Almost Broken: If I Break #2

by Moore, Portia

  “Oh shit,” Aidan says, covering his mouth and laughs.

  I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have let him get to me like that, but I couldn’t help it.

  “But isn’t that all that love at first sight is? Just lust?” Lisa asks, completely unfazed as if she’s about to turn this into a talking point. She should be a philosophy professor instead of a pre-school teacher.

  “On that note, everybody have a good night,” Chris says sharply and stands from the table.

  “Come on, Chris, we’re just having fun” Aidan says, lifting his hands innocently. He doesn’t look at anyone except for me.

  “Stop being such a baby, Chris.” Lisa laughs.

  “Are you ready, Lauren?” Chris asks, ignoring Aidan and Lisa’s nudges.

  “Yeah,” I say, unsure of what is happening, but I’m pretty glad to be rescued from this nightmare. I lift Caylen out of the highchair.

  “Where are you going?” Mr. Scott asks sternly.

  “I wouldn’t want to ruin your appetite anymore, Dad,” he says. I smirk and quickly follow him towards the door.

  “Thank you for dinner, Mrs. Scott,” I say a little awkwardly as I grab Caylen’s diaper bag and my purse, thankful they’re easily in my reach.

  “I can take them back to the hotel,” his dad says, following us out of the house. Like hell that’s happening. I have my own car, and I’ll drive myself before that happens.

  “Yeah, I’m sure Lauren would love that since you’ve been such a nice guy to her since she’s been here,” Chris says sarcastically. Mr. Scott looks down at his feet guiltily. I follow Chris, who’s stomping angrily towards what I’m assuming is his truck. It’s a big red Suburban. I smile as I see the purple car seat installed in the backseat.

  “I picked it up earlier when I got the high chair?” he says, glancing up at me, the anger melting from him. “It’s cute,” I smile as I put in Caylen in her car seat. She likes it. A few seconds later we’re about to pull off when Mrs. Scott appears at the driver side of the car near Chris.

  “I wanted to kiss my granddaughter goodbye if that’s okay,” she says with a warm smile on her face, seemingly unfazed by the previous fiasco. I smile at her. She opens the back door and gives Caylen a kiss on her forehead.

  “See you soon, Princess,” she says to her before giving her a hug as best she can while Caylen’s in her car seat. She then closes the door.

  “You be safe, okay?” she says, patting the top of the car door.

  “Love you, Mom,” Chris says, his stern demeanor softening, and she smiles. He pulls off, and we ride in silence for a while. I want to ask how I’m going to get back to my car, but I guess he’ll pick us up tomorrow. It’ll be nice to let Caylen see him again before we leave. The sky is the beautiful purple color right as the sun is setting and evening is taking over. It hasn’t been three minutes since we left, and Caylen’s drifted off to sleep. I look at Chris through the review mirror. He seems to be in deep thought. I wonder if he’s mad about the comment I made earlier. I could see it being a little embarrassing but I really just wanted his dad to shut up.

  “I’m sorry about earlier,” I say glancing over at him.

  “I shouldn’t have said that.” I sigh. “I’ve had the tendency to say first and think later.”

  He doesn’t say anything, but I see a small smile on his face.

  “I thought I’d gotten better since Caylen, but it just sort of slipped out,” I say, playing with my fingertips.

  “I think you handled that pretty well,” He smirks, then laughs. I do as well.

  “You shut my dad up. Most people aren’t able to do that,” he says, glancing over at me. “You know, I don’t really get why he has so much hostility towards you. It pisses me off because out of everyone involved in this, you’re the most blameless one,” he says, his face frowned up. He’s pissed off at his dad because of me. It feels wrong that I’m a tad bit happy about it, but the better part of me scolds my joy.

  “I don’t think it’s me, per say, he’s pissed off with. He’s angry at Cal. I’m associated with him. I represent or am a reminder that he’s real and what he’s done. He can’t take it out on Caylen, he won’t take it out on you, so I’m his scapegoat,” I reason. Whenever I talk about Cal with Chris, I feel guilty. I’m not sure why, but maybe Chris feels the same way his dad does. He has to. He’s just much better at hiding it.

