"Like I said, I know you want a child of your own, but Roman? Seriously, G.? I mean, he's not even suitable to wipe his own ass let alone make a baby with anyone. Please tell me you're joking about this whole thing because if you’re not, I might be forced to call the loony bin and have you committed."
"I know I haven't seen him since high school, but he didn't seem all that bad then."
"Oh, you have no idea." A deep chuckle tumbles from Sadie’s lips. “And high school was a million years ago. People change, and Roman has changed exponentially. Like, that bastard did a three-sixty in no time flat. Seriously, rethink this insane idea of yours. Roman’s got a whole lot of issues that I’m pretty sure you won’t want any part of.”
"Then why don't you tell me,” I reply, refusing to give up on the subject. “Because from what I can remember, Roman Blake was pretty rad back in the day.”
I watch my friend disappear from the kitchen only to come back a few moments later with a picture frame in her hand. Sitting down in front of me, Sadie places the frame upside down and runs her hands through her hair.
"First of all, we’ll just pretend that you did not just use the word rad and second, remember when I told you that Roman went through a bad spot a couple years back with that troll he was with? You know the one that took him for everything he had?”
"Yeah, I remember.”
"Okay, well there’s more to that story than you know. Let’s just say that my cousin went off the deep end a few times over. He’s not the same guy he used to be. He’s changed," she replies with an indifferent expression on her face.
"And that's a problem, why? I mean, I can deal with change and maybe a little out there." I shrug my shoulders because I’m only aiming to get one thing from the man. “All I want is his baby batter and then I’ll be on my way.”
“Are you even listening to yourself right now? You sound like a mad woman who’s lost her ever-loving mind.”
When Sadie’s nervous she starts biting on her thumbnail-much like she's doing now, and it’s kind of freaking me out because I still don’t get it.
"He’s changed a little. So what? I mean, I’ve changed too since the last time I saw him. What? Did he grow a third nipple? Sprout an extra nut sack?”
"The best way for me to describe it is if I show you. And don’t say that I didn’t warn your ass."
After an awkward smile, Sadie flips over the picture frame, studies it, cringes a little and then quickly hands it over to me. I take a look-a long hard look. What the hell is it?
"Who is this?"
Sadie cocks a perfectly groomed brow and stares me right in the eye, pointing at the stranger in the photo. "That, my dear friend, is my cousin. Sasquatch."
The word Sasquatch plays on repeat as I continue to stare wide-eyed at the picture. What the hell? I can’t even begin to imagine that being Roman. He looks bad. The last time I saw Roman Blake he was hot. Not like, “Oh, he’s kind of cute,” kind of hot. No. The dude was absolutely gorgeous. He always has been. As a matter-of-fact, the entire Blake family is stunning to look at. Back in high school, all the girls wanted him and all the guys wanted to be him. Oh, and let's not forget the 'Cougars' in town. Yeah, they did a happy dance every time that boy walked down the street.
Roman Blake was an All-American boy, captain of the football team, absolutely adored by his peers and he knew it, too. Even when he graduated from college, Roman was still the guy. The man was born into a long line of beautiful, smart and amazing people.
"You’re joking, right?" I ask, unsure that I even want an answer. "Are you trying to tell me that the man in this photo is your fuck-hot cousin? This bushy-bearded, feral looking mountain man is your delicious cousin? Yeah, right. I don’t buy it.”
That’s not even possible.
“Have you taken up smoking weed again? Cause if that’s Roman Blake then my ass has truly lost touch with reality.”
I continue to stare at the photo when Daisy rounds the corner.
"I’m waiting," she informs Sadie and then goes into drama queen mode. “I’m so hungry.”
Sadie pulls Daisy to her side and gives her a big hug.
"I tell you what, Gia," she says, sitting Daisy on her lap. "We'll take a trip to see Roman but just be forewarned, you're in for a shocking treat."
I still don’t get it.
"And we need to bring…" Sadie starts, covering Daisy’s little ears as she leans in and whispers, "…a shitload of Lysol."
Chapter 3
Chewbacca and the Hillbillies
-Gia-
Sadie won't shut up. Her mouth is running a mile a minute. It keeps going and going and going. Personally, I would love nothing more than to shove a dirty sock in her word trap right about now.
