Liquid & Ash

by E. M. Abel

  “Has it been three years already, Mrs. Baylor?” he asked, his lips lifting into a crooked grin.

  “Yes, it has, Mr. Baylor. Time flies when you’re having fun.”

  “You know what else makes time fly?”

  I smiled. “What?”

  “Birthday sex.”

  A squeal erupted from my lips when he turned and tossed me onto the bed before climbing on top of me. I admired his handsome face as his strong body pressed down on mine, his beautiful eyes shining.

  It was moments like this that reminded me why I’d given up everything to be with him.

  Prying my eyes open against the harsh sunlight, I groaned as my head began to pound. There was a beast in my skull, fighting to get out. Turning my head, I was met with Derek’s bare back as he lay on his side next to me. I sat up and sucked in a breath. The beast pounded harder. Squeezing my eyes shut, I clenched my jaw as I swung my legs over the side, and my feet hit the cold floor.

  Memories began to flood the monster in my head—Tiffany, pickles, vodka.

  Shit.

  Getting up, I stood still for a second to regain my balance before walking toward the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and rushed to the toilet just in time to throw up. I knelt on the cold floor as my stomach heaved, trying to cleanse my insides of all the poison and pain. I stayed there for a while, relinquishing control to my body as it took over.

  “Oh God, this sucks,” I groaned into the toilet.

  Derek was holding my hair away from my face with one hand while his other hand rubbed my back. “Shh. Just let it out.”

  My body tensed as I dry-heaved again, my eyes watering.

  “You don’t have to stay here. It’s your birthday, Derek. Aren’t your—” I paused as another wave of nausea hit me. “Aren’t your friends waiting for you?”

  Derek and I had only been dating for a few weeks. I hadn’t expected him to stay with me, especially when I was a virus-infested mess.

  Getting down on the floor next to me, Derek waited until I lifted my watery gaze to his. “I want to take care of you, Penny. Fuck everyone else. It’s you and me, okay?”

  Despite the pain in my gut, my entire body tingled with adoration, and my mouth curved into a small smile. “Okay.”

  Without thinking twice, Derek had sacrificed his own happiness to take care of me, and deep down, I knew I wanted the opportunity to do the same.

  When nothing was left and the feeling of emptiness settled inside me, I turned the shower on and moved to the sink where I brushed my teeth and drank cold water from the faucet. Avoiding my reflection, I peeled off my clothes and tossed them onto the floor.

  I stepped into the shower, and my body stiffened as the cold water hit my skin. I slid the curtain closed behind me. Taking a deep breath, I tried to relax as the water turned warm.

  The image of Derek’s smiling face from my dream flashed behind my closed lids. As I squeezed my eyes tighter, my eyebrows furrowed while I fought the barrage of agony attacking my heart. But it was no use. Gasping for air, I finally gave myself the chance to feel it, and it hurt like hell. I wrapped my arms around my waist and bent forward as I began to sob. The pain was like a flood of scalding knives twisting their way through my chest, my limbs, my gut, my life.

  My legs were weak, and I put my hand on the cold wall to hold myself up. My tears mixed with the water, and my chest heaved, closing like a vise around my heart.

  I’d lost everything—my best friend, my lover, my husband…everything. I’d risked it all for him, for love, and now, I was paying the price.

  I sank down and sat naked on the hard tiled floor as the water beat down on me, dissolving my strength. I hardly noticed when Derek climbed into the shower before picking me up into his strong arms. He cradled me in his lap as I cried for the man I’d lost, the one he’d once been. The monster who had ripped me to shreds was trying to piece me back together.

  “I’m so sorry, baby. I love you. God, I love you so much,” he murmured as he began rocking me.

  His words lit a spark, and I punched at his chest, his hard muscles easily absorbing the blows.

  “I hate you! Don’t touch me! Don’t you fucking touch me!”

  Snot and tears dripped from my face as I tried to kill him with my fists. Derek’s hands wrapped around my wrists, and I struggled, my legs kicking and sliding against the slick floor.

