Denial

by R. M. Walker

His words stung because they were true. Misery crept in along with desperation, and she took cover in anger. “I’m not lying to anyone, Ignatius!”

  “Don’t you start with me!” Nate said hotly.

  “Me?” She flapped her hands in agitation. “You’re the one ranting!”

  Nate shook his head and started to pace again. She nibbled on a fingernail as she watched him. She knew she frustrated them. She was lying to herself as much—no, more than she was lying to them. But she didn’t want to know. Why couldn’t he accept that? It was her life. How could that hurt him?

  “You’re burying your head in the sand, aren’t you?” he sighed, facing her, his hands in his pockets.

  “No!”

  “Why can’t you just admit it to yourself at least? You don’t have your head in the sand, you’ve completely covered yourself!”

  “So what if I have?” she cried out. She was cornered, and the feeling of helplessness was overwhelming. They were right, but she was terrified of what would happen if she finally admitted it.

  “Argh!” He threw his hands in the air again. “You’re being a coward! Pretending it’s not happening is not going to make it go away. Don’t you see that? You’re stronger than this, braver than this. I know you are! You’re the smartest girl I know, but you’re willingly allowing yourself to be ignorant over probably the most important thing that will ever happen to you, and I don’t get it.”

  “Ignorance is bliss,” she mumbled.

  “Ignorance is no excuse!” he shot back, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Lily! Come on! You can’t be ignorant because you already know! You’re being stubborn now. Don’t you want to know what you can do? Don’t you want a way to stop flipping out at random things? If you control this, you can get a licence to drive in two years! You can do all the things you think you can’t do! Do you want to be dependent on medication and your mother for the rest of your life?”

  His words cut her defences in half. She wanted to be able to drive, to be left alone to have a bath, to be able to control it.

  She covered her face with her hands. He crouched down in front of her and gently gripped her wrists, tugging them away from her face till she looked at him.

  “Tell me what happened?” he whispered. “Trust me to help you.”

  She closed her eyes, turning her face away. He was right. She had to face this. It wasn’t going away. But that didn’t lessen the fear; it just ramped it up till it made her feel sick.

  “I honestly don’t know what happened last night, but this afternoon was... he was talking about...” He cupped her cheek with his hand, and she opened her eyes to look at him. “It was me, Nate, it was me,” she whispered. Panic rose in her at admitting it, not just to him but herself.

  “Shh, it’s okay.” He drew her down from the sofa to sit on his lap. His arms wrapped around her. She sank into him, tucked her head under his chin, and closed her eyes.

  “No! It’s really not okay! I made those flowers grow, I know it wasn’t Josh or Jake, but if I keep blaming them or a trick of the light, then I don’t have to face it.” She felt hands touch her knees, and she opened her eyes. The others had come over to crouch beside her.

  “It’s fine, Lily,” Josh murmured. “Keep going.”

  “I felt it this afternoon. When he started talking about burning the women. It was me. I was burning. I wasn’t at the beach anymore. It was dark, raining... and the agony.” She shuddered in Nate’s hold and brought her hands to cover her face. “I could feel my skin blistering, every inch of me was in agony. I don’t want this; I don’t want it!”

  “Shit.” Nate gripped her tighter. “Lily, fucking hell, that—” He ground to a halt, and she realised he had no idea what to say or how to help her. Despite what he’d said, he didn’t know how to make it better.

  “No one would want that, Lily,” Jake said. “It sounds like... What the fuck does it sound like?”

  “Transference?” Matt seemed uncertain.

  “You mean because he was talking about it, I... what? Hallucinated it? Imagined it? Got some memories from a past life? Maybe I’m going insane!” She scrambled to her feet and crossed to the fireplace, covering her mouth.

  “You are not insane!” Nate got to his feet along with the others. “I don’t know why it happened. Jonas will know.”

