To Be or Not To Be: The Actors

by Cathrine Goldstein

  ****

  He didn’t come to her dressing room before the show. Actually, the first time all day she saw him was onstage. He was there, fully present and magic to play off, but when the show ended, he disappeared.

  Panic swirled inside Jenna as she stripped out of her Ophelia costume and hurried into her street clothes. Faster and faster she rushed, terrified she would miss him and he would be gone. Unreachable. Ungettable. Leaving on her stage makeup, she sprinted to his dressing room. His door was open and he stood inside with his back to her. Jenna sighed with relief, lingering outside his door. His gaze caught hers in the mirror.

  “Hello, Jenna.”

  “Hi, Trevor.” She rolled her shoulder forward, leaning against the doorway, her body aching to be with him. “I was, uh, hoping…could we talk?”

  “What about?” He turned to her, his voice cold.

  “About last night.” She pushed off the doorway and shuffled from foot to foot. “Um, can I come in?”

  Trevor shrugged. “Of course.”

  As she entered his dressing room, her heart raced. She had never before felt quite this invested. She wiped her clammy hands on her jeans, as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Yanking it off his body, he fixed his gaze on her. Her breath hitched at the sight of him, so strong and powerful. She looked at his tattoo and her fingers tingled, aching to touch it. Aching to touch him.

  Trevor mopped up his sweat with the shirt. “So? Let’s talk.” Tossing it aside, he stood there bare-chested.

  “I uh…”

  Cast members walked by Trevor’s dressing room, but her focus never veered from him. She cleared her throat. “Could we go talk somewhere? Maybe? I just got paid. Buy you some cherry pie?” She bit her lip, praying her banter might work.

  “No, thank you.” Trevor crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back against the shelf of the dressing mirror.

  She nodded. “Oh, uh, okay. Well, first off, I want to say thank you. You took care of me last night, and although I don’t remember all of it, I know you brought me home. And got me painkillers and food. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He didn’t move from his spot.

  “Trevor.” Jenna looked up at him, her eyes pleading. “Please. Please tell me how to fix this.”

  “How to fix what, Jenna?”

  “Us.” Her breathing grew faster and faster as she fought back tears.

  “Is there an ‘us’? Because last night, you very clearly told me there was no hope for anything.”

  “I know.” Jenna nodded, looking down at her feet. “But Trevor…” She gazed up at him. “Today, thinking you were gone, the thought of being without you…” Her words fell away.

  Trevor sighed deeply. He pulled a chair from his dressing table and placed it next to her, nodding at it. She sat. He resumed his spot, leaning against the shelf. “Jenna, more than anything, I want there to be a you and me. But I’m not sure there can be.”

  She gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “I told you, you wouldn’t like it when you learned the truth. I knew you would hate the fact that I was a donor.”

  “No, that’s not it at all. I just wasn’t expecting it. But that doesn’t bother me, unless you feel forced into it.”

  “Of course I’m forced into it. Why else would I do it? But if that’s not it, then what? Is it because I screwed up last night? Getting drunk?”

  “Of course not. Everyone makes mistakes. The only thing I’m worried about is your safety.”

  She swallowed hard.

  “But Jenna, I’ve never done anything halfway in my life, and I sure as hell don’t plan to start with you. I want to be with you, but if we’re together, we do it for real. And that means there are rules to follow.”

  Jenna’s heart thumped so hard she felt it in her ears. “Rules?”

  “Yes, rules. I can’t play games. But I understand you’re twenty-two, so maybe, as much as I want you to be, you’re just not ready.”

  “Trevor, I am ready. I—I don’t know how to do it, but I want to be with you. Last night, without you…waking up today, thinking I lost you…please, Trevor. Let’s try to fix this.”

  He nodded. “Then we need groundwork. And the first rule is, we talk. Always. I know you’re young and I know you’re passionate. I would never want to change that. And I’m certain there’s a lifetime of arguments ahead of us, but no more running away. Ever. We talk like two adults and we work through our problems. Understood?”

