by Sia Wales
“I’m not tired” I reply, anxious to lighten the mood. “If you feel you are lowering your guard, I know a better way to do it. For example, a run in the woods, a tour of the lake, something of that sort.”
I reach for his face, as I try to curl up against him. His arms hold me tight, I can’t move. He takes my face in his hands.
“Stella, you don’t realize how things are, and your sarcasm threatens my self-control, and it’s not helping.”
“You’re right, I have to be the responsible one.”
“No. Let me be responsible for a few seconds, or a few minutes.” His whisper caresses my ear.
I look up and I see him looking at me. Too intensely. I see the excitement light up in his eyes. He displays a mischievous smile. His topaz eyes sparkle like precious stones, and he takes my breath away. He holds my face a few inches from his, giving me a mesmerizing gaze. He curls my hair around his fingers as he pulls me close. I breathe in his delicious scent.
“Will you let me explain how you threaten my self-control?”
He speaks in a poised tone, but his question is a bit condescending.
My breath turns into panting.
“Vuk, I…” I am so confused that my head is spinning, my heart is racing and my lips are burning.
“Let’s talk about it tomorrow. Today is still mine.”
His fingers run along my back and his breath is slowly getting closer to my skin. His eyes are burning and sparkling, always so intense.
He leans and with his lips, burning like an iron, touching my cheek. They take the shape of my cheekbone, perfectly. They are so soft, so familiar and as warm as fire.
I put my hands on his chest and I feel my legs give in. While he searches for the outline of my face with his fingers, his lips find the closest corner of my mouth. He hesitates, as if he’s trying to test me. He moves slowly as if he wanted to prolong the moment after the long wait. Perfect at last. He turns his head, and this time it’s different. I feel his hands caressing my face. His warm fingertips follow the contour of my lips. He tries hard to fight his instinct and to control his desire. He does not lose his poise. Finally, he displays a daring smile.
“Good night, little girl. Sweet dreams. Sleep well.”
“Vuk, I…” I’m still breathless.
He stops me with a quick kiss.
“I said not to worry,” he whispers. He tries to catch my glance as he offers his most charming smile.
“Will you do something for me, at least?” The beautiful emerald of his eyes melts my resistance.
“Anything you want,” I promise.
With his velvety lips he touches mine for the first time since a month ago, and with extreme gentleness he pries them open.
I need some time,” he says, smiling timidly. “I don’t have enough of it. And this is the way I deal with it.” His golden face gets close to my lips one more time. His lips start moving slowly and mold to mine, again. There is no urgency to end that kiss.
“This is what I need now. You,” Vuk confesses. “To taste you, to smell you again.”
One last kiss, as his lips taste mine. His sweet breath sends shivers through me as he holds me in his arms.
“This is unbearable. With anything I could have asked of you, this is all I want…just a kiss.”
When he lets go, my arms start shaking a little. He holds my hands firmly and kisses my fingers tenderly. He kisses them one by one and turns away. Neither one of us likes this moment––leaving, even if for a short while.
He sighs and gets ready to hop out of the window. In the brief moment I have before he does, I let him know that all is well between my dad and me, and that I will see him at school tomorrow. He takes his leave in a good mood.
“See ya soon!”
He jumps off the ledge and takes off in the direction of the forest, already shaking with the signs of the imminent transformation into his other self. He disappears into the woods in an instant.
I’m speechless.
I finally get into bed and I snuggle under the covers. It is less dark than last night. The light filters through the thin clouds. I turn in the sheets and close my eyes while holding the pillow.
It’s Vuk’s fault that I fall asleep crying. His kiss has fueled the fire of past emotions and memories and has melted my defenses.
Tonight I have a new dream; the sun shines on Vuk and me as we are sitting on our familiar wood trunk stranded on the sandy lakeshore. It’s a whole tree stranded there, roots and all. Our corner of paradise. He’s not my familiar Vuk. He’s the new Vuk. Bitter. He mumbles something and leans over to pick up a black stone from among the white ones at our feet. He throws it decisively on the water, with grace and precision.
