Your Face in Mine

by Jess Row

  My father was Jewish, I told him, my mother wasn’t, as far as I know, I never went to synagogue, never had a bar mitzvah. I know a lot of Jews. I don’t know. Am I a Jew?

  He shrugged. You’re asking me? Don’t ask me. Ask a rabbi.

  I don’t know any rabbis.

  Well, he said, maybe you’ll read these books and feel something.

  We read—who did we read first? Primo Levi. Elie Wiesel. Borowski. Danilo Kiš. But the best one was this guy I’d never heard of, Bruno Schulz. Who wasn’t even really a Holocaust writer at all. I mean, yes, he was killed by a Nazi. But everything we have that he wrote, just two little books of short stories, was written in the Thirties, before the Germans invaded Poland. He never wrote a thing about the Nazis. All his work was about his childhood and his family. And his debates with God.

  I’m not much of a reader. God knows. I mean, since high school, when that was my job, when I read everything. My adult store of knowledge, like Seymour used to say, is all from the school of fall down six times, get up seven. But there was this one story by Bruno Schulz that changed my entire life. Really not the whole story. Just one page. For years I had it taped to the wall in my bedroom. Then I had a guy at Kinko’s do it in tiny print and laminate it on a card. So, okay: the story is called “Tailor’s Dummies.” The father is this older, crazy guy, a hermit, like Dad, not incidentally, who has this thing about mannequins. Dummies. He sees life in these artificial things, these, you know, made-up forms of human beings. That’s his project. This is the father talking, giving his treatise on dummies and what they mean. I had to order a new copy on Amazon; it just arrived yesterday. Hold on, I’ll get the page.

  “The Demiurge,” said my father [MW reading aloud], “has had no monopoly of creation, for creation is the privilege of all spirits. Matter has been given infinite fertility, inexhaustible vitality and, at the same time, a seductive power of temptation which invites us to create as well. In the depth of matter, indistinct smiles are shaped, tensions build up, attempts at form appear. The whole of matter pulsates with infinite possibilities which send dull shivers through it. Waiting for the life-giving breath of the spirit, it is endlessly in motion. It entices us with a thousand sweet, soft, round shapes which it blindly dreams up within itself.

  “Deprived of all initiative, indulgently acquiescent, pliable like a woman, submissive to every impulse, it is a territory outside any law, open to all kinds of charlatans and dilettanti, a domain of abuses and of dubious demiurgical manipulations. Matter is the most passive and most defenseless essence in cosmos. Anyone can mold it and shape it; it obeys everybody. All attempts at organizing matter are transient and temporary, easy to reverse and to dissolve. There is no evil in reducing life to other and newer forms. Homicide is not a sin. It is sometimes a necessary violence on resistant and ossified forms of existence which have ceased to be amusing. In the interests of an important and fascinating experiment, it can even become meritorious. Here is the starting point of a new apologia for sadism.

  “My father never tired of glorifying this extraordinary element matter. ‘There is no dead matter,’ he taught us, ‘lifelessness is only a disguise behind which hide unknown forms of life. The range of these forms is infinite and their shades and nuances limitless. The Demiurge was in possession of important and interesting creative recipes. Thanks to them he created a multiplicity of species, which renew themselves by their own devices. No one knows whether these recipes will ever be reconstructed. But this is unnecessary, because even if the classical methods of creation should prove inaccessible for evermore, there still remain some illegal methods, an infinity of heretical and criminal methods.’”

  We barely discussed “Tailor’s Dummies” in class. It was just before midterms and Klefkowitz had already told us Schulz wouldn’t be on the test. Too hard, he said. Too weird. I think I was the only person in class who read it. And when I did—after I’d looked up what Demiurge meant—my whole body lit up like a lightbulb. I mean, I didn’t know what it meant vis-à-vis Martin Lipkin. So I went to Klefkowitz, to his office hours, and asked him, what the hell is this? Is this Judaism?

  No, he said. I mean, yes. In a sense. But no.

  Well, which is it?

  He got up from his shelves and put his fingers on this fat purple book—I saw the spine. It read The Zohar. To me that sounded like something out of Ghostbusters. Then he turned and sat back down. No, he said, really weary, you have to find that out for yourself.

