Sperm Donor Wanted

by S. L. Romines

  Knife…

  Cyanide…

  Rat poison…

  Battery acid…

  My options of carrying out Roman’s early demise are endless as I go down the list of items that will quite literally do the job.

  "I don't care what it looks like between my damn legs, Roman! Fuck shits, someone get the damn nurse!" I continue my breathing as another contraction passes. As soon as it does I look pointedly at my boyfriend. "You did this to me. You put me in this gut ripping situation. I feel like my vagina is going to explode and you will be here to watch every minute of my exploding cooter! Every minute, Roman!"

  As I close my eyes and try to calm myself I hear Jen’s voice ground out.

  "So help me, Dirk. If you do not get your funky butt up I will whack you in the head with Gia’s placenta."

  As soon as she says the word placenta, Roman begins to dry heave.

  "So, who's ready to have a baby?" When the doctor walks in, announcing his arrival, he looks around the room and nods his head. "Looks like the party's already started."

  Chapter 25

  Ode’ to the Falling Anus

  ~Gia~

  "Things are looking pretty good down there, Ms. Avery."

  First of all, when a man tells you "things" are looking good down there oftentimes you tend to give yourself a pat on the back for not having a shot out, furry taco. However, when the doctor that's about to deliver your very first child tells you this same exact thing, you might just call bullshit because I'm pretty sure that "things" look chewed up and spit out while a mini human is literally stretching you from one side to the other as it fights its way out.

  "Is it time?" I ask, looking up at the clock like there's actually a time frame for this kind of stuff. "Please tell me it's time. I need it to be time." The doctor, still sitting on his rolling stool, lifts the sheet back up over my knees and draws his brows together and purses his lips. I'm good with that but when he tilts his head to the side, I start to panic. "What? Is it bad? Oh my god, it's bad, isn't it?"

  "Fuck yeah. It's bad, Gia. Really, really bad," Roman says behind his hand. "It's looks awful. And the smell? You could kill a rhino with that smell."

  "Shut the hell up, Roman!" I yell through the pain. "Doctor please give it to me straight."

  "Ms, Avery," he says, bringing the sheet back down over my knees before getting up to his feet. "Like I said, it looks pretty good down there. Things are moving along just fine. A couple more centimeters and we'll be good to go."

  "A couple more centimeters!" My voice raises a few decibels right as another contraction slams my insides. "Please. I need you to remove this child from the depths of my vagina because it seriously feels like my butt hole is going to fall out."

  The doctor smiles at me and pats me on the knee. "There will be no anus falling today, Ms. Avery, I promise. I'll have the nurse come in to check the fetal monitor and your vitals, and when we reach a couple more centimeters, I'll come back in and we'll have a baby. Alrighty?"

  I do not respond. Instead, I give the doctor my resting bitch face.

  "Okay, then," he says. "I'll see ya in a bit."

  "It's okay, baby. We'll handle this shit together. You and me." Roman places one hand on his hip while running his other hand through his hair. But when he walks over to me and lifts the sheet up to inspect the chaos that is childbirth, he has a quick change of heart. "Nope. Nuh-uh. I'm gonna be sick."

  Fuck. My. Life.

  When the door pushes open I’m immediately thankful to see my nurse. If anyone has the ability to convince the doctor that things going on down South is a dire emergency it’d be that woman.

  "Well, I'd say you are on your way to being a first time mama." I watch the nurse zip around the room, grabbing a few sets of scrubs. She walks over to Jen, Dirk, and Roman, tossing three sets of scrubs at each of them. "If you're going to be in here then you're going to need to put these on."

  "Do I have to, Jen?" I hear Dirk ask in a hushed tone. "Can't we just wait outside like normal people? I mean, I love me some Clarabelle but this whole baby birthin' business has my guts in knots. I think I might puke."

  "Oh shit!" I yell out as another contraction rocks my insides. I take a deep breath. "I think the baby's coming. I need to push!"

  "See? You see, baby?" I look back over at Dirk. The poor guy's face has gone white. "She's killin' me, Jen."