While I stare at him, his face changes slowly. He reminds me of someone else. His fair complexion becomes pale and his eyes turn blue, then emerald, then blue again. My hand runs through his soft hair and as I caress it, the color turns from dark to golden. His face becomes perfectly god-like, enough to stop my breath. I reach for him anxiously but he backs up and pushes me back, his hands forming a shield. He vanishes, and Donn appears suddenly. He crosses the distance between us in a flash, like a fireball, and leans firmly into me. His lips touch my neck.
I wake up screaming at the top of my lungs. I wipe the tears from my eyes and feel panic get a hold of me. While trying to wake up, I see that it is early morning. I hold my pillow close and stretch out a little. I don’t know how long I’ve been crying. I sit up and wonder if Jeff is coming to check on me. It was not the usual scream of terror, but a deeper one. One of torment, of deep pain, deep-felt. I feel the soft cotton against my skin to help chase away the memory of the dream. I see that my father is not coming through the door. I control the urge to scream again and fall back on the bed, turning my back to the window.
Later, I hear Jeff leaving to go to a benefit golf tournament with Scott. He leaves before I get up and certainly will tell Scott all about last night, about my meeting with Vuk in the woods behind our house. Certainly Scott will tell Tyler. I arrive at school and turn into the parking lot, stopping close to the entrance. I see the red pickup above the other cars, parked in the same spot. I pull in next to it, as usual. I glance beyond the windshield and see that he’s not leaning against the car door, waiting for me.
After parking, I swallow hard trying to dissolve the knot that has been stuck in my throat since last night when I let him go. I have the feeling that he’s slipping through my hands and I can’t do anything about it.
I hear someone tap the side the side of the car. I look up expecting to see Jamie, but I see Vuk. On his face I see bitterness, and I hate it. He was already there, waiting for me, I just hadn’t seen him. I smile at him and sit and stare at him, speechless.
I open the door to greet him and realize that he’s in a bad mood. As usual, when the backpack is too heavy for me to carry, he takes it from my hand and we start walking, in silence. A silence that continues along the path takes us to our finance class. I already know why he’s in a bad mood. I hesitate to ask him why. The meeting with Donn is this afternoon, in the library. I feel impatient, as well as fearful. How long is this going to go on? The hesitation in Vuk’s eyes is not a good sign.
I keep waiting for something to happen, instead of protesting, as I would like to do. This is not working, and it’s not getting better during the class lecture. His bad mood seems to get better during class. But he still does not seem ready to discuss the matter.
I think back to last night, and I feel strange. He realizes it. I feel his left arm against me. It’s so warm that even the cold room temperature does not bother me.
If he’s hoping that our relationship can turn into more than a friendship, maybe I haven’t made myself clear. I will have to disappoint him. How can I make him see, in what other way? Maybe I should be more explicit. After all, I know that I cannot distance myself from him.
He’s silent and preoccupied, perhaps with thoughts that may resemble mine. C
ould he be changing his mind? I didn’t even think about lying, instead I should have. But I realize that lying would have been bad, and I would have hurt him. At this thought my heart shrinks, and Vuk presses his arm harder against mine.
Sometimes out of the corner of my eye I see him staring at me. He looks at me secretly but he does not say anything. I am afraid my head is going to explode any minute now, so I turn past the invisible boundaries between desks and look to Tess and Jamie. Suddenly I hear a piece of the desk creak and I turn to Vuk.
“We only have this one desk to sit at.” I say, calmly. “If you break it, not only do we have to pay for it, but we’ll also be out of a place to sit until they replace it.”
He looks out the window, in the direction of Medford, and remains silent for a few moments.
“Now, not only does he come to check on you when you’re out, but he’s also thinking about taking you out tomorrow night.” Vuk’s whisper is so low that Tess, seated only two desks away, cannot hear him. I think he’s talking to himself but his words are so intense that Jamie, sitting near me, turns around surprised.