  She nodded.

  “Good. Next, when it comes to your safety, I win. Every time. All the time.”

  “I—”

  “Jenna?”

  He moved closer to her, and her breath hitched.

  “Yes.”

  “Next time you want to go on a drunken karaoke binge, I come along.” He raised his eyebrows. “Got it?”

  She nodded. “Yes. But there won’t be any drinking for me for a while.”

  “Damn right there won’t be.”

  Jenna opened her lips but no words came out. Heat overtook her cheeks as she closed her mouth, her eyes wide. He reached out, took her arm and gently pulled her to her feet, backing her against the wall. Her chest heaved in time with her breath as he towered over her, shirtless, and so incredibly sexy.

  “Jenna, just as I don’t want to change you, you can’t change me. I am a man. And I’m not entirely sure you know what that means. But I am stronger, and more successful, and if we do this, we do it for real. You cannot ask me to stand by while you donate your eggs to get money, or starve, or put yourself in harm’s way. I won’t do it. If we do this, we make a life together. My money is yours, and we make smart, educated decisions, together.”

  “Trevor, I—”

  “I’m not done. You never risk your health, either. Without mentioning your name, I called the clinic.”

  “What?” Jenna rocked forward, his energy holding her against the wall. “How did you find the right one?”

  “Loretta went back to your apartment last night. She still had keys, thankfully. She found the fertility drugs and we got the name of the doctor. Anyway, although I’m not thrilled you went on a drinking binge last night,”—Trevor raised his eyebrows—“you will be fine. But Jenna, I’m going to tell you this right now, if we are together, I won’t let you donate.”

  He leaned forward, and heat radiated between them.

  “So you need to decide now. Jenna, do you want to leave me?”

  Her breathing grew shallower, her body warming. A vein pulsed in his temple. “No, Trevor. Of course I don’t want to leave you. But I need the money. I still have to make sure my mother and sister have enough. I don’t want my sister working in the laundry business.”

  “Didn’t you hear what I just said? My money is yours.”

  “But you take care of Amanda and Toby, and there’s no way I’ll let that be affected by me. No way, Trevor.”

  “I appreciate you worrying about them and I promise it won’t. Jenna. You will have more money than you’ll ever need.”

  She shook her head. “But you’re sick of being Caspian. I can’t let you keep going—”

  He closed his eyes then slowly opened them. “There isn’t a choice here, baby. I’ll do what I need to do, and who knows, maybe in a few years you’ll be established, and I can produce or run my theatre. But for right now, I’ll take care of everything.”

  “But—”

  “Everything, Jenna.”

  She closed her eyes and leaned toward him. Opening them, she swallowed, her voice a whisper. “But what I’ve done…”

  “Donating? You haven’t done anything wrong, Jenna. On the contrary, what you did was to give someone else a chance at a life they couldn’t have otherwise. But how you feel about it, that’s what we can work on. We’ll get you someone to talk to if that’s what you need. And we’ll handle worrying about our kids when we get there.”

  She smiled, her insides warming.

  “But you can’t plan to spend the rest of
your life alone because you were an egg donor. It’s not reasonable.”

  “I know.”

  “And it’s an incredibly lonely existence.”

  “Yes.”

  “So no more ‘friend’ talk, and this can’t be some casual fling. If you’re with me, you’re with me—for real. As my girlfriend.” He reached out and stroked her hair. “Jenna, on the day I met you, something changed in me. I remembered what it was like to be an actor, not just some shiny character on TV. You made me want more for myself.”

  “Trevor—”

  “Shh. Please. Let me finish.” He smiled. “Then I realized it was way more than that. You reminded me what it was like to be alive and have passion. My feelings toward you grow more and more, every minute we’re together. And I ache those times we’re apart. Then I realized it wasn’t about me or my feelings, at all. All those things you did for me, they’re great, but what really mattered to me was you. I wanted you to be happy. And then last night, when you disappeared and I thought…” He ran a hand through his hair. “I thought something bad had happened to you…Jenna, your dad…”

  “My dad?” Jenna cocked her head, fighting to understand.