"Maybe you're going through a mid-life crisis. You're still young, but it's possible," she says as we speed down the freeway.
Daisy stayed home with David who I might add tried his damnedest to change Sadie’s mind about this impromptu road trip. The words he kept using were 'hygiene’ and ‘uncouth'. Who the hell uses the word uncouth anymore? But Sadie reassured him that she was prepared, armed, and ready. She was not kidding, folks.
"Before we get there please use the hand sanitizer I gave you," she says, and if I didn’t know any better I’d be convinced that she might have bathed in the crap this morning. “Protect all your bits and pieces, G.”
I huff in frustration because no one person can be that bad. "Why don't you just tell me what the big deal is?"
She shakes her head and white-knuckles the steering wheel. "Let's just say that the shit has hitith the fanith for my dear cousin and quite honestly, I have no idea how he’s dealt with himself for so long. Like I said conventional childbearing methods would work out a whole hell of a lot better than this."
Maybe she's right about “conventional methods”. Then again, maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis and the desire to have a baby has been fueled by said crisis. Whatever. It is what it is and I’m going to have a baby even if it means fuckin’ a Sasquatch.
Three hours into the drive and a long dirt road later, Sadie announces, "Shit. We're here."
I must have nodded off because as soon as I open my eyes my verbal filter fails me.
"What in the actual fuck?"
Someone’s punking me. I'm sure of it. Either I'm being punked or I'm in an old episode of The Twilight Zone. A few junked out trucks sit in various spots in the front of the property, wasting away from time, rust and weather. There are dead rose bushes planted against some fencing near the house. The house itself is another story. Brown and run down, it looks like it’s sitting at a slant with a porch that’s half attached to the siding of the home. The windows are a complete mess with torn screens. The rain gutters have detached from the monstrosity, and the shit brown paint is badly decayed. I notice a black hound dog sitting on the dilapidated porch, looking just as sad as the house itself with his ears in full flop mode. Even strangers pulling into the driveway don't make the furry guy bark.
"Who lives like this?" I mutter. My eyes are wide as I stare out the window.
"Sasquatch." Sadie cringes as she vigorously applies sanitizer on her skin all the way up to her elbows. "This is the home of Roman 'Sasquatch' Blake."
Before I can even come up with a smart-ass reply, the front door swings open and hits the side wall of the house. The hound dog jumps right along with Sadie. We’re both still as stone. My eyes are super glued in the direction of the front door when I see a figure step out. It's him. The color of his jet black hair and that crazy cowlick is a dead giveaway. He walks out, taking the front steps two at a time, and that's when the cringing begins. My eyes go wide. Maybe I should rethink this jizz collection business after all.
What the ever-loving fawk?
His hair is a bit longer. It resembles a mop-a seriously fucked up mop. A furry beast has clearly taken up residence on his face. Where a sharp, chiseled jaw line and plump kissable lips used to be is now covered up by
a wild, ungroomed beard. The t-shirt he's wearing is ripped in various spots while his blue jeans are covered in dried mud and dirt. His boots are unlaced and grungy. He's a mess. He's also pissed. It’s clearly obvious as he stalks up to Sadie’s car. His brows are furrowed, and the menacing scowl on his face doesn't go unnoticed. Before I can even process the situation a loud roar rips from his chest.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”
I'm convinced that there's something mentally wrong with Roman Blake. There has to be. Maybe he's had a nervous breakdown. That could explain his mangled appearance. Maybe he’s become a hermit, hiding from the world behind these mountains and hills.
I just stare at him as he stands next to Sadie’s side of the car. He doesn't acknowledge me. I'm kind of thankful for that because I seriously want to crawl up my own asshole and hide.
"What the hell, Sadie?" I whisper-yell because I seriously have no clue what the fuck’s going on. "What's wrong with him?"
It's almost like that scene from the movie Cujo-the one where the rabid dog attacks the poor mom and her little boy in their car. I cringe at the thought of Roman foaming from the mouth, but this person is not the Roman Blake I remember. That Roman Blake was hot. This Roman Blake is a fucking mess.
