"No further questions."
Maverick asked a few questions, which she tried to turn around to her own gain, then he stepped down, knowing it was just hurting their cause.
Andrew looked over to Katrina to find her eyes wet with tears. She had kept them at bay so far.
Bower stood. "Well, this is all for today. We will meet in two days. It will be a three-day trial. Thank you all who came."
Katrina walked out feeling like the blood was drained out of her.
Chapter 36
"How did Maryanne know all that? Andrew and I don't fight in public. We have never had a fight in front of the girls. Ask them! How did she come up with such lies?" Katrina asked Mabel as they took a walk the next day. “I have never felt more useless or dumb." She made a sarcastic sound. "And don't worry, the south tried their best."
Mabel nodded. “I am sure they did. Maryanne can be a very hard woman. She made up lies about me and my children when she first moved here. It hurt, but the rumors died away. And so will this." She took her arm as they walked around the pond. "And most of the people, at least the church ladies, know Maryanne can be spiteful. I just believe there is more than what she is saying. Something painful, deep inside causes her to act like this."
"But what about my pain?" Katrina cried. "I am sorry. That is selfish."
"No, you were hurt and so was I. You also have to remember that not many people will understand how we raise our children. Why do we make them eat before playing? Well, it might help them try to not kill their friends." She gave Katrina a sarcastic look. "You know what I mean? Not many of the church ladies do. When they first heard about us raising touched children, they said time and love would cure it, and when it didn't they didn't know how to react. It was like God wasn't answering our prayers. He is and He always will. But it might not be in the way we think or in the time we want. Just because something we make breaks doesn't mean we can fix it without a few issues. I pray in the future that they will understand what all our children can be."
Katrina looked at the ground, feeling the cold air in her lungs, waiting for the first winter snowfall. "But what if they are right? What if I am a bad mama because I can't hear them all the time?"
“You know that is not true. Those are just lies. They come from Satan. You have a lot of help. A husband that is working the ranch from home, you have sisters and brothers who are understanding and supportive." She grinned. "And you have me. What more could you ask for?"
"Ellen," Katrina whispered. Then she looked up. "I am sorry. I just miss her and now..."
Mabel took her hand, comforting her."You don't have to explain. I understand that mother's love. Just don't let your pain over Ellen and your hurts over Maryanne change you."
"I feel like I have changed already. I am harder, I feel like I can't control a thing in my life."
"Honey, we aren't meant to control our lives. God is always in control. But yes, times like this, all of it is in chaos."
"We should head back to the house now. Gloria is not used to the girl’s behaviors yet."
"Is Julia or Annie used to them?"
Katrina shook her head. “No, Annie ain't used to much. And Julia is pretty good with everything and now she is raising the younger children. It has grown her up some.”
"Marriage does that." Mabel winked. "Motherhood makes sure it happens."
Katrina chuckled. "You are never afraid of it."
Mabel shrugged. "I have been, but I try to find humor in almost everything."
Katrina heard screaming before she opened the door to see Carlissa, lying flat on her back, her legs flailing, her arms hitting everything. Gloria looked to be at a loss on what to do. Katrina didn't want to fix this problem this time. It hurt too much. Mabel came in behind her. The older woman had no emotion on her face. Mabel whispered, "You will always be a mother. You are their strong mama."
Katrina didn't even cry. She felt so frail. She didn't have it in her to get her daughter calm, but she was hurting herself. Suddenly Carlissa sat up and saw Katrina. Her anger and hate was so loud it was like she screamed it. Katrina didn't see it coming; Mabel pushed her out of the way as a glass hit the wall and shattered. Katrina walked over to her. She got down and didn't talk to her. Carlissa was too angry to think, to reason.
She had her arms around her and held her legs down so Carlissa didn't kick her. She tried rocking her. She closed her eyes but couldn't pray. She wasn't bitter at God. She just didn't know if it did any good. Was God with her while she held her child? Was He with her when she talked to her children about their past? Was He answering her prayers? Her heart cried out.
Suddenly Carlissa jerked and added curse words to her screaming. She became more forceful. Katrina wondered what she was doing here. Was she doing any good in her child's life? What had she done for them? Maybe she wasn't made to be a mother. Maybe God had made a mistake by giving her the girls. She knew she loved them and wanted what was best for them. But was that enough? Did her love not meet her children's needs?
When Sara had slapped at her, Sara’s eyes had held such hate, She remembered in that moment thinking she just wanted her daughter gone. She had thought it, and now God was making it come true. Maybe it was her? Maybe she was the reason they were being sent away? She wanted to cry out; she didn't mean to think such a thing. She would take it back if she could. She just wanted her babies. Her heart was open and breaking. She couldn't do anything well, parenting or being a wife. What was God trying to teach her? Why are You doing this?
Just like that, Carlissa stopped. She looked up at Mabel. "Hi, Mrs. Alexander." She even smiled.