I stare at his left hand, the one closest to mine.
“He’s not controlling me, he just came to see me.”
“As you wish,” he blurts out, and grabs the desk in a way I think he might break it apart. Then he lets go, finger by finger, while he concentrates hard and puts one hand into the other to remain calm. “Come on, it doesn’t matter after all.” I say, patiently. He looks up.
“Please tell me Stella…do you like me?” He asks in a calm tone as if he already knows the answer.
“What?”
“Do you think I am, say, handsome?” he asks, fearlessly. I sigh. It’s hard to find the right words.
“Yes, and you know it, too.” I answer. While I try to sound normal, he can sense a little anxiety. Nothing was more important than Vuk Wolf this last year of my life, but ever since Donn has appeared on the scene, Vuk seems determined to ruin everything and complicate things. He looks around.
“You like me more than all the human guys you know.” Here comes his arrogance again. “More than that jerk who worked with you behind the counter.” Bryan. “Even more than Tyler,”
“Yes” I nod. The smile that appears on his face is like the moon when it shines through thin clouds. Now I wish I would have stopped my tongue and I regret having said that. Furthermore, I never thought I wanted to fall in love with him.
“But there is nothing more,” I say quickly and turn silent. I risk hurting his feelings but if I don’t try, it would be too selfish. Will I be able to take this, too? He smiles at me.
“It’s ok, you know. It’s enough for me to just know this, for right now.” His eyes sparkle above his smirk. His eyes glisten with topaz for a moment.
“Vuk, I am not going to change my mind,” I warn him. I can’t stand the thought of hurting him, but I can’t avoid it to be clear about how I feel.
“I know, for now. But I’m ready to chase you forever,” he promises.
“It’s not worth it,” I rush in to say.
I need him too much and I’m selfish. Never would have I chosen something that would be against his well-being. He shakes his head, disappointed and disapproving while wrinkles appear on his forehead.
“It’s up to me to decide,” he says sharply.
“I’m serious, Vuk. Do not expect anything other than friendship from me.”
He deserves so much more than a difficult friend full of faults.
“I will try,” he says calmly and shrugs, but it’s not a promise. His voice has become rough.
“Are you ok?” I whisper.
“No, He gets on my nerves.” He means Donn.
“Relax,” I suggest. “I think the feeling is mutual.” A spark flies from his emerald eyes, as if lightning has struck out of the blue sky.
He smirks, gets up from the chair, and starts walking away as if some upsetting, impending doom has come back to mind. Judging by the sudden run to the exit, he has no intention to stay for lunch.
“Where are you going?” I ask, feeling empty. “You don’t have to, Vuk.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he says softly. I’m surprised to see that he has come back and taken back his seat next to mine. He probably still has some time before lunch and has to sit through his statistics and history classes.
“Please don’t go,” I insist, and he looks at me with reproach. “I’m so sorry.”
He silences me with his fingers on my lips.
“Vuk…” I whisper trying to move his hand away. It’s a weak attempt. It’s hard to believe that I’m really trying.
“You’ll be able to speak when you stop talking nonsense,” he nods, smiling.
“It’s ok, I won’t say it. But, beware!” I warn him as he moves his hand.
He looks up and offers a broad smile as a peace offering. I stare sweetly at him for a few moments. I hope he’s not doing this just to reassure me.
“Where is Drake?”
“He’s in Wolfeboro. He’s surveyed the woods and has spent part of the morning at the border. He’s checking to make sure that no one crosses it. I’m going to take over for a while.”
“Don’t stay out too late tonight. You need your rest, you can’t keep pulling double shifts,” I add with a hint of anxiety in my voice.
