TEDDY. A tick?
LENNY. Yes.
TEDDY. Well, what is it?
LENNY. I don’t know.
Pause.
TEDDY. Have you got a clock in your room?
LENNY. Yes.
TEDDY. Well, maybe it’s the clock.
LENNY. Yes, could be, I suppose.
Pause.
Well, if it’s the clock I’d better do something about it, Stifle it in some way, or something.
Pause.
TEDDY. I’ve … just come back for a few days
LENNY. Oh yes? Have you?
Pause.
TEDDY. How’s the old man?
LENNY. He’s in the pink.
Pause.
TEDDY. I’ve been keeping well.
LENNY. Oh, have you?
Pause.
Staying the night then, are you?
TEDDY. Yes.
LENNY. Well, you can sleep in your old room.
TEDDY. Yes, I’ve been up.
LENNY. Yes, you can sleep there.
LENNY yawns.
Oh well.
TEDDY. I’m going to bed.
LENNY. Are you?
TEDDY. Yes, I’ll get some sleep.
LENNY. Yes I’m going to bed, too.
TEDDY picks up the cases.
I’ll give you a hand.
TEDDY. No, they’re not heavy.
TEDDY goes into the hall with the cases.
LENNY turns out the light in the room.
The light in the hall remains on.
LENNY follows into the hall.
LENNY. Nothing you want?
TEDDY. Mmmm?
LENNY. Nothing you might want, for the night? Glass of water, anything like that?
TEDDY. Any sheets anywhere?
LENNY. In the sideboard in your room.
TEDDY. Oh, good.
LENNY. Friends of mine occasionally stay there, you know, in your room, when they’re passing through this part of the world.
LENNY turns out the hall light and turns on the first landing light.
TEDDY begins to walk up the stairs.
TEDDY. Well, I’ll see you at breakfast, then.
LENNY. Yes, that’s it. Ta-ta.
TEDDY goes upstairs.
LENNY goes off L.
Silence.
The landing light goes out.
Slight night light in the hall and room.
LENNY comes back into the room, goes to the window and looks out.
He leaves the window and turns on a lamp.
He is holding a small clock.
He sits, places the clock in front of him, lights a cigarette and sits.
RUTH comes in the front door.
She stands still LENNY turns his head, smiles. She walks slowly into the room.
LENNY. Good evening.
RUTH. Morning, I think.
LENNY. You’re right there.
Pause.
My name’s Lenny. What’s yours?
RUTH. Ruth.
She sits, puts her coat collar around her.
LENNY. Cold?
RUTH. No.
LENNY. It’s been a wonderful summer, hasn’t it? Remark able.
Pause.
Would you like something? Refreshment of some kind? An aperitif, anything like that?
RUTH. No, thanks.
LENNY. I’m glad you said that. We haven’t got a drink in the house. Mind you, I’d soon get some in, if we had a party or something like that. Some kind of celebration … you know.
Pause.
You must be connected with my brother in some way. The one who’s been abroad.
RUTH. I’m his wife.
LENNY. Eh listen, I wonder if you can advise me. I’ve been having a bit of a rough time with this clock. The tick’s been keeping me up. The trouble is I’m not all that convinced it was the clock. I mean there are lots of things which tick in the night, don’t you find that? All sorts of objects, which, in the day, you wouldn’t call anything else but commonplace. They give you no trouble. But in the night any given one of a number of them is liable to start letting out a bit of a tick. Whereas you look at these objects in the day and they’re just commonplace. They’re as quiet as mice during the daytime. So … all things being equal … this question of me saying it was the clock that woke me up, well, that could very easily prove something of a false hypothesis.
He goes to the sideboard, pours from a jug into a glass, takes the glass to RUTH.
Here you are. I bet you could do with this.
RUTH. What is it?
LENNY. Water.
She takes it, sips, places the glass on a small table by her chair.
LENNY watches her.
Isn’t it funny? I’ve got my pyjamas on and you’re fully dressed.
