Almost Broken: If I Break #2

by Moore, Portia

  “I—I can’t do that. Jenna won’t take it as a break, especially after I proposed to her.”

  “Christopher, when you marry someone, there should be no doubt or second guessing,” my mom says, her soft tone stern.

  “When I married your father, I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with him and not think twice. There was no other person that I wanted or imagined myself being with,” she says, a warm smile spreading across her face. After all these years, she still loves him.

  “If you can’t say that, there’s a big problem,” she says adamantly. “I know that Jenna was there for you, that she was a great friend to you while I was sick. I love her for that and was glad you had someone that was able to pull you out of your depression and help you face things.”

  I can hear the “but” coming.

  “…But there was so much going on at that time, and you were just settling back into your life that had been interrupted so frequently. I know that you love her.” She takes my hand.

  “Are you in love with her, honey? Are you with Jenna at this moment because you love her and can’t imagine not having her in your life?”

  I start to think about what she’s just said. I love Jenna, I do. Am I in love with her…I can feel my heart beating with each word she says. I never really thought about being in love with a person. Movies romanticize everything. They make being in love seem sugar-coated, a roller coaster, surreal. I think love is sacrifice. True love is being with someone through the hard times, through sickness, through poverty. My parents faced all of that. I know that they love each other. I know that I could do that for Jenna. I know that Jenna would do that for me. Still there’s moments like now when my mom talks about my dad and her eyes light up. The moments they’re together when no one is watching ,when they’re actions aren’t for show, that I think maybe being in love isn’t a fairy tale…and when Cal looked at Lauren—when I looked at Lauren. Suddenly, my heart starts beating in my ears. I feel nervous, my skin is hot, and it becomes harder to breath. Like my body has forgotten how. My chest is getting tighter and tighter.

  “Christopher, are you okay?” My vision is getting blurry.

  “I—I can’t breathe,” I choke out. “My chest,” I say, standing up trying to catch my breath but it’s not working. I see my mom’s eyes widen in horror.

  “William! William!”

  Her yells turn to screams as I hear footsteps leaving the room. My whole body is shaking. It’s harder and harder to breath.

  “I’m calling 911,” I hear someone say, but everything is starting to sound muffled.

  I don’t know who says what.

  Then.

  I feel a warm hand on my arm and I’m pushed back on the couch.

  “I think he’s having a heart attack,” a voice says.

  “He’s not having a heart attack,” says another voice.

  A moment later, someone is sitting on top of me, warm hands grip my chin and lift my head up.

  It’s Lauren, sitting on top of me, on my lap. Her hands are shaking she’s holding my head in them and making me look at her.

  “Chris, you have to breathe,” she says, her voice is shaky but stern. “Everything is okay. You just have to breath,” she’s says again, I nod as I try to do as she says. My mom has Caylen in her arms, but is still on the phone.

  “Deep breaths, Chris. Everything is fine,” she says, stroking my head, holding my cheek close to her chest. My chest untightens and air is starting to fill my lungs again. I feel my temperature cooling, my heart not racing as fast.

  “It’s going to be okay. Breathe through your nose now,” she says, continuing to stroking my head. Her voice isn’t shaky anymore and instead calm, sweet like a lullaby, all of my senses slowly return to normal.

  “What just happened?” mom say frantically. I glance up at her, her color almost gone from her face. She’s shaking with Caylen in one hand and a phone in the other.

  “Oh, yes ma’am, never mind. Everything’s fine. He’s going to be okay,” she says into the phone.

  “He just had a panic attack,” Lauren says, still holding me close to her. I notice my arms are around her back. I don’t even remember putting them there, but it feels natural, and I’m still not letting her go.

  “My friend used to have them,” she says quietly. I feel her leaning back from me. I loosen my grip around her waist. I’m too embarrassed to look up at her. She lifts my chin up so that I have to look at her, and she smiles. The sweetest smile I’ve ever seen from her, the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen in my life. She’s like an Angel.