The lecture seems to go on longer than usual and I’m impatient. Is it because class needs to finally come to an end, or because I want Vuk to relax? He remains rigid and still, and he doesn’t even seem to breathe. What is wrong with today’s meeting in the library with Donn? He’s never acted this way. Maybe he’s holding on to some resentment from last night. I look in his direction, subtly. He’s checking me out, his green eyes marked by dark circles and agony.
I reopen the argument, or better, I tiptoe around it during the history lecture, which is covering the Revolutionary War. What a strange coincidence.
“Do you want to come over a little later? Just for a little while? So you can rest.” I have to find a plausible reason to invite him, because he would not come under another circumstance.
“Why are you asking me? You know that Jeff would not appreciate it.” He answers sharply.
“It just so happens that Jeff is golfing until dinner time, and…” I smile, “I need my friend.”
He seems to soften up a little.
“What do you want to do? Listen to music, talk or…?”
“Let’s watch a movie,” I say decidedly.
He looks at me strangely.
“A movie, on a Tuesday?”
“Yes.”
“What movies do you have that we can watch? I can’t remember.”
“Well, let’s see. I will make sure I have a good selection. What do you say about watching the zombie one? Maybe we can watch a movie we have not seen in a while.”
“May I drive?” He asks. That is the condition.
“Okay.” I answer, relieved. “Sure, yes!”
“Agreed.” He says, calmly. The lecture is still going but he gets up from the desk and is about to leave the classroom.
“Well, I’m going.” He whispers. “He is waiting.” He stares blankly without blinking. He points through the window to the massive building made of white stone on the main campus street, behind Fenway Park.
“No, stay here. You promised you would always stay.”
“Exactly.” Vuk leans up against me and whispers in my ear. He feels he has to go to the meeting for my sake. “I also know this…I know it’s for always.”
He shows my favorite smile, but I know there is something wrong. I try to hold him back by his arm. I feel his skin burn as it comes into contact with mine. He delicately moves my hand away and walks away taking big steps toward the library.
“I’ll wait for you by the office,” I say casually, trying to understand why he is so preoccupied.
“Good luck with the rest of history,” he nods. “Remember, you are in the middle of a batt
lefield.” He smirks as Professor Staffler is still in the middle of his lecture.
“You’ll see, I’ll get there before you do.” Vuk pushes the door of the lecture hall wide open to leave and stares at me for an endless moment. His topaz irises brighten my face for a quick instant, as they look at me one last time.
The Wait
A couple of hours later, I’m back on the familiar road that leads to Jeff’s house, heading toward the office. I’ve lowered the windows as I speed through the traffic of the city, enjoying the wind on my face. It’s a cloudy day, but dry. Perfect weather for Boston.
Considering my worries, and feeling the urgency to speak to Vuk about the result of today’s meeting, the drive home goes by in moments. On the right side of the road I see a man walking, holding a lit cigarette between his fingers. I’m a few yards from the office. With surprise, I realize the man is Vuk. He looks strange, and is alone. He is walking on the sidewalk, his head hanging low but his shoulders squared. He’s headed to our appointment, but halfway there he shakes his head in a perplexed way, and changes direction.
Very unusual.
He disappears on a side street, as if he has changed his mind. I attempt to follow him and for about 15 minutes I drive looking for him blindly through the narrow streets of the district, calling his name every so often. Finally, I find the main street I came from right before running into Vuk. I’m relieved to have found him, and I slow down to approach him by the side of the road. He has seen me, I’m sure. He raises his eyes as he hears the noise of the car approaching. His expression does not surprise me, it scares me. The wrinkles on his forehead reveal his preoccupation with something that is terribly wrong. I am afraid that that mysterious part of him has overcome the friend I met with last night, and he’s hiding something underneath his rough exterior. His eyes stare gloomily in mine and I pull over.
“Hey. Hi, Vuk.”
“Hi, little girl.” He greets me sadly, without enthusiasm. “Are you ok?” he asks. His voice is low and dry.
“Yes, I’m ok. And you?” I ask anxiously.
He reaches the door handle and taps his fingers against the side of the car.