  “Shh. Stop, Penelope.”

  I didn’t stop. My arms burned as I kept fighting, but his grip on my wrists tightened. Somehow, he stood up and pulled my arms around me like a straitjacket, like I was insane. He’d made me that way.

  It was no use. He was too strong, and I was too broken. I hung my head and sobbed, my body going limp against his.

  “It’s going to be okay, baby. We’ll get through this. You’ll see.”

  I was down to my last Xanax.

  Good. I need to quit.

  I popped the pill in my mouth and swallowed it down with some tap water. Tossing the empty bottle in the trash, I knew I’d want more. Xanax withdrawals were horrific from what I’d heard. I’d only been taking them for a month, and it wasn’t until I’d caught Derek’s phone call that I’d started smoking weed and drinking so heavily, but I knew I should stop.

  When I walked out of the bathroom, Derek was getting into his uniform—or cammies, as he called them. He was tucking his undershirt into his pants when he lifted his eyes to mine. I tightened my robe around my waist.

  “I’ve got duty today. Will you be okay?”

  I clenched my jaw and nodded before averting my gaze. I hated that he’d seen me that way, that weak.

  I could feel Derek watching me as he fastened his belt around his narrow waist. Trying to ignore him, I walked over to my dresser and began pulling out some clothes.

  “You have anything planned for today?”

  I scoffed and shook my head as I tossed my clothes down on the bed. He really thinks one breakdown is all it takes to move on?

  “What?” he asked, his voice laced with anger.

  “Stop pretending everything’s fine, Derek.”

  His jaw tightened, and he sat down on the edge of the bed where he began putting on his boots. I stood there, watching him. My eyes were fixed on his broad back as he tied his laces. The Xanax was kicking in.

  “Stop acting like the world has ended, Penelope. Believe it or not, life goes on. We pick up the pieces, and we keep going. I’m trying my best to be here for you. I said I was sorry. It’s not like you haven’t changed, too. You can’t put all of this on me.”

  I could feel heat spreading through my chest, my anger boiling over. He was a condescending asshole, and apparently, he felt no need to hide it anymore.

  “Fuck you. I want a divorce.”

  Derek’s neck twisted, and he glared at me over his shoulder as his hands finished tucking his pants into his blousing straps. He stood up, his height adding to the threat in his eyes. “You don’t mean that.”

  I narrowed my eyes and took a step closer. I wasn’t scared of him. There was nothing left for him to take.

  “I mean it, Derek. I’m done. I want out.”

  “And where will you go? Home to your mother?” he sneered before walking out of the room, leaving me alone with my regrets.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “Penelope, where have you been? I’ve called you a few times already.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been busy.”

  “I was worried about you. How are all of your classes going? I hope you aren’t letting that boy distract you.”

  “His name is Derek, Mom.”

  She was silent for a beat, and my hands started to sweat as I tried to find the courage to tell her why I’d called.

  “That’s actually what I’m calling about.” I took a deep breath.

  “Yes?”

  I could feel her anticipating the worst.

  “Derek proposed…and I said yes.”

  “Penelope…” She paused to sigh into the
phone. “Don’t you think you should wait before making such a rash decision? You’ve known him for how long? Four months?”

  “I know, Mom, but I love him. He’s a good guy. You should give him a chance.”

  “Does he understand that you have to finish school first? It’s important that you not lose sight of your goals.”

  I dropped my head and stared at my socks. Derek’s hand rubbed my back.

  “Actually, I’ve decided to put school on hold. Derek’s getting orders to Japan in just a few months, and I plan on going with him.”

  I peered over at Derek, and he gave me a reassuring smile as my mother’s silence seeped through the phone and tightened my throat.

  “Mom?”

  “You haven’t learned anything, have you?”

  My mom was right. I’d spent my entire life watching her struggle. She’d married my dad at eighteen, and ten years later, they’d gotten divorced. She had been left with nothing but a stack of bills and two daughters to raise on her own. I should have learned from her mistakes, but instead, I’d repeated them.

