by E
CHAPTER 19
shmirshky jackpot
My period was like gum on a shoe, and I still was not functioning well. I wasn’t sleeping, my night sweats persisted, and my breasts were growing like water balloons. My boobs got so big that one afternoon, while sitting in a boardroom meeting with four other people, a button actually popped right off my blouse and onto the table! Everyone pretended they didn’t see it, which I suppose is the polite thing to do when a shmirshky’s bra is suddenly exposed during a business meeting. If I had known I was going to give a show that day, I would have worn a much sexier bra. I was mortified! Luckily, I was wearing a blazer to cover up my big hips, so I was able to use the blazer to conceal the gaping hole in my blouse.
Needless to say, I started to question my HRT regimen. It seemed that my gynecologist at the time had a “one-size-fits-all” way of handling patients. I kept thinking that there must be a better way of determining how to home in on my specific needs so that I would function at a more optimum level. I was intent on finding a new doctor.
I had to go through several gynecologists and different courses of action until I eventually hit the jackpot. I was at a dinner party with a very revered and wonderful retired gynecologist. We were loading the dishwasher, and all of a sudden I just unloaded all my PM&M challenges. As tears streamed down my face, frustration and sadness poured out of me. Our host was so sweet, comforting, and reassuring. He told me that I did not have to feel this way. He assured me that he had a gynecologist for me to go to, one who understood that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer for every shmirshky. This doctor had been studying PM&M for quite some time and would find the answers that were right for me.
As soon as I got home, I went right to my computer and began reading all I could about this referral. In addition, the next morning I called other shmirshkies to see if any of them had heard of this doctor. Then I made an appointment for David and me to interview him. I was anxious for this appointment and hopeful that there were better days ahead for me.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this doctor! He was truly a godsend. He gathered detailed information about all of my symptoms in a manner and depth that no other doctor had ever done. By doing this he was able to zero in on my personal needs; he treated me in a very specific and conservative fashion. At long last, I had a partner helping with my decisions. I had finally hit my shmirshky jackpot!
CHAPTER 20
shmirshky redecorated
Shmirshkies love to redecorate. We change our hair color at the drop of a hat, the length of our dresses, the color of our walls, and the layout of our living rooms. We love to remodel things. Often if we don’t like something, we just get rid of it.
Let me stop right here and say that if you think that all is solved if you redecorate the shmirshky by having a hysterectomy,58 you are in for a rude awakening. If you’re told by your doctor to have a hysterectomy, please, please, please be sure to get a couple of opinions before you book the surgery. Remember, reaching out is IN; suffering in silence is OUT.
shmirshky party alert!
My friend Joan found out she was estrogen dominant59 (see chapter 15, “To HRT or Not to HRT?”), and her gynecologist immediately told her that she needed to have a hysterectomy. Instead of rushing into surgery, she got a second opinion and ultimately decided against surgery.
Gloria’s experience was very similar, although it happened thirty years earlier. Gloria was estrogen dominant as well, and her doctor told her, “If you were my wife, your uterus would be in a jar.” That’s pretty harsh language. I wonder how he would react if someone told him, “If you were my husband, your testicles would be in the trash.” Gloria canned the doctor and the surgery. Remember, second opinions are always a good idea.
Many shmirshkies do not do this; they just get one opinion. Listen carefully: when you have a hysterectomy and your ovaries are removed, your body goes immediately into M. As you can imagine, this can be quite a shocker to both your body and your soul! Other potential side effects of a hysterectomy may include incontinence60 and pain during sex. It’s important to be sure you really need to do this. Discuss your options and the potential side effects with your doctor. I read a wonderful article in More Magazine’s December 2008/January 2009 issue called “The Endangered Uterus” by Peg Rosen (love the title!). Take a look at this before you redecorate.
shmirshky party alert!