  “You saved me,” I tell her, looking up into those big hazel eyes. I didn’t know how much I missed seeing them until now.

  She shakes her head. “You weren’t dying.” She giggles.

  “I almost died!” my mom says, letting out a breath of relief. She holds a hand to her chest.

  “What’s going on?” My dad’s voice is sharp and angry, and everyone’s attention in the room goes to him. Lauren immediately slips off my lap.

  “Chris, he had some sort of panic attack” my mom explains.

  “I thought I was having a heart attack,” I explain, missing the warmth of Lauren’s body. My dad frowns.

  Lauren’s back with a glass of water. I take it from her.

  “Thank you,” I say gratefully.

  “No problem,” she says simply, a small smile on her face.

  She’s looking at me again.

  “I really thought he was dying,” my mom says, her voice choking out. Lauren takes Caylen from my mom’s arms, and as soon as she does, she rushes over and hugs me.

  “I’m sorry, Mom,” I say. She looks more afraid than I was.

  “Don’t do that again,” she says sternly, and I laugh after she kisses me on the head like I’m five.

  “Thank you, Lauren,” she says, then goes over to her and squeezes her tight.

  “I was so scared, William,” she says, relived then swats my dad on the shoulder.

  “What took you so long?” she asks him angrily.

  “I came as fast as I could,” he says defensively.

  First DID, and now panic attacks? What a great catch I am, but at least it was better than a blackout.

  “What happened?” my dad asks gruffly.

  “It just came out of nowhere. We were talking, and he went pale. He was shaking and then saying he couldn’t breathe,” my mom answers for me.

  Lauren looks at me a little suspiciously.

  “What were you talking about?” my dad asks.

  “Nothing in particular,” my mom answers again.

  “Thank God Lauren was here. That would have been another medical bill that we don’t need,” I say, standing from the couch and stretching my limbs.

  “Yeah, thank God,” my dad mumbles before leaving the room. Now I feel heat on my face and everything starts to blur out around me, and I’m no longer in my parents’ house but in a small apartment with boxes all stacked up.

  “Thank God that’s the last box. I didn’t think that many clothes could fit in this apartment,” Lauren says, flopping onto a small white couch in a little apartment. Her hair’s up in a ponytail, and she’s wearing a tiny white t-shirt, revealing her stomach as her sweatpants sit low on her waist.

  “Well everyone’s closet can’t be big as a freakin’ living room, Mr. Scott,” she quips, walking towards me. He pull her by the hand to sit on his lap.

  “Yours will now,” he retorts as his lips find her neck.

  “It will.” She giggles, wiggling on his lap.

  “Don’t wake up the monster unless you want him to come out to play,” he says in her ear.

  “Maybe I want him to come out to play,” she says seductively, her hands rubbing against his crotch, in a second he’s rolled on top her on the couch.

  “I was kidding!” She laughs in his face, and he tickles her until she turns red.

  “Stop. Cal. Please,” she says in between fits of laughter. He stop and
kisses her on the neck, and she wraps her arms around his neck.

  “Is it always going to be this great?” she asks sincerely.

  “It’ll be even better,” he says confidently, and she bites her lip and sighs.

  “I can’t believe next month we’ll be married,” she squeals, and then her expression falls. “Are you sure you really want to marry me? To be with me and just me for the rest of your entire life? When I’m old wrinkly, gray, and my boobs sag down to the floor?” she asks, her eyes sparkling.

  “I didn’t sign up for saggy boobs,” he says with a grimace, shaking his head. She frowns at him, and then he cracks a smile. She pushes him away.

  “I haven’t second guessed us since the moment you said yes,” he says with certainty.

  “You see something good in me. You look at me like I’m not a problem or a villain,” he says, rubbing the skin on her back, and she looks troubled.

  “Who would look at you like that? The people who work for you?” she guesses.

  “No, it doesn’t matter. The important thing is you don’t,” he says with a shrug.