  “No! Absolutely not!” She lifted her hands to him. “I would rather get sectioned than face that man again.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” Nate rolled his eyes. “He’s your best bet. We’re out of depth here as much as you are. We’ve heard of Seers, but we don’t know a lot. He’ll be able to help you.”

  “I don’t care if he can turn water into wine. I am not going to see him!”

  “Why the fuck not?” Nate demanded in exasperation. “He can help you.”

  “C’mon, he’s your answer. And to be honest, if he doesn’t know, he’ll know how to find out,” Josh pointed out.

  She shook her head stubbornly.

  “Give me one reason, Lilith, one good reason why you won’t speak to him, and I will never mention it again.”

  “For fuck’s sake, Nate, she’s scared of him. Do you really need that spelt out for you?” Matt exclaimed.

  Nate stared at her then closed his eyes. “Of course, you are.” He blew out his breath and opened his eyes. “How the fucking hell did I miss that? You’re scared, and I didn’t see it.” He moved to stand in front of her.

  “I’m scared of it all,” she admitted. The others moved in closer to her but didn’t touch her.

  “You don’t need to be scared of Jonas. He’ll only help you,” Josh said in a quiet voice.

  “He gave me an aneurism. I think I have grounds to be scared of him.” Her voice rose in panic.

  “It wasn’t an aneurism.” Nate sighed. “He gave you a vision to see if you’d, well, to see if you’d see it.”

  “But it hurt! And he’s going to do it again, isn’t he? To try and control these things.”

  “He wanted to see what was happening,” Jake tried to explain. “I don’t think he believed it until then.”

  “It felt like he was ripping off the top of my skull!” She snorted and tried one last time to deny it all. “And besides, maybe I won’t get anymore.”

  “And maybe you will,” Jake pointed out. “They seem to be getting more frequent. And when you hit eighteen, your powers will really kick in. You need to be at least somewhere close to controlling them.”

  “It’s only a few days away,” Josh added.

  “The thing is, Lily, you don’t get to choose who you are. It just happens, and you have to deal with it,” Matt said. “It’s who you are and that isn’t going to change no matter how much you want it to.”

  Lily sighed unhappily. She was still trying to process what they could do and their powers that defied the laws of physics. It was too much to add in that they were right about her.

  “We’ll be with you,” Nate said.

  “Can’t I keep my head in the sand a little longer?”

  “No, you’ll suffocate.” Nate held out a hand to her. She took a deep breath and took it, nodding her head in defeat. His fingers tightened around hers, and she saw the others visibly relax. “It’ll be okay, you’re not alone.”

  “I know you mean it, and it makes my toes tingle and my heart warm, but I am alone in this. I’m on my own in my head. When I’m in my room at night, it’s me who has to face this, and it frightens me.”

  “You’ve spent far too long on your own. Depending on yourself or your mum. You are alone in your head, in your room, but you aren’t as well. If you’re feeling lost, ring us. One of us will always be around. If it’s two in the morning and you’re scared, ring us. You’re only alone until you let someone in. Come and see Jonas with us.”

  She drew in a deep breath and nodded. The instant relief showed on their faces.

  Nate kissed her cheek. “You won’t regret this, I promise.�
�

  Josh took her other hand, and they led her from the room. It was too late for Lily to do anything but hope she remained sane at the end of it.

  Distrust

  Jonas opened the front door. He looked the same as before when he’d given her the worst headache she’d ever had. She wanted to turn tail and run back to the Land Rover.

  “Lily, good to see you again. Boys.” He stepped back to let them inside.

  Nate had a tight grip on her hand, and she was certain it was more to stop her from running than because he wanted to. From the time they’d got out of the Land Rover, they’d formed a circle around her, and it wasn’t just to support her.

  Nate tugged her hand, but she couldn’t get her feet to move. Josh put his hand on her back and pushed as Nate tugged her. She wanted to reach out and grip the doorframe to stop them from dragging her inside.

  “Lily!” Nate hissed her name in exasperation. She made a whining noise but let them get her through the door and into his house. Nate kept his grip tight as they followed Jonas into the living room.

