by Sia Wales
I take in his perfect features but see no difference in his eyes. They are dark again this afternoon––an intense, reddish onyx color. I can’t stare at them too long, they sidetrack me from getting my confused thoughts in order.
“Silence drives me mad.” The words come tumbling out of my mouth, and I glance at him through my eyelashes.
His smile fades. He looks confused, thrown by my unexpected outburst.
“We’re in the library, there are signs all around saying ‘silence please’.”
I lower my face into my hands, pressing down on my temples; I want to get rid of the sense of guilt I feel. Then I take a deep breath and open my eyes to find Jason still looking at me inquiringly.
“Hey there,” he says quietly. He is sitting at the opposite end of the table, his chair facing in my direction. The tenderness in his voice almost makes me melt.
“Hey there,” I repeat, and he slides his chair a little closer. “Please, say something.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Why haven’t you gotten upset at me?” My voice is faint, barely even a whisper.
He strokes the hair hanging down my back.
“Upset at you? What for?”
“Maybe you haven’t heard the full story. Why don’t you get mad?”
“You’re human,” he says lovingly.
“I’m a walking disaster area.”
“No, Stella, you’re just human.”
His generosity has no limits. Never before in my life have I felt I deserved less.
“That’s the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard.” I shake my head, distressed. “And if that wasn’t enough, at my party I got that paper cut, meaning you had to leave. It was the night of our anniversary, Jason.”
I gulp, trying to get rid of the knot in my throat. I forced him to leave the party. I’m ashamed of my actions. He raises my chin with his thumb and gazes at me, a spark of life illuminating his eyes.
“Stella, you cut yourself with the show program.” He makes me feel like a clumsy fool. The red in his eyes glows with anger. “I’m sorry. “I’m sorry for what I did.”
“You didn’t do anything. It was all my fault. I did everything wrong. I could have … when he… I shouldn’t have…”
“Stella,” Jason cuts in. “What? There’s nothing you could have done to set things right.” Worry shows on his face, he wraps his arms around me and I soak the shoulder of his gray top with tears.
“I should have been more careful. It’s not right that you found out that way. Yes, you smelled blood. But you were already out of your mind, because you heard us. And when I was talking to Bryan, you asked Donn for an explanation. That’s what happened, right?”
“But Seth Riley was there, along with your other normal friends,” he nods. “If he had realized you had cut yourself, what’s the worst that could have happened? That he wouldn’t have found a Band-Aid or a bandage in the storeroom? Maybe he would have tended to your wound without having to fight off the desire to kill you.”
“What’s Ronald’s son got to do with it?”
“Because being with people like Seth, people of your own kind, doesn’t put your life in danger given what they are!”
He holds me tightly in his arms, rocking me back and forth soothingly.
“It wasn’t your fault, at the party, I mean.” I feel his soft lips caress my cheek with an unexpected tenderness and I fear that we haven’t yet seen the worst of the storm.
“It wasn’t your fault, either,” I whisper back. A cold fingertip lightly touches my forefinger.
“Does it still hurt?” he asks lovingly. His cold, delicate lips on my check are so, so sweet. And as I feared, my tears fall thicker and faster.
“Who cares about my dumb cut?” I say, sick to my stomach.
“I knew you’d find some way to blame yourself. Stella, you’re being silly. What more can I say?”
“I want you to say that you’re sick of me and that you want to leave me. I want you to make me get down on my knees and desperately beg you not to go.” The words tumble out of my mouth. I don’t wait for him to respond, or even give him the chance to tell me he’s not interested in a cruel, evil monster like me. I bury myself deeper in his chest, clinging onto him for dear life.
“Stop it, please,” he begs calmly, too calmly for my liking.
“You’re kidding, right?” I protest. It’s pointless arguing if he’s going to be so reasonable. I let my arms fall to my side.
“I am not upset at you, my angel. This past year, I know that I left a void in your life that I will have to fill, I know that.” He strokes my hair again, his eyes staring at me.
