by E
• You’re getting old and wrinkled.
• You’ll never sleep well again.
• You’re already fat, so you might as well finish all that cookie dough and skip baking the cookies.
• You’re not smart anymore.
• You’re not sexy anymore.
• You’d better fix this PM&M.
• You’d better get this book done fast and make it perfect!
You want to hear something crazy? My sumo never wrestles me down. He never even touches me. I just fall down all by myself! Who gives him all this power? Why is he in charge?
I’ve spent so much wasted time listening to my sumo. Apparently, he has been in there a long time—way too long. Recently, I was going through old scrapbooks, and I realized that I have never been happy with my body. Even as teenagers running around in bikinis, my girlfriends and I always thought we were fat. I look at old pictures now and think I was nuts. Most of us shmirshkies act like it’s our job to feel fat our whole lives. Now when I look at myself in the mirror, I think, “I am FF!” (Fucking Fabulous! Sorry, Mom.)
To top it all off, many of us seem to be experts at not having a good relationship with food. I abused my food terribly. I would grab a huge container of ice cream and scarf it down. When I ate that first scoop or bite of raw cookie dough or that cupcake, it was so yummy! But when I power ate, I was in an abusive relationship with my food. I know it sounds silly, but PM&M helped me to take a look at this dysfunctional relationship in my life. Now I try to treat my food with kindness, like I do my other relationships. No more mean eating!
shmirshky party alert!
I was curious if everyone had a sumo. Do you remember my friend Patty? She’s a stunning, sweet, ex-ballerina, retired entrepreneur, culinary master, multilinguist, and voracious reader (it’s important that you understand her extraordinary talents before you read her answer). Her answer sounded pretty familiar. “I was always a perfectionist and most of my life I felt confident that what I was doing was good. As I got older, my sumo got stronger. As fashion and appearance, weight and leg length became bigger issues, my sumo grew in power. As a dancer, my legs were too short and too big; at least, that’s what my sumo told me. During PM&M, my looks and behavior began to change and I grew less and less confident in myself. I became more susceptible to sumo influence and much more insecure with everything I did or said. Tread lightly, sumo in session!”
I asked Debbi the same question and she said, “Wrestling down my sumo is a full-time job. Sometimes I win, sometimes my sumo wins.”
Often, when I’m battling my sumo, I remind myself of my friend Yvette. Yvette had a very flamboyant, artsy kind of style. You would often see her in top hats, feathers, and large, funky jewelry. We would have lunch at least twice a week and talk on the phone every day. There was never a time that Yvette didn’t mention how unhappy she was with her weight and her wrinkles. In my eyes, she was a beautiful shmirshky with passion, boundless energy, and a one-of-a-kind style. I often wished that I could have helped her to see what I saw.
It never happened. Yvette was diagnosed with a very serious and aggressive form of cancer. Toward the end, she could no longer eat a thing. She became so thin and frail; she was wasting away. I thought about all those years Yvette had spent being self-critical. We all do it. Toward the end of her time, Yvette would have given anything to be able to gain weight and get more wrinkled. I remind myself of this often when I’m putting on my makeup and my sumo reappears. Sumo, be gone!
Being aware of your sumo is so helpful because he shows up a lot! Now when my sumo jumps in my face and begins yelling at me, I try to minimize him—I make him smaller in my mind. Over time, he keeps shrinking. He’s a tiny sumo now, not nearly as scary. Try living every day SUMO FREE!
CHAPTER 25
the sisterhood of the shrinking pants
It doesn’t matter if you start out as a size 0 or a size 20; your body is going to change. I’m quite sure that one night while I was sleeping, the PM&M alien came and put my body in a blender and turned it on high. Nothing is where it used to be. I also thought the alien was shrinking my clothes. My wardrobe seemed to be getting smaller and smaller! This happens to almost every PM&M shmirshky I talk to. It is not your fault. Your body slows down, and at the same time you find yourself depressed. So what does a gal do when she is down? Eat bad carbs, of course! Bad carbs love PM&M shmirshkies. They stick on your body and won’t let go. I heard the sumo yelling at me, “Eat all these carbs now!”