  Lily nearly swallowed her tongue when Jonas snapped his fingers and the lights brightened. It was one thing to see Nate do it but a different thing when it was Jonas.

  “Excuse the mess,” he said, taking a pile of paper from the sofa and dropping it onto his desk. “My class’ homework, I was just marking it.”

  “Oh!” Lily jumped onto it like a drowning man to a raft. “We’re disturbing you. We’ll come back later!” She turned to leave, but Matt blocked the way and Nate caught the back of her neck with one hand.

  “Nate! Let her go instantly!” Jonas barked.

  Nate let her go and caught her hand instead. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just don’t want you running again.”

  “You didn’t hurt me,” she admitted, her wary eyes on Jonas, surprised he’d told Nate off.

  “Nevertheless, he can’t treat you that way,” Jonas said. “Please, Lily, sit down. You’re not disturbing me. I can tell you’re scared of me, though. Would it help if I told you I won’t hurt you? That I’m sorry I gave you a headache last time? Because I am.”

  “An aneurism. You gave me an aneurism,” she said warily. “I’m certain you killed brain cells I shall never get back again.”

  “It wasn’t an aneurism. And if any brain cells did die, you haven’t missed them,” Nate sighed.

  “I shall always miss them. They could be the difference between an A or a B in my finals.” She sat down on the edge of the sofa, ready to run at a moment’s notice.

  “Then I shall reassure you that no brain cells were damaged, then or later,” Jonas said, sitting down in his chair by the fire. “I was pushing my way into your head, and you were pushing me back out. That’s why it hurt.”

  “Well, it was very rude,” she said, trying to process what he’d so casually told her. “You shouldn’t just push your way into someone’s head without asking first.”

  Nate sat down next to her with a heavy sigh. Matt sat on her other side, and the twins went to the same spot on the sofa they’d sat in last time she was here. A strong sense of déjà vu filled her, along with a good dose of uneasiness.

  She’d been aware of Jonas before, but this time she was hyper-aware of him. She’d been on her best behaviour last time because the boys liked him. This time she wouldn’t worry about upsetting them. If he made a wrong move, she was not staying. She knew the boys believed he was better than chocolate, but she highly doubted it.

  “Boys, how about some tea or coffee?” Jonas said.

  She made a grab for Nate and Matt’s hands, clutching them tightly. Matt chuckled, extricated his hand, and stood up, Nate slid slightly closer to her, not breaking her death grip on him. Matt and the twins left the room. She resisted the urge to run after them, but only because Nate stayed with her.

  “So, Lily, what have my boys told you?” Jonas crossed his legs and leant back in his chair.

  “That they’re fae.” She swallowed. “That things aren’t quite what I thought they were.”

  “And you’re struggling to believe it, aren’t you?”

  “No.” She shook her head, and his eyebrows went up. “I believe it well enough; I just don’t understand it.”

  He smiled then, and she had the feeling her answer had pleased him. “So tell me what you know.”

  “That fairies are real.” Nate flinched beside her. “Fae, I mean. But they’re nothing like they are in fiction. Magic is as real as breathing, just well hidden. Because of the way we live now, there’s no room for it anymore.”

  “Close.” Jonas got up, and she tensed, ready to make a run for it if he came towards her. Nate stroked his thumb over the back of her hand to calm her, but she didn’t think even a shot of diazepam could do that.

  Jonas crossed to his desk. If he noticed her reaction, he chose to ignore it. He unlocked a drawer and drew out a book. Turning, he held it out to her. Nate nudged her to take it when she only stared. She took it gingerly, expecting it to attack her, and she sighed in relief when nothing happened.

  “I see I’m going to have to work hard to get your trust,” Jonas said with a smile. “That’s as it should be.” He crossed back to his chair and sat down.

  Lily placed the book on her lap with one hand, not ready to let go of Nate yet. There was nothing on the cover or spine to tell her what it was about, and when she opened it, it was blank. She leafed through it, but every page was the same.