  "Now you look here, Dirk," Jen replies as she slips her set of scrubs on over her clothes. "First of all, we're not normal if you hadn't noticed, and second, I'm stayin' in this room with Gia 'cause there ain’t no way in the blazin' pits of hell that I'm missin' this. So, make up your damn mind. You stayin' or leavin?"

  "Okay, I'm ready!" I look over at Roman and come to the conclusion that he will most definitely be getting his nuts trampled once I can move around. I shake my head as he twirls around, pointing at himself, dressed to the nines in the set of scrubs the nurse gave him complete with booties on the feet and a face mask to boot. "I’m ready to go, baby."

  "Alright. Fine. I'm stayin'." Dirk snatches his set of scrubs and heads to the en-suite restroom. "But if I pass out, Jen, it's not my fault."

  Just as I'm about to go postal on my entourage the doctor and a couple more nurses enter the room. Panic starts to rip through me and I instantly second guess my desire to have a child.

  "I'm not ready." I vigorously shake my head. "Holy fuck I'm freakin' out."

  "You’ll be fine, Ms. Avery," the doctor says, reaching up under the sheet and between my legs. "Yep, I'd say now is about a good a time as any to welcome this baby into the world. What do you say? Ready meet your little one?"

  "Okay, I'm ready! Bring on the baby!"

  Before I can respond to the doctor, Dirk hauls ass out of the bathroom all decked out in his scrub attire, but when he turns around to model his new outfit, I shake my head and wave the hypothetical white flag in defeat.

  "Where in the fuck are your clothes, baby?" Jen barks out, pointing with both hands toward Dirk’s junk. "Are you wearing any underwear under those?"

  "No, baby, no I am not," he says with a toothy grin. "I'm nekkid as a damn jay bird in the middle of summer under this here dress.”

  As the doctor sits down on his rolling stool in front of me, whispering to one of the nurses, I almost start laughing at his epic description of my friends.

  “Let’s deliver this baby before the Hillbilly Three decide to start a bonfire and play beer pong."

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can honestly say that this will be one birth I will never forget and one that I wouldn't change for the world.

  "Okay, I'm ready. I want to meet my baby."

  Two minutes and thirty-five and a half seconds later I have a change of heart.

  "I can't do this!" I scream out in pain as my mini human starts his or her descent down my Tunnel O’ Love like a slow moving sloth. "This is not beautiful! This is torture! I hate you Roman and your dick!"

  "It's okay, baby," he says, grabbing a hold of my hand, looking as though he's about to cry. "I hate my dick right about now, too."

  "Alright, Gia, why don't you take a deep breath and give me a nice, long push." I look down at the doctor as he's nose deep between my legs and push. "That's it. Keep pushing. Don't stop. You want to keep pushing."

  "I am pushing!"

  "Oh, for the love of Sam Elliot." I look over just as Dirk walks up to the other side of my bed and grabs my hand. With his brows knit together he bends over just inches from my face. "Now you listen here, Clarabelle. That baby shoved up your honey pot isn't gonna push himself outta there. Oh no, my friend. You’re gonna hafta dig deep, Clarabelle. You’re gonna hafta push it out like you've got a poop on deck bigger than one of Jet’s burritos comin' outta your rear end. Ya think you can do that? Ya think you can stop all that whinin’ for two seconds and get that there munchkin outta the depths of your cum muffler? Hmm? Or am I gonna hafta pull its little hind end outta ya myself? ‘Cause I'll do it, Clarabe
lle, ya know I will."

  Just as another contraction moves through my body, I take a calming breath and blow it out through my lips, giving Dirk a wide-eyed, death glare.

  "If you do not get away from me I am going to castrate you. I will rip your balls off and shove them up your butt. Do you understand me, Dirk? Now. Get. Away!"

  "She's threatening my balls, Jen," he replies, placing his hand on his hips. "She wants to cut off the boys and you know how much you like the boys, baby."

  And just as I think I’m finally going to be able to finish delivering my baby without any more interruptions from my goofy as hell friend, the entire room erupts.

  "Dirk, if you do not move away from Gia," Roman pipes in, stretching his body over me so that he and his best friend are only inches from one another, "I'm going to punch you in the nose."

