Denial

by R. M. Walker

  She hid the jewellery box at the back of the chest of drawers and turned her back on it.

  ~*~*~*~

  Matt’s parents were going out when they arrived at the manor. Lily hadn’t seen their car before and was taken aback by the spotless silver Jaguar. June got out when she saw Lily exiting the Land Rover and came over to them.

  “Thank you for letting me stay, Mrs Crowder.”

  “You’re welcome, and please, call me June,” she reminded her. “We’re going to a function where Harold is speaking, or we’d have stayed home this evening. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine, Mum,” Matt said as he put his arm around Lily’s shoulders. “We’ll probably kick about, watch a film or something.”

  “You can find yourselves something to eat, or you can order takeaway,” June said.

  “June! Hurry up!” Harold called from the car, honking the horn as well.

  June rolled her eyes and headed back to the car. “I’ve put Lily in the Blue Room, Matthew. We won’t be back early, so don’t stay up too late. You have college in the morning!” she called out as she got into the car.

  “We know, don’t worry,” Matt assured her, lifting his hand in a wave as she closed her door. The car took off almost immediately.

  “He’s in a rush,” she said as they sped down the driveway, gravel kicking back from the tyres.

  “Probably late; Mum takes hours to get ready, and she always manages to cut it really fine. Drives him up the wall.”

  “So, are you hungry?” Josh bounced into her view. “Because we are starving.”

  “You ate a packet of crisps and a chocolate bar on the way here,” Lily pointed out.

  He pouted at her then gave her a hangdog expression. “But we’re growing lads, Lily Pad. We need food like the plants need rain.”

  “Yeah, but just as plants don’t need to be flooded, you don’t need to eat all the time,” Nate said, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his black cargos.

  “That’s plain mean!” Jake whined.

  “That’s life,” Nate replied. “What shall we do for the next”—he looked at his watch—“hour or so?”

  “Have an early tea?” Josh suggested innocently, and Nate snorted with laughter.

  “If we’re ordering takeaway, it will take them nearly an hour to get it here,” Matt pointed out.

  The twins nodded sagely at Nate. “See, this is what we meant; Matt just put it better,” Josh said.

  Nate laughed and shook his head. “Let’s go and see what we want.” He reached out and gripped Lily’s hand, pulling her away from Matt.

  Matt moved quickly and caught her other hand. Together, they went inside as the twins followed.

  “We think Chinese,” Josh said, as they made their way through to the kitchen.

  “Indian,” Nate contradicted.

  “Pizza,” Matt insisted. “Lily, what do you want?”

  “I don’t mind. I’m happy with whatever you want to get. I like them all.” She sat on the stool at the kitchen island.

  “What about—”

  “No. We know!” Josh cut Matt off. “Why don’t we go into town, get all three, and bring it back here? Save on delivery costs, and we can all have what we want.”

  “Good idea,” Matt said, looking at Nate. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, why not?” Nate agreed. “Lily?”

  “Sounds great.” She nodded and hopped down from the stool. “I think I’ll go for Chinese, actually.”

  “Good choice. Shows intelligence and good breeding,” Jake announced happily.

  “You two are so full of shit it isn’t funny.” Nate rolled his eyes.

  “That’s only because you don’t have the good taste to like Chinese,” Josh retorted.

  “You don’t like Chinese?” Lily blinked at him in surprise. “What’s not to like?”

  “Exactly, Lily Pad, exactly. But he can’t help that he was dragged up, instead of brought up, like we were.”

  “I wasn’t dragged anywhere.” Nate flipped them off and turned to Lily. “Ignore the morons. I do like Chinese, I just prefer Indian. They don’t have the balls to cope with a good strong curry like I do.”

  “Now who’s full of shit?” Josh pushed his shoulder, laughing.

  “Still you,” Nate said casually and walked out of the kitchen. “Come on, Matt, let me drive?”

