No Turning Back

by Susan Lewis

  Eva’s sadness was almost too much for Bobbie. ‘I so want you to be happy,’ she said, lifting a hand to stroke Eva’s hair.

  ‘I am. I have so much,’ Eva reminded her.

  ‘It’s true, you do, but if you’d allow yourself to have another baby – and please don’t tell me Don doesn’t want another, because we both know you could talk him round if you tried. It’s crazy, the way you’re depriving yourself of being a mother when everyone knows how wonderful you’d be. Your niece and nephew adore you, all the kids in the places you sponsor think you’re God in female form … Which reminds me, I’ll write a cheque before you go. Do I have a list of your latest worthy causes? I know it’ll be the same as last time, but you’re sure to have added some by now.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Eva said with a smile. ‘I admit I have prepared a list. I was going to email it over to Naomi.’

  ‘You do that. You know you can count on me. I thought adding the Smile Train last time was particularly poignant. Those poor kids with cleft palates – it’s marvellous what that charity’s doing to help.’ After a moment’s reflection she took a sip of her drink and put a hand to her head. ‘You know, I’ve lost my thread,’ she admitted. ‘That keeps happening to me lately … Oh for heaven’s sake,’ she groaned as the phone rang again, and switching it off, she stuffed it under the lounger.

  ‘Evie, I know this isn’t going to be what you want to hear,’ she said after a while, ‘but actually I think you’re right, you should try to let it go now, because we’ve got no idea if he will ever try to make contact, and you can’t go on putting your life on hold …’

  ‘Let’s talk about something else,’ Eva suggested, more upset than she wanted to show.

  Bobbie gazed at her bleakly. ‘If that’s what you want,’ she said, ‘but please give some thought to what I said about Don. You still have time to make a family with him, and I’m sure if he thought it was what you wanted, then he would too.’

  But that really would be giving up, Eva wanted to cry, and though she knew in her heart it was what she should do, she doubted she ever could.

  It was past six o’clock by the time Eva finally stepped off the train at Dorchester station to find Don waiting on the platform, his handsome, worried face breaking into a smile as he spotted her.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she groaned as she walked into his arms. ‘I hope the delay hasn’t messed up your day.’

  ‘Everything’s fine,’ he assured her. ‘I was able to rejig a few things and I even went in for a spot of delegation.’

  ‘Never,’ she cried incredulously.

  Laughing, he took her bag and wrapped an arm round her shoulders as they started towards the exit. ‘So how was everything?’ he asked. ‘Bobbie on form?’

  ‘Still a bit jet-lagged, but happily, as fabulous as ever. She sends her love.’

  ‘And I hope you remembered to send mine.’

  ‘Of course,’ and going ahead of him into the car park she deliberately avoided the curious eyes that followed her. While on the train it was easier not to be noticed, simply by keeping her head down and allowing her hair to fall forward. With the wind blowing and her head up she couldn’t help attracting attention, first with her height and what was left of her beauty – then with the travesty down one side of her face. This was when those who thought they recognised her realised that they did. She was even, occasionally, asked for an autograph, or offered sympathy from someone who felt for her tragedy. She was always polite, even friendly, but never engaged in anything more than the briefest exchange if she could help it.

  ‘Oh my goodness,’ she laughed as they reached the car and Don opened the door for her to get in. On the back seat was an enormous bunch of her favourite wild flowers, hand-tied with a very fancy bow. ‘What have I done to deserve this?’ she demanded, turning to look at him.

  ‘I missed you,’ he told her, ‘and I thought you deserved a treat.’

  Melting against him, she put her arms round his neck and kissed him deeply. ‘I love you,’ she murmured softly.

  The way his eyes looked into hers left her in no doubt that he felt the same way, but clearly afraid they were making a spectacle of themselves, he gently eased her into the passenger seat and went round to the driver’s side. ‘And another thing,’ he added, as he started the engine, ‘I thought I’d take you for an early dinner at the Riverside.’

  Her eyes lit up with surprise. ‘I’m starting to think I should go away more often,’ she teased. ‘What about Rosie and Elvis? We’ll need to walk them. And the flowers have to go in water.’