“That’s not true. I heard your voice over the phone. That should have been enough. That’s why I feel so awful. There were no empty spaces.”
“Yes there were. When I left, a gaping wound opened. And Vuk took care of it.”
“You’re right,” I nod. “You’re so understanding. That just makes me feel worse, I already feel so guilty.”
“Everything that has happened is bound to have left its mark on you. Both of you. And I blame neither you nor him for what I caused. And the same goes for Donn.” I feel his jaws tense as he says that name.
“Jason … I … I…” Every inch of my body tells me to deny it, but I can’t.
“Shh,” he whispers, and just one caress from him soothes away the agony. We remain silent for a few moments.
“Of course, I wish you hadn’t given your consent. But he knows how to control emotions, and he’s far cleverer than you think.” His tone reveals a reluctant admiration. “Compared to him, I’m naivety personified.”
I say nothing; I feel uncomfortable, but I don’t feel as if the wool was pulled over my eyes, and I’m not upset at Donn. There is no room left in me to feel anything but self-hatred. But, to my surprise, Jason’s chest begins to shake; I realize he’s sobbing. Or at least I thought he was, until I hear a stifled laugh.
“And to think I thought I played dirty. ” He shakes his head and suddenly turns it toward the door. The atmosphere changes, and I feel a new urgency in him.
“He’s coming.”
“Yes, against my wishes. But maybe Vuk will get here first. We’ve got few minutes left. At least you won’t have the chance to freeze to death in my arms, in a library in Massachusetts.”
“I don’t care if it’s cold. I wish some kind of divine justice would turn me into a block of ice.”
“Stella, first of all, it really is cold and then …”
“Wrong,” I interrupt. “You come first, the cold comes second.”
“You’re right. Maybe I’m over-cautious but …” He stops mid-sentence as if avoiding telling me something.
“Vuk is the only one who, in some way or another, has kissed you without misleading you. That’s all I wanted to say,” he adds dismissively, but with a hint of warning in his words.
“Without misleading me?”
“Stella, do you really think Donn behaved like a gentleman? That he is willing to step aside to make way for me?” Jason seems to be staring out into space and I’ll bet he’s seeing in his mind the one thing I would never have wanted to reveal to him at any cost.
“You are so incapable of telling a lie that you believe any smooth-talker,” continues Jason. “But the way things went, I’ve got no excuse to punch either one in the face. Not even Donn. It’s a shame. I would have enjoyed it. Maybe I’ll earn your forgiveness, but I can’t deny the consequences it caused. I’m sorry I left you alone for all this time.”
“Stop it, dammit!” I cry, leaping to my feet. “Don’t start with that old story of noble self-sacrifice!”
“No, you don’t understand. I’m not trying to comfort you, Stella, I’m not kidding.”
“I know you’re not kidding. But just help me to forget everything.”
“How?”
“React.” I place my hands around his neck and pull him in for a kiss but, inevitably, his hands hold me
back.
“Careful, my angel, you’re overestimating my self-control.” He leans into me and gives me an icy peck on my forehead. “Don’t let yourself get carried away by a sense of remorse, you’ve got nothing to prove to me. Be happy, and you’ll get the part of me that you want.”
“I was trying to get just that before you stopped me,” I whisper, and see his lips tighten cautiously. “That’s what I want.”.
I pull my head back slowly, the distance allowing our eyes to lock once more. His face is gentle, his eyes full of understanding rather than the loathing I deserve.
“We’ll try, Stella. I’ll keep my promise to you. But it won’t be a reaction to what Donn or Vuk have done.”
“You’re wrong again. When you went away, I wanted only one thing.” I keep my eyes on him, fixed. “There’s nothing I want more than you, Jason.”
His lips soften, a veil of satisfaction appears in his liquid onyx eyes. He beams and lowers his head just enough to whisper in my ear.