  Well, what does this part mean? Even if the classical methods of creation should prove inaccessible for evermore, there still remain some illegal methods, an infinity of heretical and criminal methods. What kind of heretical and criminal methods?

  Then you know what he did? He slid his chair over to me and put his hand on my face. Like he was a blind man.

  You’ll figure it out, he said. The important thing is, you felt something.

  All I was really doing in college was thinking about college. As a marketplace. As the final nut to crack in the world of large-scale pot retailing. Seymour kept calling me—he was living up in Burlington by then—new product was coming online, hotter and hotter stuff: cyber-pot, we used to call it. But college networks were so insular. You had to find a way to override all of that and cut out the middleman. So we invented this thing called the Little Green Bus. Maybe you heard of it, at Amherst? It was a college-to-college van service, staffed by students, coordinated by students. By this time the Internet was really up and running and I put the whole reservation thing together that way. Except for the payment. No one would use credit cards online back in those days, so I had to hire a girl in Catonsville, a friend from my econ class, to take orders over the phone.

  Anyway: you wouldn’t believe how popular we were. We had three routes: the long one, Duke to Burlington; the short one, Burlington to Princeton; and the east-west, Harvard to Oberlin, stopping at Amherst, Cornell, and Kenyon. And our drivers—well, they were paid a percentage of sales. Some of them made enough for college themselves doing it. We couldn’t pack the vans tight enough. Everyone knew what the Little Green Bus was for. The weed had a brand name: we even had custom-made horns that played “Brown-Eyed Girl.” I swear to God, there were places—Sarah Lawrence was one—where we’d sell out the store and have to send an overnight driver down from Burlington to restock for the rest of the trip south. And we were doing it with a fifteen percent markup for convenience. No one cared. The product was awesome. The whole thing was a guerrilla sales company before the concept existed. Word of mouth. No advertising. No corporate address. All the fleet management was done by a guy Seymour knew in Hartford: he painted the vans, he fixed the vans, he provided the gas cards for the drivers. We paid him in cash. No taxes, no filings. The credit card account went to a Mailboxes place on York Road.

  It was genius, and it lasted three years. Longer than we ever imagined. Right through the millennium. Finally, one of our drivers had an accident—in an empty van, by some miracle. Taking it in for service. Rolled it over on 91 near New Haven and ripped the chassis open. Bricks of weed all over the shoulder. Seymour sent the guy bail money and then somehow got him on a plane to Honduras. No names, no evidence, but the whole network had to go overnight. We left fifty thousand dollars out on the road, plus the value of the vans. Just abandoned them wherever they were. One guy drove his off a pier into Lake Erie. Another took his out to Moab, got all the pot out, and then torched it in a bonfire out in the desert, or so the story went.

  And all this time Seymour was in Vermont, running the wholesale operation, and I was still here, in Dad’s house, running Little Green Bus and picking up checks from that mailbox out on York. We talked only on pay phones, like real drug dealers. And I was getting a little paranoid, with hundreds of thousands of dollars of cash in the house. Because that’s how much it was. I kept my expenses basically at zero. Survived on Chinese food and those bagged premade salads from the supermarket. S
till drove Dad’s old Scirocco. Wore two pairs of black jeans and a black Carhartt hoodie. But the isolation was wearing me down. Alan was long gone. Everyone else from Willow was out of college by now and living in Brooklyn or Berkeley or China. I hadn’t made hardly any friends at UMBC, and I wasn’t playing music or going out much. The work was seven days a week, twenty-four/seven; I had to carry two pagers and a cell every time I left the house, even to walk around the corner.

