To Be or Not To Be: The Actors

by Cathrine Goldstein

  “You’re Trevor Hughes. An actor. And a damned good one. Caspian Locke is just another character you play. You’re no more Caspian than you are Hamlet. You’re you, Trevor. Go do a production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; you’d make a spectacular Brick.”

  “I would?” Excitement surged through his veins.

  “Oh, good grief, yes. Go try it. Give yourself the chance to surprise you.” She leveled her eyes on him, her voice soft and heartfelt. “I understand being stuck, Trevor. I really do.” She raised her eyebrows, swallowing hard. “I know I haven’t known you for very long, but I really believe there’s more for you out there. Dare to—”

  “Dream?”

  “Yes.” Jenna sat back, spinning her empty coffee cup.

  Trevor sat quietly, her words running through his brain. No one had ever said anything like that to him. Before Jenna, no one had ever understood wanting more than Caspian Locke. Sometimes he felt so close to her he just wanted the rest of the world to disappear. He cleared his throat, regrouping. “By the way, I made some calls—I have a friend producing that new crime drama filming in New York—and anyway, I got Luis an audition. I think he’ll be magnificent.”

  “Oh my gosh, Trevor. Thank you. He will be perfect.” She beamed at him. “He must be so excited. And Kat, wow—she must be thrilled. Luis is a great guy, you know. Fought his way back from some dark stuff.”

  “He tells me you were a big part of his recovery.”

  Jenna waved him off. “Nah. I just gave him a place to crash when he needed it, and someone to talk to. It was so hard on him and Loretta. I’m so incredibly glad they made it. He’s been a great friend to me. They both have. I hope I can be as good a friend to them.”

  “Sounds like you are.”

  Jenna shrugged.

  “So what about you?” He nodded to her, smiling. “Have you always been serious, determined Jenna…? You ever do anything you shouldn’t?”

  Jenna rolled her eyes. Her whole face lit up as she laughed, turning away. She was stunningly beautiful. She covered her mouth with her hand and turned back. “I’ve never done anything I should, Trevor.”

  “What do you mean?” He sat forward, his elbows resting on the table, mesmerized.

  “Where do I start? I had a full ride to four different colleges, good schools, but I chose to come to the city to be an actor.”

  “A full ride?”

  “I had a perfect SAT score.” Jenna shrugged noncommittally and looked down. Her cheeks flushed.

  “Really?” He was more and more captivated by her.

  “Really. But I gave it all up for this.” She waved her hands around the coffee shop, smiling.

  “I take it your mother—”

  “Freaked. Yup. She’s still angry with me.”

  “Is she coming to see you play Ophelia?”

  Jenna leaned forward and rested her forehead in her hands. “It’s complicated.”

  “I’ve got time, and I know the boss in case you’re late for rehearsal tomorrow.” He grinned.

  “Oh ha, ha.” She sighed. “My mom and I, we don’t speak much, just a phone call here or there. She thinks if she comes to see me perform she’ll be agreeing with my choices.”

  Anger welled inside Trevor, but he forced it down.

  She focused on him, tearing at her napkin as she spoke. “Will Amanda be able to come?”

  “That’s the plan. She and Toby.” His body shifted toward Jenna as he spoke. “I’m looking forward to introducing Toby to everyone. To you.”

  She smiled, but his thoughts darkened.

  “That is, of course, assuming he’s feeling well enough to take the trip into the city.” His voice cracked the slightest bit, and his throat ached as he spoke.

  Jenna leaned forward and took Trevor’s hands in hers. She turned them over and let her thumbs caress the soft spot on the inside of his wrists. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

  “He’ll be fine, Trevor.”

  He opened his eyes, and she was smiling at him, her eyes glassy. He turned his wrists over, grasping her hands in his. She gasped.

  “I’m so glad you’re here, Jenna. This whole thing…” He tossed his head. “Don, the show, not knowing what’s going on with Toby, I wouldn’t want to have to face it all alone.”

  She cocked her head. “You’re not alone, Trevor. You have a girlfriend. We…uh…” She pulled her hands away. “Your feelings are just misplaced, because we’ve been spending a lot of time together for the sake of the show. We’re ready. You should probably go see Maggie. I’m sure she’s feeling neglected.”