Before I knew it, I was gravitating toward the looser clothes in my wardrobe. I noticed I was wearing the same things over and over again. Why didn’t anyone tell me about PM&M earlier, when I was pregnant? I would have saved some of those loose tops, dresses, and pants with the stretchy fabric over the belly.
My clothes were getting dusty! Most of them had not seen the light of day in a long, long time. I began trying every diet in the book along with cranking my workouts up to high intensity. I should have been a pencil, but instead I was even hungrier and the buttons on my clothes were still popping!
Since we live in a society that is obsessed with weight, many shmirshkies turn to diet and exercise as a way to drop pounds during PM&M. Of course, everyone’s body is different: some shmirshkies find that healthy eating and regular exercise make a big impact on their weight, and others, like me, end up frustrated by disappointing results. Many of us are so fixated on losing weight that we forget about what is actually healthy for our bodies and our minds.
Don’t let your sumo set the goals. My sumo wants me to look like I’m sixteen again, and that’s just not fair! Instead, make it about how you feel. While I don’t always look forward to working out, I always feel great after I finish.67 My aerobic exercise of choice is bike riding. Many mornings, you will find me riding around my neighborhood on my orange bike (my fave color). I smile and say hi to people as I ride by, and most days I get a smile and hello back. This way, I start my day on an upbeat and get my exercise in at the same time. On weekends, I try to change it up and take power walks that are fast enough to get my heart rate going.
Whether you like to swim, hike, run, play sports, or do yoga, find workout methods that are fun and work for you. The point isn’t to be the next supermodel, but rather to feel good and improve your overall health and well-being. If you don’t like working out alone, find a buddy and support each other. If diet and exercise become a source of stress, then you’re defeating the purpose. Take the pressure off and reevaluate your goals so they’re positive and realistic. Healthy eating and regular exercise should be gifts you give to yourself. Who doesn’t love getting lavished with gifts?
Unfortunately, losing weight can become an obsession for PM&M shmirshkies and there are no cookie-cutter solutions (although avoiding the cookies isn’t a bad idea). I didn’t lose a pound until I got my thyroid and hormones balanced. If you’re like me and find that PM&M has made you a member of the sisterhood of the shrinking pants, I have great news—there are some magic answers to this problem:
• The extra-large plastic garbage bag
• Spanx
• A seamstress
First, go buy a box of the largest plastic garbage bags you can find. Fill up the bags with all those clothes that don’t fit anymore and get rid of all that dust. My days were so much more joyful when I wasn’t looking at those damn clothes every day. When I finally did this, I felt like I had scored one for the PM&M shmirshky. I didn’t want to waste another day being unhappy and grumpy by wearing pants that choked off the circulation to my shmirshky. No, I did not! I did have a choice. This was so liberating! Save the bags in your storage closet or garage as you might be able to fit back into some of these things later. In the meantime, I went out and bought a couple of pairs of pants that fit me. I didn’t care what the hell size they were. I needed to feel comfortable. I threw in a few loose tops and dresses, and I was a new shmirshky. Yes, I was!
The second amazing invention you must arm yourself with
is Spanx (spanx.com). Spanx are “designed by a woman and are crafted to promote comfort and confidence in women.” They’re sold everywhere. You wear them under your clothes to smooth out your figure. Think of them as a reverse balloon. Instead of blowing out and filling up, you’re sucking in and smoothing down. They’re incredible! At first, I thought that the smaller the Spanx, the better I would look. No! No! No! Do not buy Spanx so small that you break out in a sweat just struggling to pull them up. If you do, you will have a huge spillover at the waist—and this is not the kind of spillover that you can mop up with your Pap smear paper towel. Plus, you will not be fun to be with if you can’t breathe. In fact, you will be a bitch on wheels. Remember, you got rid of the clothes that cut off your circulation for a reason.