"Shit, he looks like Chewbacca," Sadie all but chokes out.
Our attention is diverted when a dirty, muddy quad rounds the corner of the house. A lanky man, donning a full-on mullet, is driving while a large redheaded woman rides bitch behind him with a beer planted firmly in her grip.
"Jesus, it's Hillbilly Nation up in this bitch.” Okay, it's just my imagination, but whatever. This is some seriously messed up shit. I lean in close to Sadie. "Mind telling me why the fuck Roman looks like he wants to rip our heads off?"
"I told you. He’s gone whack job," she grumbles, not even attempting to get out of the car. “Motherfucker is mucho loco with a capital M and a whole lotta loco.”
"Sadie?” Roman’s voice is a combination of surprise and humor as he bends forward and squints to get a better look inside the car. “What the hell are you doing here and who the fuck is that?”
My heart thuds against my chest when I hear that familiar silky smooth voice.
When Sadie presses the button for the window to roll down, she swallows hard with one hand gripping the steering wheel. As soon as the window is down about two inches, an uncomfortable smile tugs at the corners of her mouth, making her look like she has to push out a mondo crap. “Hey, Roman. You’re looking good,” she replies almost painfully. I watch her swallow hard again. “How ya been?”
“Hey, Roman, nothin’,” he replies while pointing a stiff finger in my direction. “What the hell are you doing here and who the fuck is that?”
"Sadie?" I look at her as she shakes her head. "He’s gonna break that damn window open and claw us both to death."
“I told you he’s lost his fucking mind. He moves out here to the sticks and turns into a goddamn Yeti,” she whispers before turning her attention back to her cousin and proceeds to speak through the small opening of her window while pointing over at me. “Remember Gia? My friend, Gia? Well, that’s Gia.”
Now I'm pissed and intrigued all at the same time and without thinking my body reacts. As soon as I exit the car and my feet touch the ground, Roman is hovering over me and his expression changes. I smell alcohol on his breath.
Have you ever been so scared that you felt the urge to vomit on the spot? Yeah, well, that's me right about now as my stomach lurches and coils. The last time I felt this nauseous was when I rode the Zipper at the county fair. Needless to say as soon as I got off that seriously messed up ride I was tossing my cookies face first inside of a trash can.
When I take a chance and look up I almost wished I hadn’t.
Roman’s relentless. He has me trapped against the car, his arms encasing me on either side. His nostrils are flared and expanded to their limit. "Who. Are. You?" he asks, closing in on my personal space. He really doesn't remember me.
My heart rate speeds up as the heady smell of alcohol on his breath washes over my face. I try not to look up into his eyes but it's hard. They’re still the same baby blues I used to get lost in years ago.
"I'm Gia.” My voice is unfamiliar even to me as it cracks and shakes. “Gia Avery. Sadie’s best friend. We went to school together. Remember?"
Roman’s expression changes as he narrows his eyes. I watch as they roam up and down my body. He drags his tongue across his bottom lip, brushing against the bushy rodent attached to his face. He sucks in a deep breath when his eyes catch sight of my lip between my teeth. I'm worried. He hasn't said anything. I bite down even harder and flinch as he reaches up and pulls my lip from between my teeth. I look up into his eyes. They've changed. They're softer.
"Ah, yeah. I remember you now. Been a long time, but I remember you.” He closes the space between us, one side of his mouth turning up into a devious little smirk. He leans in closer to me and my body takes notice. "Well, if it isn’t little Gia Avery and her tight little ass. You look good-real, real good.”
"You alright over there, Rome?"
I quickly whip my head to the side, forgetting that Roman still has me pinned against Sadie’s car. My attention is cemented on the redheaded Amazon as she glares daggers at me.
"Yep, I'm good," he replies to the scrawny dude on the quad. “Just here with a hot piece of ass.”
"Alright, man," the tobacco spitting man replies with a chuckle. "We're out!"
All too quickly the wheels on the quad spin, leaving dust in its wake. I want so bad to check on Sadie, who I'm certain is shitting her pants right about now, but I can't. I can feel Roman’s heavy, alcohol laced breath hot on my neck. He's so close, and when I chance a look at him, his eyes have darkened a few shades and he's mere inches from my face.