  “It’s so easy for them to separate the two of us. I think they’re doing a better job at it than me,” he says as he makes the wide turn that leads to lead to the Ritter Inn.

  “What do you mean?” I ask curiously.

  “I keep trying to...” he trails off and sighs. He glances at me momentarily, and I can read every emotion on his face. He’s frustrated and a little sad. It’s almost refreshing to be able to tell what’s wrong with him so easily. I was pretty clueless as to what Cal thought or felt.

  “It’d be easy for me to just think of this guy as another person. Right?” he says, and I nod. I thought that was what we were doing even if we weren’t it makes things a lot less complicated for me.

  “My parents, my friends, Jenna, well maybe not so much Jenna… They’ve separated the two of us. Cal did this, I did that. Cal married you, I proposed to Jenna.” He sighs.

  “But Caylen discredits all of that,” he says, looking at me for a response. I’m not sure what to say. We’ve now pulled into the small parking area for the Ritter Inn. Chris turns off the car but neither of us move to get out.

  “How are you doing with separating us?” he asks, and I’m afraid to look up at him but I do. Our eyes meet but, it’s getting dark out so it feels like a filter.

  “You’re so different,” I say, forcing the words out of my throat. “I haven’t had a lot of time to get to know you, but thinking back on the time I spent with Cal, there were moments that—that he reminded me of you,” I say, and I feel my heart pounding. “Of how you were today at least,” I clarify.

  “Seeing you in those pictures, when you were a little boy, in high school, your life before me—before Cal—I’m guessing.” I take a deep breath. I will not cry.

  “I was able to understand a little more that anytime Cal was with me, your life was interrupted. That you have a life.” I take another deep breath.

  “So I appreciate you not reacting like your father towards me.” I smile and look away from him.

  “Uhm, I, I think you should hear something,” he says. He maneuvers in his seat and pulls out his phone. A few second later the voicemail states he has one saved message. The moment it starts to play I freeze, and my breathing catches. I have to react. I want to show Chris I’m not affected by this, but I am.

  That was Cal.

  That was him, pissed to the max and acting like a complete asshole.

  But that’s Cal.

  My Cal.

  I’m going to be sick. After the euphoria wears off from hearing his voice, I feel betrayed. Completely and utterly betrayed. I’m furious. For the first time, it really hits me that he kept all of this from me. How he didn’t trust me enough to tell me about any of this, how Dexter knew all along. I’ve been thinking of Cal as a victim but he’s not the victim he could have made this right at any time and he didn’t and now, now after all of this he demands for Chris to make it right. I’m gripping the seat so tight my fingers feel hot. When he came back, the little time he had, he didn’t use it to talk to me, to warn me about what was going on, to tell me he loved me. He used it to taunt Chris?!

  “I didn’t play this to upset you,” Chris says quietly, and I nod but I can’t look at him. Right now he has Cal’s face. And I really want to slap that face right now.

  “He’s an asshole, your dad’s right. A fucking asshole,” I say, angrily hitting the dashboard. I feel my throat start to burn. I look back to make sure Caylen’s still asleep and she didn’t hear the words that slipped out of my mouth.

  “But you love him,” Chris says quietly, looking at his lap. I laugh and
wipe away the single tear that has escaped, and I feel like a complete idiot for having to admit it.

  “Yes.” I laugh at myself because I’m a joke, a complete and utter joke. I start to feel claustrophobic in the car. I let down my window for some fresh air to come in.

  “Are you okay?” Chris asks, growing concerned. I haven’t been okay in a long time but no less okay than I’ve been the past week.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, thinking that if I keep saying it enough maybe I will be. I let out a deep breath and slap my hands on my lap. I look over at Chris, who’s looking at me like a lost puppy.

  “I really am, Chris. Thank you for letting me hear that,” I say, plastering my fake smile on my face and wiping the wetness from my eyes. I grab Caylen’s diaper bag off the floor and open my door to get out.