  ‘All taken care of. The flowers are in a water balloon, Livvy and Dave are on their way to the house as we speak to take care of the odds, I popped in earlier to feed the ducks and we know we can rely on Sasha to sort out the horses. So this means that all you have to do, my darling, is sit back and allow yourself to be spoiled.’

  Eva laughed delightedly. How much easier and enjoyable life always seemed when she was with him, especially after how awful the ruling had left her feeling, as though she was a nobody who had no right even to want contact with her son, never mind actually to have it. ‘Have you booked a table?’ she asked, slipping a hand into his. ‘You know how full it always gets.’

  ‘I have and Arthur’s looking forward to seeing you. He’s also put some champagne on ice.’

  Eva turned to look at him. Then the penny dropped. ‘Oh my God, the deal’s gone through,’ she declared excitedly.

  Rolling his eyes, he said, ‘I wish. No, I’m afraid there’s still a way to go. I thought we’d have champagne just because we can. So now, tell me how the meeting went with the chap from Madrid.’

  ‘Milan, and it was a woman,’ she corrected, used to him getting these things mixed up, and settling back in her seat she began recounting as much detail as she knew he could handle of her only business appointment, while taking care to avoid her emotions as the horrible words of the ruling kept trying to break into her thoughts.

  By the time they arrived at West Bay, where one of their favourite fish restaurants was nestled in sublime simplicity on the river’s edge, it had started to rain. So parking as close as they could get to the small footbridge that crossed to the restaurant they ran across to find Arthur, the long-time owner, waiting to welcome them. Having been quite the dashing young man in his day, he still cut a handsome figure whose presence alone lent an air of sophistication to one of the region’s most successful eateries. And the food was in a class of its own.

  After showing Eva to the corner window table that she and Don generally requested, while Don stayed near the bar taking a call, Arthur instructed a waiter to bring the menus and left Eva to answer her own phone.

  ‘Hi,’ she said to Patty. ‘How are things?’

  ‘Fine,’ Patty replied, sounding faintly harassed. ‘Are you back now? Livvy said your train was delayed.’

  ‘By almost two hours would you believe, but I’ve just sat down at the Riverside, so yes, back in one piece.’

  ‘You’re at the Riverside?’ Patty repeated. ‘Lovely.’ Then, after a beat, ‘So how did it go in London?’

  As the truth contracted Eva’s heart, she said, ‘Great. Fine. Actually, nothing out of the ordinary. I spent last night at Bobbie’s.’

  ‘I know, I got your text. Is she OK?’

  ‘As gorgeous as ever. Where are you?’

  ‘Still at the office. Is Don there, by any chance? I need to speak to him.’

  ‘Actually, he’s on another call, but can’t it wait? We’re about to have dinner.’

  ‘Of course. Sorry … I’m so up to my eyes here …’

  ‘You always are. What do you need to talk to him about anyway? Has there been another break-in?’

  ‘No, no sign of anything since the weekend. Just tell him … Tell him I got his email about the new alarm system, but I can’t open the attachment. Actually, forget it, I’ll speak to him tomorrow. Enjoy your meal and say hi to Arthur.’

  As she rang off Eva was alr
eady regretting the way she’d snapped at her sister and would have called back had Don not been heading her way.

  ‘What’s up?’ he asked, tucking his phone into an inside pocket as he sat down.

  Eva pulled a face. ‘I just got annoyed with Patty when I shouldn’t have.’

  His eyes narrowed.

  ‘Please don’t look at me like that,’ she protested.

  ‘So what was it about?’ he asked, nodding to the waiter to open the champagne.

  ‘She wanted to talk to you about some email attachment she can’t open and I told her we were about to have dinner – so she’s going to call tomorrow.’

  Don was watching the glasses filling with champagne. ‘Well, that doesn’t sound such a big deal,’ he commented.

  ‘No, I don’t suppose it was, so why don’t we forget it,’ and picking up her glass she waited until they were alone before saying, ‘Here’s to us.’

  ‘To you,’ he said with a smile.