“That’s what you want, and I can understand it, because you’re all I want in the world too, Stella.” He runs his cold fingers delicately down my cheeks. “I’ll see you in a few days.” “I didn’t think you’d be going so soon!”
“Aaron has moved up the day of departure. The meeting made me too unpredictable to guarantee the terms of the contract. We can’t wait until the weekend. But what matters is that we found each other again, Stella. Now I have to go and hunt, feed myself, and give in to my animal instincts, the wolf side of me. Plus, that was one of the conditions Donn imposed. Part of the deal is that I hunt regularly and that we see each other only for short periods of time as a precaution. After all, I’m still a youngster, just a little over a year old.”
“Right,” I groan. “So you’re leaving this afternoon?”
“Yep, right now. I’ll be heading north, just over the Canadian border into Jasper National Park.”
“With all those grizzly bears. Great.”
“Maybe in some isolated place where there are loads of cougars, too. Big ones. And wolves can be rather vicious.”
I let out a low, nervous laugh.
“What’s wrong?” He doesn’t wait for my response. “Maybe that was too much information. Ok, let’s forget about the wolves, if that idea makes you feel uncomfortable.”
“He’s my best friend, Jason. Of course the idea makes me uncomfortable.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make light of the situation,” he says in formal tones. Hanging out with old-school vampires means that some of their ways have rubbed off on him.
“No, I’m sorry. Don’t worry, go have fun. I’ll be waiting for you here.”
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“Take as long as you need. Just not too long,” I smile. “And sink your teeth into some old grizzly for me, too.”
I spend the few minutes we have left with my arms around his chest, looking deep into his penetrating eyes. Out of the corner of my eye, I can’t help but admire his handsome reflection in the window looking out onto the tree-lined street of the campus. But then, from the very same windowpane, I spot Vuk’s emerald eyes watching me. I turn to see my best friend leaning casually against the wall by the entrance.
“I’ll see you when I get back,” Jason whispers tenderly in my ear. He slips out of the room, nodding politely to Vuk as he walks by. Vuk exchanges the farewell, his though, devoid of any affability. In an instant, Vuk is by my side, studying me.
“Everything ok with your vampire boyfriend?” He asks, forcing his expression to be one of phony goodwill.
His eyes are cool and collected as he waits for my reply, but his body is rigid, anxious.
“No, Vuk, not at all!”
“What happened? Did he treat you bad?” His fists tighten.
“No. Of course he didn’t misbehave. I wish!”
“You wish? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“He’s not upset with me, or with you.”
“He’s not … not pissed?” Vuk sounds incredulous, though a little disgusted. Is that a trace of admiration I hear in his voice too?
“No. The good-natured way he took everything even worsened my mood. Believe me, he was too kind.”
“I don’t believe you. I mean, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t try to harm you, but I had no idea he’d take things well.”
“If only he’d gotten angry, shouted at me or something like that.”
“I was counting on some kind of reaction,” Vuk admits.
“I deserve to be yelled at, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He didn’t even get upset at Donn. He just wants me to be happy.”
The mere sound of Donn’s name being pronounced causes Vuk to tense up, his eyes gaze off into the distance.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Yesterday, didn’t Donn give you some kind of ultimatum?”
“Just promise you won’t judge him, right? I’m not allowed to come visit you in New Hampshire. Yes, Donn told me where you live. He was steadfast about that. But if it’s any comfort, he placed restrictions on Jason, too.”
“Damn him!” Vuk blurts. “I was expecting something like this. But I didn’t think he’d have the guts to actually ban you from coming to see me. That’s out of order, a low blow! Things are looking a bit bleak this week. First Donn comes back, then Jason. And now this!” He runs a hand aggressively through his hair. “I hope he’s kidding!”
“I don’t think so.”
“Dumbass bloodsucker. What gives him the right to tell you that you can’t live your life? Or would he rather see you locked in a coffin? Does he allow you to breathe?” His words pour out in pure rage.