  "Like hell you will! Clarabelle just threatened my berries," Dirk replies, stretching over my body a few more inches. "They're my balls, Roman. My balls. My balls are my babies. I love my goddamn balls, but that there woman of yours just threatened my gonads. You threatened my gonads, Clarabelle. Not cool.”

  "For the umpteenth, ever-loving time, Dirk, if you do not get your ass away from that birthin' table," Jen says with a tinge of fury in her voice. "I'm gonna kick your ripe ass!"

  Dirk quickly moves from the side of the bed and around the doctor only to end up at the foot of the bed. Standing with his backside just mere inches from the doctor's face, Dirk’s ripe ass is on full display.

  "But, Jen, she threatened my gonads."

  "Sir? Excuse me, Sir? Oh, for goodness sake. Sir!" The doctor's voice raises a few decibels finally garnering Dirk’s attention. "I cannot concentrate on delivering Ms. Avery’s baby with your bare ass hanging out of that gown and right in front of my face. What the hell was that? Sir, did you just fart? Holy mother of God, that stinks like shit and onions!"

  I block out the entire room and chaos from my existence and start my breathing as the worst and last of the contractions slam into me.

  This is it.

  The baby's coming.

  I'm going to be a mom.

  Roman’s going to be a dad.

  Jen’s going to be an aunt.

  Dirk’s going to be nutless.

  "Get it together, man!" I tell the doctor, snapping my fingers to get his attention. "The baby's coming!"

  "I see a head full of hair, Gia, and the shoulders. Just one more push and we'll be meeting your little one."

  "Just one more push, baby." I look up at Roman and feel the tears slide from the corners of my eyes as he places a long, sweet kiss on my forehead. It’s one of those rare moments that you have to grab and hold onto. "Let's meet our baby."

  Taking one last, deep breath, I bear down with everything I can possibly dig up from the deepest depths of my…

  "Good grief! It's like pulling a calf from a tightly wound cow."

  My eyes immediately zone in on Dirk as he slides on a pair of latex gloves, snapping them at the wrists.

  "Why is he doing that, Roman?" Panic laces my voice at the thought of Dirk practicing his calf birthing skills. "If he so much as…"

  "Doc, ain't you never done this kinda thing before? Just ram your hands up Clarabelle's cooter hole and pull."

  "No!" I yell out. "There will be no ramming of the cooter hole. Oh my fuck, I have to push!"

  And that's exactly what I needed. The threat of Dirk ramming his large hands up my vagina would make any woman push out babies like their lives depended on it.

  "And we have a baby!"

  The entire room is absolutely silent as we wait for the baby to cry for the first time and for the doctor to announce the gender.

  "Congratulations," he says just as the baby begins to scream at the top of its lungs. "It's a boy!"

  "Are you happy? I ask, looking up at Roman.

  When he looks down at me, the expression on his face and the words out of his mouth take my breath away.

  “Never in a million years would I have ever thought that this, this beautiful life, would be mine, and I wouldn't change anything about it. You, Gia Avery, are the very best thing that has ever happened to me and now you’ve blessed me with something I never thought I could possibly have again-a family." Tears fall from Roman’s eyes, and in that moment, my heart aches to love him even more than I do now. Lowering his head, he places a kiss upon his son's head and looks back at me. "I love you."

  Chapter 26

  It’s Only the Beginning

  ~Gia~

  I should feel like I want to vomit. Maybe even do the pee-pee dance out of sheer anxiety. I should be doing these things but my level of serenity is off the charts as if I'd just smoke a big fat doobie and pounded an entire bottle of Jack.

  Looking out the double glass doors and out to the many guests that have shown up to witness today, makes my heart squeeze with emotion. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be getting married, and realizing that today I'm marrying the man that has always been the love of my life and my soul mate, causes a smile to stretch across my mouth and tears to form in the corners of my eyes.

  "You okay, missy?" I almost forget that Jen is in the room with me when I look over and see a genuine smile on her face. "Don't tell me that you're getting cold feet now. We don't need ourselves a runaway bride today."

  "No," I shake my head. "No runaway bride here."

  "Well, then what's with the waterworks?"

  "I'm just happy." I smile.

  Before Jen gets a chance to respond there’s a soft knock against the door.

