Big Green Country

by Frances Rivetti

  What was the sense in hiding out and putting off my facing reality? I had a brand new human being to consider. I’m putting it out there and saying out loud for the world to hear, I know it sounds crazy, but I have never felt anything but love for this little guy from the first. Thing is, I know deep down inside that he isn’t really mine. I don’t deserve him and if I can’t yet take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of him after he’s born? It’s hard to explain without sounding like I don’t want him. I do, I want something way better for him. After that day in the doctor’s office when I saw him for the first time, I’ve thought of nothing else.

  One evening, after dinner when the dishes were washed and stacked to dry and the other girls had left the table to shower and tend to their evening activities, reading, drawing, writing, I made up my mind. I’d been thinking about it for days and I finally decided on it. I sat myself by the fireside with Kate and Jo as we warmed ourselves by the flickering flames.

  “I’ve thought about it and what I want is to give you two my baby,” I said, straight out, unblinking, no point in my beating around the bush. I turned first to Kate and then to Jo. “If you’ll take him.” It all made perfect sense.

  “Mia,” Jo gasped, sitting back in her chair, her eyes widening. “My goodness, sweetie, that’s a mighty big decision to be making all on your own.”

  I told them I had thought of little else. “Let’s face it,” I said. “I’m a kid. He’s a kid, there’s no way for me to raise him like he deserves. I want this. I was pretty sure you’d want this, too.”

  In my mind, it was meant to be. Why else had I landed here like this? This baby was meant to come their way. They deserved to be parents. Kate had said they wanted kids. I couldn’t think of any two people more worthy.

  Fat tears welled in Jo’s eyes. Kate held herself very still, lightly gripping the arms of her chair. She was keeping it together as best she could. “There’s no need to make such a hasty plan, Mia,” she said, reaching out for my arm. “We’re honored, of course, but honey, you have a family, it would be wrong for us to take this any further right now. You’ll want to talk it over with your mom when you’re ready.”

  Jo nodded. She stood, walked over and stroked my back, gently. “There’s plenty of time to figure things out with regard to the baby Mia,” she said. “You’ll be surprised at how you feel when you see him. Best not make promises you might not be able to keep.”

  My boy, I daydream of him as a tiny newborn and a toddler and later, after he starts kindergarten, decked out in a set of Little League clothes. I fell asleep that night picturing what he’ll look like when I meet him for the first time, his face, his eyes, his hair, his small, chubby hands and tiny little feet.

  I’ll be 19 when he’s born. I’m way too young and clueless for all of this and I’m an only child with zero experience of kids. My mom would most likely take us in if I asked but who am I to do that to her after what she’s been through?

  Heck, I had no idea if she was even through with her cancer treatments. No, it was time to let them tell her I was safe and when I’m ready, I’ll tell my mom the whole truth, face to face, starting with how I’ve found the perfect parents for my boy.

  The next afternoon I walked in from the cold of the winter garden for a sit-down with a mug of tea and a granola bar in the warmth of the kitchen. I heard Jo and Kate taking a group phone call in the next room. It was a community elder in their network.

  “I’ve been asked to confirm your whereabouts, Mia, to verify that you are safe,” Jo announced after the two of them found me sitting in the kitchen, listening to their end of the conversation. “Your family deserves to be informed, if you give your permission. We think it’s time.”

  “You’re under no obligation to see anyone in person, Mia,” Kate assured me. “Not until you decide you are ready. Your aunt Maggie has been up in the redwoods searching for you. The sheriff’s department is looking for you. And, what’s more, your aunt has good news of Jazmin, Mia — she wants you to know that she’s spoken to her, Jazmin is safe and well and desperate to know that you are too.”

  My heart folded inwards, flipped upside down, inside out. I thought I was going to throw up, pass out. I held on to the edge of the table and closed my eyes to steady myself. Jo sat down beside me: “Your aunt is here in Humboldt, Mia, she’s waiting to hear that you’re OK.”

