Sperm Donor Wanted

by S. L. Romines

  "Won't your husband or boyfriend be worried about you?" Roman asks, clearing his throat.

  "If I had one of those, I wouldn't be here right now," I whisper into my lap.

  "What was that?"

  "I have no boyfriend. I have no husband. No children. No dog, bird, cat or rat." My stomach begins to flip and I can feel tears start to spring up along my lashes. I suddenly feel nauseous. "And as of this very moment, I have no cell phone, no purse, which means no money, no credit cards and no I.D. to take to the bank. So, I'm basically screwed. Anything else you wanna know?"

  Roman’s expression changes as he runs his tongue along his bottom lip and shakes his head. He must think I’m a loser, a pitiful excuse for a woman not having a significant other at my age. I can feel his eyes on me as he stares for what seems like eons as neither of us say a word. When the silence is finally broken, I’m surprised by the offer.

  "I must be out of my goddamned mind." I watch as he looks past the trees that line the driveway. "Come on inside, Gia. We'll get this shit figured out."

  "Do you at least have a phone I can use? I'll call someone to drive out to here to pick me up."

  "Nope."

  "A computer?"

  "Don't have one of those either," he replies.

  I’m getting desperate here, people.

  “A flare gun?” I look around at my surroundings with my arms stretched out at my sides. “There is no way that you cannot have a flare gun living out here in the sticks, my friend. This place looks like something out of a horror movie.”

  Roman graces me with his version of resting bitch face.

  "Well, do you at least have indoor plumbing?" If this man thinks I’m going to piss under a tree or drop a deuce in the woods, we're going have us a really big problem.

  “There might be a clean outhouse around here somewhere.”

  I shake my head at his lack of modern conveniences as I get up off my butt and enter the house. It’s not as bad as the outside. It looks lived in, homey, comfortable. There's actually not much to the small place. An old side table greets guests in the front entryway. Nope. No phone there. As we walk further, reaching the living room, I notice a brown, worn-out couch sitting against a far wall with an end table housed against it.

  "You live here?"

  A funny look crosses Roman’s face when his brow cocks to a sharp point.

  "The guy on the quad lives here."

  "And the woman?"

  "Jennifer, his girlfriend. But everyone calls her Big Jen."

  "So, where do you live?"

  An audible sigh rolls from his lips as he nods in the direction of the back door. "C'mon."

  "You live in the woods?" I ask, following Roman out through the backdoor. There's nothing back here but a barbecue pit, some chairs and a table. If he shows me an underground bunker or a fucked up old tree house, I'm out.

  He chuckles and shrugs. "Maybe."

  I continue to follow blindly behind him, stumbling every few feet over branches and tall grass that have taken over the large yard.

  "So, what up’s with this?" I ask, waving my hands around him.

  Roman’s footfalls slow as he reaches a large gate. He turns to me then, his brows creased in the middle, and asks, "Have you ever had everything you've ever wanted ripped right out of your hands? Have you ever been so happy one day and so ungodly miserable the next?"

  I nod my head because I do know the feeling. I lost both of my parents to a fatal car accident. It feels like having your soul violently sucked right out of you. Everything about that day broke me. It’s been like nothing I’d ever felt before and everything I never wanted to feel ever again.

  "Everything. I had everything I’d ever wanted. It was mine. I held that shit in the palms of my hands until one day I woke up and it was all gone. Just like that it was all ripped away from me." Roman’s eyes are trained on a thicket alongside the house as he goes into an explanation. "So when I was left with nothing, I said fuck it and left whatever else I had behind and came out here. My entire family gave up a long time ago. Even Sadie thinks I’m a big, fucking joke. But if I’m being honest, I don’t give a shit. Not anymore. I’m happy now, and everybody else can just kiss my fucking ass."

  "I don't understand." I wrap my arms around myself instantly feeling awkward. Not to mention scared shitless that I might end up face down, ass up and mauled by a bear or two.