Erin had a complete hysterectomy in 1991. “I did not think this surgery was going to be so devastating to my way of life,” she says. Erin is now sixty-three and recently had to have a second surgery—for incontinence. She describes the surgery as “The kind most women apparently do not like to talk about.” Incontinence is not entirely uncommon for shmirshkies who have had their uterus removed, because the uterus holds up other organs in a shmirshky’s body. As Beth Battaglino Cahill puts it in “The Endangered Uterus” article, “Removing [the uterus] is like pulling out the cork from an upside-down wine bottle. Unless the woman has strong muscles, her bladder or her bowels can descend into her vagina.” I admire Erin for sharing her experience. It’s a good reminder that surgery can sometimes cause as many problems as it solves.
Not all shmirshkies experience the devastating side effect that Erin did. After several consultations, Darby and Monica each found that they needed to have a hysterectomy. Their doctors spent time preparing them for the post-surgical hormonal responses. Together with their doctors they developed a customized plan for post-surgery shmirshky health.
shmirshky party alert!
Darby was thirty-nine years old, married for two years, and was “Deliriously happy with a perfect sex life.” She told me, “I had a period that came every twenty-eight days like clockwork, blessedly light flow, no cramps, bloating, or other problems. Then suddenly it all changed and I began having erratic periods, heavy flow with spotting in between, insomnia, mood swings, and cramps.” It turned out that Darby had endometriosis61 and her ovaries were in cell change.62 “My doctor prepared me for surgically induced menopause,” she said. “I was put on HRT immediately after surgery. I have been completely free of menopausal miseries ever since, and have the bonus of not having to worry about contracting ovarian, uterine, or cervical cancer.”
Monica was in her late fifties when she redecorated. Her doctor had a tremendous amount of problems balancing her HRT. As she explained, “I was turning into a crazy person—bleeding and possessed. I had a hysterectomy in my late fifties (eight years ago). It was done laparoscopically. I am not a bit disfigured by it, and in fact, I have a perfect menopausal body. This surgery saved my life and my marriage.”
It’s important to be cautious like Joan and Gloria, but if you find, after getting multiple opinions like Darby and Monica, that a hysterectomy is the only solution for you, then be sure to find a doctor who will take the time to tell you what you’ll be experiencing and help you understand your options. Peg Rosen’s article also gives you a list of all the different styles you can choose from. You can’t pick from traditional, contemporary, or California classic, but you have choices. Read about them!
CHAPTER 21
sex in the desert
I was born in Flint, Michigan, but when I was five we moved to Tucson, Arizona. I loved the desert. I always thought it was beautiful. What does this have to do with PM&M, you ask? When you’re in PM&M, before you realize it, you may find that you’re lost in a sex slump. Your shmirshky switches from naked and frolicking on a tropical island to being spiteful and stranded in the Mojave Desert. You find yourself doing anything you can to avoid going to bed. Let me just stop here and say that there were no crumbs in my kitchen drawers, nor a hair floating anywhere in my bathroom. My kitchen sink sparkled, and every e-mail anyone ever wrote me suddenly required an immediate response before I could even consider going to bed. Are you getting my drift? Our wonderful afternoon delights turned into trips to get ice cream. Basically our sex life took an immediate nosedive . . . only not into shmirshky land!
Part of th
is slump was caused by my extremely dry shmirshky. Sex hurt! Those two words should not be back to back. Let’s face it; you need an ocean to surf! These changes seemed to creep up on me. Of course, I was trying to be “fine.”
I tried subtly sneaking in questions to my fellow shmirshkies about this problem. Everyone danced around it until I got the courage to just come right out with it and ask, “Did your sex life change? Was your shmirshky dry?” Don’t misunderstand me, the shmirshky doesn’t suddenly look like a prune—it’s the inside that feels like it has been dehydrated!
I found out that almost every PM&M shmirshky I talked to had experienced some time in the desert, and every one of us was embarrassed to talk with our doctors about this issue. Shmirshkies, let’s not take the orgasm out of our lives! No need to do that!
