by Ariel Tachna
“I’d better call,” Srikkanth mused.
“Or wait and come back,” Tricia suggested. “They usually give you enough to last a few days. That way, you’ll know for sure.”
“Okay,” Srikkanth decided. He could always pick it up at the grocery store or ask Jaime to. “So diapers, blankets, and clothes.”
“You can probably just get some sleepers, since it’s still cold outside,” Tricia counseled. “The dresses are cute and all, but not terribly practical when the temperatures are this low. Figure she’ll go through at least three outfits a day and then decide how often you want to do laundry.”
“Three?” Srikkanth echoed.
Tricia nodded. “By the time she’s done spitting up and having diaper leaks, three is a minimum for the first few months. A bib will help with some of the spitting up, but again, given how cold it is, you don’t want her skin to get chilled or chapped by wet clothing.”
Srikkanth flinched a little. “Okay, I guess I need to get a dozen sleepers. I can do laundry twice a week, but not much more than that with my schedule the way it is.” He picked out four three-packs and added them to the cart. The blankets were on a display nearby, so he grabbed four of those too. “Will that be enough?”
“Get a couple more,” Tricia encouraged. “She’s as likely to make a mess on her blanket as her clothes.”
Srikkanth did as she said.
“Okay, diapers are in the back and the toys are near checkout, and then I think you’re ready to go.”
“Thank you again so much for your help,” Srikkanth repeated. “I don’t think I ever would’ve gotten done without it.”
Tricia smiled. “Good luck with the baby, and don’t hesitate to come back if you need something else or even if you just have questions. We do everything we can to make the store baby and family friendly.”
“You’ve definitely succeeded today,” Jaime chimed in. “Go get diapers, Sri. I’m going to get her a couple of toys and I’ll meet you in the front.”
Srikkanth pushed the cart in the direction of the diapers, buying a big case on the theory that he’d use them and it would be easier to buy them now when he didn’t have Sophie with him. He met Jaime near the cashiers and shook his head at the pile of toys in his friend’s arms. Rattles, a stuffed rabbit, a set of plastic keys, and a package of pacifiers.
“What?” Jaime asked defensively. “Everything you got for her was practical. I wanted her to have something fun too.”
“You’re going to spoil her rotten.”
“No such thing,” Jaime insisted. “She’ll be happy and know she’s loved, and there’s no greater gift than that.”
Srikkanth couldn’t argue with that, so he didn’t try, simply getting in line and trying not to blanch when the cashier read him the total. Sophie was worth it, he reminded himself, and he could afford it.
As they drove back toward home, Jaime broached another subject. “Have you thought about daycare? Obviously you’ll want to stay home with her for a couple of months, but eventually you’ll have to go back to work.”
Srikkanth sighed again. “I can take up to twelve weeks with FMLA. I thought I’d take all of that first, and that’ll give me time to figure out what I want to do next. I know there are a lot of really good daycares out there, but a part of me keeps throwing up all the horror stories, even knowing those are the exceptions, not the rule.”
“Yeah,” Jaime agreed. “Mamá didn’t work until we were all old enough to start school. When my younger brother and sister surprised us several years later, one of my aunts watched them while she was at work. You have some time to figure it out. Let’s get this stuff home and set up so Sophie can come home tomorrow.”
Chapter 4
“Let’s get all this inside and unpacked,” Jaime said when they got back to the condo they shared. “We’ll see what time it is, and maybe you can even bring Sophie home tonight.”
Srikkanth felt his heart leap and his stomach fall at the thought. “I think I’d better wait until tomorrow,” he told Jaime. “It’s already four, and we don’t have anything ready, and by the time I get to the hospital, it’ll be late and—”
“Relax, Sri; it’s your choice,” Jaime interrupted. “Let’s get everything inside and unpacked and then you can decide. And if you’d rather wait until tomorrow, that’s fine.”
“I still have to set up my leave too,” Srikkanth reminded him. “I should actually do that first, even before we set up the nursery, so I can catch the human resources people before they leave for the day.”
“Good thought,” Jaime agreed. “You don’t want to have to mess with that hassle once you’ve brought Sophie home. You’ll want to focus entirely on her for awhile. Do you want me to carry stuff in while you’re taking care of that? I can even put her clothes in the laundry. I have some things that need to be washed too.”
“You’re sure you don’t mind?” Srikkanth verified. “I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
“I don’t mind at all,” Jaime promised. “I have to do a load anyway, and the blankets and sleepers won’t take up that much space. Although maybe I should wash the cover for the bassinet too. What do you think?”
“Yes, probably,” Srikkanth mused. “Are you sure that’s not too much trouble?”
“Go make your phone call,” Jaime insisted. “I’ll do laundry.”
“Thank you,” Srikkanth said as he headed upstairs to his room to argue with human resources. He knew it wouldn’t be an easy explanation, but he didn’t expect the conversation to take a full hour of explaining and reiterating and insisting. The company had to give him the time off—he remembered that from when the law passed—but apparently they didn’t have to make it easy.