  Roman blows out a heavy breath. "I was engaged, Gia. Everything was perfect. I had it all. I came home from work one evening and that bitch was gone. She cleaned out my bank account, took the cars and wiped out the safe. My house looked like someone had broken in and ransacked the fuck out of it. My entire life and everything I built for my future, the future of our family, was gone."

  "And this is a reason to turn all Wooly Mammoth?" I lift my brows and cast my gaze down the front of him. “You look like shit, Roman, and no nasty bitch is worth losing yourself over.”

  Roman lifts his arm in the air and takes a long whiff under his arm. “Pits smell pretty damn good.”

  My stomach knots up and I feel sick. I momentarily rethink the reason why I showed up here in the first place. When I chance a look at Roman, I almost wish that I hadn’t as he motions to a 4-wheeler that's parked just behind the gate. It's full of mud, grunge and who knows what else.

  "What?" I ask incredulously, looking between him and the machine.

  "Get on.”

  "I'm not getting on that thing," I say, shaking my head.

  Arguing my case as to why I can’t and won't ride on the Death Machine from Hell does me no good because ten minutes later I’m squished up against Roman’s back with my arms wrapped tightly around his chest as he takes each bump with gusto. My eyes are glued shut. I still have no idea where we’re headed. I try to figure out why my idiot body feels so compelled to follow this angry man as my nipples begin to perk up every time we hit a bump and my chest rubs against his back. I mentally facepalm myself because Sadie was right about Roman, and apparently my insanity meter just kicked up a notch. I remember when I was a young, stupid teenager always pining away over him. He was such a good-looking guy. But this? This hairy man-beast look he's sporting? He seriously needs an extreme intervention, complete with a shaving kit, hair clippers and quite possibly a weed whacker.

  My brain is stuck on auto-pilot when the 4-wheeler begins to slow. I detach my face from Roman’s back and look up. I’m in absolute awe when I look over at a gorgeous custom log home.

  "This is beautiful. Who lives here?"

  With my hands still wrapped around Roman’s waist, I feel him sigh. "I do."

  "You live here?" I reply, pointing toward the beautiful, rustic palace.

  This has got to be a joke.

  "You surprised?" He cocks a furry lopsided grin at me as he climbs off the death trap. "What? Did you think I lived in a damn tree?"

  I try not to cackle my ass off as he offers me his hand. Suddenly I'm closer to him as he pulls me almost flush against his chest. I can feel his breath on my face.

  "You really shouldn't judge a book by its cover, Gia."

  I'm beginning to think he's right as I follow him up the steps that lead to the front door of the amazing home. As he opens the door and steps aside, allowing me entry, my feet stop. Something doesn't add up.

  "I don't get it. Why the façade? That house back there," I say, jabbing my thumb behind me.

  Another smile plays on Roman’s face. "You haven't changed, have you? Still nosey as ever."

  I don't get a chance to respond when Roman enters the home, leaving me standing on the porch still in shock. I follow after him, picking up my step when I remember that the backwoods duo is out there somewhere riding into the muddy beyond.

  "Holy fuck," I mutter as I quickly enter the house and shut the door behind me.

  The entryway is breathtaking, and the staircase looks like it’s been intricately carved out of old pieces of wood. When I enter the living room the fireplace catches my atte
ntion. It looks a lot of time and effort went into building the massive stone piece. The wood that surrounds the area is smooth as I run my finger over the surface. The open expanse of the room is inviting and comfortable. My eyes trail along the space, never seeing anything this gorgeous before in my entire life. Then a thought hits me. Roman looks like something out of the Stone Age, sans the wooden club, but he lives in such a beautiful home.

  "Still so beautiful."

  I jump a bit and turn around to find him leaning against the door frame.

  "Yeah, your house is definitely beautiful," I reply.

  He bows his head and chuckles lightly. "Yeah, okay."

  "So?" I clasp my hands together and look around. "No phone?"

  "Nope."

  "I guess it’s going be a long walk back home."