  Jenna grabbed her bag and coat and slid to the edge of the booth. She stood, and Trevor reached out, taking her hand.

  “Trevor…” She pulled her hand away. “I’ll see you at rehearsal tomorrow.”

  She rushed out of the coffee shop, and Trevor stood, watching her go.

  ****

  Jenna knocked on his dressing room door. “Knock, knock. Can I come in?”

  He wheeled around, and she caught her breath. In his black shirt and black pants tailored perfectly to him—good grief…he was so smart, and talented, and handsome. They’d only seen each other in rehearsals since her awkward exit from the coffee shop that night, but something deep in her belly told her she couldn’t stay away any longer. She stepped inside his dressing room which looked very much like hers—large lighted mirror with two black leather chairs posed in front, clothing racks, and peeling paint on the windowsill. Although the theatre had been upgraded, they had never touched the dressing rooms during renovations. Most actors loved the feel of preparing in a room with so much history. On the far wall, a stack of posters advertising their show waited for his autograph.

  “Uh, happy opening night.” She waved a gift bag, with an opening night present tucked inside.

  “Jenna…” He came toward her like a starving man set before an all-you-can-eat buffet.

  She stepped back a tiny step just to keep steady and he looked her up and down.

  “You look gorgeous.”

  “Yeah?” She appraised her full gold gown, complete with bustle and corset for a cinched waist. The bodice had a brocade overlay. “The gown is gorgeous. I wasn’t sure I could do it justice.”

  “Oh, you can.”

  He smiled, and her fingertips tingled.

  As he stood there before her, tall, strong, powerful, she fought for coherent thought. He wasn’t saying a word, not moving a muscle, but his presence was crossing boundaries they had agreed wouldn’t be crossed. “I uh, the makeup artist told me you wanted me to leave in my nose ring. Really?”

  “Yeah, really.” He stepped closer.

  She gazed down at her gown again, struggling to keep calm. “Well, I like the mix of the traditional seventeenth century costumes with modern touches—like your costume. It’s cool.”

  “Good.” He was standing before her. “I like things that aren’t overt.”

  “Um, yeah.” Her stomach swirled with excitement. He was way too close. She gripped the gift bag tightly in her hand. “I…uh…” She tripped over her words.

  Trevor lifted his fingers to her lips, quieting her, and slowly, he ran his fingers across her perfectly painted smile. Without meaning to, she let her head move with his touch, and the tip of his forefinger parted her lips, her mouth opening. He dragged his moist finger back over her pout, her chest heaving up and down. His eyes were fixed on her, his brow furrowed.

  “Stop.” Jenna pulled back, scooting past him, making her way to the window that was cracked open. “We’re about to go onstage, and Maggie…”

  “Oh, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.” He stormed about, pacing. “I am so damned sick and tired of hearing about Maggie.”

  “Trevor.”

  Jenna walked to him, and his frenetic action stopped. She placed her hand on his chest, settling his breathing. “What’s going on with you? Are you nervous?”

  “No.” He scoffed and stepped back, settling by the window.

  “Th
en what?” She followed. “Trevor, whatever’s going on, you can talk to me. That’s what friends do, right?”

  “Friends, Jenna?” He raised his eyebrows. “I think you know I’d like you to be so much more than my friend.” He grabbed her hand and pulled it to his chest.

  She yanked her hand away. “Trevor. We can’t possibly get into this now—we’re minutes from going onstage…”

  “What if I were free from Maggie?”

  His words sat low, brewing in her gut. What if?

  She dropped her voice to a whisper. “There is no ‘what if’ about that, Trevor. You know that. So there’s no sense in asking. And you know that even if you were unattached, I still couldn’t be involved with you.”

  “Why the hell not?” His voice was loud and demanding.

  Jenna stood up taller. “I don’t know if this is some fucked up Method stuff you’re doing, but you’re acting like a jerk. I’m going to leave because we both have a lot riding on this show, and I don’t want to suck.” She glanced at the gift bag she was clenching in her hands. “Oh, here.” She pushed the bag against his chest. “Happy Opening-Night-slash-Valentine’s Day.”

