Sperm Donor Wanted

by S. L. Romines

  I keep my eyes screwed shut. The anticipation is killing me. I wish he’d touch me like I’m pretty sure he did last night. I want him to do all the nasty things he unleashed on my body just hours ago. I want this. I’m ready.

  "How badly do you want me to show you?"

  My nipples perk and goose bumps break out over my skin at the sheer nearness of Roman and his hot breath as it wafts across my neck.

  "Really, really, bad." I suck in a deep breath. This is fucking torture. “Please just show me.”

  "Keep your eyes closed and don't move," he says, giving me a quick peck on the cheek, causing a shudder to trail across my skin. "Patience, baby.”

  Waiting for what seems like forever, I place my palms on either side of me and feel around for Roman. When I hear a deep chuckle I immediately try to open my eyes.

  “Keep em’ closed,” he responds to my attempt. “I’m almost ready to show you.”

  "Okay, okay, but what's so funny?"

  "Oh, nothing. Just a few more seconds, okay?"

  I sigh because the anticipation’s killing me. I shake my head. What the hell can he be doing? Let’s just say that if he’s getting naked and…

  “Oh, my god! What was that?” I keep my eyes closed as a slow squeaking sound travels around me, resembling a… “Did you just fart?”

  I give up and quickly open my eyes, finding Roman next to me, legs spread eagle and looking content as all get out. A slow smirk spreads along his contorted face. His features are strained at best. The delicious man isn’t looking so delicious anymore when I realize what just happened.

  Oh, God!

  "Why? Can you please explain to me why?"

  Is he pushing?

  The whore covers her nose and gags as she shakes her index finger back and forth. I know how she feels. I slap a hand over my nose and mouth and pray that I’m wrong as a small gust of wind blows in my direction. I notice Roman’s face begin to relax. He throws his arms behind his head, closes his eyes and smiles up at the sun.

  "You," I tell him in a muffled tone because I still have my hand slapped across my nose and mouth, "You’re disgusting!"

  A deep, boisterous laugh rips from his mouth as he clenches his hand over his stomach, ending up in a fit of coughs.

  “Me?” Roman sits up and points to himself. “I’m the disgusting one? Oh no, lady. You need to get your accusations straight.”

  I get up to stand and prop my hands on my hips and glare down at him. "What the hell are you talking about? You just shit your pants! Like, shat! Sharded! You made straight up doo-doo in your pants! And why doesn’t it smell?"

  The smug bastard is still on his back as he shrugs his shoulders as he places his Stetson back on his head and tips it down to cover his eyes.

  "Shit happens when you party naked, baby." Roman’s signature grin is placed firmly back in place. “You let that shit sink in and bask in the ambiance. Besides, it wasn’t a fart. It was this. Trust me, baby, you’d know it if I took a shit, shat sharded or farted.”

  What the hell is he even talking about?

  I look down at the grass and notice the deflated blue balloon he just tossed near my feet. I mentally run last night's events on fast-forward rewind, trying to remember what happened. I remember we went to Dirk’s for a barbecue. Big Jen lent me some of her clothes. Roman and I drank some fruity piss water out of Mason jars. He and I danced a little, and then we…

  Closing my eyes, the events from last night start to come into focus when I see the whore sitting off to the side, pointing an accusatory finger at me. I shake her off and try to remember everything we did.

  Oh. My. God.

  I throw my hands over my face and feel the heat of my own embarrassment start to prickle over my skin. Obviously Roman notices the sheer panic in my face when I hear him click his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

  "Remember now?"

  His voice jolts me from my thoughts. Hot tears start to well up behind my eyelids. Everything about last night floods me, from the dinner to the blazing make-out session on his patio, to...

  "I did that?” My guts start to roll and nausea starts to set in. “Please tell me I didn’t do that for real.”

  The slow smile that spreads across his face is confirmation enough. I spin on my heel and start to bolt for Roman’s house, nearly leaping as I go.

  "Gia!"

  I don't stop.

  "Gia, wait!"

  I move faster, wrapping my arms around myself, when I hear the sound of Roman’s horse coming up behind me. But that's not all I hear or see.