  Her eyes went down as she took a sip, and a shudder of nerves coasted through her as she considered the advice Bobbie had given her.

  ‘You never know,’ Bobbie had said before she left, ‘it could work out the way it does for people who think they can’t have children. Once they stop obsessing over it, it just happens. In other words, once you start focusing on another baby you could very well find your son knocking at the door.’

  Eva had been mulling that over for hours now, and though it was probably an absurd way to think, she couldn’t help feeling that it had a certain sort of sense. The question was, how would Don take it if she suddenly announced that she wanted to have a baby? In fact, she wasn’t at all sure that she did, but maybe it was something they could at least start to consider before it really was too late.

  ‘Something’s going on in that head of yours,’ he remarked teasingly, ‘so come on, out with it.’

  Smiling, she rested her chin on one hand as she said, quite casually, ‘Bobbie and I were talking earlier and do you know what she thinks?’

  ‘Enlighten me.’

  ‘Wait for it – she thinks we should start a family.’

  After a moment of astonishment, he frowned disapprovingly. ‘Well, I guess Bobbie’s entitled to her opinion,’ he said, ‘but it hardly has any bearing on what we’ve decided between us.’

  ‘That’s true,’ she conceded, ‘but have we decided? I mean, yes, I know we have, but I was thinking, Jasmine’s seventeen now, and my son, if he ever does come to find me, will be all grown up by then, so maybe it wouldn’t be so difficult for them if we had other children.’

  His eyes darkened with confusion as he said, ‘This has come right out of left field. I always thought you were dead set against it.’

  ‘I was, but things, people, change.’

  He was watching her closely, apparently still trying to assimilate the shock. ‘Is it what you want?’ he asked directly.

  Her heart skipped a beat as she wondered what he’d say if she answered yes. ‘I’m not sure,’ she answered truthfully. ‘I guess Bobbie just got me thinking and …’ She shrugged. ‘I’ve been thinking, that’s all.’

  Sitting back in his chair, almost as though he’d been winded, he said, ‘I can’t help feeling there’s more to this.’

  Her eyes went to his. ‘Why should there be? It’s perfectly normal for people to start families …’

  ‘But you’ve never wanted to before, and you know that I don’t …’

  ‘Because of Jasmine, but …’

  ‘It’s not only because of her. I have other reasons …’ He broke off as he dashed a hand through his hair.

  ‘Such as?’ Eva prompted, not much liking the sound of that.

  He shrugged awkwardly. ‘I guess I just don’t think now is the right time,’ he responded vaguely.

  She almost laughed. ‘So when exactly would be a better time?’

  ‘I don’t know. Listen, you’ve just thrown this at me, so why don’t we leave it for now and talk about something else? We don’t want to spoil this evening by arguing, and this is something we should really be discussing at home.’

  ‘Provided you’re willing to discuss it.’

  ‘Did I say I wasn’t? I’m just not prepared to get into it now, so shall we decide what we’re going to eat?’

  Picking up the menu Eva stared at it blankly, wondering what was really going through his mind. It had never occurred to her before that he might have ‘other reasons’ for not wanting children, and what he had said had thrown her completely. However, he was right, this was something they should talk about at home, and realising she was in danger of spoiling the evening unnecessarily, she reached for his hand as she said, ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, especially when you’ve gone to all this trouble to make me feel so glad to be home, and special and loved.’

  Never entirely comfortable with public displays of affection, his colour deepened slightly as he leaned over to kiss her on the mouth. ‘Which is exactly what you are,’ he told her softly.

  She smiled into his eyes. ‘Am I allowed to have lobster?’ she asked playfully.

  ‘You can have whatever you like. In fact, I think I’ll join you, with Lyme Bay scallops as a first course.’

  ‘And I’ll have Thai-style gambas.’

  Turning to summon a waitress, he winced as his phone started to ring. ‘Great timing,’ he muttered, fishing it out. And checking who it was, he said, ‘Sorry, I’ll have to take this. Hey Johnny, what’s up?’