  He grasped the bag as she turned to leave.

  “Jenna.” He took her by the forearm, and gently spun her around. “I’m sorry.” Trevor dropped his hand and leaned down to look at her. “I am nervous.”

  “The critics?” She pulled away, studying him.

  He shook his head and grabbed his cell off his table, waving it. “I learned a lifetime ago not to care what people think of me. Critics don’t matter. I haven’t heard from Amanda. She texted me to say they were fine but not able to make it.”

  “You think something’s wrong?”

  “I know it.” He stood up, running his hand through his perfectly messed up hair. “The expression, ‘no news is good news’ doesn’t apply with them. No news means she’s waiting to tell me bad news until after the show is over.”

  “She said they were fine. You don’t know that.”

  “Don’t I?” He raised his eyebrows.

  Her stomach clenched in the way it did whenever she found out Olivia was working rather than studying.

  “Trevor.” Jenna placed her hand on his, holding it. “Whatever it is, you will handle it when the show is over. I’m certain of it. But right now, you need to focus on Hamlet.”

  “It seems so unimportant compared…”

  “Of course it does. But you know she’d tell you if it were an emergency. So you’ve got to do this show. It’s just a couple of hours and then you can get to Amanda and Toby. In the meantime, do it for Don. He would be so proud.”

  Trevor nodded. “When I went to talk to Don about Hamlet, he was incredibly supportive, told me it was ‘high time’ I got back on a stage.”

  “He was right.” Jenna smiled.

  “Maybe.” Trevor looked off. “But now…tonight…especially since Don’s passed…”

  “You feel like if you mess up, you’re dragging him down with you. Because you’re the last of his legacy.”

  “Yes.” Trevor nodded. “I have to be good—to honor Don.”

  “You are good.” Jenna put both of her small warm hands on Trevor’s wide chest. She fiddled nervously with the buttons of his black shirt. “Honestly, you’re more than good. You’re really wonderful.”

  He inhaled deeply as she continued.

  “I understand, Trevor. I promised my dad, on his deathbed, I would be a success.”

  Trevor’s gaze met Jenna’s, steadily. “You are.”

  Jenna shook her head, looking down at her feet as she spoke. “I never told you my dad was an actor. But he gave it up when I came along.” She looked up at him, her eyes softening. “He even had some speaking roles on a couple of New York soaps.”

  “Really?”

  Jenna nodded. “I think all we can do is our very best. We focus on what we have to focus on first—the show. So we go out there and be there for each other just like Don told us to. And if we flop, we flop together. And we go do dinner theatre in some tiny town, somewhere.”

  Trevor laughed out loud. If felt so good to see the worry leave his face, even for a moment.

  “Oh…speaking of dinner theatre, you should open that.” She nodded to the gift bag still in his hand.

  “I can’t believe you got me a gift.”

  Her cheeks heated. “You’d better be careful opening it.”

  Trevor pulled a tiny plastic box from the bag and opened it carefully. He peeked inside, his head moving away when he caught the scent. “Sauerkraut? Really?”

  A grin spread across her face. “I thought if you needed a boost tonight, you could come in and take a whiff and you’d be transported right back to our rehearsal theatre.”

  He reached out and placed his hand on her cheek, stroking it gently. His gaze danced across hers.

  “I, uh…” Her tummy rumbled with excitement.

  “Thank you, Jenna. For all of it.” He pulled back, letting his hand drop to his side. He walked to the clothing rack in the back of the room, dropped the sauerkraut, and dug a small pink box from his leather bag. “Here. I wanted it to be so much more but this just felt right.”

  Jenna took the box with trembling hands. She gave it a slight shake, listening to it rattle. “What is it?”

  “Open it.”

  Jenna’s heart raced as she tugged at the ribbon and lifted the top off the box. Inside were a hundred pink candy turtles—all stamped with the word “Dream.”

  She looked up at him, her eyes aching from tears. “How did you?”

  “I know you’d want your father here tonight. And I know he’d want you to dream big, because that’s what I want for you.”