  "Yo, Boss!"

  It's a guy, he's naked and on a quad. What the fuck? Why? I’m in hell, that’s why. Fucking purgatory for all the shitty shit I’ve ever done to people in my lifetime.

  "There's a problem at the stables. Jet’s sick, man!"

  Who the fuck is Jet and, more importantly, why in the hell is that guy riding with his twig and berries flopping in the wind? This is too much for me. All. Of. It. At first I was apprehensive when Sadie and I showed up only because Roman looked like he was going to eat us. And then he takes a damn shower and turns back into the gorgeous Roman Blake hidden under fifty pounds of hair and grime. And now? This? This place is more like a funny farm rather than a damn horse ranch. And let’s not forget the fact that this place must be rubbing off on me. I mean, I apparently fartd in Roman’s face last night.

  I jump when I feel something grip my shoulder. Roman.

  Fuck my life.

  I’m pretty sure the whore just keeled over. Her white flag in the air, waving around as she lies sprawled out on the ground, is a good indicator.

  "I'll be right there," Roman responds to Naked Quad Man.

  I squeeze myself tighter, wishing that I could just start this damn day again. I want a do-over. I call ‘Uncle’ because this shit is going give me fucking hives. I want to be invisible. I want to disappear. Hell, I’d take being swallowed up by a giant black void right about now rather than being caught up in this weirdo parade.

  Roman reaches out with his hand, offering it to me, and there's visible worry in his eyes.

  "Come on, Gia, we need to go."

  Before I know it I’m hoisted back up on the horse, heading off in the direction of the barn.

  The whore is in full pant as she tries desperately to catch up to us.

  Chapter 11

  All Farts Aside

  ~Roman~

  Shit. Maybe I went a little too far. But then again, she wanted to know what happened last night, so I showed her. At least mine wasn’t real. I mean, I could’ve done it but that probably wouldn’t have turned out very well. Bottom line, Gia ripped ass in my face so I felt it was my obligation to show her by returning the favor. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking over there on top of your soap box, and you can go right ahead and think it, too. You should’ve just told her. At least I used a balloon to demonstrate her untimely flatulence problem and not how I originally wanted to give it to her.

  "I'm sorry, Gia." She stays quiet without acknowledging me. "Gia, I said I was sorry. You asked me to show you and I did."

  I watch her shoulders lift as she takes a deep breath. She's pissed. I think. Fuck.

  "No, Roman. I asked you to tell me, but you took it upon yourself to do that," she replies, pointing toward my hand. “You could’ve just told me.”

  “Seriously? You’re going to get this mad about what I did back there?”

  I run back through several years of memories to dredge up the infamous slumber party from hell.

  “Do you remember Sadie’s sweet sixteen party?” I notice Gia’s shoulders shake. “Thought so. Well, I seem to remember a certain girl who thought it’d be funny to hot box my ass in the closet after she ate a basket of stuffed chili peppers and an entire bag of salt and vinegar chips.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She is so full of shit. I have no doubt that she remembers that day or the smell. Her ass was so rancid you would’ve though
t a pack of dogs just crapped in the small space we were in after eating hot beef sticks and cabbage. “Besides, it was a dare, and we ate at Taco Hut earlier that day.”

  “So, you do remember?”

  “Vaguely.” Another round of shoulder shakes hits Gia, and it’s hard not to join her. “You can’t blame me. I’d had gas that entire afternoon and by the time we got in the closet I was already ripping it up. Besides, it was payback for the diary incident. The girls dared me. I couldn’t back out of a dare.”

  “Hold up.” I reply, not recollecting anything in our past about a damn diary. “What diary incident?”

  I watch Gia’s shoulders lift but this time it’s not from giggling. When she starts to speak her voice is low and I can sense a bit of sadness in her tone. Now my curiosity is piqued.

  “I stayed the night at Sadie’s house one weekend and brought my diary with me so I could make an entry before I went to bed. When I went home the next day I’d forgotten that I’d left it there and went on to school that Monday.”