"Why are you here, Gia? Come to get an eyeful of the town joke? The family recluse?" Roman runs a fingertip down the side of my arm, before he scowls. “Well, here I am, baby, in the flesh. All liquored up and ready to fuck if that’s what you want. But if it isn’t, get the fuck out of here because I ain’t got time for family or friendly reunions.”
I draw in a breath. "Why are you mad?"
His jaw clenches. "Just leave. Get back in the car and go home, Gia.”
My heart pounds against my ribcage. I don't want to go. I realize that those feelings I had for him when I was younger, those pesky butterflies, are all too present as they crash and claw at my insides even though he looks like he’s been raised by a pack of rabid dogs. His breath is lingering, hot and heavy near my ear as he whispers, "I have nothing left to give. Just. Go. Home."
I watch his retreating form. I can't let him leave. I stand up straighter, dust off my clothes and take a deep breath before I shout, "Wait!"
His feet continue to move. I huff in frustration because I didn't come here for this shit. My mission was simple. A bit of schmoozing, maybe a few drinks and BAM! Start collecting the 'Super Jizz'. But no, he has to go all wonky on me-all hairy tyrant and shit.
I take in a heavy pull of air before yelling, "Quit being a fuck-head and stop already!"
My feet move before my brain has time to process. Dirt flies up in all different directions as I make my way towards Roman until I feel a thud across my face and chest. His back is hard to the touch. I feel like a complete idiot. I haven't always been graceful and running right into his back proves it as his movements abruptly stop. He turns slowly. Now my face is buried in his chest. I can't move because, really, I'm too fucking scared to. The warmth of his fingertip as it grazes the underside of my chin causes goosebumps to blanket my skin, and when he slowly tilts my face up towards his, I instantly melt. Past the face-fur, grime, and semi-scowl are those beautiful, soulful eyes I remember.
With his brows knit together Roman mutters, "Can’t you take a hint, woman?"
Yes I can, but I don’t want to. I came here for baby batter and that’s what I’m going to get. I just hope my baby doesn
’t come out resembling a hairy baboon.
"Whatever. You should really, really get in that car, Gia," he replies as he looks behind me with a chuckle and a shake of his head. "Too late now."
That's when I hear it-the sound of an engine sputtering to life. When I turn around another fluff of dust kicks up.
And there she goes, folks.
Feeling defeat, I watch my best friend’s Prius zoom away.
“Later, girl!” Sadie shouts as she disappears down the dirt road.
"I'm gonna kill her.” My response is flat as I watch Sadie peel out down the long driveway with her hand waving wildly out the window. “Definitely gonna kill her.”
Roman laughs. "Now that’s some funny shit."
Chapter 4
Does A Bear Shitith in the Woods?
-Gia-
I thought this little trip of ours was going to be simple. Show up, ask the guy for a little spunk, wait for a reply and get on with it. But now? All I can do is stand cemented to the dirt as the dust from Sadie’s car billows around me. Thoughts of slowly killing her play on a steady loop when I suddenly realize that I’m stranded in the middle of nowhere. When I turn around and find that Roman has followed suit and ditched me as well, I start to panic because the only living, breathing thing around me is that old hound dog lying on his back, looking like roadkill on the porch.
Feeling rejected, I slowly make my way up to the dilapidated porch, sit on the rickety porch steps, and stare at the dog.
"How's it going, buddy?" I ask the furry canine. A slow moan seeps from his droopy lips. "Yeah, I feel your pain."
I have no idea how long I've been sitting on the splintered boards when I hear the front door creak open. I don't bother to look up. I know it's him.
"You still here?"
"Yep, just enjoying the view," I reply in a snarky tone. “Nothing like dirt and chaos to get the old blood pumping.”
"When are you leaving? I have shit to do and that doesn’t include entertaining guests."
"Well, ya see, that’s a good question. Sadly, my cell phone is in Sadie’s car which is currently on its way outta Hell." I lean forward and bury my head between my legs. “Right along with my purse, my credit cards, cash, and my driver’s license. So, I’d say that I’m pretty fuckered at the moment.”
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