  I thought I’d puke for sure, but I didn’t. My head raced with thoughts of Jazmin. I’d barely dared hold on to the smallest hope these few past few weeks, but in my heart I had known all along that she would figure it out. Sweet, tough, badass Jazmin — after all we’d been through, she and me both, it was over and we’d gotten out.

  I was euphoric. First time in my life I have cause to use a big, powerful word to describe my own darn feelings. I shook and cried and shook and cried some more. Kate sat beside me, holding my hand. “This is good, Mia,” she said, over and over. “Let it out, honey, let it out.”

  Next thing that filled my mind after a sense of overwhelming relief started to sink in was a mix of surprise and confusion in that it was Maggie who was up here in the redwoods looking for me and not my mom.

  “My aunt barely had anything to do with me growing up,” I explained.

  “People change, circumstances change,” Kate replied. “In my experience, an aunt generally makes for a good, solid buffer between a young woman and her mother. I’ll bet she’s a smart one with plenty of wisdom to share.”

  “I’m not going back to the ranch,” I declared, gripping Kate’s arm. “What if she tries to make me leave with her?”

  “No one is suggesting that so soon,” Jo assured me. “Maggie will see how well you are doing here. And, you are an adult, Mia, you get to choose what happens next.”

  “Does she know about the baby?” I asked, suddenly feeling weighted down by the prospect of being judged. I was nervous, scared.

  “Not yet. That’s for you to talk about, together, in person.” Jo replied.

  I’d gotten used to opening up and wearing my heart on my sleeve around these two. They’d gone about it in all the right ways, Kate asking me little things about my home life as we worked side by side tending the winter garden. We’d covered a whole load of ground in our chats while we were out there getting our hands dirty, digging onions, trimming kale and winter cabbage in the cool, moist air.

  We’d talked about my mom getting sick, how I felt about it, even so far as to why it was I felt that way. No one had ever asked me what it meant to me. I told her how I had lost what little interest I had in school.

  “Anyway, what incentive did I have for even thinking of getting into a four-year school?” Nobody gave a shit if I did well in class. “There was no talk of going on with school and no way to get there or to pay for it,” I said.

  “Truth is, I felt ambushed.”

  I was mad with my mom and with Bobby and Kate heard a whole lot more about it.

  “Please don’t tell anyone I told you this,” I said. “I did something stupid at the end. It’s so embarrassing. It was plain dumb and worse still, mean.”

  “What did you do, Mia? It’s OK to tell me, that’s what I’m here for,” Kate stopped digging and laid her shovel on the ground. She touched my arm, reassuringly.

  “Looking back on it, I was mad as hell at my mom for making our lives miserable,” I confessed. “I know that’s a terrible thing to admit, but it’s true. It was immature and selfish. Still, I don’t know what came over me that one night last summer. I guess it was attention I was after, any would do. I just wanted someone to notice me for once.”

  “Attention from your stepdad?” Kate asked.

  “Please don’t pass judgment,” I replied, nodding, my face turning red despite the cold. “He’s not technically my stepdad. Anyway, I did it to hurt her, my mom, I guess. I sort of hit on him, I suppose . . . it was a total shithead move.”

  “How did he react?”

  “He pushed me away like the stupid ass
hole kid I was. It was late. My mom was in bed, upstairs. It was hot for once, one of the few nights of the year when it was too warm for wearing nightclothes.”

  I explained how I had stepped out of the shower just minutes before Bobby returned from working the evening shift at the roadhouse.

  “My hair was wet and it needed to dry. I was lonely, bored out of my brain and I’d taken a hit of one of my mom’s doobies she’d left laying around. I don’t know why, as I fucking hate the way weed makes me feel, like I’m not in control of myself. Jazmin and me were the only ones who weren’t lit all last summer. Anyways, I was sprawled out on the couch with a towel wrapped around me, stoned, music blasting from my mom’s record player.”

  Bobby had been earlier than usual in coming home from work. It wasn’t premeditated on my part.

  “He stood in the doorway. I watched him watching me. It went on a second or two longer than it ought have. He never said a word.” I remember how sad and tired he looked.