  “No fucking way!” Josh and Jake raced after him, leaving Matt laughing with Lily.

  “Nate can drive?”

  “They all can, but I’m the only one with a car. They’re on the insurance, so they can drive if necessary. It has to be an emergency for me to let them drive her, though.”

  “Her?” Lily smiled at him. “Have you named her?”

  “Heap of Junk when she won’t start. Angel when she does.” He laughed and slid his arm around her shoulder again. “You’ll like the Blue Room, Lily. It suits you. Do you want to take your bags up now or later?”

  “Later. I think the twins will expire if we keep them from food for any longer. Why will it suit me?”

  “It’s pretty, like you.” He grinned at her and lifted his hand to cup her cheek.

  She blushed at his compliment. The grin slid from his face, and his eyes went to her lips. Was he going to kiss her? He slid his hand from her cheek into her hair. A delicious shiver slid down her spine, and he saw it. His eyes darkened, and he bent towards her, his mouth inches from hers.

  “Where do you want these?” Jake came into the kitchen with her bag, and she heard Matt grunt as he stepped back from her.

  Disappointment surged through her, but when she looked over at Jake, he was frowning at Matt. Guilt joined the disappointment.

  She’d been sure Nate was going to kiss her on the coast path, and she’d been equally sure Matt would have kissed her if Jake hadn’t come in. With a sinking feeling, she realised she would have let them both kiss her, wanted them to kiss her. And if it was the twins, she wouldn’t have stopped them either. She would let all four of them kiss her, and not in a friendship kind of way. What did that say about her? She didn’t want to think about it.

  “Leave them there,” Matt said. “We’ll sort it when we come back.”

  Jake shrugged, and they followed him back out to join the others outside. Nate was leaning against the Land Rover door, throwing and catching the keys in his hand. When he saw Matt come out, he threw the keys at him and opened Lily’s door for her.

  “Why thank you, slave,” she said primly. A slap on her butt made her squeal. “Nate!”

  “Just reminding you I’m not your slave,” he said and smirked at her wickedly as he shut the door.

  “So, Indian, Chinese, and pizza,” Matt said as he climbed in and put on his belt. “Do we want dessert?”

  “Does the sun set every day?” Jake asked dryly.

  “No. It doesn’t,” Lily said and turned in her seat to talk to him. “Technically, the sun doesn’t set, the horizon comes up.”

  “Smart arse,” he retorted. “Okay, no ice cream for Lily then.”

  “She’s only telling it like it is,” Matt said as he started the engine. “She can’t help it if you’re an uneducated moron.”

  “Who’s the moron, moron?” Jake snapped, and Lily heard an undercurrent that shouldn’t be there for gentle teasing. Josh nudged Jake’s shoulder in question, and she realised she wasn’t the only one to pick up on it. She turned around in her seat and put her belt on. Was it because Jake also thought Matt was going to kiss her and he didn’t like it? She just didn’t know why he wouldn’t like it. Unless he’d also seen her with Nate on the coast path. To an outsider, it looked bad. Heck, to an insider it looked bad. Maybe he thought she was easy, leading them both on. She wasn’t doing that; she just didn’t know what she was doing.

  And maybe it was all in her fevered imagination. Neither of them were going to kiss her, and none of them viewed her as anything more than a friend.

 
~*~*~*~

  “So, what do we do next?” Josh asked as he finished up the last of his noodles, using chopsticks as if he’d been born with them.

  “Watch a film?” Matt suggested. “Lily? What do you fancy?”

  “I don’t mind.” She looked up at the kitchen clock. It was coming up for six. It’d taken them longer than they thought to get the different takeaways and bring them home.

  “It’s getting too dark to go down to the beach,” Jake said.

  “Looked misty out to sea as well. That might come inland.” Josh stretched his arms over his head, yawning.

  “Let’s go back to the mill. Lily never got to see inside last time.” Nate forked the last of his curry into his mouth as he looked at Lily.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Matt said and closed his empty pizza box.