Finally, if you have some special clothes that you can’t get yourself to put in the large garbage bag or fit into with Spanx, get out your sewing kit or find a seamstress. Once during PM&M, I needed to go to a black-tie party. I usually couldn’t wait to get all dressed up, but this time I was stalling. I put off going into the closet until the very last minute. As you may have already figured out, last minute is not my usual MO. I eventually ventured into my closet and, yes, you guessed it—not one of my long gowns fit me, even with the “extra hold” Spanx! I sent out an SOS to a dear friend of mine for a recommendation of a good seamstress. I’d never met this seamstress before. Here I was, a new customer, and I needed to get a gown fixed in one day. I explained that I was having a PM&M crisis. I did not have to say another thing. She immediately understood and fixed the dress for me. The Sisterhood to the rescue, presto change-o!
Oh, and one last thing I almost forgot: when you’re not plucking out stray chin hairs, turn off the lights on that magnifying mirror you use to put on your makeup. You know what I’m talking about, the one that makes you feel like you’re being interrogated by a seventh grader in biology class. Who invented that? So unnecessary! Shut down those unflattering lights. It feels so good to be in charge again!
CHAPTER 26
shmirshky board
There are so many wonderful people in our lives, but often, when we don’t feel good about ourselves, our sumo takes control and keeps us from letting them in. Yes, the sumo wants to keep the PM&M shmirshky all to himself . . . just hanging out, eating bad carbs, and staying miserable. Oh, joy! There were many days when I just didn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere; I didn’t want to wear real clothes (whoever invented the bathrobe, thank you!); I didn’t want to have to fake a smile; I didn’t want to pretend everything was “fine.” These lonely and depressing days often seem like life’s only option.
Don’t worry, you are not alone. Your gynecologist is your partner in the shmirshky business, and your advocate is by your side at those special doctor visits. Additionally, you have a Shmirshky Board (SB) to accompany you through your PM&M adventure. Picture all the people closest to you in your life, sitting around a big boardroom table, ready to help you through this challenging time. They need to understand what you are going through, and it’s your job as chairshmirshky of the board to let them in. Your SB might include your children, parents, grandparents, dear friends, coworkers, girlfriend, boyfriend, soul mate, or lover. Who is on your SB?
Many of our SB members don’t have a clue as to what is going on with us when we hit PM&M. They don’t know why we are acting distant and irritable. They don’t understand the changes we are experiencing. Often, a lack of communication about PM&M results in serious strains in our important relationships and can lead to tragic and unnecessary divisions. Do not hide! Instead, go seek out the love and support you deserve from the shmirshkies and erlicks you love, respect, and trust.
shmirshky party alert!
Theresa’s approach for assembling her SB is quite evolved. “The nice thing about getting older is that I’ve learned to appreciate people for what they have to offer and not to expect more, so that is why I cast my net wide.” I love that! Being a wise shmirshky isn’t about having all the answers, it’s about recognizing when you need support and knowing where and how to get the help you need.
Theresa’s SB consists of her three sisters (as she puts it, “If you weren’t given a great sister, go find one!”), her husband, a couple wonderful business colleagues (they support each other both professionally and personally), three friends from college, her sister-in-law, and her Gay Husband! In addition, she uses meditation to get herself out of a funk or a pickle and she calls a shrink when she needs a tune-up. Theresa is one smart shmirshky!
Push aside your sumo and pull your SB closer to you. Reach out to them! Allow yourself to be vulnerable and admit that you are having a tough time. They do not have a crystal ball that can read your shmirshky. Think of how clear the message would be if we just gave it to them straight and honest. Practice saying, “I am having problems and need your help.” You can do it! Then help them understand what you are going through. Give them books (this one would be good!) or guide them to the Web sites that you found helpful. Talk to them, lean on them, share your challenges and feelings, and eliminate all of the confusion around PM&M.
It is amazing how much better I felt when I was open and honest with my SB. By the way, there is no official boardroom needed. You can meet for coffee or dinner, grab a sandwich or go for a walk, talk on the phone or work out with your SB while you’re meeting. It feels good to not be alone. Reaching out is IN. Suffering in silence is OUT!