  “I could tell he was all flustered by my flaunting myself like that, half naked. I acted on some dumb ass, stoner impulse is all I can say.”

  A woodpecker flew into the bird feeding station across from us, Kate’s face expressionless as I told my torrid tale. I watched the woodpecker as it pecked around for seed. We try our best to encourage insectivorous birds into the garden here to help keep the grubs and bugs at bay.

  “I slid off the couch, stood and the towel dropped,” I said, cringing at the thought of it. “Honest to God, I never thought it through, never planned it or nothing. I just stood there, waiting to see what he would do. It disgusts me to think, the first guy to see me like that was my own mother’s boyfriend.”

  “What happened next, Mia?” Kate asked.

  “I walked over to him as he stood there frozen in the shadow of the doorway. I threw my arms around his neck and pressed myself against him. I’ve tried to blank that part out these past few months, but it won’t go away.”

  Bobby never did an intentional mean thing to my mom or me.

  “The look in his eyes,” I remembered. “Shock, confusion, disappointment. He turned me around by the shoulders and shoved me away from him. I slipped and hit the floor. He walked over to where I’d dropped the towel, picked it up and threw it on top of me. I’d best not ever make a move like that again, he said, or I’d break my mother’s heart.”

  Without another word, he legged it up the stairs. I knew full well he’d not tell my mom what a fucked-up kid she had. I left the ranch the following week.

  That’s when Jo said: “There’s something else you need to know, Mia, “We’d planned on waiting for your aunt to break the sad news, but I think it’s time for me to talk to you about what she’s told us with regards to Bobby . . .”

  Chapter 29

  Maggie

  Kate greeted me in the driveway, minutes before Mia came to the door. She gave me a funny look as if to say I was not how Mia had likely described me. I was not the wannabe San Francisco socialite she’d probably expected to show up. I’d tucked one of Marcus’ plaid flannel shirts into my jeans and my face was devoid of any trace of makeup that would’ve certainly helped perk up my appearance after my unfortunate drinking binge the night before. A little woodpecker had been tapping inside my brain since I’d awoken that morning.

  I sensed an unexpected camaraderie, some warmth and humility in this stranger’s first embrace and I began to get an idea the kind of vital lifeline I would be expected to provide for Mia to be able to move forward and reconnect with her past.

  “It’s best to curb the emotions in circumstances such as these,” Kate urged, shaking hands in greeting.

  Mia, now almost nineteen, was certainly not the same girl I’d last seen from the photo in Lori’s files. She was wearing baggy overalls and work boots. Jo, I learned, had done her best to shape and tidy her hair. She was much changed, a schoolgirl no more and what was most apparent was that she was clearly with child.

  “Oh God,” I asked myself. “Where’s the good aunt instruction manual when I need it?”

  “Come on in, Auntie Maggie,” Mia kept her distance, avoiding my eyes as well as any physical contact as she motioned for me to meet Jo. I shook hands again and the four of us walked on into the kitchen where mugs and a plate of chocolate chip cookies sat waiting on the table.

  “Mia baked these herself earlier this morning,” Kate said.

  I sat stiffly beside Kate as Mia set about making tea. Kate took my hand in hers: “We’re so pleased you’re here,” she said, breaking the awkward silence. Mia nervously handed out mugs of tea, sloshing a few drops onto the polished tabletop. I shook out a cloth napkin from a neat pile and soaked up the spill.

  “Why don’t you sit across from us, Mia, next to Jo?” Kate suggested, “That way your aunt may see how well you are.”

  “Are those my earrings?” Mia asked. I reached for the small, hammered silver hoops in my ears.

  “Oh yes, I clear forgot about these. I hope you don’t mind, Mia, I stayed in your room at the ranch for a couple of nights. I switched them out for some silly diamond studs for safekeeping. You can have them back, now, if you’d like.” I raised my hand in a motion to remove the hoop from my right ear.