  I’m still having major brain blockage trying to remember what Gia’s talking about. The only time I remember anything about her diary was when…

  Ohh, wait. Now I remember.

  “So Monday morning when Sadie and I were walking to English class Tommy Selznick stopped me and looked at me like I was a piece of prime rib. That was something he’d never done before.” Gia’s voice cracks a little and it makes me feel like shit, because I remember that day very well. “When I asked him what he was looking at he said, “My next hand job”. I was hurt that you showed people that entry, Roman. Really hurt. Those were my private thoughts and you decided to share them with your jerk-off friends.”

  She’s right. I did, and now I feel shitty about it.

  “I’m sorry. I was a dumbass teenager with a reputation to uphold and I know that’s no excuse for what I did.”

  Had I known back then that pulling a fucking stunt like that would’ve caused Gia or any other girl grief like it’d caused her, I would never had done it. But I was an arrogant bastard that only thought of himself, and when she wrote that entry, it threw me for a loop. To be honest, I was on cloud nine. It was that very moment I realized that she had a crush on me and I went and fucked it all to hell by showing my friends that she’d had a dream the night before about giving me a hand job. Back then I thought that only guys dreamt about shit like that. So when I read it, I shared it out of sheer shock and maybe even a bit of the macho bullshit tossed in the mix.

  I pull on the reigns a bit and bring the horse to a stop. I start at Gia’s hands and slowly slide my fingertips up her forearms and over her shoulders until I reach her neck. I bring one hand down and wrap it around her waist. I gently place my palm over her cheek and move her head so that our eyes meet.

  “I’m sorry. For all of it,” I tell her, hoping like hell she believes me. All that shit when we were kids was so long ago but I still owe her an apology. “Forgive me?”

  "Did I really do that, Roman?" Gia asks, poking her thumb behind us. “You know? Last night?”

  I kiss her on the nose and jump off the mare, grabbing Gia’s hand and help her down.

  "Look," I reply, taking off my hat before running my hand through my hair. “It was a bad idea to show you. I should've just told you what happened. I think this entire situation could’ve been avoided."

  Gia keeps her eyes cast to the ground. “Please tell me that you were nowhere near my butt when it happened.”

  I wish I could lie and say no, but I know she'd hate me for it if I did, but if I tell her the truth, hell, she’d probably hate me for that too. I blow out a breath. "In my…um…face?"

  Gia’s eyes go wide and her arms instantly shoot up toward the sky as she turns her body away from me. "Oh, fantastic!" she replies, whipping her head back in my direction. "In your face? I farted in your face?"

  I nod because what else is there to do? If I’d lied, she would’ve hated me for who knows how long, and telling her the truth just made her come unhinged.

  "I know I drank one of those Mason jars full of hellfire, Roman, and maybe I don't remember bits and pieces of what happened, but why in the hell were you even close enough to my ass for me to fart in your face?"

  Shit.

  "Roman?" she asks, narrowing her eyes. “Why were you that close to my situation to begin with?

  "I…" I cement my hands in my hair and try to come up with a brilliant excuse so she doesn’t think I’m a fucking jackass. "I was trying to pick your clothes up off the ground."

  Gia starts to mumble to herself. It's almost like she's talking to some invisible person as she flails her arms in the air. Maybe she's lost her mind. Fucking fantastic. I caused her to go insane. I do the only thing I can think of, and my body reacts before my brain has time to kick in when I grab her by the arm and pull her to me.

  "It's no big deal." I pull her even closer. “We’re good. I swear.”

  “My clothes were on the ground?” she mumbles the question. I watch as realization hits her, and her eyes immediately shift up to meet mine. “Were you going to…”

  “Going to what?” I ask as a slow grin starts to spread. “Fuck you?”

  She nods her head, casting her eyes to the ground. I slip my finger underneath her chin and pull her face up so that her eyes meet mine. She is so fucking beautiful. When she licks her lips all I want to do is kiss her silly.