  After that day, my mother never looked at me the same. She’d tried to accept my decision to marry Derek, but I could see the disappointment swimming in her eyes every time she looked at me. That was why I’d stopped visiting her, and we hardly spoke anymore.

  Derek had become my world. I was dependent on him, and he knew it. Now, he was using it against me.

  Sitting on the bathroom floor, I stared at my cell phone, contemplating calling my sister, Liz. She had called and sent me a text the night before, but I’d been too busy numbing myself to notice.

  Happy birthday!

  I tried calling, but you didn’t answer.

  Love you and miss you!

  I needed to talk to her. I needed to know someone still loved me unconditionally, but my pride stopped me from making the call. I’d already lost my mother’s respect. I didn’t want my sister to be disappointed in me, too. Just the thought of her pity kept me from calling.

  The wall felt cold and hard against my back as I stared blankly out the window. I had to get dressed and go to the pharmacy, but I had no desire to face the world. Sitting alone in my bathroom and wallowing in my shame was easier.

  My phone vibrated against the tiled floor. It was a text from Tiffany.

  I’m coming over in a few minutes.

  I was embarrassed about the way I’d broken down in front of her last night. I’d never been comfortable showing weakness.

  You don’t need to do that. I’m fine.

  Yes, I do. I’m bored.

  I sighed and typed a resigned, Okay.

  My feet tingled as I stood, and blood rushed to them. Facing the sink, I turned the faucet on and took a few sips of water before splashing some on my face. My eyelids were heavy, just like my heart.

  I tossed my robe onto the bed and got dressed while trying to mentally destroy all the memories Derek and I had made there—the laughs, the caresses of his mouth, the sound of his heart.

  There was a knock at the front door just as I tugged my favorite gray sweater over my head. Tiffany and Brian only lived a few blocks from officer housing, which was convenient since she didn’t have her own car.

  I grabbed a pair of socks and walked down the hall toward the dining room. “Come in!”

  Opening the door, Tiffany walked in with a bright smile on her face. “You look pretty,” she said, sounding chipper as always.

  “Thanks,” I muttered as I pulled on my thick socks.

  My outfit wasn’t anything special, but Tiffany mostly saw me wearing sweatpants and T-shirts. I used to dress up every day and cook dinner every night. I used to do anything I could to prove that I belonged with Derek, to earn my place in his life.

  “Is that what you’re wearing?”

  The question he’d often ask me resonated inside my soul, another reminder that I had never been enough.

  “Are you going somewhere?” Tiffany asked, bringing my awareness back to the present.

  I blinked. “Yeah. I have to run a few errands.”

  “You mind if I go with you? Brian has the car, and I’m going out of my mind over there.”

  “Sure, if you want to.”

  She came closer as I pulled on my boots.

  “Does Derek have duty or something? I saw him leave on his motorcycle.”

  I nodded.

  “Oh! We should go out tonight! It’ll be our little secret. Promise.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not really in the partying mood.”

  She followed me as I went to grab my jacket and purse.

  “I know, but it could be fun. We had fun last night, didn’t we? And Brandon always works on Saturday nights. I could finally introduce you, so you don’t have to go through me to buy weed anymore. It’s not that I mind getting it for you, but it would be a lot easier if you just met him.”

  I went to the door and opened it for her, but she didn’t move. She stood there, watching me with hopeful eyes, waiting for my answer.

  “Maybe. We’ll see.”

  Her face lit up, and her chest puffed out. “Sweet! You won’t regret it, I promise. Brandon works at one of the bars in town, Induce. Have you heard of it?”

  I shrugged.

  “Anyway, he’s super hot, too. If anything, we can just sit there and stare at him all night.”

  “You do know I didn’t say yes, right?”

  She walked past me and stopped before I could close the door behind us. Flipping her brown hair, she grinned at me over her shoulder. “Maybe just means you’ll say yes later.”