  I don't give him a chance to speak as I walk past, suddenly feeling a sense of defeat. When I try to squeeze between him and the wall, he doesn't budge. My arm lightly touches his and a flicker of heat lights up my skin. Roman’s arm slowly creeps up as his hand grips the door frame, successfully stopping me.

  A heavy grumble slithers up his chest and he asks in a low tone, "You leaving?"

  "Yes." My reply is ragged at best, and all the proverbial butterflies start to descend.

  Roman drops his arm and moves mere inches from me, allowing me enough room to pass. When I reach the front door, I put my hand out and grasp the knob, pulling it open. As my feet move down the front steps my heart screams for me to run back inside the house and back to Roman Blake. Back to the boy I once had a crush on. Back to the reason I came here in the first place, and as soon I reach the last step the front door swings open.

  "Or you could stay."

  I open and close my mouth a few times but nothing, absolutely nothing comes out. Roman isn't the same person he was the last time I saw him. Hell, neither am I. However, I didn't let myself fall so far into the depression cesspool that I now resemble a fucking Yeti. But ultimately, I know my purpose for coming here. I need jizz, little swimmers, funky spunk, a little protein shake, some pecker spit. Whatever you want to call it that's why I'm here. I know that if I look past the fur, which I might add is totally freaking me out, and the off the charts anger issues I could accomplish getting the love liquid very quickly. I bite my lip, a bad habit I've had since I was a kid, and look up at the man I want to help me produce a mini human. He's standing there with his arms stretched out to his sides as his hands grip the door frame. I can't help but wonder if a tiny rodent might jump out from underneath his bushy beard and attack me. Hell, I'd try to jump from that scary, hairy mess too. My feet dance on top of the dirt, making small patterns as my brain and my heart fight to make a decision. Before I can speak, an all too familiar rumble flies up the dirt road. It's the Backwoods Quad King from earlier today making another grand appearance, wearing nothing but a pair of dirty overalls and crusty combat boots.

  "Yo, Rome!" the Quad King yells. "The farrier’s here. Didn't know he was coming today. Whatya want me to tell him?"

  The Quad King tosses me a wink and I throw up a bit in my mouth. Disgusting.

  Roman looks over at me as I chew on the inside of my cheek. "Tell him I'll be right there."

  With another puke inducing wink and a toothy smile the Quad King drives off into the muddy beyond and I'm left standing here wondering what in the blazing shits I’m gonna do.

  Chapter 5

  Chaps and Chew

  -Gia-

  "My truck's out of commission but I can see if Marley can drive you into town when she comes by later today. Until then, feel free to stick around," Roman says, walking toward me.

  “Who’s Marley?”

  "My housekeeper."

  Hold up. Roman looks like a Yeti, kinda smells like yesterday, but he has a housekeeper? Oh yeah, and this beautiful house? I don't get a chance to answer him or ask one of the million questions I have running through my head as he walks past me and hops on his own dirty quad, and for a minute I weigh out the situation. Not only do I need to get back to my own house, but there's my job at the magazine. But then there’s that golden nugget. That diamond in the wiry Briar Patch O’ Love. The proverbial golden ticket. That elusive bucket of baby batter at the end of that sticky, icky spermy rainbow. The crème de la crème of all that is baby making goodness right there nestled in his golden peen. And just as my brain decides to go into weirdo overdrive, the roar of the dirty death trap snaps me back from my mental shit parade.

  "You coming, Gia?"

  I take a deep breath and my feet start to move. Tossing my leg over the side of the quad, I hold on tight. I wrap my arms around Roman’s chest and lace my fingers together, smashing myself against his back. When we start to move I watch the trees zip past us. When Roman hits the gas, I silently say a prayer to any entity that will listen. It doesn’t take us long to reach a large red barn behind his house, and when the noise of the quad stops I hear a loud thumping. I turn my head around to face the sound.

  "They’re beautiful." The mixture of colors zips past me in a blur. "Are they yours?"

  "Every last one of them," Roman replies, resting his elbows on the handlebars.

  "Wait, you own a horse ranch?"

