To Love A Hitman

by Randell Mccreary

  But Ma and Pa always told me that men can’t be together. That it is a sin and would surely kill them both. They don’t know what I did, so they must still be alive. How could something like that kill them? They didn’t do anything.

  I start wondering if Mister Jacob knows what happened last night. Would he be upset by that? I didn’t do anything like that with him. I just yelled at him and told him that everything I just did was wrong and that he and Mister Christian were sick. Does that make me sick too?

  Somehow, through all the fog and the barrage of questions, I manage to make something edible for breakfast. I hear their boots approaching and get the food set out on the table. Mister Jacob smiles at me and sits down, ready to dig in. Mister Christian comes right up to me and pulls me into a kiss.

  The knots come back. I don’t know if I should pull away or let it happen. I mean, I do enjoy kissing him, but I feel like I have just slighted Mister Jacob. Maybe he will start thinking that I am like one of them saloon harlots. Or he will start thinking that I am just a fast-talker, saying one thing then doing another.

  As soon as Mister Christian pulls away and sits down to eat I look over at Mister Jacob. He already has a plateful of food in front of him. He shoves a forkful of eggs into his mouth and realizes that I am staring at him. He looks up at me with a smile and continues to eat.

  Maybe he didn’t see Mister Christian kiss me. I feel ashamed for nothing. But he was right there, he must have seen something. It’s not like Mister Christian is a small man. He noticed me staring at him and that was less obvious than Mister Christian holding me against him.

  After breakfast they head out to the barn and leave me in the house again. I take the opportunity of the day to scrub the floors. I get my supplies ready and get all the rugs outside for another good beating later on.

  I get down on all fours and start scrubbing. No matter how many layers of dirt I manage to scrub off the floors, I can’t seem to shake the guilty feeling festering in my stomach.

  If I am feeling guilty then I must have some feelings for them right? I wouldn’t feel guilty otherwise. Maybe I just feel guilty because Ma and Pa were right, I did something wrong. No matter how many times I try to tell myself that it was wrong I can’t help but question it.

  It felt good to kiss them. It felt good to be touched by Mister Christian. I wonder what it would be like to be touched by Mister Jacob. I wonder what it would be like to touch them. Would they feel the same way? Pleasure can’t be bad, can it?

  I must have some feelings for them. But they bought me from an auction meant for trading slaves under the long arm of the law and selling off young girls to be married. They haven’t beaten me though. Ma and Pa beat me more. They didn’t want me as a house slave, but a sex slave, right? They are kind when they touch me though. Mister Christian was surprisingly kind.

  The day goes on and I keep moving from room to room, trying to keep my mind off of the thoughts swirling around my head like a tornado. The scrubbing is mindless work, so really it just allows the thoughts to marinade and multiply.

  I have gotten almost the entire place scrubbed by the time I have to start making supper. I get into the kitchen and start getting something together when I hear them approaching. They are talking with one another and seem to be in a good mood.

  Did Mister Christian tell Mister Jacob what we did? He couldn’t have. Mister Jacob wouldn’t be so happy if he knew everything. Would he?

  Supper isn’t quite ready yet so I stay in the kitchen to make sure it all cooks right. Mister Jacob sits at the table and sets his hat down as though they had a hard day out in the barn. Mister Christian comes right into the kitchen and wraps his arms around my waist. I know that from where he is sitting, Mister Jacob could see us.

  I look over and Mister Jacob isn’t even paying attention to us. Even so, it still makes me a bit uncomfortable.

  Mister Christian whispers things in my ear which he has not done before. He barely even spoke to me, let alone whisper. What we did last night seems to have opened him up quite a bit. He tells me the things that he enjoyed about last night which makes my cheeks hot. He stays right up behind me while I get the finishing touches done on supper.

  Once the food is done I turn around to grab the plates. Mister Christian kisses me again then goes to the table to sit across from his brother who just smiles at him. He doesn’t say anything but he does look over at me. He must know, must have heard, must have seen.

  I get the table set and bring out the food. They both fill their plates and Mister Jacob invites me to join them. I grab a plate and sit down.

  Mister Christian starts joking around with his brother and Mister Jacob jokes right back. After last night it seems that Mister Christian has really opened up, like a lot. Occasionally they joke about something that snaps me back to reality because they mention something about me. I know it is about me because either they say my name or look right at me when they say it.

  Mister Jacob jokes about how I called them monsters. Mister Christian laughs then mentions how he made me moan like a squealing pig. I don’t think I sounded like that. Even with all the intimate details being divulged in the guise of jokes, neither of them seem to care. They just laugh and go on.

  We finish dinner and I get all the dishes into the wash basin to clean them. I wait until Mister Christian heads off to his room, leaving Mister Jacob at the table. I see him start to get up and run over to the doorway between the two rooms.

  Mister Jacob turns to me with a raised brow, wondering why the hurry.

  “C-can I talk to you, please, Mister?”

  He nods and comes into the kitchen with me. I start to go out to the porch and he just follows me. Once we are outside I turn around and start my tirade of questions.

  “Why did you buy me like a common mule? You both are monsters for buying another person like that.”