  “I could never look at you like that,” she promises with a smile so wide both her dimples are showcased by it. “What do you see when you look at me?” she asks quietly.

  “Someone kind, loyal, affectionate, who wants to give as much love as she gets,” he says looking her in the eye.

  “So my looks don’t matter at all?” she jokes.

  “Oh no, they do. You’re hot has hell,” he replies, giving her butt a squeeze, and she laughs.

  “I’ll never look at you like that,” she says quietly. “You’ll never be my villain. You’ll always be my prince charming,” she says reassuringly, exactly how she just did, sitting on my lap in the midst of a panic attack.

  “You promise?” he asks her, his tone almost vulnerable.

  “I promise,” she says before kissing him.

  HHH

  They say near-death experiences tend to wake you up and make you see things in a different light. I wouldn’t necessarily call a panic attack as a near-death experience, but it woke me up. I felt like I was sleepwalking for the past week and a half, breathing but not living, hearing but not listening, and now I want to see, I want to listen, I want to feel.

  I never would willingly want a panic attack, but I’ll take that over a blackout any day. I wonder where he is, if Cal has given up. I’d think a panic attack would be his opening to slip through at the sign of trouble, but he didn’t…and my body nearly shut down because he didn’t, but I’m ignoring that fact. I came back from it. I came back from it because of Lauren. Her smile woke me up out of the emotional dessert I was in. Her touch brought me back, her calming voice let me know everything would be okay. She was what was missing, not the shell of her, but the real her.

  I missed her and missing her made me feel like a part of me was missing. The thing is the part of me that was missing could be the part of me that I want gone… The moment after I felt her open up to me again, not even minutes later, I had another memory come full force. I know now she’s a trigger. That’s one thing my dad is right about, but I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing. What I need to know now is what to do about it.

  She’s strong, but fragile. She puts up a hard shell around herself but she’s vulnerable, and I know my actions affect her more than anyone. Well almost anyone, and that’s the problem. What scares me more than anything is that the memories that make me feel closer to her makes me seem closer to him. This bond that I see between them is between her and him. Cal.

  She loves him, and I think besides Caylen, more than anyone. How can I compete with that? How could she ever look at me and not wish that I was him, but today, I’m not going to worry about that. If they had memories, then we need to make our own. That’s what I’ve been telling myself as I stand outside her door with this box in my hand. I feel like a creep. I set the box down, my nerves getting the best of me. If she shoots me down, it’s going to take me a few days to recover, but then again maybe I need to be shot down. I haven’t talked to Jenna today, and I know that I need to, but right now I’m trying to take one thing at a time. I decide to just do it. I knock on her door, then I think why I didn’t just send her a text. It’s quiet in her room, no sound of music or talking. It’s 9:30 so she could be sleep. Before I can overanalyze any further, she opens the door and looks at me curiously. The funny thing is, she has on a white tank and sweats just like in the last memory I had of her, but this time a white sweater is covering it.

  “How are you feeling?” she asks, looking at me and not staring past me. I can’t explain how good that feels.

  “I’m good, really good actually,” I say honestly, and a smile spreads across her face. “I—I got you something to say thanks,” I say, and she looks at me curiously.

  “Really?” she asks, excitement creeping into her voice. She’s excited.

  “Yeah,” I say, my own excitement growing.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” she says, almost reminding herself she shouldn’t be.

  “I wanted to,” I say sincerely.

  “If you want to throw on a jacket. I want to show you outside. I’ll tell my mom to listen in on Caylen,” I explain. She looks at me suspiciously, a glint in her eye.

  “Uhm. Okay. Just give me a minute.” She says, and I nod. I head upstairs and tell my mom to listen in on Caylen, and she agrees. I grab the box and meet Lauren back at her room.

  “For me?” she guesses, her eyes gleaming, and I nod. I gesture for her to come with me. Once we make it outside, I can tell she’s anxious. The box is pretty big so I hold it for her.

