Francesca pulled the branches away from the river.
As she worked, Izzy asked, "How do you enjoy living with the Starrys?"
Francesca swore. "Kat is so bossy; she tries to make me something I ain't."
Izzy shook her head. "All good mamas nag their kids like that. She wants to help you make the best out of this life and wants to help you know that. She loves you, you know."
"She's never told me," Francesca muttered.
Izzy knew it was probably because Starrys didn't say “I love you” lightly. She should know that. Maybe Katrina didn't want to overwhelm Francesca by being too overbearing. She might say something, but Katrina needed to learn things on her own because Izzy wouldn't always be here for her. "But she does, she gets everything you need, she takes on the fights with you because she loves you enough to make you do it. If she didn't care she wouldn't take the time to fight, she would just do it herself."
Francesca pouted. "She doesn't understand me. She has lived such an easier life."
Izzy came up and sat on the ground by the river, letting the water run over her feet. She motioned for Francesca to do the same, so they might have a wet ride home. Staying silent for a while, they just watched the river run. "Maybe God gave Katrina to the Starrys so she could raise you. I don't think I could do it."
Francesca looked at her in surprise. "Why not?"
Izzy looked away. "My past wouldn't let me. Growing up was rough. After my pa beat me most of my childhood, I didn't think much could be worse. But it got much worse."
Izzy could hear the shock in Francesca's voice. "How did you live through it and get past it?"
Izzy scoffed. "I didn't get past it. You don't get past something like that, but you live through it and live with it."
Francesca asked again, "How do you live with it? I feel like the only thing I am good at is sex."
Izzy thought she might throw up. She hated thinking about it, let alone talking about it. Francesca needed to know someone else had been there and gotten through. And she knew girls like Francesca were used to talking about sex, just like the weather. "Horses - they saved me. I found my Phoenix." She tipped her head to where Phoenix was grazing. "He was a wild abused mustang. He was so broken and so was I. You can say we saved each other. I felt again while riding him, for I had to hold on with my knees and legs. I had to feel my body and emotions again." From the look on Francesca's face, she knew what Izzy was talking about. She should be a young woman, worried about school and cute boys, not worried about what men had done to her. "I also had a cousin help me. She put her life on hold for me, literally. She stayed with me till I could make it on my own." She smoothed out her skirt. "And definitely I had God."
Francesca moved away a little more but stayed sitting. "If God was so strong for you, then why would He let it happen in the first place?"
"I asked my God that so often. I thought I would cry my tears out." She took Francesca's hand. "Men who wanted to get back at my white family took me. I can say God didn't want it to happen but evil men made that choice. I believe God helped me get through so I could say there is hope at the end of the tunnel. I told so many ladies before that they could get through, but I didn't know what that meant till I walked in a month in their lives." She paused again and made herself say the words, "When I was in slavery I got two other women out of the prostitute life, I couldn't have done that if I hadn't been there."
Francesca looked at her in disgust and despair. "You lived in prostitution for a month." Her face was angry, and she tried to pull away from Izzy.
Izzy didn't let go, she was much stronger. "Talk, yell, tell me what you think."
"You lived a month in that life?" Francesca cried. "I bet they found you because of your wealth, right?"
Izzy didn't answer. It was a miracle they found her by her cousin that day in Reno. She didn't know why some got out of it sooner than others. It wasn’t so easy to answer. Including why her sisters were never hurt by their father, while he beat her, her brother, and their ma.
Francesca cried out. "The same kind of men took my baby stage since my ma was working for them." She didn't let the tears fall, just glared in such rage. "I was five when I first knew a man, they took my childhood. They took my teen years and then they took my entire life. They changed how I look at life. They didn’t care what they did to me, only what it did for them.”
She tried to pull away again, but Izzy now took her hands in hers and didn’t let go. She had met her match, Izzy was hard core.