  Mister Jacob smiles at me and stands there on the porch. He stands there and lets me call him a monster, and a beast, and a down-right dirty jerk. When I finally end my questioning he chuckles and folds his arms in front of his chest.

  “I get where you’re coming from, Gin. But look at it from our end too. Where else are a pair of brothers going to find a dark-skinned negro to have their way with without looking like some dirty faggot nigger lovers to the rest of the town?”

  He pauses for a moment and lets me think about it. I suppose if the townsfolk ever found out that they were doing these things with me and I wasn’t bought at a slave auction that it would look differently.

  “We also figured that there are a lot of young men, like yourself, that end up at places like that without really realizing what’s going on. If we got one of them, we could give them something a bit better. At least I’d like to think so.”

  I thought about it for a moment longer. I could still be with Montgomery, who would more than likely have beaten me for burning supper that first night. I may not have thought that something like this was a better option, but thinking harder I guess it is.

  “Look, Gin, I know you’ve got some things bouncing around in that head of yours. Don’t worry about that schedule for tonight, okay? Go up to your cot and take some time to yourself.”

  Then he pats me on the shoulder and heads back inside.

  I stand out on the porch for a few minutes before the night air starts to make me shiver. Then I head back in and up the creaking stairs to the tiny cot. I sit there for a while looking at the wall and up at the stars through the uneven slats.

  Soon I lie back on the cot, with my head on the pillow. I start to think about Mister Jacob. No matter how many nasty things I have called him or Mister Christian, he has been calm and kind. I’ve yelled at him and accused him and called him names. He has smiled and caressed me and kissed me gently.

  I start to see the moon between some of the slats. It tells me that quite a bit of time has passed. I look over towards the stairs and I see no light from below. They must already be asleep.

  I li
e there for quite a while trying as hard as I can to sleep. I toss and turn, unable to shake the thoughts of Mister Jacob from my mind. Finally I just give up on my endeavor and slip out of bed. I choose not to grab my shoes as they would make too much noise.

  Down the stairs and towards Mister Jacob’s room I sneak. I have my arms out and I walk on the balls of my feet to make as little noise as possible. Once I get to his door, I stop and stand there. I stare at his door for a moment, biting my lip. Should I go in? I do want to be with him tonight, but he told me to go up to my cot.

  I take a deep breath and push open the door. I manage to get it open and the second I step into his room, the board under my foot creaks loudly. Mister Jacob starts awake and pulls his revolver from the holster hanging on his bed post. The barrel is aimed right at me and I burst out into sobbing tears.

  I drop to the floor and cower. I can’t even bring myself to tell him that it is just me or not to shoot. He holsters his revolver and I hear him leap out of bed. He drops to his knees in front of me and pulls me close to him.

  “Gin, it’s okay. I’m sorry,” he whispers to me.

  He holds his hand behind my head and has his arm wrapped around my body. He manages to get me to my feet and closes the door. I grab hold of his night shirt and keep my face buried against his chest.

  I cry onto his shirt until my tears have sufficiently soaked through. He sits me down on his bed and removes his night shirt. I rub my eyes and try to calm myself. He gets back into bed and lies down against the wall.

  “Lie down, Gin.”

  I lie down and he wraps his arm around me. His body is warm and calming against mine. I start to think that he may want something more now that he is holding me against his naked body. But after maybe ten minutes I start to hear him snoring behind me.

  After wiping my eyes a few more times I finally pull the blanket over me and cuddle up against him. With his arm around me I feel like a small child again, lying in bed with Ma when she wasn’t drinking yet.

  Mister Jacob holds me softly and I can feel his warm breath against the back of my neck. It doesn’t take long for me to fall asleep in his arms.

  Chapter 8

  I have been living with Misters Christian and Jacob Briars for a few months now. It is starting to get colder at night but that just means I get to be closer to them. The sleeping schedule has been a lot easier on all of us. We have gotten into a decent rhythm with it.

  Sometimes I spend long nights cuddling and talking with Mister Jacob about all sorts of things. When he goes to town he usually brings something back for me. He has been teaching me to read, something Ma and Pa always told me I would never be able to do because I couldn’t go to school. Thanks to Mister Jacob, I can write my name.

  Other nights I spend with Mister Christian and they are lust-filled and passionate. Not all of them are carnal but all of them are passionate. I have learned how to make Mister Christian turn to butter in my hands and he knows just what to do to do the same to me.

  There have been a few difficult moments but I have learned how to communicate between them. Luckily they get a lot of time in town and out in the barn to talk with one another. It seems to have gotten easier with each passing week.

  I know I have some feelings for both of them and I am sure they have feelings for me. None of us have said anything, but I know those feelings are there. I have spent many days and nights trying to figure out exactly what to call my feelings and the best I can come up with is love.

  Ma and Pa always told me that love was for my wife and maybe my kids, but I know I love them. I don’t have a wife and at this point I don’t think I want one. I am happy here with the Briars.

  Every morning I make breakfast and this morning is no different. I get some pancakes and thick slices of ham on the griddle. They get up and get themselves to the table just as I am setting out their plates.

