Liquid & Ash

by E. M. Abel

  At the end of the night, I cashed in my tips and nearly jumped up and down when I realized I’d earned over two hundred dollars in six hours. If I’d made that much as a server, I could only imagine the tips the bartenders collected. No wonder Brandon still worked there.

  “You did great,” Nicole told me as we made our way out of the break room after grabbing our stuff.

  “Thanks.”

  “You definitely have potential if you’re looking to become a bartender. You seem a lot more driven than some of the other servers.”

  She eyed the group of female employees as they giggled and flirted with Brandon near the front doors. I chewed on my bottom lip and tried to tear my eyes away from them. One girl ran her fingers through his hair as she whispered something into his ear. He didn’t lean into her touch, but he also didn’t move away.

  “Don’t let it get to you. He’s never interested in the ones who chase him.” Nicole smiled at me.

  I released my lip as I grinned halfheartedly. “Am I that obvious?”

  She shrugged. “I’ve known Brandon a long time. He has that effect on a lot of women. He’s got a good heart, but I wouldn’t recommend trying to claim it. You’ll only end up getting hurt.”

  I nodded and stared at the ground as my feet brought me closer to the doors and Brandon’s group of fans.

  Nicole pushed one of the doors open.

  Brandon shouted, “Penelope! Wait up a second.”

  I turned to see everyone facing me as he walked closer, and I didn’t miss the eyes narrowing in my direction.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Nicole said.

  I followed her onto the sidewalk outside. “Okay.”

  I stopped with my back toward the building. Brandon came to stand beside me. Pulling out a cigarette, he lit it as I stared at the cars driving on the street in front of us.

  He blew out a puff of smoke and glanced at the ground for a second before asking, “How long are you going to keep avoiding me?”

  I turned to face him. “I wasn’t trying to avoid you. I was just trying to make things easier.”

  Brandon lifted his head, his eyes narrowing skeptically as he looked at me. “Make what easier?”

  “You know, the whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me, I’m-not-the-relationship-type, it-was-fun-while-it-lasted conversation. I mean, I totally get it. I wasn’t wanting anything serious either. I’m still not. But I took things a little too far last time, and—”

  “Could you just shut up for a minute?”

  My mouth snapped shut, and I stared at Brandon as he gazed out at the sky. He took another drag from his cigarette while the other employees began walking onto the sidewalk behind us.

  He tilted his head in the direction of his apartment. “Come on,” he muttered around his cigarette.

  I walked beside him. This time, LOVE hung between us, and I made sure to keep my distance.

  Brandon blew out some smoke, dropped his cigarette on the ground, and stepped on it before he kept walking. I stared at his boots, wondering if he was about to do the same to me.

  “Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t you the one who left me naked with my dick in my hands?”

  I lifted my head and opened my mouth, ready to defend myself, but I let it close when I realized he was right. He cut his eyes at me as he popped a piece of Big Red gum in his mouth and chewed it. I looked back down at my feet.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, breaking the silence.

  I glanced at him before nodding. “Yeah, I think so.”

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  I shrugged and stared down the street at his approaching building as I fought my habit of keeping everything bottled up inside. “Tiffany was the one fucking my husband.”

  Brandon stopped walking, and when I realized he wasn’t beside me, I did, too.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah.”

  He shook his head before he started moving again. “It was Tiffany the whole time? Or just after you guys split up?”

  “The whole time. She would come hang out with me when Derek had duty. Shit, we didn’t even become friends until after she had started fucking him.”

  “That’s some psycho-stalker shit right there,” he said, sounding astounded.

  It felt good to finally talk to someone about it, someone who wasn’t involved and saw how fucked up it was. To be honest, I was happy Brandon was still talking to me at all.

  We walked in silence until we got to Brandon’s apartment. When he opened the door and went inside, I stood in the threshold, my feet hesitant to move forward. He turned to look at me.

