Shmirshky

by E

  • Once you have educated yourself and selected your doctor, find out what your numbers are. Ask for all the tests that you need. Take your advocate with you and sit down with your doctor. Look over the lab results in detail. Be honest about how you feel. Discuss in detail all of the options available to you. (Don’t forget shmirshky’s next-door neighbor. You might be at the age when you need a colonoscopy too!) Maybe someday soon, all our shmirshky tests will be noninvasive. No more poking and smooshing!

  • The big question is whether to HRT 68 or not to HRT. Read about the WHI69 and learn about its findings. There is a Hormone Therapy Menu on page 154 (no dessert on this menu, unfortunately). Understand the options available to you and talk about these choices with your doctor and SB.70 Remember—whether you do HRT or not, it will be a process. It’s not black and white; rather, it’s a trial-and-error kind of experience. Be patient. You will find the answers. It all comes down to your quality of life. Think inside the box. If you listen carefully, your body will talk to you.

  • Host a Shmirshky Party! The Sisterhood may have great resources or doctors to recommend. If you share your experiences, they will share back. If you give them a cocktail, they will share more! You can find all kinds of fun Shmirshky Party tips, including a recipe for the Shmirshky Cosmo, at shmirshky.com. While you’re there, reach out to the network of shmirshkies and erlicks on the blog and message board. After all, reaching out is IN. Suffering in silence is OUT!

  • The period is quite the drama queen—never able to really decide whether or not to leave. Who knew that the period would love such dramatic good-byes? Enough already! A simple peck on the cheek would have been terrific. Be patient as the Period Queen makes her exit. Don’t be surprised if she pops back in before she finally leaves for good.

  • Sometimes I wished I had an erlick, because it seemed like life would have been so much easier. The truth is, erlicks have their fair share of health challenges. If you think you’re living with Grumpy (and you’re no Snow White), your favorite erlick might be experiencing male menopause. Too bad there aren’t two-for-one deals at your local blood lab.

  • Don’t give up. I hope this book will help you hit the shmirshky jackpot early, so you don’t suffer alone and without the proper support. No matter how long it takes for you to feel better, don’t lose hope. You are worth the effort!

  • Redecorating the shmirshky is not something to take lightly. If your doctor recommends a hysterectomy, be sure to get more than one opinion before booking the surgery. If you find that it’s your only option, do your own research and learn about the various types of surgeries and their potential side effects. Go over the options with your doctor and select the procedure that best fits your needs.

  • While you are handling the many challenges of the PM&M shmirshky, you may find that your shmirshky has moved to the Mojave Desert. Yes, your shmirshky is hot and parched! Don’t feel ashamed! There are many options available to you, so be open with your partner and your doctor. An oasis is right around the corner!

  • Many PM&M shmirshkies use acupuncture with great success. Don’t worry; they don’t put any needles in your shmirshky, so give it a whirl. Be sure to ask for the massage too. That was my favorite part.

  • Let your shmirshky go! Take everything out of that bulging emotional drawer. It can be a long process, but it is well worth the effort. There’s no need to stuff emotions away any longer. Experience them and let them be. Think of how much lighter you’ll feel!

  • Banish the sumo in your mind! Everybody has one, but when you’re living SUMO FREE, it’s really the most amazing way to be!

  • Bag up the clothes that don’t fit and make you feel horrible. No need to torture yourself anymore. Instead of focusing on how you look, focus on how you feel. Give yourself the gift of fun exercise and healthy eating. Love your body. You are beautiful just the way you are, even if PM&M changes things around a bit. Yes, you may find that during the different stages of PM&M there might be more of you to love. What’s wrong with that? Eventually you might find that you can open some of those bags back up and enjoy the clothes again!

  • Shmirshky business is big business. You need a Shmirshky Board to help love and support you. Your SB members are the people you’re around the most; you might even live with a few of them. If you share your PM&M experience with them, they can be understanding and comforting. Don’t hold back. Remember, they don’t have a crystal ball that tells them how you’re feeling. I know you’re accustomed to being the caregiver, but it’s your turn now.

  There is a light at the end of this deep, seemingly dark tunnel. I had to get a huge flashlight and search for it, but it’s there, I promise. I am passing along my flashlight to you! The light helped me to see myself better. While I am still learning, laughing, and crying with other shmirshkies, I do not feel like an alien has taken over my body anymore. It is mine, and I love who I am now. I hear my own shmirshky choir. Yes, it is big! Dozens and dozens of shmirshkies all singing, embracing, and celebrating PM&M!

  I hope this book brings you a little bit of the three L’s: love, laughter, and learning. Throughout this process, I learned so much, not just about the person I am becoming but also about the person that I’ve been. So thank you, PM&M, for all you have taught me. It was certainly a surprise to have you as a teacher.

  the period

  afterglow

  my shmirshky

  I have included a section at the end of this book entitled “My Shmirshky Journal.” Use these pages to begin writing about your experiences. You can pass the book and your wisdom along to your friends or family. Think of it as a family heirloom, shmirshky style.

  Writing might feel a bit strange at first, but don’t worry, that’s normal. Initially, I found that expressing myself in written form was very scary. Over the years my children had bought me the most beautiful journals. I always put them by my bed, hoping that one day I would feel comfortable enough to pick one up and begin writing. Every time I glanced over at the empty journals piled neatly on my nightstand, I made a mental note to write in one of them. Instead of collecting my thoughts, all they seemed to do was collect dust.

  Then it happened. It was time. I sat down and started writing about my PM&M experience. My hand was cramping and my fingers couldn’t write fast enough, so I moved to the computer to type. Thoughts, feelings, and questions started to pour out of me. I just let myself go. I wanted to get it all down. Writing helped to ease the loneliness and sadness that I was experiencing. Writing was just like talking, and I’m happy to report that I can do both now. Go ahead, get in your comfy robe and give it a try! Your PM&M story could be a great gift for the shmirshkies and erlicks in your life. If you feel like chatting, go to shmirshky.com and join in the conversation. I am happy to listen, laugh, cry, and learn with you as you too embrace PM&M in the pursuit of hormone happiness.

  happy birthday!

  To my SB:71

  my most cherished erlick, my husband, David;

  my remarkable son, Jack, who collaborated with me on Shmirshky and is my Shmirshky Universal partner and so much more! Thank you for contributing your extraordinary blend of writing talent and comedic genius;

  my most treasured shmirshky, my sounding board on all things shmirshky, my daughter and dearest friend, Sarah;

  my loving mother, who always has my vaccination records handy;

  my father, who is always with me;

  and my beloved BFF, Marcia.

  To my Shmirshky Magellan, Ellen Archer, for discovering Shmirshky and bringing it to the world.

  To my Shmirshky editor, Barbara Jones. I would never put my Shmirshky in anyone else’s hands (except David’s).

  To my Shmirshky literary agents, Trena Keating and Sally Wofford-Girand. What can I say, you lit up my life.

  To the rest of the amazing Hyperion/VOICE team of special operatives: Anna Campbell, Marie Coolman, Brenda Copeland, Molly Frandson, Caroline Grill, Maha Khalil, Kristin Kiser, Sharon Kitter, Laura Klyns
tra, Joan Lee, Allison McGeehon, Claire McKean, Karen Minster, Mike Rotondo, Sarah Rucker, Jill Sansone, Katherine Tasheff, and Betsy Wilson.

  To my SS, Ivy Van-Allen. You and your Jack inspire me!

  To my Shmirshky design guru, Marika van Adelsberg. You make my Shmirshky look so good.

  To my original Shmirshky book doctors: Jack Dolgen (Chief of Surgery), Gregory Dobie, Rachel Haimowitz, Sarah Hagan, Ceebs Bailey, and Shaina Friel.

  To all my helpful shmirshkies and erlicks: Leo Ammann, Wanda Aurich, Nate Becker, Jenny Bennett, Abigail Berman, Judy Berman, Arik Betesh, Tony Bever, Marlena Bittner, Melanie Bivens, Michelle Blincoe, Lynne M. J. Boisineau, Sarah Bro, Denise Brodey, Jennie Brook, Gail and Ralph Bryan, Chris Burns, Tina Byrnes, Carin and Hillary Canale-Theakston, Cristina Castillo, Kris Chang, Linda Chester, Michael Claggett, Robyn Cohen, Gayle Cole, Ruth Corech, Ian Corson, Jay Corson, Marc Dahm, Nia Davis, Janice Dodge, Jonathan Dolgen, Lauren Dolgen, Susan Drescher-Mulzet, Dr. Daniel Einhorn, Emily Einhorn, Dr. James Evers, Marissa Faith, Eric J. Feig, Michele Ferrebeuf, Carolina Finch, Laurent Fischer, Elaine and Murray Galinson, Cindy Gallop, Joe Gartner, Morris Gearring, Katherine Gehl, Christine Givant, Curtis Gwinn, Francesca Harewood, Karen Hensler, Deb Hubers, Tiffany Hughes, Harrison Hurwitz, Steven Hyde, Bonnie and Peter Jones, Larry Katz, Robin Kay, Wendy Kelman, Dr. Joseph Kennedy, Derek Kent, Jillian Kirk, Robin Kirk, Kathryn Kogge, Lorna LaRiviere, Whitney Lasky, Ina Manaster, Doug Mand, Dr. Michael Maywood, Ken McClellan, Brian McDonough, Jane McPherson, Pauline Metzler, Mike Monaghan, Mark Mulzet, Priscilla Nicholas, Melanie and John Nogawski, Kathleen Pacurar, Adam Pally, Nicole Pearl, Laurel Pfannenstiel, Steve Poe, Toni Pollack, Julie Potash, Mike Pruter, Jillian Puglisi, Dr. Ted Quigley, Mojgan Rady, Mike Regan, Patti Regan, Tanya Rietz, Kristen Rodack, Juju Rodriguez, Marian Rosenberg, Verne Rosenfield, Ryan Rossiter, Kathleen Santin, Phyllis Savage, Char Self, Suzan and Gad Shaanan, Debbie Shiflett, Gail Shoultes, Ben Sinclair, Marcia Skidmore, Andrew Spurgin, Angela Stanley, Dale Steele, Mimi Tackaberry, Gayle and Phil Tauber, Susan Topol, Greg Tuculescu, Beth Vesel, Maria Villalobos, Lauren Weissman, Pamela Whitcomb, Amy Wiborg, Kitty and Keen Wolcott, Hilda Wynn, and Greg Zola.

  To my cozy robe, coffee cup, and martini.

  To my PM&M!

  shmirshky fun terms

  Term: BFF

  Definition: Birthday Friend Forever

  Term: erlick

  Definition: Penis; man; male; dude

  Term: erlickogram

  Definition: Luckily for the erlicks, this doesn’t exist!

  Term: FF

  Definition: Fucking Fabulous!

  Term: Gay Husband

  Definition: This is someone who not only gives you all the love and support of a husband but also enjoys shopping and getting mani-pedis, and knows how to throw a fabulous party.

  Term: HS

  Definition: Hot Shmirshky; a shmirshky feeling the hot flashes!

  Term: “I’m fine”

  Definition: The motto of the shmirshky cover-up; what you might hear shouted out from under a bush: “I’m fine!”

  Term: M

  Definition: Menopause

  Term: MTZ

  Definition: Menstruation Twilight Zone

  Term: PM

  Definition: Perimenopause

  Term: PM&M

  Definition: The entire time in a shmirshky’s life when she’s going through the menopause experience (that includes the pre, the peri, and the post!)

  Term: PM&M Prep Kit

  Definition: Sticky notes; tweezers; a hand fan; your My Shmirshky Journal; your SB on speed dial; a change of clothes; a whole lot of patience, love, and understanding; and a tampon (just in case)

  Term: SB

  Definition: Shmirshky Board: you know your SB members, you probably see them every day!

  Term: shmirshky

  Definition: Vagina; woman; female; babe

  Term: Shmirshky Party

  Definition: Whenever shmirshkies share their experiences with each other. This often includes cocktails, laughter, and love. Visit shmirshky.com to find fun tips for your next Shmirshky Party.

  Term: Sisterhood of Shmirshkies

  Definition: All the ladies near and far

  Term: Sumo

  Definition: The hypercritical voice inside your head

  Term: SUMO FREE

  Definition: A great way to be!

