Pedro The Ugliest Dog In The World

by Papa G

  After half an hour or so of stumbling around and giggling in the dark, Pedro put his nose to the ground and started sniffing. "Hey, look at this Dave. What is it?"

  Dave scrambled to the front of his hairy hideaway to take a look. "Aha! It's a poo," he said, then took a sharp intake of breath. "Not just any ordinary poo either. That's a giraffe poo!"

  "Get out of here, you nut case. There's no giraffes in the desert," Pedro said, not believing one word of it.

  "Maybe not, but that is definitely a giraffe poo."

  "How can you tell?" Pedro asked, giving it another sniff and screwing up his nose.

  "Well, it's flat for one thing."

  "Right …" Pedro said looking confused.

  "And it’s round for another."

  "That don't mean a thing," Pedro said

  "No? Really? Well, when I was a small child, the old women of the village would gather to sing the giraffe poo song." Then Dave got out his guitar and began singing loudly.

  Because a giraffe is extremely tall,

  It's a very long way for a poo to fall.

  Instead of being nice and round

  And piled neatly upon the ground,

  A giraffe poo is completely flat

  And lands on the ground with a mighty splat.

  Dave finished his song with an impressive guitar solo, then he and Pedro howled with laughter

  Another hour went by.

  "Hahahahah, hoooooooo ... Okay, let's get that giraffe," Pedro said with tears running down his cheeks.

  Pedro and Dave stumbled after the trail of poo, giggling and shushing each other, and eventually coming to a rusty old fence. Pedro crouched down. "Look, there it is," he whispered, wide eyed, pointing to a large four-legged animal grazing on the other side.

  "Yeah man, I told you. Now go and eat it, but be quiet," Dave whispered back, trying to stifle his giggles.

  Pedro climbed over the rusty fence and started sneaking through the dry grass, keeping low, moving slowly towards the unsuspecting creature. When he got within striking distance, Pedro pounced, digging his sharp wonky teeth hard into the creature's rear.

  "Yeeeoowww," a shaggy goat cried out in shock, turning round to see a hideous looking animal with big black eyes hanging off his behind. "What the fluff ... what do you think you're doing?" the goat screamed at Pedro.

  "Oh sorry, I thought you were a giraffe," Pedro slurred through his mouthful of furry goat butt.

  "Help ... Help ... Help me! I'm being eaten ... alive!" the terrified goat screeched, running around, bucking his legs in an attempt to shake Pedro off. Pedro hung onto the goat's butt like a demented pit-bull. Dave was screaming, "Let go man, it's a goat."

  From the dark an angry voice shouted, "Hey!"

  Pedro looked up just in time to see a large rock just before it smacked him in the face.

  Chapter 5—Bonita

  Pedro woke with a pounding headache. He was lying on a clean bed of straw in a small white room. The bright morning sun was coming through an open window. Sitting by the door was the most beautiful Chihuahua Pedro had ever seen, with beautiful big brown eyes, shiny brown fur, and a perfect wet nose.

  "Are you an angel?" he asked quietly.

  The Chihuahua looked up surprised "N…n…n…no," she stammered. "My name is Bonita."

  "What a beautiful name," Pedro said. He began to rise, rubbing a paw over his throbbing head. "It is a pleasure to meet you. My name is Pedro."

  Bonita got to her feet "Papá ... Papá come quickly. El Chupacabra is awake," she shouted.

  "El Chupawhatnow?" Pedro said, confused.

  The Chihuahua came closer and pointed a paw at Pedro. "Papá and Señor Hables caught you last night trying to eat our goat."

  "Oh, that," Pedro said a little embarrassed. "I can explain that. I drank some loco cactus that made my head go weird, and I thought it was a giraffe."

  "I heard you were crazy. Papá ... Papá," Bonita called again.

  "I'm not crazy. Dave will tell you. It was the cactus."

  “Dave!” He shouted, but Dave was busy snoring.

  "Who is this Dave? There is no one else here. You are crazy," Bonita edged closer to the door.

  Just then it burst open. Bonita's Papá came barging in "Get back, foul beast," the older Chihuahua growled.

  Pedro backed away. "What's going on?"