  “I’m sorry for what happened the other night. I never should have asked you to pretend. We promised we wouldn’t—”

  “I wasn’t pretending, Penelope.”

  My mouth clamped shut as excitement and fear fought for space in my chest.

  “Don’t freak out on me,” he said, holding his hand up, like he was dealing with a cornered animal. “Will you at least come inside?”

  I let out the breath I’d been holding and stepped inside. Brandon closed the door behind me and went to sit on his couch. I followed behind him, reminding myself of Nicole’s warning.

  “He’s got a good heart, but I wouldn’t recommend trying to claim it. You’ll only end up getting hurt.”

  Brandon raked his fingers through his hair before he rested his elbows on his knees and stared at his floor. I sat, silently watching him.

  “I’m fucked up, Penelope. I’ve got no right trying to be with anyone. I’m not even sure if I’m capable of being in a healthy relationship…but it’s always meant something. You’ve always meant something to me.”

  My nose stung as tears pricked the backs of my eyes, and I gazed at Brandon’s profile. Excitement was overwhelming the fear.

  I mean something to him. I’m not alone. I took a breath. Be careful, Penny.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I murmured, wiping my sweaty palms on my tight black pants.

  Brandon chuckled and peered over at me, his blond hair falling beside his piercing blue eyes. “You don’t have to say anything. I didn’t mean for this to be so awkward. I just don’t want you to think you mean nothing to me.” He faced forward, tucking his hair back behind his ear. “I know I have a reputation, especially at Induce.” His gaze lowered to his hand as he played with a gum wrapper. “I just don’t want you to think you’re like all the others.” He paused to look at me. “You aren’t.”

  I lost my battle with my tears, my vision glossing over, as I dropped my gaze to my hands and whispered, “Thank you.”

  I couldn’t remember a time when I’d meant it more.

  My eyes were closed, but I didn’t need to see. Sight would only distract me from his touch, the heat from his skin, the strength in his hands, the possession in his hips.

  “I always want more,” Brandon whispered as he thrust himself deeper inside me, making me gasp.

  My nails dug into his back as another orgasm approached, and he drew it out of me, slowly and purposefully, with just the right pressure and pace. His lips wrapped around my earlobe as he pressed his chest onto mine, our hearts beating frantically together. I listened to his breaths as mine were taken from me.

  “Show me how good it feels,” he murmured against the skin on my neck.

  Sliding my hands up until I felt his beard under my fingers, I held his face in my hands before lifting myself up and bringing my lips to his. I tried to show him with the stroke of my tongue, the gentle tug of my lips on his, the way my fingers raked through his hair, and how my body invited him in deeper. He groaned into my mouth as I pulsed around him. His rhythm lost its cadence as he came undone on top of me, inside me.

  Both of us panting, I finally opened my eyes. Brandon was watching me with temptation and foreboding in his stare. I could feel the fear hovering around us, and the realization that, in between those sheets, we had started finding something real.

  I kept my hands on his fac
e, hoping he wouldn’t detach himself this time. His eyes closed, and I could almost see the internal battle he was fighting. I just wished I knew what side he was on.

  Brandon tilted his head and kissed the palm of my hand before pulling away and rolling onto his back beside me. We stared at his ceiling as it began to rain outside, the heavy drops pelting his windows. He lit a cigarette and offered it to me. I took it, welcoming the reminder that I’d survived.

  I couldn’t help but think about the first night I’d met Brandon and the last night I’d smoked a cigarette. A lot had changed since then, and although I was now broke, single, and scarred, I was becoming optimistic again.

  Brandon handed me an ashtray after lighting his own cigarette, and I sat up and crossed my legs.

  “I can’t promise you anything,” Brandon said.

  I glanced at him, and his eyes studied mine before I had to look away.

  “I wish I could. I wish I could ask you to be my girlfriend, so we could be in an actual normal relationship, but I don’t think I’m capable of that. I hurt the people who care about me. I always have.”