  Lily was inclined to agree with him but didn’t say anything. It was only hallucinations she’d had there, but seeing the wheel again would still be unsettling.

  “Why not? You seemed to have an epileptic seizure last time you were there,” Nate said. “We never got to show you inside.”

  “Maybe another time.” Josh’s eyes darted between Nate and Matt.

  Lily glanced at Matt and saw him frowning at Nate.

  “Don’t you want to see it?” Nate asked. “If you’re worried about having a fit again, then fair enough. But it was just a coincidence, wasn’t it?” He looked her straight in the eye, and she knew he was goading her. It was the first indication he’d made that he still thought she was different, and it surprised her.

  They’d mentioned Jonas a few times, saying he’d be able to explain things to her that they couldn’t. She always changed the subject when they spoke about him, content to learn from them. She’d thought they’d realised their assumptions about her were wrong, but apparently, all they’d done was humour her, just waiting for the time to start nudging her again. She wanted to sigh in exasperation. What would it take for them to realise they were wrong?

  “Maybe it’s best we don’t go down tonight.” Nate ran a hand through his hair, letting strands fall into his eyes. “I mean, considering what you saw last time we were there with you.” He threw down the challenge, and Lily refused to give him any quarter.

  “I’d like to go back, see inside,” she said, keeping eye contact with him. This would be the perfect time to show them that all she had was epilepsy.

  “There we go,” Nate said with a smile and wiped his fingers on a paper towel. “Let’s clear up here, and we can go across before it gets dark.”

  “We don’t have to.” Jake put his empty box with Josh’s.

  “It’s okay,” she said, her eyes still on Nate, who was watching her with his head tilted down. “I’m certain I won’t have a seizure again. I was stressed still from moving.”

  “Of course.” Nate stood up, gathering some of the boxes together.

  The twins looked at each other, and it irritated her. “I won’t fit again,” she told them. “It was all a bit too much; a lot had happened in a short space of time, and it made my epilepsy worse. I’m fine now.”

  Josh kept his eyes on the table as he shrugged. “Whatever you say,” he murmured.

  Her irritation grew. They all thought it—not just Nate, all of them. She stood up, picking up the dirty napkins. “Can we drop it?” she asked.

  “There’s nothing to drop,” Nate pointed out. “You want to see the mill, we’ll show you the mill. Let’s go.”

  “Yes, let’s go,” she said mock sweetly, smiling at him. His smile grew, and it irritated her even more. She binned the napkins, shutting the lid a bit harder than necessary.

  “I’ll carry you back if needed,” he said as she went past him to the utility room. She turned sharply to glare at him. Not only was he bossy, he was also incapable of admitting when he was wrong.

  “I won’t need carrying,” she snapped and stuffed her feet into her trainers, her irritation turning to annoyance.

  She opened the back door and stomped out into the twilight. Another wave of annoyance rippled through her when she realised she’d forgotten her coat and would have to go back for it.

  Matt stood in the doorway, holding it out for her. She thanked him, and he helped her into it, drawing it around her.

  “He’s worried about you; we all are.” He turned to go back inside to get his own jacket. His words stopped her in her tracks. They cared for her, were worried for her, even though it was misplaced worry.

  “You don’t have to worry about me, y’know. I’ve had epilepsy for as long as I can remember. I’ve been looking after myself for a long time.”

  “We know that,” Jake said as he passed her, tugging a lock of her hair.

  “But what you keep forgetting is that you’re not alone anymore,” Josh added and caught up with Jake, slinging his arm around his neck.

  “I was never alone,” she whispered.

  “Yeah, you were,” Matt said softly. “But you’re not now.” He caught her hand and tugged her along with him. Nate fell into step with her on the other side and took her other hand.