Izzy knew from the other girls that Francesca was younger than five when the abuse started. The children were tied under their mamma's bed or locked in a closet while men raped her ma.
Francesca cried in despair. "They took my past, my thoughts, my future, my will, they took my body." She finally stopped fighting and sagged her shoulders. "They took everything. Men and sex took my childhood and my teens. It's all I think about! Sex is all I know. I hate it, but I am addicted to it."
Izzy nodded. "You just admitted it. Admitting is the first thing to beat it." She looked at her with such love and understanding. "Let God help you take it away."
Francesca looked despaired. "I will never be the same again. I can never get it back."
"But God can restore you as a person." She bit her lip. "Francesca, there is something to remember. Those men that did that to you, it was their filth, their sin, not yours. God will judge those men one day for what they did to His precious children."
Francesca shrugged with anguish.
Izzy looked away for a moment. "It was so important for parents to protect their children better, even adult children. They went on working saying that will make it end, never speak of it, do nothing about it, bury it and it will always go away." Izzy had needed to talk about it and she had to her cousin, but sometimes she still felt broken and everyone saw that. She felt it even more when she was with Jesse. He didn't seem like he was a man who would understand her past. "You can always talk to Katrina or even Andrew about this."
Francesca made a face. "Normal people don't talk about unspeakable things..”
Izzy smiled. "Well, then it's a good thing the Starry ain't normal folk. Just ask any of their old neighbors." She added, her voice hardened, "Francesca, I was kidnapped because of my wealth. I was a Cooper. Cole and I changed our name to Donavon."
Francesca stared at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"Every woman's abuse is hard. It's how you handle it. They also took my future." She looked away. "I can't bear children because of that month of abuse."
"No!" Francesca cried.
"I told no one that, not even my brother."
"Why not?"
Izzy sighed, thinking of the man who raised her. "Cole was so hurt and angry over what happened. I couldn't burden him with more."
"Why not tell Annie?"
Izzy laughed harshly. "Annie wouldn't understand and we ain't close."
"You haven't told Jesse?"
Izzy stayed still. "No."
"Why?" Francesca looked at her. "I thought you were healed?"
Izzy looked at her. "I am by the grace of God, but it doesn't mean I don't struggle every day." She whispered, "Find a man who will understand."
Francesca nodded sadly.
Izzy tried to lighten the mood. "Talk to Katrina about it, one of my struggles was I didn't talk about it."
Francesca shrugged. "I'll try."
Izzy stared at her feet with the water running over them.
She looked into Francesca's hurting eyes. "You know when you step on the ground, it is where a dozen other people have stepped, dirty and ugly. But a river, when you step in a river, it is always a fresh step, never the same, always clean and made new. When you bathe in the river, the dirt goes away down the river and you are clean again." She paused. "This life takes you through the dirt and the filth that men caused, but God takes you through the river. You might make mistakes, but He is always at the river making you clean. Making you pure and whole
again. Because He paid the price when He died for you. He took your dirt and filth on Himself to make you whole again because you are His beautiful child."
Francesca looked at the river, not fully understanding this kind of love. Maybe the Starry family would make her see the truth.
NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME, Katrina realized how sheltered her children were. "You mean you have never been in a store at all?" She wanted to make sure but not put them on the spot as the girls and Izzy walked into town for the first time. They had just finished breakfast and planned to have lunch with Mabel, who was meeting them in town.
Sara shook her head.
"Nope, never been to one," Carlissa said.
"I stole food from the store," Francesca whispered. "A store owner gave me a doll once." She added bitterly, "Ma's men broke it."
“I am sorry about that.” Katrina put her arm around her shoulders and gave her a brief hug. "Well, have to make a day out of it, my dear." She kept her voice light.
Izzy nodded like she did the right thing. "Kat, I am running by the bank. I'll check up with you later."