CHAPTER 27
shmirshky don’t-jump-off-a-cliff notes
If you’re a shmirshky and you’re lucky enough to get older, you will experience PM&M. PM&M is not a disease. It is a part of each and every shmirshky’s journey. I hope this book helps you, a loved one, a partner-shmirshky, or an important erlick in your life to understand PM&M. Be proactive about your health instead of reactive, and remember to think inside the box. We don’t go through PM&M, as I had originally thought, but rather, we are PM&M!
Here’s the condensed shmirshky:
• The period. Who knew a dot could be such a handful? When we’re young, we can’t wait to get it! We spend half of our lives amongst a sea of period paraphernalia with strings, cardboard, sticks, and wings swarming all around our bathrooms, backpacks, purses, and suitcases. After years of the period, we find ourselves fantasizing about life without it: sounds dreamy.
• PM&M doesn’t fit neatly into a quick and simple definition. As children, we’re taught (if at all) to assume that PM&M is just something that happens without much fanfare or a big to-do. I WISH!
• Shmirshky alert! The storm is brewing. Every shmirshky is different, so you can’t really Google “shmirshky weather” for an exact forecast. For some, it feels like a hurricane, for others, little raindrops. Either way, you need an umbrella or your bush will get all wet.
• During PM&M, you may feel like an alien swooped down, took over your body, and jumbled up your mind and personality . . . not to mention your hips, your boobs, and your waist. The list goes on and on! Don’t worry; odds are that you aren’t actually losing your mind!
• The PM&M shmirshky has been suffering in silence for far too long. Let’s bust open the shmirshky cover-up. PM&M is not a curse or a crime. We must acknowledge that this is going to be a challenging time, and that’s okay. We don’t always have to be “fine”!
• PM&M begins when you are young and active, but you won’t get a save-the-date to keep on your refrigerator. There’s no telling when it will start, and every shmirshky is different. Be prepared and you won’t feel like you’re suddenly at a black-tie reception dressed for a football game.
• Do not hide your shmirshky under a bush! If we’re open with each other about PM&M, then we can be prepared for the difficulties that lie ahead. Here are a few things to keep in your PM&M Prep Kit: sticky notes; tweezers; a hand fan; your Shmirshky Journal (see page 171); your SB on speed dial; a change of clothes; a whole lot of patience, love, and understanding; and a tampon ( just in case).
• For all those P
M&M shmirshkies who can’t sleep, you are not alone! Many shmirshkies define sleepless nights as one of their most nagging symptoms. I love the movie Sleepless in Seattle, but Sleepless in PM&M is neither cute nor romantic!
• Are you a hyper/hypo? Many shmirshkies find that they have a thyroid condition at the onset of PM&M. Thyroid conditions and PM&M symptoms are very similar. This can be confusing to the already discombobulated PM&M shmirshky. Be sure to get your TSH checked!
• PM&M shmirshkies are a very hot group! Your days and nights may involve lots of sweat sessions and hot flushes. This is only temporary. Trust me; there are dripless days in your future.
• Do your own shmirshky recon and learn about PM&M. Browse the PM&M section at your local bookstore. There are some wonderful shmirshky magazines to check out as well. If you aren’t in the mood to take off your bathrobe, go online and order the books you need and have them delivered right to your door.
• Finding a great doctor is so important. Gather doctor recommendations and research them thoroughly. Use all the resources available to you: friends, family, other doctors, and the Internet. Think of yourself as a shmirshky private “I”!
• Interview the doctors you’ve found before making a decision. Have your advocate and your Shmirshky Daily Symptoms Chart (page 168) in tow. Remember, your gynecologist is your partner, and you want to be able to ask questions and be okay with not being “fine”! Make sure you are comfortable with the way the office is run and the style and approach of the doctor. If you find that you chose a doctor who isn’t working for you, don’t be afraid to switch. You deserve the best!