You may find that these symptoms hit you later in your PM&M path. When this happens, pick up the phone, call your doctor, and ask to have your free/total testosterone and estrogen checked. You may have had them checked three months ago and they were normal, but with these symptoms, it is possible that they’re not at a functional level anymore. Low testosterone contributes to a lack of sex drive. Low estrogen contributes to vaginal dryness. Low is not fun! There is help for this. Take a page out of my book and don’t be afraid to be open and speak freely with your doctor. My new doctor fixed this problem in no time by adjusting my HRT. Share your sexual challenges with your partner as well. This open communication is so much healthier and might even make dealing with the challenge a little less stressful.
With a little lube and/or HRT, you can be back frolicking on the beach in no time! Now you can give those flannel pajamas you’ve been sleeping in a few nights off. You know what I’m referring to, the pj’s that say “closed for business” to your partner. Find some fun new things to sleep in! “The change” doesn’t have to be such a downer . . . instead, change it up!
CHAPTER 22
no needles in my shmirshky
I am excited to report that I eventually did find some truly magic hands! I learned from my shmirshky recon that some shmirshkies found great relief from hot flashes and other PM&M symptoms by receiving acupuncture.63
shmirshky party alert!
I passed that information on to my friend Cory, who was really struggling with hot flashes. She didn’t want to go on HRT, so she tried acupuncture. I loved hearing how successful this was for Cory. Are you sitting down? After four appointments she was freed from her random drench sessions! Cory still visits every once in a while as part of her health regimen or perhaps just to hug the acupuncturist for turning off her leaking faucet. Recently, Cory notched up her work-out routine by adding more cardio. The combination of acupuncture and aerobic exercise (intentional perspiration can be so wonderful) helped alleviate her mood swings as well. Acupuncture, like any medical treatment, is meant to be just one part of an overall healthy lifestyle. Go, Cory!
Janice is another shmirshky who managed her PM&M symptoms with acupuncture. Janice went to a school of acupuncture once a week (sometimes twice a week at first). Her dominant PM&M symptoms were heart palpitations and anxiety. There were nights when Janice would lie in bed with her heart pounding so hard that she thought she was about to have a heart attack. Can you imagine how scary that was? Janice decided to give acupuncture a whirl, and she ended up taking a Chinese herbal cocktail (I prefer vodka, personally) along with her acupuncture treatments. She said that while the acupuncture didn’t totally relieve her symptoms, it helped significantly. Janice, like Cory, now continues to visit her acupuncturist as part of her general health routine.
Of course, you want to be sure that whomever you go to has a national and state license, and is well trained. Be sure to do your research.64 Some acupuncturists want to give you all kinds of herbs along with your treatment; remember that these are medicines too.
While my HRT was starting to make an impact, I wanted to try acupuncture for myself. I should have asked Cory or Janice where they put the needles, because my palms were wet and beads of sweat were racing down my face as I walked toward the acupuncturist’s office. I subtly patted the sweat off my forehead as I looked down to see if my shmirshky was sweating. It had been a while since that had happened, but my shmirshky was really scared.
I didn’t want anyone to think I was having a minor panic attack, but let’s be honest, it was a cool spring day and I looked like I had just walked out of a sauna. I wasn’t fooling anyone. I thought my shmirshky was about to become a pincushion.
Once I entered the office lobby, the whole feeling of the space immediately calmed me. I filled out pages and pages of forms about my health, medications, vitamins, etc., and then the acupuncturist and I discussed my situation in great depth. I was taken with the amount of time that she spent with me and the detail of her questions. I gave her a copy of my most recent hormone, TSH, and cholesterol lab work. Next we went into a small room that looked similar to a massage room. There was a bed covered in sheets. I was told to get undressed (but keep my underwear on) and slip under the sheets. “Keep my underwear on?” I thought. “No needles in my shmirshky!” I tried to keep my elation under wraps, but inside I was having a private shmirshky party.