Katrina walked down the sidewalk and towards the general store. She noticed Carlissa's back went straight as a board, her eyes wide, her hands into fists. Katrina laid a hand on her shoulder and got no response, which was a surprise. Carlissa continued to look around. She hadn't acted that way in church, but she still seemed a little dazed.
In front of the store, Carlissa started screaming. The scream was fake and loud. It embarrassed Katrina since people were watching in the street, but she was more worried about why she was doing this.
Carlissa fell on her back, still screaming with not a tear on her face and her eyes glaring as if she could kill.
Katrina tried talking to her over the screaming. "Carlissa, what is wrong? Calm down, dear. It's okay. Nothing bad will happen. I am here, Carlissa."
Nothing Katrina said helped at all. She prayed God would help the child. Then she saw Mabel come onto the walk. She nearly cried in relief.
Mabel grabbed Carlissa's shoulders gently. "It's okay, love," she said over the screaming. "It will not hurt you; nothing will hurt you. It is just a store that you buy food in." Carlissa's screaming quieted just a little. "You don't even have to go in. Easy, baby."
Carlissa quieted down a little more, but her little body was still shaking. She screamed in Mabel's face, "I hate you. I don't like you."
Mabel didn't even flinch. "I understand more than you know." She paused. "You are afraid, and that is why you're screaming. You need to control these emotions. No one will hurt you here. That is a promise."
Carlissa stopped screaming but still shook. "I hate you."
Mabel stood but still held her. "Katrina, why don't you go shopping with the other girls. I'll stay here with Carlissa and my youngins'."
Katrina looked at her like she was crazy. "Are you sure?" she signed. Mabel just nodded.
In the store Katrina found some flowered fabric and she asked, "Do you like this fabric, Francesca?"
Francesca shrugged like she didn't care, but Katrina could see the fear behind those pretty eyes.
After getting some candy, and looking over some toys for Carlissa, Francesca began to relax and the day wasn't a waste. Francesca enjoyed looking over the material.
"What color would you like to wear?" Katrina asked her.
Francesca showed her age, wringing her hands. "I am not sure. What do you think?"
"This purple would look good on you," Katrina told her.
She nodded. "Sure."
As Gabby cut out three yards, Katrina turned to look at the undergarments, stockings, and other items they would need. The girls walked to another part of the store.
She felt someone tap her shoulder; she expected to see Francesca or Sara. Instead, she was faced with a lady who had not been at the sewing circle, someone she hadn’t met. Katrina had learned to know faces since she only missed some of what they said. She spoke, hoping she didn't miss something. "Can I help you?"
"I told you already. I am Nancy Graham," she said through gritted teeth. "I heard you are the new one in town with your young husband. I thought you would be normal, but you are just like Mabel Alexandria. You know she is half crazy with those children she has. You must be just as crazy. They are trouble."
Katrina gasped, taking a step back. Her thoughts went back to the past after Andrew and Katrina had been burned in the fire, a former Matron had seen them in the street and yelled, "You's just a pretty face with no brain, dummy. And now your body is scarred and ugly, just like your brain." The lady seemed to look under Katrina's scarf she had around her neck. She was the only child who wore a scarf in the heat of summer. "Least you's have you's hair. Maybe a man would want you. Maybe your face will get a man. Cause your body won't." Katrina had such a hard time after that, and it didn't help that she had been struggling with the hearing she had lost and the amount of pain she had suffered. Now she patted her hair as if she were trying to hide the scars that were still there.
Coming back to the present, this lady sounded like the same ignorant person who did not understand what those girls had faced in their young lives. She felt like yelling, "You try living a day in their life and find out how you deal with it.” She told her instead, "What does it matter what I do with my life now that I have moved here? I don't plan to go near you." She paused. "And I never want to hear you ever talk about my daughters that way because it is very untrue and they will prove that to you one day."
Mrs. Graham went silent.
Gabby nodded. “Bout time someone put Mrs. Graham in her place.”