  Deciding to text Livvy while she was waiting to make sure all was well with Elvis and Rosie, Eva reached into her bag and was about to open her phone when to her surprise she noticed Johnny Frome, Don’s operations manager, at one of the fish and chip stalls out on the harbour with his girlfriend – and he wasn’t on the phone. Confused, she glanced at Don, then back at Johnny, and when she looked at Don again she realised from his expression that he’d spotted Johnny too.

  Sitting back in her chair, she watched him start to laugh as he brought the call to an end. ‘That was Johnny Silverton, head of security at a storage depot in Charmouth,’ he told her. ‘Apparently their alarms are going off and they can’t find anyone suspicious on the premises, so I told him to call the office and get them to send someone out there.’

  Surprised, she said, ‘You’re not going yourself?’

  ‘Absolutely not, we’re having dinner, and besides, I’m getting into delegation, remember?’

  Amused and impressed, she raised her glass to him again, and after the waitress came to take their order he said, ‘So where were we?’

  Having no idea, Eva shrugged and said, ‘Why don’t I tell you what I’ve decided about Jasmine and the job?’

  Looking instantly cautious, he said, ‘Go on.’

  ‘I’m definitely going to offer it to her,’ she informed him. ‘I know she’ll probably turn me down, but even if she does at least she’ll know I considered her.’

  He wasn’t looking thrilled. ‘So you’re OK about her being with us every weekend?’

  ‘She practically is already.’

  ‘And what if she does accept and it doesn’t work out?’

  ‘Well, I guess I’ll have to deal with that if it happens, but let’s try to think about this positively, shall we?’

  ‘OK,’ he agreed, drawing the word out slowly. ‘So do you want me to talk to her first?’

  ‘No, I just want to know that you support my decision.’

  He cocked an eyebrow, and with the kind of sigh that told her quite plainly that he still wasn’t sure about this, he said, ‘I will if I have to, but frankly, I wish you wouldn’t do it.’

  ‘Well, frankly, I’m going to, especially as you can’t give me a good enough reason why I shouldn’t,’ and after treating him to one of her sweetest smiles she changed the subject again.

  Chapter Six

  Eva was hurrying from the car park into South Street, passing the Electric Palace where she, Livvy and Dave had gone the night before to watch a cou
ple of local dignitaries romping around in The Mikado, crossing the street to the ironmongers to add her name to a petition to block any more estate agents opening up in the town centre. Enough is enough! was their slogan – not very imaginative, but she supposed it got the point across.

  After grabbing a couple of deliciously crumbling croissants from the baker’s, she started back across the square waving a cheery hello to the eccentric milliner from West Street who, for reasons best known to himself, made the town hall clock chime thirteen at midnight on New Year’s Eve. He’d also recently launched an international festival of hats in the town, which had been, to quote the local paper, a ‘topping success’. Were she not already late she’d have stopped for a quick chat, but Livvy was at the dentist’s this morning so it was her turn to open the shop.

  Finding the mail and half a dozen trade magazines scattered over the front mat as usual, she scooped it all up and had a quick glance through as she wandered into the office. Though she could guess what most of it was, one white envelope surprised her, since it was franked with the Saturday Siesta logo – the magazine that had run the recent article. While intrigued to know what they had to say, she needed to get everything straight in the shop first, so moving the envelope to the top of the pile she left it next to her computer and went to put on the coffee.

  By the time she’d finished vacuuming, dusting and straightening the jewellery displays, Livvy was coming through the door with a swollen cheek.

  ‘Back already!’ Eva exclaimed. ‘I wasn’t expecting you till gone ten. What did you have done?’

  ‘A flaming filling,’ Livvy slurred, looking mightily fed up. ‘They called me at eight to say they’d had a cancellation so could I come right away? If I didn’t live round the corner they couldn’t have done that. Still, at least it’s over for another six months.’ She cast a knowing look around. ‘Late in by any chance?’

  ‘Only slightly. Coffee’s on and there’s a croissant for you, if you can manage it. What time are we expecting Coral?’

  ‘Eleven, I think. It’s in the diary. Actually, I’m feeling quietly confident that she’s going to like what I’ve come up with. Well, I hope she is, anyway.’