  “Did your dad ever tell you he gave up on his dream?”

  “No, but—”

  “No ‘buts.’ Did he ever say he gave up his dream because of you?”

  “No.” Jenna shook her head. “But Trevor, no one moves from New York City to a hick town upstate by choice. No one gives up an acting career to open a laundry business, because they want to.”

  “That’s the funny thing about dreams, Jen. They change. Believe me.” He smiled, reaching out to stroke her hair. “I don’t think your dad gave up on his dream. I think you were his dream come true. All I want is to be with you and make all your dreams come true.” His hand came to rest on her cheek. She closed her eyes. “But you have to trust me, Jenna.”

  “I do.”

  He smiled, and his hands dropped down to her waist. He pushed her tighter against the wall. “Jenna, I don’t think you understand the depth of my feelings for you.” He slipped his hands into her t-shirt, resting them on the warm skin of her back. She shivered with his touch. He leaned forward, kissing her lightly on the lips, and pulled back. “You’re still in trouble for last night.” A grin spread across his face. “But we’ll handle that when we get home.”

  “Home?” She tilted her head.

  “Yes, home. To my place. I just have to figure out how to get you moved in, considering your complete aversion to money.”

  “What?”

  Trevor leaned forward again and touched his forehead to hers. “You heard me.” His voice was low and breathy. “You can paint, redecorate, whatever you want. But be with me. And if I still haven’t convinced you we can live your grunge lifestyle with money, well then, we’ll move into your place.”

  She giggled.

  “So what do you say?” He looked into her eyes as he leaned against her.

  Jenna couldn’t contain her smile. “Let me think…” She tapped her finger against her chin. “What’s the word you so eloquently used all that time ago? At my audition? Oh, yes, I think that would be ‘awesome.’ ”

  “Oh, you little brat.”

  Jenna slipped out from his grasp and bounced away.

  “You’d better hope I don’t catch you.”

  It only took a few steps for him to grab Jenna. She squealed as he pinned her to the wall again. He rested his forearms along the wall, framing her body. She rocked back and forth in the protective nest his arms and torso made for her. “I want you…” His voice was hot against the nape of her neck. “So much. Right now.” Stooping, Trevor pressed against her, his bare chest hard against her breasts. Her eyes half closed. He planted a soft kiss on her neck, and she moaned.

  “Trevor?”

  “Yes, baby?” He pulled back.

  “Do you think I’ll be letting someone down? Someone who was waiting for me to be a donor?”

  “I knew you’d be worried about that so I did some quick research and it seems it happens all the time. Someone else will donate in your place if you say no. Unless, of course…you want to do it?”

  She shook her head. “No, Trevor. I never did.”

  “Then it’s settled.”

  She flushed, smiling at him.

  “My God, you are so beautiful and so talented.” He kissed her on the nose.

  “Mmm…”

  “And so smart.” He kissed her gently on the lips.

  “And so lucky,” she added. “I am incredibly lucky to be with you, Trevor. And not just because you’re gorgeous and successful, but because you’re a really great guy. Thank you.”

  He smiled. “You’re one other thing, too.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Loved. I’m in love with you, Jenna Joyce. I have never said ‘I love you’ to another living soul. And I’ve wanted to tell you that for a long time. I love you.”

  He leaned down and kissed her full on the mouth.

  “I love you too, Trevor.” Jenna placed her hands on his chest. “So we’re really going to give this a try?”

  “No.” Trevor pushed himself back, his finger tracing her cheek. “We’re not going to try, Jenna; we’re going to do. This isn’t an improv. I wrote the script and I like it so we’re going to follow it. It just took me longer than I planned to get you to act two.”

  “What’s act two?”

  “When you’re finally my girlfriend.” He softly kissed her again and leaned against her in just the right way. “And then, when you’re ready, we’ll take some even bigger steps together. Okay?”

  “Okay.” She closed her eyes. “Trevor?”

  “Mm, baby?” He eased his hands up inside her t-shirt.