  "Gia?"

  Sadie.

  "It's that ditzy imp," Jen says as she attempts to pull her hair back. "Want me to kick her ass?"

  "Let her in," I reply and take a deep breath for good measure. "It's okay."

  "Okay. But if the fucked up idiot tries any shit, I'm gonna have to break her knee caps." Jen looks over at me and her expression is all kinds of serious as she cocks a brow at me. "Deal?"

  "Deal."

  I nod my head at Jen as she makes her way to open the door. As soon as Sadie and I make eye contact she rushes through the door and nearly chokes me out with her version of a bear hug.

  "Oh my goodness! You look so beautiful!" I feel a few tears land on my bare shoulder as Sadie begins to cry. "We’re going to be family."

  Not that long after my little nugget was born Sadie had called and we met up for lunch. Needless to say after five hours, a ton of tears, and several drinks later I’d finally buried the hatchet. I think I had forgiven her a long time ago but was too stubborn to realize it. It was a stupid move on her part for leaving me that day at the ranch but if she hadn’t, I would be where I am right now. So all in all, I should probably be thanking her for ditching me.

  "I love you, Gia."

  "I love you too, Sadie."

  "Great. Great. We all fuckin' love each other here." Sadie and I both turn to see Jen picking something out of her teeth. "How's about we put a damn lid on the love fest and get this wedding started? Besides, I think Dirk's ready to show off his monkey suit."

  "Well, I guess we shouldn't keep them waiting." I look between both of my friends and smile. "C'mon. Let's go have ourselves a wedding."

  I take a peek out the window. The entire area is full of guests.

  Holy shit.

  I feel myself start to panic as pins and needles cover my skin. The whore giggles, smoothing her idea of her own wedding dress with her palms. She winks at me. I mentally flip her off. I'm not composed. That serene feeling I felt just moments ago is gone. Vanished. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The whore cocks a brow. This is what you wanted.

  "All right, missy." I turn to look at Jen. She looks stunning. Not the same woman I met riding on that dirty quad. I smile at her without looking like I have to crap my pants. "It's time to get ya married."

  Jen gives me a quick squeeze and a peck on my cheek as the music starts to play and she begins to head down the aisle. As she passes
me I notice Sadie standing behind her, teary-eyed.

  "Oh, come here," I say to her with my arms out to my sides. "Bring it in."

  She wastes no time hugging me, letting the tears fall.

  "Shouldn't I be the one crying?"

  "No, you shouldn't. You'll ruin your makeup." She pulls away from me and smiles. "I love you so much, Gia, and I am so sorry for everything. You are my very best friend. Who would've thought? You and Roman. It's a perfect ending to what I'm sure will be an epic love story."

  "It's not the end, Sadie," I reply as a few tears slide down my cheeks. "It's only the beginning."

  "Well, let's get this love story started, shall we? Because I think that cousin of mine is ready to make this official." Sadie brings my attention down the aisle as she points to my future husband. I can't help the plethora of emotions that wash over me when I see a glimpse of Roman at the altar. "Welcome to the family, Gia."

  When I turn my gaze back to Sadie, she's already making her way down the aisle to stand beside Jen. I take in a breath, nerves on edge, and I know that in just mere moments every absolute thing I've ever wanted will be laid out in front of me as I become Mrs. Roman Blake.

  I take one last, deep breath, and as I ready myself to walk down to meet my future, my plans take a detour.

  "Clarabelle?"

  Oh, shit.

  "Clarabelle?"

  There are two things that I'm certain of. One. I was totally ready to get this show on the road until the backwoods hillbilly walked in. Two. Dirk’s wardrobe choice has completely thrown me for a loop.

  "Hey, Dirk," I reply, taking him in very, very slowly. "What's with the skirt?"

  Dirk’s expression shows a sliver of humor as he looks down at his choice of attire, smoothing his hands down the front of the material.

  "It's a kilt, Clarabelle." His smile widens. "Ya like it? I told the guy at that fancy shop in town that I was walkin' a pretty little thing down the aisle and needed his best getup. He said this would make me the belle of the ball, whatever that means. So, I swooped it up before someone else got their grubby mittens on it."