He goes to the sideboard and pours another glass of water.
Mind if I have one? Yes, it’s funny seeing my old brother again after all these years. It’s just the sort of tonic my Dad needs, you know. He’ll be chuffed to his bollocks in the morning, when he sees his eldest son. I was surprised myself when I saw Teddy, you know. Old Ted. I thought he was in America.
RUTH. We’re on a visit to Europe.
LENNY. What, both of you?
RUTH. Yes.
LENNY. What, you sort of live with him over there, do you?
RUTH. We’re married.
LENNY. On a visit to Europe, eh? Seen much of it?
RUTH. We’ve just come from Italy.
LENNY. Oh, you went to Italy first, did you? And then he brought you over here to meet the family, did he? Well, the old man’ll be pleased to see you, I can tell you.
RUTH. Good.
LENNY. What did you say?
RUTH. Good.
Pause.
LENNY. Where’d you go to in Italy?
RUTH. Venice.
LENNY. Not dear old Venice? Eh? That’s funny. You know, I’ve always had a feeling that if I’d been a soldier in the last war – say in the Italian campaign – I’d probably have found myself in Venice. I’ve always had that feeling. The trouble was I was too young to serve, you see. I was only a child, I was too small, otherwise I’ve got a pretty shrewd idea I’d probably have gone through Venice. Yes, I’d almost certainly have gone through it with my battalion. Do you mind if I hold your hand?
RUTH. Why?
LENNY. Just a touch.
He stands and goes to her.
Just a tickle.
RUTH. Why?
He looks down at her.
LENNY. I’ll tell you why.
Slight pause.
One night, not too long ago, one night down by the docks, I was standing alone under an arch, watching all the men jibbing the boom, out in the harbour, and playing about with a yardarm, when a certain lady came up to me and made me a certain proposal. This lady had been searching for me for days. She’d lost tracks of my whereabouts. However, the fact was she eventually caught up with me, and when she caught up with me she made me this certain proposal. Well, this proposal wasn’t entirely out of order and normally I would have subscribed to it. I mean I would have subscribed to it in the normal course of events. The only trouble was she was falling apart with the pox. So I turned it down. Well, this lady was very insistent and started taking liberties with me down under this arch, liberties which by any criterion I couldn’t be expected to tolerate, the facts being what they were, so I clumped her one. It was on my mind at the time to do away with her, you know, to kill her, and the fact is, that as killings go, it would have been a simple matter, nothing to it. Her chauffeur, who had located me for her, he’d popped round the corner to have a drink, which just left this lady and myself, you see, alone, standing underneath this arch, watching all the steamers steaming up, no one about, all quiet on the Western Front, and there she was up against this wall – well, just sliding down the wall, following the blow I’d given her. Well, to sum up, everything was in my favour, for a killing. Don’t worry about the chauffeur. The chauffeur
would never have spoken. He was an old friend of the family. But … in the end I thought … Aaah, why go to all the bother … you know, getting rid of the corpse and all that, getting yourself into a state of tension. So I just gave her another belt in the nose and a couple of turns of the boot and sort of left it at that.
RUTH. How did you know she was diseased?
LENNY. How did I know?
Pause.
I decided she was.
Silence.
You and my brother are newly-weds, are you?
RUTH. We’ve been married six years.
LENNY. He’s always been my favourite brother, old Teddy. Do you know that? And my goodness we are proud of him here, I can tell you. Doctor of Philosophy and all that … leaves quite an impression. Of course, he’s a very sensitive man, isn’t he? Ted. Very. I’ve often wished I was as sensitive as he is.
RUTH. Have you?
LENNY. Oh yes. Oh yes, very much so. I mean, I’m not saying I’m not sensitive. I am. I could just be a bit more so, that’s all.
RUTH. Could you?
LENNY. Yes, just a bit more so, that’s all.
Pause.