  I nodded although I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t like anything he had said, and I definitely didn’t like the thought of setting myself up to get hurt all over again. I’d felt his coldness before, the distance he kept between us. I knew, once my feelings for him grew, it would only be more painful. If we were going to keep doing whatever this was we were doing, we needed to set boundaries, and I had to let him know that I didn’t need him to promise me anything. I hoped I’d believe it.

  “I don’t expect you to fix me, Brandon.” I took another drag from the cigarette and flicked more ashes into the pile. “I don’t want you to hold back because you think I’m looking to be saved. I’m not.”

  Brandon took my hand and laced his fingers through mine. Our eyes locked, and my defenses weakened.

  “I don’t think you need saving. If I did, we wouldn’t be here.”

  Looking down at our hands, I rubbed my thumb over the letter F on his finger. “You mean something to me, too,” I whispered, almost scared to say it too loud.

  He squeezed my hand in his, and I met his gaze.

  “That’s all I want. I just want to mean something,” he said.

  My nerves instantly calmed, and I felt a smile tugging at my lips.

  No expectations. No heartbreak.

  Brandon grinned when he noticed me relaxing.

  How had I not noticed the admiration in his stare before?

  Climbing onto him, I straddled his lap and put our cigarettes out in the ashtray. The tips of my fingers combed through his beard, my nails lightly scratching his jaw. His eyes searched mine as his hands moved to my hips.

  “No promises.” I leaned down and kissed his soft lips.

  He reached up and took my head in his hands, bringing our foreheads together. “No pretending.”

  Saturday morning, I was standing in Brandon’s bathroom, getting ready to leave.

  “I think you’re the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen. You definitely have the best ass,” he told me.

  I laughed as I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and met his eyes in the bathroom mirror. It was like a dam had been broken, and now, Brandon felt comfortable with telling me all the things he was thinking.

  “Am I scaring you yet?” he whispered against my neck as his arms wrapped around my waist.

  I shook my head and smiled at his reflection. “No. Am I scaring you?”

  Brandon chuckled as he slid one of his hands into the front of my panties. I bit my bottom lip, fighting to hold on to my control.

  “Maybe a little,” he whispered next to my ear.

  I gasped, losing the battle, as his middle finger slid inside me.

  “Oh, yeah?” I sucked in another breath. “You don’t seem scared.”

  “I’m good at hiding it,” he admitted before his warm tongue slid up my neck.

  I moaned as his thumb found my clit.

  “Is that why you like me? Because I scare you?” I asked between breaths as my head fell against his chest.

  “Yeah, maybe,” he murmured just before his teeth raked over my shoulder.

  I smiled, but it quickly fell from my lips when his thumb began circling faster. I squeezed my eyes shut, and his breath swept across my skin.

  “Oh God, Brandon.”

  “Mmm…I love it when you say my name like that,” he crooned, rewarding me with another finger.

  Within seconds, I was shuddering in his arms and coming on his hand. I couldn’t control my reaction to him even if I tried. He possessed me, and I knew it was dangerous, but I just didn’t care.

  “Beautiful,” he whispered.

  Pulling his hand back and kissing my neck, Brandon smacked my ass before walking out of the bathroom.

  I stared at my bright green eyes in the mirror and smiled.

  A few minutes later, I walked into the living room and found Brandon sitting on his couch, rolling a joint.

  “Do you smoke bud every day?” I asked as I took a seat next to him and put on my flip-flops.

  He glanced at me as he licked the paper. “Yeah. Why? You don’t like it?”

  I shrugged. “No, it’s not that I don’t like it. I was just curious. I smoked every day for a few weeks, but after a while, I just felt numb. But I was also super depressed, so…”

  Brandon lit the end of his joint and took a long hit. He turned his hand and seemed to be studying it as he thought about what I’d said. “I started smoking when I got out of the Corps. It helped with the nightmares.”

  My eyebrows drew together as he took another hit.