  "Actually, I was going to do very dirty things to you until the sun came up." I tell her and watch as she closes her eyes and her body reacts with a shiver. I bring my mouth down to her ear and whisper, “I was going to eat your pussy until you came all over my face. I wanted to tongue fuck you into oblivion.”

  She opens and closes her mouth as if she's going to say something but I don't give her the chance because with all farts aside and hopefully forgotten, our lips meet, and I instantly feel like the something I’ve missing has been found.

  Chapter 12

  Another One Bites The Dust

  ~Gia~

  That kiss was unbelievable-toe-curling unbelievable. Delicious. I’m also pretty damn sure that I just swooned all over the place, but I can’t help it. How can I not when he kisses like a porn star, and the possibility of him fucking like one too causes the whore to twitch all over the place.

  I see the barn nearing as Roman’s horse gets closer.

  "What's going on?" I ask.

  "It's Jet. He's at it again."

  "Who's Jet?"

  Roman chuckles. "You'll see."

  What the hell?

  As soon as Roman brings his horse to a stop, I see his foreman rounding the side of the barn. I try to peer around Caleb to get a better look, but all I see are people in a huddle.

  "He’s been like this all morning."

  "What caused it this time?" Roman asks.

  A smile spreads across Caleb’s face. "A woman."

  Roman shakes his head as he dismounts the mare. He smiles at me as he takes my hand and helps me down.

  "Wait here, Gia. I'll be right back," he says, planting me safely on my feet. And don't think I don't notice the way he’s grinning at me, making the whore whimper in the corner as she fans a hand in front of her vagina.

  "Be right back!"

  I jump when Caleb roars beside me.

  "Jesus, is everyone always so dysfunctional around here?" I say to myself only to find that I'm not alone.

  "All the damn time, Missy."

  I slap a hand over my chest. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

  Big Jen scoffs, waving me off like some pesky gnat. "Ya seriously need to take a chill pill or toss back a shot of Tequila or somthin’. You always this edgy?”

  “Only when people decide to scare the shit out of me every five minutes.”

  "You should see this place around Halloween,” she laughs, scooting closer to me. "So, you and Roman, huh?"

  I pull my brows together, trying for the whole resting bitch face and fail epically. Big Jen loo
ks at me as if I’ve just grown another head. I try to come up with something snarky to say when a strange man comes out of nowhere, heading right for us.

  "Well, tickle my pud! Look at this pretty little thing! Who might you be, darlin’?"

  "What?" I squeak out, trying hard not to clamp my hand over my nose to minimize the stench emanating from the man’s mouth. He smells like a combination of dirt and grime, not to mention alcohol seeping from his very toothless mouth.

  "The name’s Jethro, sweetheart," the boozer says, grabbing my hand as he sways from side to side, planting a wet, sloppy kiss right on my knuckles. "It's a p-pleasure to make your a-acquaintance, darlin’."

  I cringe and try really hard to smile without looking like I need to take a huge dump in the process. The old man smiles back at me, rolls his eyes, stumbles back, and falls flat on his ass.

  "That there is Jethro, Missy, in all his damn glory," Jen whispers in my ear. "We all call him Jet because when that man passes gas it sounds like a damn jet plane.”

  “I swear it’s a loony bin around here.”

  “Well, that’s one thing you and I agree on.”

  My attention immediately goes to Roman as he carefully tends to the old man.

  "Jet helped Roman out when he first showed up in town, emotionally beat all to hell and down in the dumps." Jen’s expression falls. "Jet hasn't always been so brewed and screwed. He's just a bit heartbroken. The woman he’s been chasing after keeps him at arm’s length. She knows that he’s set in life and pretty much keeps him around for his money. She’s a damn bitch but Jet’s convinced that one day she’ll say yes to his many marriage proposals. The old bastard proposes to her at least once a week."

  I let the information sink in as my eyes land on Roman, watching me contently, and then sends a wink my way.

  "We're like family here, Missy." Jen nudges my arm. "Whatever it is you're looking for, I sure hope your heart’s in the right place ‘cause you can sure see where Roman’s heart is. And from where I’m standin’, that man right there only has eyes for you. Be good to him or I’ll have to break your knee caps."