  There they went again, confusing her with the hand holding. They did it around school, and people noticed. Nothing was said to her, but she knew they talked—they always did. She’d try to pull her hands away, but they would hold on tighter. She’d tried keeping her hands in her pockets, but they’d tug her sleeves till they got her hands free. To be honest, she didn’t put up much of a fight as she enjoyed holding their hands. She’d tried to put it down to them being friendly, but it seemed like more. Especially now she was almost certain Nate and Matt had wanted to kiss her. Except maybe they hadn’t and it was just wishful thinking on her part.

  With the Autumn Equinox only a few days away, the nights were drawing in. There was a stillness around her as if the woods were waiting for something. It was an eerie quietness that put the hairs up on the back of her neck and made her shiver. She wasn’t going to let the boys know, but apprehension was growing stronger in her mind.

  “The mist is rolling in,” Nate said. “It feels so still tonight.”

  “Should we go back?” she asked. She saw him look sideways at her. His lips tugged into a smirk. “I mean, if it gets misty. Will we still be able to see where we’re going?”

  “We know these woods like the backs of our hands,” Josh said over his shoulder. “We’d get you home blindfolded if necessary.”

  She doubted that, but she kept quiet. She’d walked down this path before, but none of it looked familiar now. If she lost sight of them in here, she’d get turned around easily. She tightened her grip on their hands, relieved when they gripped her tightly in return. She kept her focus on the ground as they drew closer to the river.

  “We’re here,” Nate said quietly.

  She held her breath. No matter how much she denied it, a part of her worried about what would happen.

  She let go of their hands to follow the twins around the side of the mill. She held herself rigidly. Her hands balled into fists as she stepped around the corner, keeping her eyes on the ground at her feet.

  “When did they stop using it?” she asked, trying hard to distract herself.

  “Years ago,” Matt answered.

  She kept her head down until she had no option but to look up. She lifted her head and saw the wheel turning slowly. And that was all she saw. Relief flooded through her. They were wrong, and she knew it.

  “It’s very pretty.” She couldn’t resist the urge to smile smugly at Nate. He merely smirked at her, one eyebrow raised above his blue eyes.

  “Come inside, Lily Pad!” Josh beckoned to her as he went through a door she hadn’t seen last time.

  “It’s going to be too dark.” She looked over as Matt touched her back to encourage her forwards.

  “No, we’ll be fine,” Jake called out from inside.

  She went through the narrow door into pitch black. She stood perfectly still, n
ot wanting to walk into anything or fall into some deep pit. Light flooded the room, making her blink against the sudden brightness.

  A low ceiling of wooden beams and planks was above her head. It was so low that Matt only had a clearance of about three inches. She looked around her, taking in the huge mill stones, gears, and cogs that made up the mill workings. Long since disconnected, they lay in silence, no longer turning in rhythm to the thudding of the wheel outside. Sadness slipped through her at the forgotten and unused space. She wondered how many people had worked here in its heyday. How many men, long since passed, had made a living here from the sweat of their brows?

  A steep, wooden staircase led up to the floor above, and she saw the light was coming from there. She turned to face the twins who had jumped up to sit on one of the mill stones.

  “Have you managed to rig up electricity from the wheel?” she asked.

  “No,” Josh said. “Never thought of trying that. We should try that, Jacob.”

  “What’s the point?” Nate asked. “We don’t need it.”

  “Yeah, but it would be cool to get it to work,” Jake said.

  Lily knew they were into mechanics, especially car mechanics as they were taking it as a subject. Their dad owned the little garage outside the village, and they worked with him sometimes. But that didn’t explain where the light was coming from.

  “How are you getting light, then?” she asked.

  Matt winked at her and indicated the stairs that led to the floor above. “Go and have a look.”

  She crossed to the stairs, aware of Nate moving in behind her. Wondering what she was going to see, she climbed the steps, her hand on the wooden railing. She faltered on the top step, lost her balance, and went down onto her hands and knees. She crawled forward, unable to take in what she saw.