  “Can I open it now?” she asks enthusiastically. I nod, and she quickly lifts the top off revealing a pair of brand new white roller skates and she starts to laugh.

  “You shouldn’t have,” she says, picking one up and examining it closely.

  “You don’t like them?” I say, trying to hide my disappointment, and she quickly shakes her head.

  “No, they’re beautiful. It’s just, well, you saw me back at the rink. The only thing I’m worse at is cooking.” She chuckles.

  “My mom says you’re getting better at it,” I assure her, and she shrugs.

  “Are you going to try them on?” I ask her, and she looks a little skeptical.

  “I was just so bad at it last time,” she says nervously, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear.

  “Aidan just sucked as a teacher,” I tease her.

  She looks at me skeptically, but then concedes. She sits down on the porch, takes off her shoes, and carefully puts on both skates.

  “Okay, give me your hands,” I say, and she slowly puts them out. I take them and pull her towards me. Except it’s a little too fast, and her chest crashes into mine. She looks up at me apologetically.

  “Sorry, I told you I suck,” she says quietly. Looking down at her, I have to fight the urge to kiss her. It’s hard, but I do. I show her how to stop with the break on the skates, and how it’s better if she tries to slide her feet than walk choppily how she was with Aidan. After about a half an hour she’s confident enough to try without holding my hand, and when she skates a few feet by herself, you’d think she won the lottery.

  “I can’t believe it!” she squeals as she carefully turns around and starts to skate towards me. She doesn’t go that fast, but her movements are much more fluid than before.

  “You’re a much better teacher than Aidan was,” she quips once she makes her way to me.

  “In his defense, I think he liked you falling all over him,” I tell her, and she looks away from me bashfully. She clears her throat and runs her hand through her hair.

  “Can you help me over to the stairs.” She giggles, sticking out her hand. I laugh and take it. Her hand feels so small in mine but we fit. She sits on the stairs and starts to untie her skates.

  “About that night,” she says quietly, and I feel my stomach drop. “I’m sorry that I did that,” she says glancin
g at her skates.

  “You don’t owe me an apology,” I tell her.

  “No. I should. I wasn’t thinking,” she says quietly. “I was but not with my brain.” She giggles.

  “It’s just this is a lot harder for me than I thought it would be,” she continues. “I think I’m doing pretty well. God, if this would have been three years ago.” She laughs, shaking her head. “It still wasn’t an excuse for the position I put you in. I know that you want us to be friends and I didn’t think at first I could be okay with that,” she says, glancing up at me. “But today, when you had your panic attack, it occurred to me how much I need you. And, even though it was not life-threatening, I realized that I need you in my life,” she says, her eyes on mine, the sincerity in her voice sends a chill up my spine. “And not just for Caylen,” she says quickly. “So if it has to be as a friend. I can learn to do that. There may be times here and there where I’ll need a little space to remind myself that I’m your friend.” She chuckles. “But I can do that. I don’t want to lose this. I like getting to know you. It’s just hard sometimes for me because the more I get to know you, the more I…” She stops herself and gives me a weak smile.

  “What?” I ask her, walking closer to her. I just need her to say it. I look her in the eye, my heart beating rapidly, and she looks up at me like she’s contemplating. If she would just say it.

  “Chris.” We turn to see my dad approaching us.

  “Thank you for the skates it was really nice of you,” Lauren says quietly before glancing at my Dad.

  “Mr. Scott,” she says, acknowledging him before going into the house. Once she’s inside, my dad’s hard glare turns to me.

  “What was that about?” he asks and shrugs.

  “We went skating, and Lauren didn’t know how so I thought I’d show her,” I say simply.

  “You think that’s a smart idea?” he asks sarcastically.

  “I don’t see anything wrong with it, and that’s what matters,” I say before heading up the stairs.

  “Chris….” My vision starts to blur again, and I see myself storming down the stairs of my house. My face is red, there are tears in my eyes, and I look furious. My dad flies out of the house behind me.