The acupuncturist was very gentle. It was so interesting to me that there wasn’t even one needle near my shmirshky. Quite honestly, it all went so smoothly that I’m not sure where all the needles went. Only one time did it feel uncomfortable, and that was in a spot somewhere on my left foot. I have heard that to some, feet can be very sensual. I’ve never subscribed to this, as I have a second toe that looks like a foot-long hot dog and protrudes way beyond my big toe. This sight being quite bizarre, I have never encouraged any sexual partner to wander down near my dangling dogs. In the acupuncture world, however, the feet talk to the shmirshky. Good to know.
The very best part of the acupuncture hour is the massage you get while the needles are in (be sure to ask for this). I believe I was carried away somewhere far from PM&M land. I noticed my body sinking into the bed and my extremities becoming like J-e-l-l-O—all smooshy and gooshy and wonderful. I didn’t want to leave. I paid for this wonderful service and floated out of the office.65
CHAPTER 23
let my shmirshky go
Remember me, the Master Organizer? Well, apparently I had one humongous messy drawer with stuff bulging out of it that I had neglected for years. I know it’s a shocker. After all, my closet is organized by color and clothing type, and each hanger is facing the same direction. All the towels in my linen closet are perfectly folded and aligned by size and color. Nothing in my house is messy; I am always ready to have a party at the drop of a hat; no special cleaning needed! I never leave my house without making my bed. My mom assured me that this is very important. After all, someone could stop by! In the thirty-nine years since I moved out of my mother’s home, no one has ever stopped by and gone into my bedroom—not even her. Still, I am always ready.
So, please explain to me how the Supreme Master Organizer of the Universe had a messy drawer anywhere.
The answer is simple: the messy drawer was in my head. You see, I had spent many years choosing to focus on others’ needs and emotions, leaving no time to focus on my own. It was so much easier being there for others than it was being there for myself. I am way more of a handful.
Once again, I found PM&M teaching me many new things. I had no choice but to open up this drawer, as all kinds of emotions had started bursting out of it. The crazier my hormones were, the more difficult it was for me to keep this drawer closed. Oh, yes, I tried. I mentally shoved a gigantic, heavy chair under the knob, but it didn’t work. So I decided to let it all out. Yes, you have to take everything out, one item at a time. There are no shortcuts to this. If you empty only half the drawer, the other half will still be a bursting mess.
Here is how I did it. Every evening I took a wonderful, relaxing bath. It was here that I was completely alone. Surrounded by my bath salts and bubbles, I carefully opened my bulging drawer. I to
ok out one emotion at a time and let myself feel. These feelings were a part of me. I needed to acknowledge and respect them. Most of my life I only knew how to be Type A, but now I was learning how to just B!66
Some nights I cried. Some nights I laughed. Some nights I was angry and disappointed. Most important, I allowed myself to not be “fine.” I realized many new things about myself—some that I liked, some that I wanted to change. Change is good.
Shmirshkies are brought up to be the caregivers, but we must learn how to think inside the box and take care of ourselves. Find your own special time and place to go through your drawer. It takes time, so be patient and love yourself through the process. Not everything you’ve done will look or feel so good in retrospect, but that’s okay—no one is perfect. Love and respect the old you, just as you embrace the new.
By the way, there’s no need to put all that stuff back in the drawer! No folding neatly or organizing by color. Practice tackling the emotions as they arise. If the drawer starts to build up again, go back and clean it out. Try going through your drawer each night (maybe after you brush your teeth). If you find that there are a few big issues in that drawer that require a professional organizer, don’t be afraid to find a counselor to help you.
We need to learn how to be comfortable with being vulnerable. I found that when I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I became fearless. A fearless shmirshky is a wonderful thing!
CHAPTER 24
sumo free
So many times I felt alone during PM&M, except, of course, for the sumo wrestler in my head. You know the massive wrestlers who wear those mawashi loincloths? A guy like that! He is big. I mean, really, really big and very intimidating. In real life they might be nice guys, but in my mind, my sumo is always saying horrible things to me, like: