Denial

by R. M. Walker

  “We’re going to show Lily the woods, Mrs Adair. There’s a path that cuts down through to the beach.”

  “Okay, have fun.”

  They grinned at Lily and hustled her back outside. The bottom of the garden was lined with hedges that were waist height, but in one corner was a wooden stile, almost overgrown.

  “I didn’t see this here,” she said, following Josh up the stile.

  “All of the cottages this side of the road have them,” Jake told her as he climbed up behind her. Lily started to turn at the top to climb down the other side, but Josh gripped her waist and lifted her down.

  “Thanks.” She saw Jake coming down. “Are you going to help Jake?” She grinned, beginning to relax with them.

  “Nah, he can bounce if he falls.” Josh sniggered, and Jake flipped him off as he jumped to the ground beside them. “Besides, I’m Jacob. He’s Joshua.”

  She frowned, certain he was Josh. They watched her closely, giving nothing away. “No, you’re Josh. He’s Jake,” she said.

  “You’re right. How can you tell?” Josh asked. “What gave us away this time? In fact, every time! You never get it wrong.”

  “Don’t I?” She realised he was right, but she couldn’t say how she did it. She didn’t even think about it. She just knew. She shrugged, pulling a face.

  “No, you don’t,” Jake said. “Magic probably, like the others and Jonas.”

  “More like I can just tell now.” She snorted. “It won’t be magic. I don’t have any.”

  “Lily, we think—”

  “So how deep are these woods?” She cut him off abruptly.

  “It’s not far to reach the shore, but they do stretch for several miles on either side. If you come in here on your own, look out for our markings.” Josh spoke quietly, but he was looking at Jake.

  “Markings?”

  “Yeah, we’ll show you.” Josh indicated with his head for her to follow.

  She followed him down the narrow path that wound itself between the trees and bushes. As they went deeper, the bushes and grass underfoot became sparse, until only ferns, leaves, and fallen branches draped in emerald moss covered the ground. It was darker now, the sun only occasionally able to filter through the canopy of evergreen and deciduous trees. This was what she’d hoped for; the sheer, perfect mystery of it. She peered around, taking it all in; maybe they’d see some animals if they were quiet.

  “Springtime it’s great here,” Josh said. “Bluebells, primroses, snowdrops—all sorts grow in here. There are badgers and foxes. If you come out at night and stay quiet, you can see them. Which reminds us, if you put any rubbish out the back door, make sure it stays in the bin or the foxes will have it all over your garden.”

  “There are deer in here as well, but not as many as there used to be,” Jake said from behind her.

  “First night I was here, I thought I saw something in the trees, but it was too dark,” she told them.

  “Probably a badger or a fox.” Josh stopped as they came to a section which divided into different paths. “Here, look. We did this years ago.” He crouched down at the base of a giant oak tree. She saw three stones, painted with arrows and letters. They looked like they’d been a deep blue, but time had faded them.

  “B for beach, M for Matt’s, and V for village.” Josh pointed at the stones. “We don’t use them now, but we left them anyway. Stick to the trails until you’re more familiar with the woods and you won’t get lost.”

  “The stones are set at the base of trees every so often. Don’t stray off the trails if you’re trying to get somewhere specific,” Jake said.

  “Okay. Thanks for showing me.” She turned to them, but they were looking at each other.

  Josh nodded. “We were going to take you to the beach, but we think you’ll like this other place more,” he said to her.

  She shrugged, happy to be out in the woods. She was feeling more relaxed with them now. “Okay, lead on.”

  Josh smiled and started down the path towards Matt’s, but after a little way, he stepped off the worn trail and started to cut through the trees. She picked her way carefully after him. He hesitated then took the shirt he’d tied around his waist and slipped it over his head. Jake did the same, and a part of her mourned the loss of their bare skin.

  “What about adders?” she asked as she stepped over a fallen branch.

  “They won’t hurt us. They know it’s us,” Josh replied, holding a branch away from her face as she stepped through.

  “What do you mean they know it’s you?”

  “The animals. They’ll know we’re fae and mean them no harm. Do you want to see?” Josh asked, turning back to her as he stopped.

  “See?”

  “Yeah. Don’t be scared though, okay? We’ll only call rabbits for now.”

  She saw something move out of the corner of her eye, and she spun to see what it was. Three rabbits were sitting on a log, their noses twitching as they scented the air.

  “You did that? You called them?” she asked in surprise.

  Josh chuckled and crouched down. He held out his fingers, and they hopped straight to him to rub against his hand.

  “Are they wild? Are they really wild?” She moved towards them, and they hopped back. Their noses twitched alarmingly.

  “Slowly,” Josh murmured. “Come beside us.”

  She crouched down carefully, watching as they made their way back hesitantly.

  Jake crouched down with them and held out his hand to Lily. She reached out to him, and he moved her hand towards them. “Slowly. Same as any animal, let them sniff you first; let them smell you mean no harm.”

  She did as he told her, gasping in delight as they moved forwards and sniffed delicately at her extended fingers.

  “You can touch them now,” Josh whispered.

  She stroked her fingers gently over the head of one of the rabbits, loving the soft feel of the warm fur.

  “Wow! This is... Wow!” She was unable to find any better words. More rabbits came out, and as they grew braver, they hopped closer to her and rubbed against her arms. She dropped to her knees, and a baby rabbit struggled to hop onto her thighs. She picked it up and stroked its tiny head. Two rabbits snuffled at Josh’s ears, sitting happily on his shoulders. Several were hopping over his legs as he picked them up, stroking and murmuring to them.

  “Do you talk to them? Do they talk to you?” she asked. Her heart was beating fast in her chest at the obvious magic they had used.

  “Not like we talk,” Josh replied. “We just sort of call them in our minds. We can understand what they’re feeling, and they understand us.”

  “And you can do this with other animals?”

  “Yeah,” Jake answered her, holding his own armful of snuffling rabbits.

  “I’m jealous.” She laughed, content to stroke their fur.

  “They can probably sense that you’re like us,” Josh replied.

  “I’m not like you.” Her smile dropped, and her mood plummeted.

  “Well, not animal fae, no. But they will sense your magic,” Jake amended.

  “I don’t have magic,” she said sharply. The rabbit she was holding squeaked and jumped from her lap. They scuttled away from her, and she frowned at their sudden departure.

  “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s go,” she said, getting up and brushing off her legs.

  “Lily, you need to—”

  “So, you can call any animal you want?” She cut him off, refusing to let them carry on.

  “All the ones we’ve tried, yes. Come on, let’s keep going.” Josh sighed, looking at Jake.

  Lily followed him as he walked off. She’d seen the disappointment on their faces when she cut them off. But it wasn’t something she was going to talk to them about—there was no point. They were wrong, and that was all there was to it.

  ~*~*~*~

  “We’re here.”

  Lily looked up from wat
ching her step over the exposed roots of the surrounding trees. A circular patch of green grass lay just beyond the trees. She moved past Josh and stepped out into the clearing. The warmth of the sun on her skin was welcome after the cool of the woods. Closing her eyes, she lifted her face to the sky, all the earlier tension draining out of her. It was so peaceful—the singing birds, the warmth of the sun, and the whisper of the trees around her. Kicking off her shoes, she sank her toes into the brilliant green of the mossy grass, and tingles shot through her like static electricity. The tingles grew and morphed, winding around her, connecting her to the earth beneath her feet. It was part of her; it was her, and she was it.

  She lifted her arms outwards and turned slowly in a circle, letting the warmth of the sun cradle her in its gentle hold. She was free, freer than she’d ever been, lighter than air, connected and entwined with everything around her. Energy sizzled beneath her feet, and she knew she could draw it up and use it. It was in her fingertips, power flowing through her veins. She could paint the sky, calm the sea, she could—

  “Fucking hell!”

  The coarse words ripped through her, and she stumbled, falling to her knees. Her hair fell into her face. She pushed it back, her eyes wide with shock. The once grassy circle was awash with flowers of every colour. Poppies, redder than blood, swayed in the breeze. Bluebells and snowdrops vied for space amongst foxgloves. Flowers that should have died months ago turned their faces to the sun. She shot to her feet, frantically looking around the circle. This wasn’t possible. This wasn’t happening. This was terrifying. She couldn’t face it. She stepped backwards and covered her face, crying out her denial.

  “It’s okay!” She heard them call as they moved towards her.

  “What did you do?” she asked, lowering her hands as they came towards her. “How did you do this?”

  “We didn’t do it, you—”

  She pushed her fingers against Josh’s lips, shaking her head in denial over what she knew he was going to say. She didn’t want to hear it. She wouldn’t hear it. She turned and made to move away, but they caught her arms and tugged her back around.

  “Let me go!”

  They let her go instantly, lifting their hands in submission. “We didn’t know; we’re sorry. We thought you’d get a kick out of it here, like we do,” Josh spoke quietly.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, not allowing herself to look down at the flowers she knew were still there.

  “Bloody hell, could you get any better at denial?” Jake snorted. “We didn’t do this, Lily, you did!”

  “No, I didn’t! I didn’t do anything!”

  The sun went behind the clouds, and a chill swept over her as the breeze picked up. Unable to stop herself, she looked down. The flowers were gone, only green grass remained.

  Had she done it? Was she responsible? No. Of course she wasn’t.

  “You did this,” she said, hugging her arms around her as she stared at them. “You and your freaky powers. You’re playing with my head.”

  “No, Lily,” Josh said.

  She could see the hurt in his face, but she refused to listen. She stuffed her feet into her shoes and stumbled away from them. She could hear them behind her, following her as she stumbled blindly through the trees.

  “Let’s forget it, yeah?” Josh caught her hand in his. “We made a mistake taking you there. We shouldn’t have done it yet.” He drew her around to face them, but she avoided their eyes.

  “It’s not me,” she mumbled. “It wasn’t me.” Misery settled heavily around her.

  He lifted her hand in his, tugging her gently towards him. She went into him, unresisting. His arms closed around her as she rested her head on his shoulder, her nose buried in his neck. Jake stepped up behind her and laid his hands on her shoulders. Their touch settled her, calmed her, took her fear and pushed it down.

  She glanced at the grassy circle behind him; there was no sign of the flowers. It was easy to think they’d never been there. The bright sunshine in her eyes had played tricks on her mind. That was all it was. In fact, the more she thought about it, standing there in their hold, the more she realised that was all it was. A trick of the light.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Josh whispered into her ear. “We can talk it over when you’re ready.”

  He wasn’t going to let it go; he didn’t realise it was a mistake. She couldn’t face what the others would say either.

  “There’s nothing to be ready about. I think I should go back home.”

  “Come down to the beach with us.” Jake moved closer till she could feel his chest pressing against her back. He traced his finger gently down her cheek. “We promise nothing will happen.”

  His breath ghosted over her skin. Her eyes closed as they held her tightly. She wanted to stay with them, but she also wanted to bury herself in her bedroom and shut it all out.

  “I don’t know.” She stepped sideways away from them, and they let her go, their hands falling to their sides. She closed her eyes, bereft at the loss of their touch.

  “C’mon, Lil, we can walk along to Porthaven. They do great fish and chips, and we can meet Nate and Matt there.” Josh’s voice was low and cajoling.

  “I’m not sure. Mum will wonder where I am.” She wrapped her arms around herself.

  “Your place isn’t far from here; we’ll drop in and tell her where we’re going.” Jake reached out and tugged on her hand gently, making her look at him. “C’mon, they do great ice cream too,” he bribed, a pleading expression on his face.

  “Don’t tell Nate or Matt, please,” she said, and saw them wince.

  “We don’t keep secrets from them, Lily. We never have,” Jake said.

  “I’m not asking you to. There’s nothing to keep secret,” she said. “It was a trick of the light. It was bright; the sun was blinding. There really is nothing to tell them anyway.”

  Josh sighed then checked with Jake before shrugging. “All right, we won’t say anything when we see them.”

  She didn’t want to put secrets between them, but she knew Nate would never let it go if they told him. While she was certain it wasn’t her, he’d pick and pick, trying to get her to listen to his ludicrous ideas about her. He wanted her to go back to Jonas and that was something she wasn’t going to do. She didn’t know what he’d done to her to make her feel so much pain or to see things, but she never wanted to feel it again. She didn’t want to be anything other than what she was: a regular, normal girl. It was enough to accept what they were; it was enough for her to get her head around things that seemed impossible. Anything else was too much.

  “Come with us?” Jake caught her attention, touching her elbow with his fingers. “We won’t say anything, honest.”

  She didn’t want to leave them yet, and if nothing was said to Matt or Nate, it would be okay.

  “Do they have bubble-gum flavour?” she asked him.

  “No, but they do have candyfloss flavour,” he offered hopefully.

  “Okay,” she said, and they grinned happily at her.

  “C’mon then, Lily Pad, you won’t regret it, we promise.”

  “We’ll never be your brothers”

  “Hold it flat, and twist your waist slightly,” Matt instructed, standing beside her.

  She did what he told her, her fingers curling around the edge of the flat stone.

  “Now, let it fly,” he said and stepped back from her.

  She brought her arm back and forwards smoothly, the stone flying from her fingers. It hit the water, bounced, then bounced twice more before sinking below the surface.

  “Yay! I did it!” She turned to where the others were watching.

  “Well done!” Matt laughed and threw his own stone.

  She watched as it skimmed five times before slipping under the surface. “Not as good as you, though.” She smiled at him.

  “This was your first time. We’ve been doing this for years. How co
me you’ve never done this before?” Nate let his own stone fly forward, and it bounced several times before going under.

  Lily shrugged. “I don’t know. Never had a dad to show me, I guess, or older brothers.” She poked Josh in the chest as he passed her on his search for more stones.

  “You’re older than we are,” Nate pointed out. “We’ll never be your brothers, either.”

  His words brought her up short. Lily turned back to the calm waters of the sea. Her attraction to them would never let her see them as brothers, but it was dismissive the way he’d said it, as if they’d never be that close to her. That she’d always be the outsider in their relationship.

  She picked up a handful of stones and concentrated on trying to throw them further out. She knew she’d never be as close as they were with each other, but at the same time, she hoped they could be good friends. Maybe he was telling her that she’d never be that either. And maybe she was overthinking the whole thing and he’d merely been pointing out the obvious.

  She heard Matt murmur something to Nate, and then they were both throwing stones into the water.

  Her name was called, and she turned around. Josh took her picture on his phone. “Hungry yet?” he asked.

  “Starved.” She checked her watch, surprised to see it was lunchtime already.

  “If we walk around the headland, Porthaven is just there. It’s got the best chips I’ve ever tasted.” Matt pointed back towards where the beach merged into a steep, rock and gorse covered cliff. There was a narrow footpath that zigzagged up to the coastal path high above.

  She joined them as they made their way up the beach. “Where’s the caves they used for smuggling?” she asked as they reached the start of the path.

  “Further around the headland,” Nate called out from in front of her. “We’ll show you another time. They’re only accessible at low tide, and it’s on its way in at the moment.”

  “Drew is researching smuggling around here,” she panted. It was a tough climb, and the muscles in her calves began to burn with the effort.

  “Who the fuck is Drew?” Nate demanded.

  She took the chance to stop for a few moments to get her breath back. She looked back at how far they’d come and was surprised by how high they were.