  "What's going on? I will tell you what is going on El Chupacabra. I caught you in the act of sucking my goat."

  "I already explained that," Pedro interrupted, but the Chihuahua bared his teeth and continued shouting.

  "I am the Mayor of Santa Maria, and I have only spared you as this is our way. We live in peace and respect one another here. How dare you come here and suck our goats."

  Pedro lowered his head “I am very sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. Please let me make it up to you somehow.”

  The mayor paused and gave it some thought. “Our town could possibly use the help of El Chupacabra. If you agree to help us. We may give you a second chance. But if not, I will have you locked away for good!”

  With that he pushed Bonita out of the room, locking the door behind them.

  "And they think I’m crazy. Dave, wake up!" he yelled.

  "Hey, don't shout. My head is killing me," Dave answered in a groggy voice.

  "We're in trouble. We are being held prisoner by a mad mayor and his crazy but beautiful daughter." Pedro went over to the window to find an escape route. The window, looking out over a town square, was high up—too high to climb out.

  Pedro looked out over Santa Maria, the entire town was made out of giant cactuses with windows and doors cut into them. Milling about were all kinds of animals, going about their daily business—owls, porcupines, tortoises and armadillos.

  “Wow” Pedro said wide eyed.

  "Yeah, it’s pretty cool, hey?" Dave said, getting ready for breakfast.

  "Ouch..." Pedro scratched his head. "Look, they keep calling me El Chupacabra. What does that mean?"

  Dave jumped at the name. "EL Chupacabra!" he shouted. "Aye, aye, yay, this is not good."

  "Why? What is it?" Pedro asked.

  Dave started to explain. "El Chupacabra is a hideously ugly blood-sucking monster that eats goats. El Chupacabra means goat sucker!" Dave jumped down from Pedro's head onto the window sill. "In the village I lived in as a small child, El Chupacabra used to come at night to suck the goats and terrify everyone with his hideous ugliness. The old women of the village used to gather to sing about it." Dave cleared his throat. "Ahem." He got his guitar ready.

  El Chupacabra is the fruit of the Devil.

  He is completely, completely evil.

  He'll steal your children and eat your cat,

  But it is much, much worse than that.

  He hides in dark places under your bed.

  He'll suck your goats until they are dead

  And then he'll ...

  "Whoa, whoa," Pedro interrupted. "You mean to say that Bonita thinks I am some kind of monster?"

  "Yes, a hideously ugly, goat-sucking monster."

  Pedro put his head in his paws. He couldn't believe it, the first girl he had ever met thought he was a hideous monster.

  "I need to tell Bonita the truth," Pedro said. "Her father said they needed help. I will help them in any way I can."

  "What do think they want you to do?" Dave asked.

  "I don't know," Pedro said scratching the side of his head and looked out over the town. "Look there, in the middle of the square, they are digging a well." Pedro pointed to a half-built well with a pile of dirt next to it. "That must be what he meant. Every town needs a well. I will show Bonita what a good digger I am, and then she will like me." Pedro carefully picked Dave up and put him back on his head, then lay back down and spent the morning thinking of Bonita and his pounding headache.

  Chapter 6—Poor Nigel

  Around midday Bonita came in carrying a small pale of water. Pedro stayed on his bed trying his best not to frigh
ten her. "I am not a monster,"

  Bonita placed the water on the floor next to the bed "Try telling that to Nigel,"

  Pedro was confused. "Nigel?"

  "Our goat! Papá has been up half the night with him. Nigel just sits there rocking backwards and forwards saying, "El Chupacabra" over and over again. He hasn't blinked in eight hours, not once."

  "I am really sorry about that," Pedro said, ashamed. "I wasn't going suck his blood or anything. Let me make it up to you. Let me help your town, and you will see that I am not the monster you think I am."

  "You will help us?" Bonita said, surprised.

  "Yes, I have made a fool of myself, and this is the least I can do."

  Bonita began to cry. "Thank you, oh, thank you, that means so much to me. I must tell Papá. He will be very, very happy. He will tell the townsfolk, and they will be very, very happy, too." Bonita licked Pedro on the cheek and ran out of the room.

  Pedro was stunned.