I mean, I am very sensitive to atmosphere, but I tend to get desensitized, if you know what I mean, when people make unreasonable demands on me. For instance, last Christmas I decided to do a bit of snow-clearing for the Borough Council, because we had a heavy snow over here that year in Europe. I didn’t have to do this snow-clearing – I mean I wasn’t financially embarrassed in any way – it just appealed to me, it appealed to something inside me. What I anticipated with a good deal of pleasure was the brisk cold bite in the air in the early morning. And I was right. I had to get my snowboots on and I had to stand on a corner, at about five-thirty in the morning, to wait for the lorry to pick me up, to take me to the allotted area. Bloody freezing. Well, the lorry came, I jumped on the tailboard, headlights on, dipped, and off we went. Got there, shovels up, fags on, and off we went, deep into the December snow, hours before cockcrow. Well, that morning, while I was having my mid-morning cup of tea in a neighbouring cafe, the shovel standing by my chair, an old lady approached me and asked me if I would give her a hand with her iron mangle. Her brother-in-law, she said, had left it for her, but he’d left it in the wrong room, he’d left it in the front room. Well, naturally, she wanted it in the back room. It was a present he’d given her, you see, a mangle, to iron out the washing. But he’d left it in the wrong room, he’d left it in the front room, well that was a silly place to leave it, it couldn’t stay there. So I took time off to give her a hand. She only lived up the road. Well, the only trouble was when I got there I couldn’t move this mangle. It must have weighed about half a ton. How this brother-in-law got it up there in the first place I can’t even begin to envisage. So there I was, doing a bit of shoulders on with the mangle, risking a rupture, and this old lady just standing there, waving me on, not even lifting a little finger to give me a helping hand. So after a few minutes I said to her, now look here, why don’t you stuff this iron mangle up your arse? Anyway, I said, they’re out of date, you want to get a spin drier. I had a good mind to give her a workover there and then, but as I was feeling jubilant with the snow-clearing I just gave her a short-arm jab to the belly and jumped on a bus outside. Excuse me, shall I take this ashtray out of your way?
RUTH. It’s not in my way.
LENNY. It seems to be in the way of your glass. The glass was about to fall. Or the ashtray. I’m rather worried about the carpet. It’s not me, it’s my father. He’s obsessed with order and clarity. He doesn’t like mess. So, as I don’t believe you’re smoking at the moment, I’m sure you won’t object if I move the ashtray.
He does so.
And now perhaps I’ll relieve you of your glass.
RUTH. I haven’t quite finished.
LENNY. You’ve consumed quite enough, in my opinion.
RUTH. No, I haven’t.
LENNY. Quite sufficient, in my own opinion.
RUTH. Not in mine, Leonard.
Pause.
LENNY. Don’t call me that, please.
RUTH. Why not?
LENNY. That’s the name my mother gave me.
Pause.
Just give me the glass.
RUTH. No.
Pause.
LENNY. I’ll take it, then.
RUTH. If you take the glass … I’ll take you.
Pause.
LENNY. How about me taking the glass without you taking me?
RUTH. Why don’t I just take you?
Pause.
LENNY. You’re joking.
Pause.
You’re in love, anyway, with another man. You’ve had a secret liaison with another man. His family didn’t even know. Then you come here without a word of warning and start to make trouble.
She picks up the glass and lifts it towards him.
RUTH. Have a sip. Go on. Have a sip from my glass.
He is still.
Sit on my lap. Take a long cool sip.
She pats her lap. Pause.
She stands, moves to him with the glass.
Put your head back and open your mouth.
LENNY. Take that glass away from me.
RUTH. Lie on the floor. Go on. I’ll pour it down your throat.
LENNY. What are you doing, making me some kind of proposal?
She laughs shortly, drains the glass.
RUTH. Oh, I was thirsty.
She smiles at him, puts the glass dawn, goes into the hall and up the stairs.
He follows into the hall and shouts up the stairs.
LENNY. What was that supposed to be? Some kind of proposal?
Silence.