  “What’s act three, then?” She gasped as he pulled her closer.

  His hands drifted downward, wrapping around her. “They lived happily ever after, of course.”

  Epilogue

  Four years later

  The grass tickled Jenna’s legs as she sat on the hillside, looking out over the mountains of upstate New York. She held the baby close, nuzzling him, his full, black, curly hair tickling her chin. She bounced him in her lap but he wouldn’t stop crying.

  Trevor joined them. “Want me to try?”

  “Be my guest.” She handed the baby to Trevor. His arms flexed as he took the baby. Wow. As good as he always looked, he looked even better holding a baby. Jenna shook her head. “Loretta said he had her up most of the night. Teething.”

  Trevor held the baby from him, bouncing him as he spoke. “Hey, little man. Hey, Luis Jr.”

  The baby shrieked louder, and Trevor frowned.

  Jenna giggled. “I think he wants Loretta or his dad. Is Luis in rehearsal?”

  “Yeah.” Trevor moved the baby into a different position but he continued to cry. “I don’t want to disturb Luis. He opens in a week. And poor Loretta’s getting a much needed nap.”

  “We’ll handle it, then.”

  Luis Jr. calmed a bit as Trevor drew the baby to his chest. Jenna smiled, understanding the baby’s reaction. She leaned back, tilting her head and looked lovingly at Trevor. “Ever look at us and wonder how we got here?”

  “I know how we got here.” Trevor held the baby up and made a funny face at him. “I chased you until you gave in.”

  “Ha.” Jenna clicked her tongue and looked away. “But just a few years ago everything was so different. And now we’ve been married for three years and you left Caspian and produce full time. We run a thriving summer theatre in upstate New York. Olivia’s away at a good school and my mom is happier, and thank God, Amanda and Toby are okay—I mean, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. And more.”

  Trevor looked at her. “How many times do I have to tell you, Jen? If you just give me a chance, I will make your every dream come true.” He took her hand and kissed it.

  “Well there’s one more wish I’ve been thinking about.”

  “A new
role?” Trevor raised his eyebrows.

  “Yup.” Jenna bit her lip, playfully.

  Trevor bounced the baby. “Well, Luis has the house sold out for the rest of the summer. I’m thinking we should extend him main stage. Oh, and has Kat given you dates yet on the sci-fi sequel? Who knew my little theatre geek would become a bona fide movie star?”

  “I’d hardly call me a star.”

  “I would. So do you have dates?”

  “Kind of…we’re not going into production until next year.”

  “Really?” Trevor pulled his attention away from Luis Jr. and looked at Jenna.

  “She has an indie for me. I want you to read the script of course, but we’d start filming in LA immediately and Kat said I’ll be done in two months.”

  “Nice. We’ll leave for LA next week? Once Luis is set?” The baby fussed, and Trevor rocked him again.

  “That’s fine.” Jenna gazed out over the mountains. “Although I hate leaving here. There is something just magical about this place.”

  “Yes.” Trevor gazed at her.

  “So I was thinking…” Jenna drew her legs up under her, running her hands along the grass.

  “The role?” Trevor lifted the baby, making him laugh. “That’s you, Jen, trying to schedule a show before you take off to film another movie. So what are you thinking?”

  “I was thinking, maybe…Stella?”

  “Really?” Trevor turned to her, wrinkling his brow. “Streetcar?”

  “Feel like playing Stanley? You’d be spectacular.”

  She took the baby back and rocked him. Trevor smiled at her and Jenna’s heart melted.

  “You think you’re ready for Stella?”

  Trevor ran his hand up through his hair and Jenna recognized that look of serious concentration.

  “I think I’d better be.”

  “Okay, but we’ll need—”

  Jenna took Trevor’s hand to quiet him. “I’m ready now.”

  Trevor looked at her sideways. He shifted on the grass, balancing his arms on his knees, and sucked in a huge breath of the fresh upstate air. “I’m not sure I understand, Jen. I get the distinct feeling you’re not just talking about a show.”