  "Wow! What a weirdo." Dave said. "By the time you dig that well, she will want to get married or something."

  Pedro just sat there with a silly look on his face and his tongue hanging out.

  Chapter 7—The Town Meeting

  Word got around that the mayor had caught El Chupacabra, and everyone gathered for the town meeting. The crowd chatted excitedly under the balcony of the mayor's cactus house. "I hear he is so ugly, if you look at him, you will turn to stone," said an aardvark.

  "I heard that his eyes glow red in the dark and that he is completely insane," said a squirrel in reply.

  "I heard he ate his own fluffing mother," a frightened looking owl said.

  The mayor came out and called for quiet. "Yes, it is true I have captured El Chupacabra," The crowd gasped in horror. The mayor carried on "I have to report that El Chupacabra is ... well, not as bad or as crazy as you may have heard. In fact he seems rather nice."

  The crowd started murmuring loudly, and the mayor called for quiet again. "I am pleased to say that El Chupacabra has agreed to help us"

  The crowd couldn't believe it. They all started shouting questions at once, and the mayor called for calm once more. "I will bring El Chupacabra out to meet you all shortly, but first questions. One at a time though, please."

  A large tortoise towards the back raised a front leg.

  "Yes, Señor Tortoise," the mayor said.

  "Will El Chupacabra steal my children?" he asked.

  "No, no of course not" the mayor assured him.

  "Will he eat my cat?" an aardvark shouted.

  The mayor looked unsure and turned to where Pedro was waiting. "Will you be eating any cats?" he asked from the corner of his mouth.

  "No!" an indignant Pedro said.

  The mayor turned to the gathered town. "There will be no cat eating." A small ripple of applause broke out.

  An owl put up his wing.

  "One last question," the mayor said.

  "Is it true that El Chupacabra sucks goats?"

  The mayor looked down and slowly nodded his head. "Yes, yes, it is true," he said.

  Pedro’s cheeks burned in embarrassment.

  "BUT," the mayor shouted above the chatter, "you will all be pleased to know that Nigel is feeling much better now, and the doctor is sure that he will be able to blink again soon. He is none the worse for the sucking that he got."

  Then the mayor gestured to Pedro. "And here he is, the one, the only El Chu-pa-cabra! Who also likes to be known as Pedro."

  Pedro stepped out onto the balcony.

  "Wave to the crowd," an excited Dave whispered.

  Pedro gave an uneasy wave and said, "I have come to help you." The crowd erupted, cheering and whooping with joy. Pedro kept waving.

  Dave was jumping up and down on Pedro's head. "Haha," he shouted, "this town is nuts! They are crazy over this well."

  "Wells are important," Pedro said, enjoying the attention.

  The mayor called for silence again. "I declare today to be El Chupacabra Day, and tonight we will have a big fiesta with Pedro as the guest of honour." The crowd went doubly wild, and everyone, everyone was deliriously happy.

  Chapter 8—The Fiesta

  The dusty town square was decorated with strings of desert flowers and prickly pears. A long table carved from a dried cactus stood at the centre. Señor Hables a middle aged anteater was running around catching locusts with his long sticky tongue, before skewering them onto sticks that he placed onto an open fire to cook. The whole town was there, and they greeted Pedro warmly, thanking him for helping them.

  Dave had decided that with so many furry animals around he should keep quiet for the evening for fear of being swatted. Pedro was happy to make small talk with the townspeople, but was keeping an eye out for Bonita. He was determined to tell her about the mistaken identity and tomorrow he would start digging the well to show her what a good dog he really was.

  When Bonita arrived, Pedro excused himself from the aardvark that he had been chatting with and went straight over to her. "You look fantastic,"

  "Why thank you, Pedro," Bonita said, fluttering her eye lashes.

  The mayor climbed onto the table to get everyone's attention. "Animals and avians, if you would kindly take your places Señor Hables tells me the food is almost ready."

  Pedro took his place as guest of honor between the mayor and Bonita. "Pedro, let me get you a drink," the mayor said, pushing over a bowl of water. “It has been a long time since our town has had something to celebrate. After dinner we have music, Señor Squirrel is a wonderful singer, and there will be as many locusts as you can eat.