  “Trevor, I…” Jenna threw her arms around his neck and held him, tightly, her gown bunching between them. When she broke away, she was inches from him.

  “Perchance to dream, Jenna.”

  She smiled, biting the corner of her lip, exactly where his fingers had been only moments before. He reached up to touch her hair.

  “Careful of the wig,” she joked.

  “And with that sugar addiction of yours, I figured Valentine’s Day candy was a given.”

  “Oh, you know me so well, Mr. Hughes.” Jenna fanned herself coquettishly.

  He smiled. Trevor tossed the container aside and scooped Jenna into his arms. He held her tight.

  “It feels like the nunnery scene.” Jenna’s voice was soft and breathy.

  “Yes, but does this happen in the nunnery scene?” Trevor pulled her closer to him, and his lips nearly brushed against hers.

  “Maybe it should?”

  “Are you telling me…?” Trevor studied her, his gaze locked on hers. “You want me to—?”

  The stage manager stuck his head through the door. “Hamlet? Ophelia? Places, please.”

  Her body ached as he released her.

  “Damn it.” Trevor shook his head, jumping up and down in place. He stopped and smiled at Jenna, taking her hand and kissing it, before letting go. “Here we go.”

  “Break a leg, Trevor.” She smiled at him, adrenaline rushing through her.

  “You too, Jenna.”

  She made her way to the door and turned back. “Trevor? Here’s to not sucking and having to do dinner theatre in the middle of nowhere.”

  Chuckling, Trevor tossed his head back and Jenna scooted out the door.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Hey, Trevor, nice job.”

  “Thanks, man.” Trevor stood in the hallway of the dressing rooms, shaking hands with Guildenstern—quickly. “You too.” He peered around his friend and into the men’s dressing room to see a few more members of his cast. “Everyone, really nice job.” He knocked against the door for luck and rushed past, hustling down the hallway to get to Jenna. He nearly knocked over poor Christina on his way. “Oh, Christina, I’m sorry.” He held out his hands, steadying her.

  She laughed. “Not a problem. Wonderful performance, Trevor.” She
embraced him.

  “You, too.” He let her go too soon, moving past her.

  “Going somewhere in a hurry?” She raised her eyebrows, smiling at him.

  Trevor waved, rushing onward to Jenna’s dressing room. Even from a few yards away he could see her door was open. Yes. He jogged up to the door, knocking on the frame.

  As soon as she saw him standing there, she ran to him and jumped into his arms. He lifted her off the ground and spun her around.

  “You were awesome,” he whispered, placing her down.

  She smacked him on the shoulder, playfully. Her eyes sparkled and she was downright giddy.

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you. I saw your mad scenes. Holy crap. Nice job.”

  “You watched?”

  Trevor shrugged. “When I could. When I wasn’t otherwise engaged.”

  “With one of the largest speaking roles ever written?”

  “Yeah, that.”

  “You were magic, Trevor. Really, honestly. I don’t know how you do it.” She beamed at him.

  “Great look for you, by the way.” Trevor nodded to Jenna’s filthy, ripped gown and matted, tousled hair. How funny, for so long he had fantasized about ripping her clothes off of her and messing up her gorgeous, soft flowing hair. All it took to get her there was madness, and a crowd of a few hundred people.

  “You like?” She ran her hand up over her wig. “I did just drown you know.” Jenna began removing pins from her wig. “And I’ve got to say, you look pretty good for a guy who was just killed with a poisoned rapier.”

  “Thank you very much.”

  She yanked off her wig, letting her own beautiful hair fall free. Her brow furrowed, her expression growing serious. “Anything from Amanda?”

  “Un-uh. I just texted her to tell her we were through.”

  “It’ll be okay; I’m sure it’s just—”

  “Knock, knock.” Larry rapped and entered. He turned to Trevor. “I thought I might find you here.” He smirked. “Anyway, nice job you two.” Larry hugged Trevor and Jenna. “Great work. First reviews are in.”

  “No,” Jenna wailed, backing away.

  “Don’t want them, Larry.” Trevor turned away as Christina and a few other cast members walked in, carrying glasses of champagne.