  So, to make a long story a little shorter: I bought a gun. Not for any good reason. We made no enemies. No turf wars. Never sold shit in Baltimore; Hopkins wasn’t even on our radar. Nobody was going to try to rob the house; it was still the fortress it always was. But living alone so much of the time—and watching too many movies, too much bad TV—makes anyone crazy. You get so you can’t even make conversation with the girl giving you change for a meatball sub at the deli. Everyone starts giving you these big eyes. So I bought one gun, a Glock. Kept it under my pillow. Then Jonas, the guy I bought it from, offered me a discount on a hot double-barreled Mossberg. I kept that one next to the front door. If I had to I could kill someone by shooting through the door. Then another Glock to keep under my seat in the car. Then a little gun, a Walther PPK, .25 caliber, that I kept in my waistband wherever I went. Then, just for the hell of it, I bought an AR-15 kit gun off the Internet. Screw-on silencer, extra-long clip. No special reason other than that any kid who grew up watching The A-Team wants one of those things. I just wanted to take it out to the range and see the look on people’s faces. Hell, going to the range had become my only means of entertainment other than jerking off. I had an unlimited pass. In a couple of months I’d gone from just another unarmed Joe Schmo to the owner of my own private arsenal.

  And then Seymour came for a visit. Just stopping through. We hadn’t seen each other face-to-face in nearly a year. He came through the door and took it all in with one look. I was holding the Mossberg in one hand and a bottle of NoDoz in the other. That was my drug of choice in those days. Espresso wasn’t strong enough. Epinephrine freaked me out. Coke and meth were too dangerous. So I’d take six NoDoz at a time, ground up in a Mountain Dew.

  Look at yourself, he said. This isn’t just pathetic. It’s dangerous. This isn’t the business we’re in.

  How do you protect your money?

  I hide it, he said. I launder it. I can teach you all that shit. Why didn’t you just ask? You need a course in Drug Banking 101. But first you need a vacation. Callie’s taking over Little Green Bus. You’re coming back with me to Burlington, right now.

  And you know what? I knew he was right. I had to get out of town. Baltimore was killing me. That house was killing me. All Dad’s things were still around: his pictures, his records, his clothes in the closet. I still slept in my old room, on the same bed I’d had since middle school. I was turning into some kind of pale underground fish, you know, the kind that live in caves, that never see daylight in their entire lives? I was turning into a bat. My skin kept breaking out. I hadn’t had a girlfriend in years, but I was watching porn and jerking off four times a day. It was deforming me, all this easy money. It was warping my spirit. Ultimately, I’d screw up somehow and get caught. Or go crazy. Or get so sad I’d kill myself. Or do it by accident, cleaning my guns. Seymour made me get rid of them before I left. One by one, we filed off the serial numbers and threw them over the Tydings Bridge into the Susquehanna. I cried, doing it; it was like killing kittens. Those guns were innocent. They were the only family I had. Then I curled up and fell asleep in the back of his Wrangler and woke up the next morning in the Green Mountains.

  I know it’s silly. I know it’s a cliché. But I’m not afraid. I’m not deceived. No one would tell this story for me. Listen: when I was in Burlington, this was in the spring of 1998, April, May, I was there for a month, and it seemed like every house I went to, every car I hitched a ride in, this song was on the stereo. Okay. Big whoop. Crunchy granola folks like Bob Marley. But everywhere, and the same song. That bass line was in the air; it carried me. Days and nights blurred together. I was carrying around fifteen thousand dollars in a little Mountain Gear backpack. Bricks of dirty twenties. Seymour had made up with his girlfriend, bought a new house with her, and he kept saying, look, let me show you what it’s like here, you’ll never want to be anyplace else.

  It was pretty great. No matter how high you are in Vermont, and I was high, you feel as if you’re just getting healthier every day by breathing the air. It’s like air conditioning for the soul. Anywhere you walk in Burlington you can see these amazing mountains, Mount Mansfield, the Green Mountains, and then there’s the lake right at the edge of the city, and everything just feels washed clean and new. I suppose it reminded me a little of what Big Love was like, back in the day. Wouldn’t want to live in Vermont, god knows, but it’s about the best place in the world to recharge. And Seymour had this amazing house, a modern place, all wood on the outside, huge windows, beautiful trees all around, cedars and hemlocks, with a sauna and a hot tub on the back patio. His girlfriend—I think her name was Amy—was this incredibly beautiful half-Japanese, half-Mexican girl, still in college, who was some kind of professional vegetarian chef and also a harpist. She would make us these incredible meals, huge salads, fresh soups, sushi, cold noodles, homemade tofu, and then go off into her studio over the garage and play the harp all day. It was the first time I’d ever really tasted food in my life. Seymour took me downtown and bought me all new clothes—lots of linens, and a couple of really beautiful suits, from this tailor he knew, a Czech refugee named Jaroslav.