  “No, you keep them,” Mia said, her ears were bare. She wore no jewelry that I could see.

  “I’ve lost count of how many ‘family reunions’ we’ve presided over at this kitchen table in the years we’ve run Grace Place,” Jo said, breezily. Hardly what I’d describe as joyful experiences I thought to myself, smiling politely, though any willing reconciliation must have its positive aspects.

  Another sliver of silence passed as Mia pushed her chair from the table, placing just enough distance between us to prevent my reaching over to take her hands. Despite Kate having asked me to keep our reunion as low-key as possible, I couldn’t help myself. I proceeded to deliver a bungled “thank God you’re alive” roughly pre-rehearsed speech that didn’t quite come out the way I’d planned.

  Mia balked. I burst into tears. I was the one who was the bigger mess. Kate slid a box of tissues around the table.

  “Oh God, I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ll stop. I know that me showing up and bawling is the last thing you need. It’s just that it’s been such a relief, Mia, I can’t tell you. Your mom and me, we’ve been beside ourselves.”

  “It’s okay Maggie.” Mia said, dropping the auntie bit. All she really wanted was to hear news of Jazmin, how she had managed to get away from her captors, where she was. “I have to see her, Maggie,” she begged. They had shared the same trauma. It was cruel for the authorities on Jazmin’s side to delay their reunion.

  “She’s in a safe place, like you, though it’s more recent for her than it is for you, Mia. It took her longer than you to get to safety it appears and it’s a different sort of set up than this,” I tried my best to reassure her that a phone call was in the works. They would see one another as soon as it was deemed possible. “The important thing is that she is out of danger, you both are,” I said, my hands spread out on the table before me. “Unfortunately, Jazmin is not allowed to leave her location until her state-appointed attorney is able to sort out the legal proceedings,” I explained. “Very soon, the two of you will be able to speak in private, by phone.”

  My eyes rested on Mia’s protruding belly, fully evident despite her baggy overalls.

  “As you can see, I have something to tell you, too” Mia said, placing her hands protectively across her midriff. “It’s a boy. Don’t go getting ahead of yourself, Maggie, telling Mom. I’m not keeping him. What I want is for Kate and Jo to adopt him.”

  I shot up onto my feet running my hands through my hair, my stomach flipped at Mia’s additional news like I was the one who was expecting. I glared at Jo before shooting an accusing look at Kate.

  “What is this?” I demanded, my eyes narrowing. “A baby racket? Sounds like a done deal? She has a family, you know. Mia has me and she has her mother, she’s in no way
destitute.” Kate sat me down and assured me that nothing had been decided.

  Mia raised her voice: “This was my idea and one I’ve come to on my own, Maggie, I don’t see how it is any of your business, anyway.”

  Jo jumped in to calm things down. “In all honesty, we’re amenable to making this one of Mia’s options,” she explained, “though we’ve absolutely no intention of pressuring her into making any decision concerning her baby’s future until after he’s born and after she’s had time to discuss the situation thoroughly with her mother.”

  Kate spoke up, gently backing up her partner, insistent that there would be plenty of time for Mia and her mother to visit, to talk and to listen as she makes up her mind as to what is best both for her baby and for herself.

  “Your niece is in a safe place here, Maggie,” Jo explained, kindly, but firmly, reestablishing the ground rules, I wagered. I kept my cool as best I could. “Mia is working on herself and processing her path forward as a focused and mature young woman.”

  “Your niece is an adult,” Kate added. “It may be hard to accept that as her aunt, especially after all you’ve been through as a family, Maggie, but acceptance and respect are important first steps for all in the reconnection process.”

  “What the hell will I tell Bridget?” I asked, flabbergasted, addressing Kate, Jo, Mia, each in turn. Who could blame me for flying off the handle? I had never anticipated any of this.

  “I want you to tell my mom I’m not coming home. Not yet. One day, when I’m ready,” Mia said, looking down at her hands. “Tell her I love her and that I’m sorry and I’m ok, I’m really more than ok and it’s up to me to sort myself out.”