“He’s just trying to keep me safe,” I say, but there’s no point in continuing a discussion that would only rub salt into the wound. Suddenly, Vuk eyes dart to a point beyond my shoulders, his face darkens, his jaws tense.
“Hell! He’s better at this than I thought,” he says, looking in the direction of the door. His eyes become two narrow slits.
I recognize this expression; only one person brings it on. I sense that Donn has entered the room, I don’t even need to ask. I turn with great anticipation and there he is, my personal guarantor. The fact that I managed to tear my eyes away from that sculpted body of his is proof of the impossible beauty of his face.
“No, I’m not kidding, and I’m not playing games,” roars Donn. I don’t even have time to blink and he’s already by our side.
Vuk face darkens further.
“Sure you are. You play as tough a game as me. It’s just that you’re more of a charming expert than I am. I don’t have enough experience yet to unmask your little tricks.”
“He’s not charming me!” I exclaim defensively, but I can’t tear my eyes off him. Donn’s eyes are hypnotic, and the soft curve of his lips show a vague satisfaction.
“Yes he is! Wake up, Stella, smell the coffee. He’s not the Mr. Perfect you think he is!”
“You can talk, after you tried to kiss her,” he smiles. I blush at his words. Vuk’s eyes flick momentarily to Donn, then they’re back on me.
“Listen, Stella, I’m glad you’ve forgiven me, even for what happened at the bar the other day. I shouldn’t have gotten so close to you. I was wrong. I think. I dunno, maybe I was under the illusion that something might have happened between us. I knew it would complicate things, but I’d do it again. But at least you understand what I feel.”
“Really? You think it’s better this way?”
“Why not?” he answers quickly. “I’m still your best friend, aren’t I?”
“What the hell are you thinking?” Donn demands.
“What’s it to you?” roars Vuk, spinning around to look at him. “You’d rather just send me off to be killed, right, Mr. Council man?”
“No, Vuk,” I gasp, fighting back the tears. “Don’t be an idiot. Do you really want to see me suffer?”
“Ah, what difference does it make, Stella? Maybe everyone would be better of
f that way.”
I whimper, my chest starts to heave from the sobs.
“What are you crying for?” snorts Vuk, sharply. Then he places a comforting hand on my shoulder, his voice now no more than an incredulous whisper.
“But you are crying…”
“Of course.”
“No one has ever cried for me.” His whisper of disbelief makes my throat knot up.
“I have.” I try to control my breathing. “Yes, I have.”
He moves his glance from Donn to me, and he seems touched.
“Well thanks for saying it out loud.”
“It’s the truth, you don’t have to thank me.”
He smiles and lets his hand fall from my shoulder.
“I only said what I said because Donn is here. I wasn’t serious.” He pats my head soothingly. “Don’t worry, little girl, we’ll find a way out of this.”
A moment of silence. He seems to be waiting for me to say something; I try to find the right words.
“But I don’t see a way,” is all I can muster to say.
“First of all, I’ll step aside and behave myself. That is if Donn allows you to see me, of course.”
“Are you kidding?” I ask.
“Maybe.” He forces a laugh. “But I swear I’ll try.”
“Don’t be such a pessimist.”
“Just have a little faith in me,” he retorts, his voice hoarse, low.
“What do you mean, that you’ll behave yourself?”
“I’ll be your best friend, Stella. I’ll ask nothing more of you,” he adds smoothly.
I get the meaning behind his words. He’s trying to say that he’ll give up the fight because he cares about me with all his heart and he doesn’t want to lose me. He has to be satisfied with just being my friend.
“I’m afraid it’s too late, Vuk,” Donn says. “How can you be just friends, when you lust after her so much? Maybe it has to be a long-distance friendship when you’re not on campus.”
“Vuk needs to know that he can see me outside of college hours, outside the campus,” I explain. “That’s an inevitability of our friendship. Without forgetting the task he was given by Graham, Aaron … I owe it to him.”