  “There are few of us left in the world,” Jonas said. “I supposed you could say we’re an endangered breed. I’m not saying we are, but we could be the last generation. When we pass on, magic may leave this world.”

  “Why?” She looked up from the book. His words had caught her attention.

  “Because belief has been replaced by science. Science explains why the seasons happen, gives people medication. Imagination has been replaced with technology. If you don’t use something, it gets forgotten. It can die.”

  “You mean a little bit like you’re dying because no one believes in you? Sort of like ‘I don’t believe in fairies’ and one drops dead somewhere?”

  Nate snorted with laughter. “You’re thinking storybook again.”

  “Of course she is. It’s her only experience with this, Nate.”

  Lily was taken aback to hear Jonas defend her again, and it lowered her defences slightly.

  “But no, Lily, not quite like stories would have us believe. We don’t die because someone doesn’t believe in us. It’s just there are fewer and fewer born in each generation.”

  “Isn’t it passed on in the bloodlines though?” Lily asked, looking back at him again.

  “Not quite how you imagine. Remember in biology when blood groups were discussed? If both parents are A then their children could be A or O, but not B or AB, yes?” She nodded, and he carried on. “Well, it’s similar to that. I’m fae, so somewhere in my direct bloodline there are other fae. Same with the boys, and it will be the same with you. It’s passed along through the generations. Hundreds of years ago, magic was stronger and every generation would have several fae. Now there can be several jumps before one is born. It’s getting less and less as each generation passes.”

  “Because they’re no longer needed,” she said, beginning to understand what he was saying.

  “Because the world is changing,” he said, nodding. “What nature no longer needs, it doesn’t reproduce. Maybe in the distant future, if things were to change and technology was lost for one reason or another, then magic may be awakened in us as a race again. For now, it will go to sleep, unneeded.”

  “That’s sad,” she said. “But why are you able to do what you can? Why isn’t it sleeping already? We’ve had technology for years now. 1969 they put a man on the moon. So why can Nate, who was born long after that, still control fire? Or the others? Why isn’t it sleeping in them?”

  “Because theirs was a strong bloodline to begin with
. I can trace their bloodlines back through ten generations, and there were eight fae in that time. That’s a lot.”

  “How do you do that? Trace it back?”

  The door opened, and the others came back in with mugs. Matt gave a mug to Jonas while the twins had Lily’s and Nate’s. Nate let go of her hand and took both his and hers from them.

  “Family traditions, family Bibles, public records and census documents will give anyone a family tree. Word of mouth about crazy old aunts, grandfathers that were eccentric. Most families have stories of that one relative that was a little odd. When you start to research, it’s amazing what you can turn up. Plus, I have that.” Jonas pointed at the book in her lap.

  “What is this?” She held it up. The feeling of being overwhelmed started creeping up on her again.

  “That is your history, when you’re ready to use it,” Jonas replied, sipping at his tea.

  “My...” She faded out, looking down at the pages again. “It’s blank,” she said, wondering if he was perhaps a little touched.

  “They will be until you decide you’re ready to see it. No one can read your history except for you.”

  “So this is... What is it?” She was lost now; it was starting to get fantastical again.

  Jake sat beside her and took the book from her. “This is an Aperio. We found out that our Great Aunt Jane was an animal fae through this. She died before we were born though. Look.” He opened it at a random page. The page was covered in writing with a few drawings but it was blurred. She leant over to see clearer, but it made no difference. It remained blurred.

  “You won’t be able to read it even if you sit on my lap and I hold it in front of you. It’s only legible to Josh and me.” He passed it back to her, and the page immediately went blank again. The urge to throw the book away from her was strong.

  “It frightens you,” Jonas said. “And so it should. Fear is good, fear is not cowardice; it keeps us alive. This is all new to you, all of it. But when you’re ready, it will show you what you want to know.”

  “Which may be never. You do realise that, don’t you?” she muttered. She closed the book, feeling slightly sick.