  “I’ll help you up, Lauren,” he says quickly getting out of the truck. I’m a little taken aback at how fast he gets out of the car. It’s not that big a deal. I’m used to juggling Caylen and her diaper bag, but it’s cute. He’s much better at getting Caylen out of her seat than putting her in, but she’s sleeping so that makes it a little easier. I head toward the door of the Inn but he steps ahead of me to open the door. That’s also cute.

  “Mr. Scott!”

  I look back at Chris surprised.

  “Amanda, Hi. A little late for you to be working isn’t it?” he says. His voice has changed; it’s deeper and a bit more authoritative. His posture’s even straightened. The girl at the desk giggles and twirls the ends of her hair. She can’t be more than seventeen and the way her face has flushed pink, I think she has a crush. Not that I blame her.

  “It’s not even 9:30, and I’m not a kid,” she says with a shrug and a flirtatious smile, and for the first time, she notices me and the child he’s holding.

  “Oh my God, she’s so pretty,” she says, glancing over at Caylen. She’s asleep her face resting on Chris shoulder. He walks closer to the counter and turns where she can get a better look.

  “She’s adorable,” she squeals. “Is she your niece?” she asks, touching Caylen’s hand. My stomach drops. Of course, she wouldn’t think she’s his daughter. No one knows about her or me. I feel my chest tighten, wondering what he’s going to say. If he’ll be ashamed or embarrassed. I don’t think I’ll be able to take it if he is.

  “She’s my daughter,” he answers proudly. The girls’ eyes widen, and I let out the breath I was holding. I didn’t expect him to say it so simply.

  “Oh,” is all she can manage to say.

  “This is her mother. Lauren,” he says, and she looks over at me, her mouth agape. I definitely didn’t expect him to add that.

  “Hi,” she says barely above a whisper.

  “We met earlier when I checked in,” I say. She looks as shocked as I am relieved. I suddenly feel light, and there’s a joy coursing through me. He hasn’t really done anything, but to hear him say that feels good. Even though I’m not really sure who she is to him, or if she’s important at all. It feels good we’re not a dirty little secret.

  “Right. Room five,” she says, recovering from her initial reaction.

  “Yup,” I nod.

  “Did you need anything?” she says tightly.

  “No I’m fine.” I shake my head and head towards the stairs to my room.

  “Good night, Amanda,” Chris says to her and follows me to my room.

  “See you, Mr. Scott,” she calls out after us. It’s so much easier to unlock the room when I’m not juggling Caylen. I open the door and flick on the lights.

  “The rooms bigger than your last one,” he says as he comes in behind me. He noticed. The room I had the last time I was here was tiny.

  “It was only an extra thirty dollars too,” I say, closing the door behind him. He stands for a bit taking everything in. There’s toys scattered about but the bed’s made and the room neat, otherwise. He walks over and sits down on the sofa. He carefully takes off Caylen’s coat so as to not wake her and then her shoes.

  “You’re pretty good at this,” I say, a little surprised as I take off my own coat and shoes.

  “Really?” he asks, a wide smile on his face that makes me forget what I just said.

  “I’ve never been around kids this little,” he says honestly.

  “Well you’re doing really well,” I tell him, fixing the space on the bed for her, and he lays her down, then kisses her on the cheek. It’s moments like these that make all the drama I’ve gone through today worth it all.

  “So your first day full day as a dad. How does it feel?” I joke with him. He stuffs his hands in his jeans and smiles.

  He chuckles. “Not too bad.” He gestures towards the couch.

  “Sure,” I say. He sits down stretching out his long legs. I should have already offered him a seat. He’s wearing a brown pair of Timberland boots, and jeans, his big khaki jacket is back.

  “So. Mr. Scott?” I ask him curiously, remembering the girl downstairs.

  “Oh, Amanda. She’s a student at the school I teach at,” he says simply, and my mouth falls open.

  “You’re a teacher?” I ask surprised.

  “Well. A substitute, “he says modestly.

  “That’s great. So you have your bachelor’s degree?” I ask him and he nods.

  Wow.

  Cal didn’t have any respect or interest in higher education.

  “So Amanda was one of your students,” I guess.