  Term: think inside the box

  Definition: When you’re in PM&M, you’ve got to think inside the box! Think about how you feel, listen to your body, and recognize your needs. Prioritize and trust yourself as a shmirshky. Sometimes erlicks need to think inside the box as well, albeit in a different way than they usually do.

  shmirshky not-so-fun terms72

  Term: acupuncture

  Definition: A practice developed in China of inserting fine needles through the skin at specific points to cure disease or relieve pain.

  http://nccam.nih.gov/health/acupuncture/introduction.htm

  Term: Alzheimer’s disease

  Definition: A form of dementia. It’s a progressive, degenerative brain disease that affects one’s capacity for memory and thought.

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000760.htm

  Term: bioidentical hormones

  Definition: A bioidentical hormone is identical to the hormone produced in your body. It may not have originated in your body, but it has the same chemical structure and even goes by the same name. Most important, it has the same biological function.

  http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=98553

  Term: bone density

  Definition: The measure of calcium and other minerals in your bones.

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/007197.htm

  Term: CA-125

  Definition: Cancer antigen 125; best known as a blood marker for ovarian cancer. It may also be elevated with other malignant cancers, including those originating in the endometrium, fallopian tubes, lungs, breasts, and gastrointestinal tract.

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/007217.htm

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000889.htm

  Term: cholesterol

  Definition: A waxy substance produced by the body. It is needed to make hormones, skin cells, and digestive juices.

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003492.htm

  Term: cholesterol/HDL

  Definition: The ratio of total cholesterol to HDL.

  http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=4503

  Term: colonoscopy

  Definition: An examination of the large colon and part of the small bowel with a curious little camera they stick up shmirshky and erlick’s next-door neighbor. (Is this more fun than a Pap smear? Have one of each and then decide.)

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003886.htm

  Term: compounding pharmacy

  Definition: These pharmacies create medication formulas, specifically designed for a particular individual’s needs.

  http://www.iacprx.org/site/PageServer?pagename=What_is_Compounding

  Term: DEXA

  Definition: Dual energy X-ray absorptiometry; a test to measure the bone density (strength) of both the hip and spine.

  http://www.osteopenia3.com/dexascans.html

  Term: DHEAS

  Definition: Dehydroepiandrosterone sulfate; a hormone that is easily converted into other hormones, including estrogen and testosterone. DHEAS is the sulfated (S) form of DHEA in the blood.

  http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=25613

  Term: early menopause

  Definition: Currently the cutoff for early menopause is forty-five, which means a shmirshky has been without her period for twelve consecutive months at the age of forty-five or younger. This can happen naturally or as a result of surgery.

  http://www.menopause.org/Portals/0/Content/PDF/A.pdf

  Term: endocrinologist

  Definition: A medical
expert specializing in the diseases of the endocrine system (glands and hormones).

  http://www.hormone.org/public/endocrinologist.cfm

  Term: endometriosis

  Definition: A condition in which the tissue that behaves like the cells lining the uterus grows in other areas of the body (usually in the pelvic area, outside the uterus, on the ovaries, bowel, rectum, or bladder).

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000915.htm

  Term: estradiol

  Definition: The most important form of estrogen produced in the body.

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003711.htm

  Term: estriol

  Definition: The weakest of the three main types of estrogen.

  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/estriol

  Term: estrogen

  Definition: The primary female hormone. Estrogen is responsible for the development and maintenance of female reproductive structures.

  http://www2.merriam-webster.com/cgi-bin/mwmednlm?book=medical&va=estrogen

  Term: estrogen dominance

  Definition: When there’s too much estrogen relative to progesterone in a shmirshky’s body. Heavy bleeding and sometimes even cancer can result from this.

  Term: estrone

  Definition: One of the three most common types of estrogen secreted by the ovaries (the other two are estradiol and estriol).

  http://www.labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/estrogen/test.html

  Term: FDA

  Definition: The Food and Drug Administration; a federal agency that oversees the safety regulations of most types of food, supplements, drugs, vaccines, and medical products.

  http://www.fda.gov

  Term: FSH

  Definition: Follicle stimulating hormone; a pituitary hormone that stimulates the growth of the ovum (the egg and surrounding cells that produce ovarian hormones). This is one of the measures that can indicate if you’ve entered M (although it’s not a definitive determinant because your levels can fluctuate).

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003710.htm