  "Sure do."

  My mind is a bucket of questions and disbelief. "This is truly amazing, Roman."

  As he slips off the quad, he offers his hand to me. "C'mon."

  I follow Roman without hesitation still in awe of all the little revelations he’s tossed out in front of me. If he’s just told me what his life was really like from the moment I got here, I would’ve never believed him without seeing everything firsthand.

  "So what exactly do you do here?"

  "Well, most of these guys are here for boarding, except for the few cows around here," he says, pointing to the various horses and a couple cows grazing near the barn. "The rest of the horses are here for training."

  "Training?"

  "Jen, the redhead you saw back at the house, she gives riding lessons to the local families in the area who can't afford to pay for lessons for their kids."

  "So, you just give horseback riding lessons for free?"

  "Well, not really for free," he says, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Most of the kids work here during the summers. They help take care of the horses, clean up after them, feed and groom them.”

  "You make them do this?" I ask.

  "Gia, I would do all this for these kids even if they didn't help out around here.” A small smile plays on Roman’s mouth as he stares at the beautiful animals. “It's not about the money for me. It never has been. It’s more about them learning a sense of responsibility."

  I don't respond, letting the information sink in. The same information that now makes Roman Blake seem like a saint because back in the day it was about the money for him, considering his family was swimming in it.

  "So why the caveman look?" I ask, with my best serious face firmly intact. "You look like a damn grizzly bear."

  Roman smiles at my description of him as our feet begin to move closer to the barn but his expression quickly changes as he starts to scratch at his scruffy beard. It momentarily makes me feel bad about the comment I made.

  "I dunno. I guess I just haven't had to impress anyone. Until now that is," he says, and I can feel his eyes on me.

  My heart thumps hard against my chest, and I wonder if he really believes that he has to impress me. I mean, take a shower at least, but impress me?

  "It's time to get to work."

  I slow my steps and take a look around me as Roman disappears into the barn. I have never seen anything like this place. I mean, I’ve seen horses before but most of them were on private properties as I passed by them and none of those horses looked as beautiful as these. These are unbelievably stunning animals and very well taken care of. But even as I stop to appreciate the view a silent, unsettling question grabs a hold of me.

  "What am I doing here?" I whisper to myself.

  "I dunno
what the fuck you think you're doing here, Missy, but if you break that man's heart I will kick that pretty, little ass of yours."

  A woman’s harsh voice blares out behind me. When I turn, the scowling face of the redheaded Amazon from earlier is staring at me nearly cross-eyed with her nostrils flared. She’s pissed. Really, really pissed and I have no idea why.

  "Excuse me?" I bite the bullet and ask the question, suddenly feeling the urge to bolt.

  The redhead purses out her lips. "You're that bitch, right?"

  "I don't know who you're talking about," I mutter.

  The redhead is one scary chick. I swear she has to be about six feet and full of ass whoopin’. Her eyes are a piercing jade and her long hair is in a messy fiery red bun on top of her head.

  "You that bitch that fucked him over?" she asks, picking something from between her teeth.

  "No, I’m not. I'm an old friend of his,” I reply without looking directly in her eyes. “I would never do anything to hurt him."

  "We'll see about that now won't we?"

  I notice McScary eye me up and down before she whips around and walks away.

  Yep, I need to find a phone fast. Really, really fast. No amount of super jizz is worth this shit.

  "You okay?"

  I jump a little at the sound of an unfamiliar voice behind me. I swear these people around here need to quick sneaking up on my ass.

  "Whoa! Didn't mean to scare ya." My eyes go wide at the muscle-bound, chaps wearing dude, holding his hands up in the air. "Gia, right?"

  The guy looks a little relieved as I nod my head. "Name's Caleb. A pleasure to meet you, Gia."

  "Same here,” I say, reaching out to shake his hand. “Um, do you know where Roman went?"

  "He's in the arena. C'mon. I’ll show you over there."

  "So, how do you know Roman?" I ask, following beside Caleb who incidentally is really nice and really tall.