  “Locusts?” Pedro said.

  “Yes, Santa Maria is famous for its roasted locusts, it is our speciality. They are attracted to firelight so there is plenty to eat.”

  Pedro shuddered as the freshly roasted locusts arrived, then turned to Bonita. "Perhaps later you could show me around your wonderful town?”

  Bonita smiled. "I would love to, Pedro,"

  The mayor, Bonita, and Pedro happily chatted throughout the meal, and then listened to Señor Squirrel sing a wonderful rendition of La Bamba. When Señor Squirrel had finished, Pedro and Bonita stood and excused themselves.

  “My father founded Santa Maria three years ago” Bonita said as they began their walk “My parents and I were abandoned in the Desert by our masters. My mother was unwell and didn’t make it...the sun was too much for her and we couldn’t find water.”

  “I am sorry” Pedro said.

  Bonita took a deep breath and continued “Señor Hables found us soon after we had buried her, we were near death ourselves. He brought us here for was food and water. When Papá saw the giant cactus, he decided there and then to make it not only our home, but a haven for all animals, lost, abandoned or just wanting a better way of life, he named it Santa Maria after my mother.

  “Your father is a great dog”

  Pedro stopped Bonita and looked her in the eyes; he needed to tell her the truth. "Bonita I need to..." Just then a bell started ringing, someone screamed, and a squirrel started shouting, "Banditos, banditos, the banditos are coming."

  Pedro looked around "Quick, hide. The banditos are coming." But through all the commotion Bonita had not heard. She gave him a quick lick. "You are so brave," she said.

  "What?" Pedro yelled as everyone ran to hide.

  "When you have taken care of the banditos, our town can get back to normal, and we will be happy again. Good luck, Pedro."

  "Who are these banditos?" he demanded.

  "They work for the Lizard King—Gary Gecko and his gang. They come once a week to take food and supplies. If they keep coming, we will not have enough once the locust season ends. But now you are here, we will be okay. They will be no match for El Chupacabra."

  As the truth of the situation dawned on Pedro, he barely noticed Bonita running off. When he looked round, Pedro and Dave were alone.

  "Hey, I think she really likes you," Dave said.

  "Great, I find a girl who d
oesn't think I'm the ugliest dog in the world just before I die at the hands of a blood-thirsty gang of banditos."

  "Don't worry about it. You are El Chupacabra," Dave said

  "But I'm not," Pedro said staring toward the edge of town as the banditos came into sight.

  "Yeah, but they don't know that, and you are the bravest dog in Mexico," Dave said moving towards Pedro's ear. "I have a plan."

  Chapter 9—Banditos

  There were ten lizards that rode into town that night, each one meaner looking than the next. Eight were riding on big black hairy tarantulas, with another two riding on a canvas covered wagon pulled by four massive rats. They rode hard, kicking up a mighty dust cloud, whooping and a hollering as they came. When they got to the town square, they pulled their tarantulas to a halt.

  "What is that?" Gary Gecko shouted, seeing Pedro standing there bold as brass.

  "Dunno, boss, but it sure is ugly," a lizard mounted on a particularly nasty looking spider replied.

  "Hey, butt-face,” Gecko called out, "you must be as dumb as you are ugly, standing in our way like that. Now git before we set our spiders on yer."

  Pedro moved towards the lizard gang.

  "Now remember what I said Pedro, act real crazy," Dave whispered as Pedro got closer.

  "Phew! Man you are so ugly. You'd make an onion cry," Gecko said, and the lizard gang started laughing.

  "Hey, you are so ugly, when you was born, the doctor slapped your mother," a thin lizard on the wagon shouted. The lizards laughed so much they almost fell off their spiders.

  Pedro stood there and waited. When the laughter died down a little, he said, "Okay, who's first?"

  Gary Gecko sneered. "First for what boy?"

  "First to have their brains sucked by El Chupacabra!" Pedro said, then howled at the moon with a crazy look in his eye. "Hoooooooooooo-wooow-wooooo."

  The lizards' eyes went wide in terror. "El ... El ... El Chupacabra?" Gary stammered, the color draining from his face. "We did not know it was you," he said, trying to smile.