He comes back into the room, goes to his own glass, drains it.
A door slams upstairs.
The landing light goes on.
MAX comes down the stairs, in pyjamas and cap. He comes into the room.
MAX. What’s going on here? You drunk?
He stares at LENNY.
What are you shouting about? You gone mad?
LENNY pours another glass of water.
Prancing about in the middle of the night shouting your head off. What are you, a raving lunatic?
LENNY. I was thinking aloud.
MAX. Is Joey down here? You been shouting at Joey?
LENNY. Didn’t you hear what I said, Dad? I said I was thinking aloud.
MAX. You were thinking so loud you got me out of bed.
LENNY. Look, why don’t you just … pop off, eh?
MAX. Pop off? He wakes me up in the middle of the night, I think we got burglars here, I think he’s got a knife stuck in him, I come down here, he tells me to pop off.
LENNY sits down.
He was talking to someone. Who could he have been talking to? They’re all asleep. He was having a conversation with someone. He won’t tell me who it was. He pretends he was thinking aloud. What are you doing, hiding someone here?
LENNY. I was sleepwalking. Get out of it, leave me alone, will you?
MAX. I want an explanation, you understand? I asked you who you got hiding here.
Pause.
LENNY. I’ll tell you what, Dad, since you’re in the mood for a bit of a … chat, I’ll ask you a question. It’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask you for some time. That night … you know … the night you got me … that night with Mum, what was it like? Eh? When I was just a glint in your eye. What was it like? What was the background to it? I mean, I want to know the real facts about my background. I mean, for instance, is it a fact that you had me in mind all the time, or is it a fact that I was the last thing you had in mind?
Pause.
I’m only asking this in a spirit of inquiry, you understand that, don’t you? I’m curious. And there’s lots of people of my age share that curiosity, you know that, Dad? They often ruminate, sometimes singly, sometimes in groups, about the true facts of that particular night – the night they were made in the image of those two people at it. It�
��s a question long overdue, from my point of view, but as we happen to be passing the time of day here tonight I thought I’d pop it to you.
Pause.
MAX. You’ll drown in your own blood.
LENNY. If you prefer to answer the question in writing I’ve got no objection.
MAX stands.
I should have asked my dear mother. Why didn’t I ask my dear mother? Now it’s too late. She’s passed over to the other side.
MAX spits at him.
LENNY looks down at the carpet.
Now look what you’ve done. I’ll have to Hoover that in the morning, you know.
MAX turns and walks up the stairs.
LENNY sits still.
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTS UP.
Morning.
JOEY in front of the mirror. He is doing some slow limbering-up exercises. He stops, combs his hair, carefully. He then shadowboxes, heavily, watching himself in the mirror.
MAX comes in from U.L.
Both MAX and JOEY are dressed, MAX watches JOEY in silence. JOEY stops shadowboxing, picks up a newspaper and sits.
Silence.
MAX. I hate this room.
Pause.
It’s the kitchen I like. It’s nice in there. It’s cosy.
Pause.
But I can’t stay in there. You know why? Because he’s always washing up in there, scraping the plates, driving me out of the kitchen, that’s why.
JOEY. Why don’t you bring your tea in here?
MAX. I don’t want to bring my tea in here. I hate it here. I want to drink my tea in there.
He goes into the hall and looks towards the kitchen.
What’s he doing in there?
He returns.
What’s the time?
JOEY. Half past six.
MAX. Half past six.
Pause.
I’m going to see a game of football this afternoon. You want to come?
Pause.
I’m talking to you.
JOEY. I’m training this afternoon. I’m doing six rounds with
Blackie.
MAX. That’s not till five o’clock. You’ve got time to see a game of football before five o’clock. It’s the first game of the season.
JOEY. No, I’m not going.
MAX. Why not?
Pause.
MAX goes into the hall.
Sam! Come here!
MAX comes back into the room.
SAM enters with a cloth.
SAM. What?
Harold Pinter Plays 3 Page 3