Finally, they agreed to fax the paperwork to the hospital so it could be filled out. He would have to either continue working until it was processed, however, or take vacation days until the paperwork went through.
“Fine,” Srikkanth snapped. “If that’s the case, then get it set up to use my vacation. I simply want to bring my daughter home from the hospital.”
He resisted slamming the phone down as he hung up, reminding himself it wasn’t the woman’s fault Jill had died, leaving him in this unplanned situation. If he’d known ahead of time, if they’d been a couple and he’d had months to plan, he would have completed all the paperwork ahead of time, but none of this had been planned.
Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and summoned the image of Sophie sleeping in his arms as she’d done that morning. That alone settled his nerves. Taking a second deep breath, he opened them again and went down to see if Jaime wanted to help him make sense of setting up the playpen. He had a feeling he’d need it.
An hour later, baby bed assembled, Srikkanth leaned against the side of his mattress from his place on the floor and grinned at Jaime. “We make a pretty good team.”
“We do,” Jaime agreed, returning the smile. “Now we have to see how we do when Sophie actually gets here and we have to worry about more than how to put together a bed. And that means we should go figure out the car seat. She can’t come home if we can’t get the car seat installed.”
The car seat was easier than the bed, the latch system attaching to Srikkanth’s car with three quick snaps and two pulled straps. Srikkanth was tempted to go back to the hospital to see Sophie even though he knew it was too late to bring her home, but after some debate, he decided to stay home and finish unpacking and organizing everything. With Jaime’s help, he emptied a bookshelf, packing the contents away so he’d have a place to store Sophie’s empty bottles, her diaper bag, and all the rest of her paraphernalia. When everything was as prepared for her arrival as they could make it, Jaime went downstairs to watch TV, leaving Srikkanth to stare at the baby bed and bookshelf and wonder again at how his life had changed.
He trailed his fingers over the edge of the playpen, trying to imagine the infant he had held that morning sleeping quietly in the bassinet, but his imagination failed him
. He crossed to the shelf, picking up one of the rattles Jaime had bought. He shook it experimentally, trying to imagine Sophie’s little hand picking it up and shaking it, her laughter filling the room as she played. He didn’t know much about babies, but he did know not to expect that to happen right away. It wouldn’t be long, though, just a few months, before she’d be interacting more with the world, playing with toys, snuggling with her teddy bear. Srikkanth picked it up off the shelf, rubbing the soft velour against his face. Tears sprang to his eyes as he thought about Jill and Sophie and all the things he would get to experience with Sophie that Jill would never know. He started to set the bear back on the shelf, but he couldn’t quite let go of it. Telling himself he was being a sentimental fool, he carried the stuffed toy to his bed, holding it tightly as he sat down and tried once again to process everything that had happened in the past three days. He wouldn’t be able to settle his grief entirely, but he also suspected that tonight would be his last moment of peace and quiet for some time to come. He’d watched the nurses at the hospital that morning. They never sat down because one of the babies always needed something: a bottle, a clean diaper, a fresh blanket. Granted, they were taking care of more than one child at a time, but they actually knew what they were doing. Srikkanth didn’t have the slightest idea.
Settling on the bed, he stared at the ceiling, the bear clutched in his arms. He wanted to rail against the heavens for depriving him of his best friend and taking Sophie’s mother from her before Jill even had a chance to hold the baby she had dreamed about for so long. Silently, he promised himself a day would never go by without him telling Sophie how much her mother loved her and wanted her. He would hold her and rock her and love her and give her enough affection for two parents, even if he was only one man. His daughter would grow up so loved that she wouldn’t feel the lack of a mother.
The next morning, Srikkanth was at the hospital as soon as visiting hours began. The same nurse from the day before was there. She smiled and pointed to the rocking chair and brought Sophie to him. “She had a bit of a restless night,” the nurse explained. “I think she missed you.”
Srikkanth shook his head in automatic denial. “She doesn’t even know me. How could she possibly miss me?”
“You spent hours holding her yesterday,” the nurse reminded him. “She’s only three days old. She knows you better than anyone else in the world right now.”
Srikkanth couldn’t decide if that was more reassuring or frightening, but he could see the logic in the comment. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” he admitted to the nurse.
“Most first time parents don’t,” the woman said with an indulgent smile. “They get help from family and friends with more experience, and they make mistakes, and life goes on.”
“I just don’t want to do anything that might hurt her,” Srikkanth explained. “My parents are in India, and I share a condo with two other bachelors. Two other gay bachelors. What do any of us know about kids?”
If the nurse was surprised by Srikkanth’s revelation, she hid it well, straightening the blanket around Sophie’s chest with careful hands. “Stay here with her today,” she suggested. “I’ll teach you what I can while I’m on shift. I get off at two, and we’ll finish going over things then, when I can give you my undivided attention.”