  You know what I’m trying to show you? he said. It’s very simple. You want to know how I hide my money? I don’t. Nobody bothers rich people in this world. Yes, there’s some basic mechanics involved. You’ve got to get that dirty cash into bank accounts. I mean you. Starting now. We’ve got to work on that. But the most important thing is, you’ve got to live like you’ve got nothing to hide. No fear. And for god’s sake, live like a grown-up. Don’t know what couches to buy? Get a decorator. Better yet, marry a decorator. Don’t know what suit to wear to a summer wedding? Go into Bloomingdale’s and ask. You’ll put it together soon enough. That’s your work from now on. Worried about getting a life? Forget that. Get a lifestyle.

  I was listening, but at the same time I wasn’t really listening. You could say I was storing it up for later. His life wasn’t my life. I was still an egg. Still cracking. The chrysalis. It was all coming together, but I couldn’t see what it was. I was just walking around with a gigantic rock in my gut. Seymour knew it, too, and he kept saying it was a matter of changing the formula. He had a whole room full of bud, in glass jars, all labeled, sources and dates—his apothecary—and his philosophy was that there was a blend for every psychic condition. That was what he was working on: weed psychiatry. First he had me on “Questioning,” then “Anxiety Detox,” then “Clarification.” I smoked it, I used his atomizer, ate it in brownies, ate it ground up and sprinkled on rice; I got high in the sauna, in the hot tub, in the woods, sitting in his massage chair—I was his guinea pig, in other words, and it wasn’t working. What happened instead, not surprisingly, is I started to forget things. Whole conversations, whole days. Names of people I hadn’t thought about in months. I thought I had early-onset Alzheimer’s or something. And then I came to my senses and I knew I had to leave.

  In the end it was very simple: I packed up and took a taxi in the middle of the morning, when everyone was asleep. That was the last I ever saw of Seymour. I went and knocked on this girl’s door. Carolina. We’d met at a party; she’d made it clear that she’d give me the time of day whenever I asked for it.

  Come in, she said, I was just about to do some peyote. Want to come?

  Three days later I woke up in a field, soaking wet. It was just before dawn. Half in, half out of my sleeping bag, my hands spread out on the grass, drenched in dew, smelling of clover. My backpack was gone. My money was gone. I knew that i
mmediately. Seymour was gone. And this is what it was: we know where we’re going, we know where we’re from. We live in Babylon, we’re going to our fatherland.

  I picked up my arms, I swear to god, I looked at my hands, in the dawn light, you know, the blue light turning to daylight, and I saw myself getting darker, saw my skin turning brown, all but the palms of the hands, and I knew, I knew, swear to fucking god, that I was emerging, all wet, as what I was always meant to be. I had no fear. I stood up and started walking. I went back to Baltimore; I got my savings out from all the places I’d stored it, the rafters, the basement, safe-deposit boxes, dummy accounts. I did what Seymour told me to do. Found the right lawyer. Put on a golf shirt and flew down to the Caymans with a big fat cashier’s check. And then when I got back to Baltimore I opened the Yellow Pages, and looked up plastic surgery.

  23.

  Six weeks ago, when we met the first time, when I handed her the tacky laser-printed business card I’d just made—Kelly Thorndike, Freelance Journalist—Robin made a quick notation on her phone and said, I get an interview, too, right? Want to set one up? My schedule’s pretty full.

  Mine’s not, I said. Send me a time.

  Done, she said, and the next day her assistant emailed me a date at the beginning of May. Lunch 12:45-1:50. I wrote it down on a Post-it and stuck it on the window next to my desk, and nearly every day for weeks I wanted to call her and suggest another time, tell her I’m traveling, that my deadline was moved up—to find a polite and neutral way to cancel. I am not a practiced liar. I am not an actor. With Martin there as my alibi the whole enterprise makes sense; without him Robin and I will just be two people, two adults, out for lunch, in the ordinary everyday world. Two adults with some business to discuss, some matter at hand, but not without a mild frisson of companionable attraction, a little lighthearted flirtation. Nothing is more terrifying for a conspirator, I’m realizing, than the temptation to relax.