  I bring out the food and they begin heaping it on their plates. After they have taken what they want I get to fill my own plate. This morning is a bit quieter than normal though. A few nights ago Mister Jacob told me that they were hoping that I would choose one of them to be my partner. He explained it like choosing a suitor.

  Really I don’t understand why I have to choose between them but that is what they want so I have to think of something. They have been kind enough to give me some time to think about it, but I can’t think of anything.

  After breakfast I do the dishes as usual. I watch them out the kitchen window heading out with the horses and wagon to town. The house is kept much cleaner now and the barn has been fixed up. The animals have even benefited from my being here.

  I get out to the barn and feed the chickens who have plumped up and started laying eggs again. The rooster is still a bit scrawny but his feathers are less scraggly. The horses are thicker as is the cow.

  As I approach, the cow lets out a bellowing moo. She seems to enjoy when I come about because I brush her. Since she has been given proper food she has been producing fresh milk. We are happier and therefore she is too.

  It takes a few hours but I manage to get a decent clutch of eggs, a bucket of milk, and some happy animals. I bring down another bale of hay for the horses for when they get back and bring the eggs and milk inside.

  Then I go back out into the once barren field that now has a variety of vegetable plants growing happily in the ground. While I go up and down the rows of plants I think on the decision that they want me to make.

  Mister Jacob is a very nice man but we have never had sex together. We talk and joke and he teaches me new things. We read books together and have a great time really. Sometimes we will have baths together. Usually they are relaxing milk baths in which we wash each other and just lightly caress each other.

  Mister Christian, however, is a lot of fun. We touch each other in all sorts of ways and it makes us both feel good. We hardly ever talk but that doesn’t really matter. Our simpler nights involve firm touching, massaging, and caressing. Our more vigorous nights involve all sorts of pleasurable things that I imagine even some saloon girls won’t do.

  I can’t choose between them. The combination of the two of them satisfies me and I thought things were going well for them. I thought they were getting what they needed from me. If Mister Christian wanted to talk intellectually with me, I’m sure he would have by now. If Mister Jacob wanted to have sex with me, he would have.

  Chapter 9

  The sun us starting to go down and they haven’t come back yet. I know there isn’t much left in the kitchen, part of why they went to town was to get more foodstuffs. They will still be expecting their supper though.

  I head back into the kitchen and look through the cabinets to scrounge together anything that might make a decent meal. I find a few little potatoes that can only be used as a mash, maybe with a roast but I know there is none of that. There is enough to make a quick bread but mashed potatoes and bread is hardly a suitable supper.

  Then I remember that I left my baskets of vegetables out in the field in my rush to come inside and make supper. I run out and heft the two baskets onto my shoulders. I get back in and now I have enough to make a meal, although one without meat.

  Luckily this isn’t the first time that they have come home to a vegetable supper. I guess they don’t mind. They always seem happy to just come home and not have to cook.

  I pull together enough vegetables to make a hearty soup. I wash them off, chop them up, and throw them into a big pot to start boiling. The rest of the vegetables get stored in the root cellar, which is really just a dark closet.

  The soup is boiling and creating a nice broth. I sit there on the counter smelling the soup and waiting for them to return. It seems that the longer I look out the window, the longer it will take for them to arrive. Although really I am not ready for them to arrive, I still haven’t made up my mind.

  After a while I start to worry. I take the soup off the range and that is when I hear the horses and wagon coming down the path. I start t
o get all the dishes ready, bowls and spoons and such.

  Once I get everything ready I run out to the porch to greet them. Mister Christian is right there on the stoop while Mister Jacob is in the barn unhitching the horses. He is not smiling down at me which I expected. But this isn’t his normal stone face, this one seems more angry.

  I know he wants an answer but I don’t think he will like the answer I want to give. I want to tell him that I can’t choose between them because I love them both. I want to tell him that I know that they love me and I want to hear them say it too.

  Mister Christian opens his mouth before I can even begin to say what has been bubbling up inside me.

  “Now listen here, Gin. I am an independent man and I will not be tied down to one person for the rest of my life.” Mister Christian says.

  I look at him a little confused but I let him speak.

  “Even so, I still want someone that I can come home to and well… Have evenings of lust with. And I know my brother, Jacob, doesn’t care much for what I like and I really don’t care much for all his book-learnin’. But we both want someone to come home to.

  He thought that maybe you would be more comfortable with having just one of us. I thought maybe you would be too. But then I thought about it more and I don’t know if I like his idea. I don’t know if he was thinking of getting another hired hand for other one or what.

  I just wanted you to know that, Gin.”

  His speech startles me just for the sheer amount of words. I have never heard him speak so much before. But after the initial shock wears off and the true message really sinks in I jump up to hug him. He hugs me in return.

  “I don’t want to choose between you,” I say.

  Mister Jacob comes up behind us and wraps his arms around both of us in a tight hug. We are both startled by the sudden addition of Mister Jacob but gladly accept him into the hug.

  “I thought it would make it easier for everyone, but I guess I was wrong,” Mister Jacob admits.