“Thank you,” he said, unable to put his gratitude more clearly into words. Falling back on his childhood training, he brought his hands together, palms flat against each other as much as he was able with Sophie in his arms, bowing his head formally.
“You’re welcome,” the nurse said, clearly touched by the gesture. “She ate about an hour ago. I’m going to let you tell me when you think she’s ready to eat again. She hasn’t been a fussy baby, but she starts to get fidgety when she’s hungry.”
“I’ll watch for it,” Srikkanth promised, looking down at her peaceful face. It ought to be easy, as still as she was, to figure out when she was hungry.
He watched the nurses as they bustled around the nursery, trying to separate what was routine for all babies—and therefore something he would need to know how to do—from what was only for the sicker babies—and therefore something he wouldn’t need to worry about. He watched them take temperatures and change diapers, test reflexes and feed bottles. When a sudden, foul smell emanated from the baby in his arms, he got his lesson in diapering.
The nurse laughed at the look of disgust on his face as he took off the dirty diaper and wiped Sophie clean. Srikkanth wanted to be disgruntled about the entire process, but it was hard when, redressed in a clean diaper, Sophie sighed in contentment and turned her head against his chest as if reassuring herself he was still there.
“You can say whatever you want,” the nurse said with a smile. “She’s your daughter now. I’ve been in this nursery for twenty years, and I can always tell when they figure out who their parents are.”
“Really?” Srikkanth asked, feeling ridiculous for needing the reassurance.
The nurse smiled and nodded. “It’s as clear as day to me,” she promised. “Give me another hour and I’ll go over everything with you so you can take her home.”
Srikkanth smiled down at Sophie. “Are you ready for that, betti? Jaime and I set everything up for you last night. Your bed, your tub, your toys. All that’s missing is you.”
As predicted, about an hour after Srikkanth arrived, Sophie started squirming in his arms. “I think she’s hungry,” he called to the nurse.
“There’s a pre-mixed bottle in the cabinet beneath the sink,” she replied. “Open it and put it in the crock pot for about three minutes. That will warm it up for her. At home, you’ll want to use a bottle warmer so you don’t have to keep a crock pot hot all day.”
“We bought one yesterday, but I still don’t understand why I can’t just use the microwave,” Srikkanth said, placing Sophie carefully in her bed so he could prepare the bottle as directed.
“Don’t do that!” the nurse exclaimed. “For one thing, the water doesn’t always heat evenly and you could burn her mouth with it, but even more than that, the radiation can break down the proteins and keep her from getting all the nutrition she needs.”
Srikkanth made a mental note to thank Jaime for making him buy a bottle warmer as he waited impatiently for the crock pot to heat the milk. He also noticed the brand name of the formula: Enfamil, as Tricia had guessed it would be. He didn’t want to stop on the way home with Sophie in tow, but he was sure Jaime would either make a grocery run for him or watch Sophie while he went out later.
Srikkanth was pleased with himself when he remembered to burp Sophie part way through her meal. She smacked her lips comically when she was done before settling back into Srikkanth’s arms like she didn’t ever intend to move.
When the nurse finished her shift, Srikkanth had finally stopped feeling like he was going to drop her every time she moved. “You seem more at ease,” she observed, sitting down beside him.
“It’s starting to feel more natural,” he agreed, “although I’m sure I still have a lot to learn.”
“There’s always more to learn,” she laughed, “but most of that comes best through experience. We’ve talked about feeding her already, and you’ve changed her diaper a few times, so you can handle that. Since you’re bottle-feeding her, she won’t have the skin-to-skin contact that nursing babies get with their mothers. You’ll want to think about that sometimes. It does a lot to soothe them. Beyond that, the biggest thing to watch no matter what you’re doing is to make sure you support her head. If the bath water is a little warm or a little cool, she might be uncomfortable, but it won’t hurt her in the long run. Damage to her neck could kill her if it’s severe enough.”
Srikkanth flinched, pulling her closer to him protectively. “What about her baths?” he asked since the nurse had brought it up.
“Every few days,” the nurse advised, “or if she gets particularly dirty. The most important thing will be to keep her hands and her bottom clean. It won
’t be long before she starts putting her hands in her mouth, and you don’t want her to get a diaper rash, because it hurts and will make her fussy.”
“So how do I avoid it?” Srikkanth asked.
“Change her diaper often, especially if she’s dirty, and use a protective cream; Desitin or Aquafor or Dr. Smith’s all work well,” the nurse advised. “You’ll want to find a good pediatrician too. She’ll need her vaccines and regular well-child visits.”
Srikkanth’s worry must have shown on his face, because the nurse patted his hand comfortingly and added, “I’ll give you a list of a few the hospital works with. You can see if any of them are in your area. You’ll want to get her in for a visit within a couple of weeks. She hasn’t shown signs of any problems from the delivery, but it’s better to have her regular doctor see her as soon as possible so he or she can get a baseline. Now is there anything else worrying you?”