  “Do you still have them? Nightmares?”

  He shook his head. “Nah, not really. I just don’t sleep well. The weed helps.”

  I nodded and looked outside Brandon’s windows as I thought about how little he’d slept when I was with him. I thought of the morning I’d tried to look at his tattoos and the way he’d reacted.

  “Do you have PTSD?”

  Brandon shrugged and ran his hand through his hair, a sign I’d come to recognize. He was getting uncomfortable.

  “Believe it or not, Afghanistan is the least of my problems. I was pretty well fucked up before I ever joined the Marines.”

  He looked at me, and I tried to assure him with my expression that I wasn’t judging him. I just wanted to know more.

  “Don’t worry; I’m not crazy or anything—well, not that crazy,” he said, smirking. He took another drag from his joint.

  “I’m not worried.”

  There was a missing piece to Brandon’s story that I wanted to find. What happened to him? Is it his time in foster care that haunts him? What happened to his family? I was scared of asking him the wrong thing.

  “So, do you want to hang out with me today?” he asked as he leaned back against the couch cushions.

  I peered over at him and smiled while he drummed his fingers on my leg.

  “I have to go home and shower.”

  “Okay.”

  “I could come back though.”

  His mouth lifted into a crooked grin. “Okay.”

  He is too gorgeous. Seriously.

  “What?” he asked as he moved closer.

  I bit my lip and looked down at my lap, wishing my cheeks weren’t blazing hot under his stare. “I just never…” I laughed, embarrassed by what I was about to say. “I never thought you’d be interested in someone like me. That first night we met at Induce, I remember thinking I wasn’t even in your league, and now, here you are, looking at me like I’m just as beautiful as you are.”

  Brandon didn’t say anything. He just sat there, staring at me, his blue eyes studying mine, before they drifted down to my lips. Leaning forward, he kissed me so softly that it made my chest hurt.

  “You really are crazy,” he said.

  I smacked him on the shoulder, and he chuckled.

  “Now, go get ready, so I can take you out.”

  As I drov
e home, I found myself fighting the excitement and giddiness dying to come out. I wanted to turn up my stereo and sing at the top of my lungs. I wanted to dream, but I’d done that once before, and I still hadn’t recovered.

  Besides, Brandon hadn’t made me any promises. We’d admitted we cared for each other, but that didn’t mean this thing between us would last.

  I sat at a red light, tapping my fingertips on the steering wheel, when I heard the familiar roar of a motorcycle’s muffler. I looked in my rearview mirror, expecting to see Derek, and a flood of emotions washed over me when I realized it wasn’t him. The pain was still fresh, but there was a longing, too. That sound alone carried a catalog of memories that would be with me forever.

  Perhaps that was all life was—a series of moments and memories. Some of them were good, some of them were bad, but all of them collectively defined who we were. Maybe we had the power to choose the moments that made us. Maybe that power was all we had.

  Beep.

  My eyes snapped up when the driver behind me honked his horn, and I realized the light had turned green.

  By the time I walked into my apartment, it was almost noon. Brandon and I didn’t have to be at work until eight, so we had plenty of time to spend together. I just hoped I’d be able to squeeze in a nap at some point. I wasn’t used to working so late, and knowing Brandon, I probably wouldn’t be getting much sleep after work either.

  Dropping my purse onto my table, I took out my tips and added them to the envelope where I’d been stashing all of my money. Just as I walked away, my phone began ringing in my purse. I grabbed it and checked the screen.

  Mom.

  I hadn’t spoken to my mom in almost a year. Liz had told me she’d asked about me, but I’d avoided calling her.

  “Hello?”

  “Penny?”

  I smiled as soon as I heard her voice. I missed her. “Hi, Mom. How are you?”

  “Oh, I’m doing all right. Getting old, but I guess that’s unavoidable. How are you?”

  “I’m okay.”

  “Liz told me…about your marriage.”