Katrina stepped out of the aisle, then saw Francesca and Sara behind her. She took Sara in her arms. Katrina just hoped the lady stayed silent. Too late. She did not get her wish.
"Well, since you're as crazy as Mabel Alexander, guess nothing can be done," the lady said. "You know there are children like that at Liberty House, and that place is a mess. These children are from asylum. You want children to control your home?"
Katrina wasn’t sure how she knew the girls were from the asylum but it didn’t take long to figure that out. She felt Sara tense even more and Francesca stepped away from her. "It is my home, my life, and I love these girls. So we don't mind if they are in my home controlling it, as you say." Both girls were looking at her to see her response.
"Well, I just hope you know what you're getting into." Her face was still hard and set.
Katrina felt someone behind her. She looked to see Izzy, looking in control. "Hi, Mrs. Graham, I am Izzy Donavon. We have met in the past." She paused. "I was there when you adopted your children from Liberty House. I was sorry to hear it didn't work with your children." She paused, choosing her words carefully. "Only a mother's heart can understand that love and pain you suffered. Just don't let the bitterness of your children hurt others like Katrina. And you turned your back on the only friend you had at that time. Who was there for you when you sent the children back to us? It was Mabel Alexander and you know it. She never once judged you when it wasn't the right home for them."
Mrs. Graham's face didn't change, more angry and hurt than Katrina thought possible. "I just didn't love my children."
Izzy walked up to her and put a hand on her arm. "You and I both know that is not true, because if you hadn't loved them you would have sent them back to the asylum and not to my home. You knew they needed a loving home and not a government mental place. I know you loved them and gave them all you could. Don't let it destroy who you are. Let God help you through this pain."
At the mention of God, she pulled away. "God didn't heal my children when I begged Him to. God didn't give me children who could be loved." She walked away on that note.
Katrina gave Izzy a soft smile. "Thank you."
Izzy shrugged. "She is in a lot of pain."
After collecting their items and heading outside, Katrina handed Carlissa a piece of candy. She looked at it funny but didn't take it. "What is it?"
"Candy
, Carlissa," Katrina told her.
Carlissa still looked at it like she’d never seen such a thing before.
Katrina bent down to Carlissa's level. She seemed calm after the screaming fit. "It's something you suck on, sweetie. Here, put it in your mouth."
Carlissa looked shocked. "I am not a baby. Only baby's suck."
Katrina smiled and told herself not to laugh at Carlissa. "No, you lick it."
Carlissa licked it. "It's sweet! I've never had candy."
Katrina's mouth dropped open. "You have never had sugar?"
She shook her head and moved her eyes all around.
Katrina noticed her distress and wasn't sure why. "We must get you lots of sugar cause you are so sweet." She tickled her and kissed her cheek.
Chapter 10
As Katrina, Izzy, Mabel, and the girls headed to the Alexander ranch, Francesca asked what happened to Mrs. Graham's children. The younger children ran up ahead, but Sara had stayed back. Katrina took Sara in her arms again. Katrina noticed she didn't mind being touched in public. "Well, Mrs. Graham doesn't understand some things. She has the view many people have of orphans."
Izzy spoke honestly, "When we first started the Home, we let anyone adopt. That was wrong. So many children were being sent back to us. It was hard on the parents and especially the children. Well, Mrs. Graham was one of our first to adopt two siblings, a boy and a younger girl. I won't bore you with the details but improper things happened between the children and they needed to be away from each other. They sent the boy back to the home. We found him a family. She had also sent the girl away to the Home where she also went with another family. They lived with Mrs. Graham for over five years. She did her best for them, they were just too much."
"How are they now?" Francesca asked bitterly.
"The boy ran away soon after they brought him there; he left to join the military. That was the last anyone heard from him. The girl did remarkably well in the new home."
Mabel spoke up. "I helped her out through that time. It was very hard on her. She had been unprepared for the events that went on. It has made her hard; we just need to pray God will heal her heart."
Liberty Ranch Page 8