  I pursed my lips, and she laughed while strutting over to my car. The thought of going to a bar and meeting a hot guy wasn’t tempting to me at all. But it would be a lot easier if I dealt with Brandon myself rather than asking Tiffany to get my weed for me. Besides, it would be nice to get out of the house and forget about my problems even if it was just for a night.

  We sat silently in the car as I drove toward the base clinic, and my mind wandered.

  I have no money. I should open another bank account and start putting some into it. I should stop paying Derek’s motorcycle bill for him and take the money. I wonder how long I could do it before he noticed. Do I even want his money? I should start applying for jobs. I wonder if Liz would let me move in with her.

  “What are you thinking about? You’re totally zoned out over there.”

  “Nothing.” The last thing I wanted to do was talk about Derek again. “So, where’s Brian?” I asked as I pulled into the clinic parking lot.

  “He went hunting with some guys from work. You know Jonathan and Foster?”

  I gave her a blank look. I didn’t pay much attention to Derek when he talked about work since he usually just bitched about everyone’s incompetence.

  “Well, anyway, they left early this morning. I swear, the longer we stay here, the more redneck Brian becomes.”

  “It is Jacksonville, North Carolina. Maybe he just wants to try something new.” I wasn’t sure why I was defending him, but I felt like someone needed to.

  I’d met Brian a few times before, and he seemed like a nice guy. Then again, people only showed you what they wanted you to see.

  Tiffany shrugged. “Whatever. If he comes home wearing fluorescent orange and smelling like piss, I’m leaving his ass.”

  I couldn’t help but grin as I shook my head and turned the car off.

  “Do you mind if I wait for you out here? I hate hospitals.”

  “Yeah, sure.” I turned the car back on, so she wouldn’t freeze, and then I got out.

  After fifteen minutes in the pharmacy, I got another bottle of Xanax and promised myself I’d start weaning myself off of them.

  When I got back into the car, Tiffany was smiling and texting on her phone.

  “Oh, hey.” She put her phone away as she watched me climbed in. “Whatcha got there?”

  She took the brown paper bag from my hand and opened it, dumping the orange bottle into her l
ap. I ground my teeth as I shut the door and put my seat belt on. Tiffany obviously had no respect for privacy. Perhaps agreeing to be friends with her was a mistake.

  “Xanax. Nice! I just sent a text to Brandon. He said it was cool for me to introduce you. He said he’d actually prefer it that way. He’s kind of paranoid. Doesn’t want to deal with people he doesn’t know.”

  I sighed as I put the car in reverse. The thought of going out to a bar was getting less appealing by the second. I was in no condition to be out in public, let alone in an environment like that.

  “I haven’t been to a bar in years. Can’t I meet him some other way?”

  “Ah, come on. Don’t flake out on me now. It’ll be fun. I could help you pick out an outfit if you want.”

  “No, it’s okay. I’ve got it.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I caught her looking at my clothes as I drove. Tiffany had no idea what I was capable of. I could be sexy if I tried. I used to try all the time.

  “I’m sure.”

  I spent the rest of the day smoking weed, sleeping, and staring out of my bedroom window. I should have been planning, pulling myself together, but I couldn’t seem to get past the fact that my life had become a series of heartbreaking mistakes. I was still trying to understand how I’d been so blind, how I’d given up on myself for someone else. Love was the only excuse I had. I’d fallen so hard and so deep that I wasn’t sure I’d ever find my way out.

  Sitting up, I winced as I tried stretching and relieving some of the tension in my back. I had no idea being sedentary could make me so sore.

  The house phone began to ring, and I ignored it as I went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. It was seven o’clock, and I expected to hear from Tiffany soon, but she only had my cell number.

  “You’ve reached the Baylor residence. We’re not home right now, so please leave a message, and we will return your call as soon as possible.”

  Beep.

  “Penelope, you there? Come on, baby, pick up. I just want to check on you.” Derek paused, and he exhaled into the phone. “I’m sorry for this morning. I know I was an asshole. I just can’t…I love you, Penny. I have to stand watch in an hour. Call me, okay?”