse and a playhouse and a place for all my toys.” Her whole body vibrated with joy.

  Erin looked around, then raised her gaze to him. “I’m stunned. I knew the house was fabulous, but I wasn’t expecting anything like this.”

  “These were all here when we bought the place,” he said, motioning to the wooden playhouse. “Most of the upstairs furniture is original.”

  “But it’s in such good shape.” She moved closer to the rocking horse and touched its flowing mane.

  Parker suspected the toy had been carved by hand. The craftsmanship alone made it functional art. The paint used to highlight the eyes and saddle had muted with time, but it wasn’t flaking.

  “The house had been unoccupied but well cared for when we bought it. It must have been standing empty for nearly twenty years. Everything had been covered up or stored. Every sheet we pulled off exposed a new treasure. It was like Christmas.”

  She tilted her head the same way Christie had the previous day. Her reddish brown hair brushed against her shoulder. “We?” she asked, obviously confused.

  “I-” The sharp pain was familiar. He welcomed the connection to the past. “My late wife and I.”

  “Oh. Of course. I should have realized.” She started back toward the door. “It’s very lovely here. You’ve been quite generous with your home. Christie and I appreciate it.”

  He knew he’d upset her, but he wasn’t sure why. “Erin, please don’t think you have to watch what you say. It’s been over five years since Robin died. You’re not going to accidentally touch a nerve.”

  “I’m glad,” she said and paused by her daughter.

  Christie had opened the smaller of the two suitcases and was pulling out her clothing. Small T-shirts and sweaters, jeans, socks and a couple of dresses were piled on the bed.

  “This is Millie,” Christie said removing a soft doll with an oversize head and brown yarn pigtails. She sat the doll on the bed, propping her up on the pile of clothing. “She’s my favoritest, next to my teddy. I’ve got books, too.” She slapped them down next to the doll.

  Parker perched on the edge of the mattress. “There’s a library here.”

  “I know.” Christie gave him a wide smile. “It’s in the same room with the picture of the pretty lady.”

  “No, there’s another one. On the next floor down. When we bought the house, we got the library, too. These are
old books. I never went through them but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some for children.”

  “Really?” Christie stood up. “Let’s go look.”

  He laughed. “The books aren’t going anywhere. Why don’t you finish unpacking?”

  “You think I should?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Okay.” She dropped to her knees and continued flinging things out of her suitcase. A nightgown sailed across the bed and settled next to him. He stared at the small bit of cotton. It was pink with a picture of a kitten on the front. He touched the ruffle on the edge of the sleeve.

  Her clothing was so small, but then so was she. Four years old. He tried to imagine how tiny she must have been when she was born, but the thought terrified him. He shuddered. She was fragile enough now.

  She tossed up more toys. Other dolls were introduced. The rules of a board game explained. He noticed Erin had left, but he couldn’t say when. He appreciated all she was doing for him. Not many women would have given him the chance to get to know his child. Watching Christie laugh and talk he decided it didn’t matter what this cost him financially. It would be worth it.

  “Where’s the dresser?” Christie asked when the suitcase was empty.

  “Over there,” he said, pointing behind the door.

  “Okay, I’ll put these away and you can hang my dresses.” She thrust three at him.

  He took them and walked to the closet. There were several empty hangers. He took one and slid it into the first dress. His hands were large, his fingers awkward, yet he relished the simple task. Christie continued to chatter away, talking to him and to her dolls, including everyone in the conversation.

  When he was done, he moved back to the bed and touched the top of her head. “I’m going to check on your mom.”

  “Okay. I’m going to read.” She waved one of her books at him, then climbed on the bed. Most of her clothing was still scattered in a pile. Toys were everywhere. In less than ten minutes, the room had gone from perfect order to chaos. He couldn’t have been happier.