  “Yeah, I think she might have a crush on me.” He laughs. Thinks? I’m sure she and every other girl in his school.

  “Yeah, I think you broke her heart when you told her you had a daughter.” I giggle, and he shrugs.

  “So how are we going to do this?” he asks, adjusting his position so he’s facing me. His demeanor change is so abrupt, I’m caught off guard. “I mean with Caylen. I really want to be involved. My parents love her. I know we live pretty far apart but we can make this work right?” he asks for my assurance, and I nod.

  “Yeah. Caylen has really taken to you guys. Whatever I can do to make things easier,” I say honestly. And I see the worry disappear from his face.

  “Good,” he says, his eyes lighting up and it causes my stomach to do flips.

  Chapter 4

  Lauren

  “You’re what?” Raven doesn’t even try to remove the sharpness from her voice.

  “It’s just going to be three weeks. It’s not that big a deal,” I say calmly as I brush out my hair. Truth is, I’m far from calm about this. I’m nervous, a little scared, and anxious. But I can’t let Raven see that I’m unsure about this. When I talked to Chris about going back for three weeks it was so easy to say yes, looking into those warm, green eyes. They’re coaxing and intoxicating. He has a way of easing you into doing what he wants with a shy smile and bright eyes. I would have told him I’d wear a clown suit and heels just to be near him, it didn’t’ seem complicated then or like a dumb idea at all. At the time it wasn’t even a big deal, but as the time for me to go approaches, I begin to see the problem. It’s a big deal, and it’s a very big deal to Raven. She’s tapping her foot, her arms now folded across her chest as she’s standing in my bedroom.

  “I don’t like this, Lauren. I really don’t like this,” she says, shaking her head. I shouldn’t have said anything, but I don’t want to feel like a child that has to sneak around and hide, especially since she’s looking at me like I’m about to be put on punishment.

  “It’s not for you to like. This isn’t about you, Raven. This is what I think is best for Caylen,” I say adamantly.

  “You don’t think I want what’s best for Caylen?” she asks in disbelief.

  “You don’t think that I want what’s best for her?” I ask with thinly veiled sarcasm.

  “I think that your judgment is a little clouded.”

  And here she goes.

  “I believe you should hold off on getting her so involved with Cal…”

  “Chris. His name is Chris,” I interru
pt her, and she rolls her eyes.

  “Involved with Chris until he’s gotten some type of hold on his mental state.”

  I knew this was coming. She walks near me so I can see her face in the mirror.

  “He’s not dangerous, Raven. I’m not worried about him hurting her!” I say pointedly.

  “What about him hurting you?” she says firmly, and I let out a sigh and look away from her gaze.

  “I’m not worried about that either,” I retort.

  “You can’t break what’s already broken,” I mutter under my breath as I finish my braid and tie it at the end. I stand up, and she grabs my shoulder. “Almost broken.” I roll my eyes at her and get up to put on my gym shoes.

  “You’re not broken yet. I can see it in your eyes. I know you, Lauren. You haven’t given up hope.”

  “What’s so bad about me having a little hope, Raven? Is it such a bad thing?” I ask her, but I know the answer to that. I just wish someone could make me feel a little better about it. Raven lets out a deep sigh, and I know she’s not going to be the one to do it.

  Angela. I should have told Angela first.

  “Honey. You’ve been through so much with Cal…this man. He’s put you through so much,” she says solemnly, but maybe it’s better if she yells. Anything’s better than her somberness. It makes me feel pathetic

  “You know, I was a big supporter of the two of you, but he’s damaged goods. He’s in love with another woman.” First knife through my heart. “You’ve given him the ok to move on.” Second knife. “You say that he isn’t Cal and if that’s true, he doesn’t love you that way.” Screw the knife. She’s ripped out my heart and is stomping on it.

  She takes my hand like it will make her words hurt less. I bite my lip, I refuse to cry. This is stuff I already know and I’ve told myself a thousand times. “I don’t want to see you get hurt any more. You need to let him go,” she says, stressing the last part.

  Let him go.

  She’s not the first to say it. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. She’s right about every single thing she’s said. I just wish it was as easy to do as other people think it is.