Mabel took it like she did everything, calmly. "Hello, Carlissa."
Katrina let her go. Both stood up. She looked at everyone in the room. She couldn't take the look of pity and compassion. “I need to go.” She partly ran out. She didn't enjoy riding, so she just pulled up her skirt and ran.
Running across the field until her legs burned, she couldn't breathe. Falling to her knees, sobs from deep in her heart came out. She leaned against a tree near the creek, only hearing her own cries. She didn't know how much she could take. Ellen had told her she might get to a breaking point. Katrina was at her breaking point. It was here, and she didn't know if she could handle it. The tears made her feel like she couldn't breathe. It was more than just pain, but physically she couldn't take the suffering. This truly was the valley of the shadow of death. Deliver us from evil. Though her girls weren't gone yet, she ached to hold them. Oh, how she ached for them.
"IS THIS A NEW PAINTING, Rose?" Cole asked as he packed away another one of Julia's paintings.
Julia held some smaller ones and looked over where he was packing one of the larger ones. She smiled softly as she saw it, the one with the Great Shepherd watching over His sheep. "Yeah, something I did a bit ago."
Cole looked at her like he would find out the story behind it. Julia just winked at him, knowing they enjoyed finding new things about each other. Cole eyed her like he didn’t have the time to respond to that wink. He told her with his eyes they would finish it later.
Julia planned to wear David on her chest; she wrapped him like a baby and not a toddler. She only did it now when Cole was around. If he left the room, she would get David's full anger. She knew Cole couldn't always be there, but for now, he could be. She didn't know if it was helping, but it made her notice things about him she had never noticed before.
Hannah, Susan’s mother, had not come to see her daughter off. Julia could tell by Susan's face, there would be tears on the train.
Julia saw a boy run away and from the look on Cole's face that something was wrong on that note. "What does it say?"
Cole shook his head. He handed her the note. Matt held a screaming baby Mary and read over her shoulder. It read that Katrina and Andrew were losing their two little girls to an asylum.
He looked at the children. "On the train, kids. Westward ho!," he tried to say excitedly. Too nervous and excited, the children
missed what was going on with the adults.
Julia almost fell back. "No." She looked at Cole. "Is there anything we can do for them?"
Cole frowned. "Izzy and Juan Jose are there. There is nothing I can do from this far, but I will send a telegram saying we will pray and send another telegram in the following towns." He slammed his fist in his palm. "In all the years of running the home, our work never went to court. This ain't good." He looked at Julia. "Get everything loaded and I will reply."
Julia nodded, feeling so much dread for Katrina and Andrew. How they must be in such despair, such pain over this.
Susan took her hand. "Let's pray for them and our trip."
Matt came along with Mary, who had calmed a little. They all prayed for God to help Andrew and Katrina in their time of need, for a miracle to happen in the Starry family.
KATRINA STOOD UP AFTER the service. Her legs shook and she hoped no one noticed. Andrew would have if he was there, but he was away with Juan Jose. After looking at Pastor Peter one more time, she knew she would never be back in this church. She wanted to weep. So many dreams gone. He had meant his sermon for them.
Holding Carlissa's hand and having Sara walk next to her, she headed to the door. Old Mrs. Landon stopped her before she got to the door. She took Katrina's hand like she was a dear old friend. "Mrs. Starry, don't you worry yourself. This is all for the best. These girls will go back to where they belong and the older girl will move on. Then you and Andrew can start with a baby. Like it's supposed to be." She said it so friendly like, it was the truth and she even meant well.
It cut Katrina like a knife. She pulled her hand away as if she had been burned. Biting her lip so she couldn't speak, she wished Andrew were there to set this woman straight. She could feel Sara harden next to her. She felt Carlissa withdraw more. She knew Francesca was ready to explode, a fire about to be lit. She couldn't speak. If she did, she knew she would cry, and she had been doing good at not crying in front of the girls.
Jerry stepped up with his arm around his wife, Gloria. "Now Mrs. Landon, I am sorry you believe that. That you accept the lie so many believe. I used to believe the same way about God. Some believe he is all about judgment and no mercy. Some believe He is all love and mercy and no judgment. I believed the first, and I believe you have too. You see God as a God who set out to hurt and judge everyone, but He is a merciful God. He was merciful to the thief on the cross. He was merciful to the woman at the well. He is merciful to the weak and the blind. He is loving and merciful. Yes, he is also a God of judgment, and I believe He will also judge His church, His people for turning away His children. It says whoever hurt my little ones will not go on without judgment. He will protect the orphans. Yes, even ones who are touched. See you might know of God, but in your heart, you don't know God."
Mrs. Landon blinked back like she hadn’t thought of it that way.
"What do you say, Pastor Peter?" Jesse challenged the pastor listening to them. He held Izzy's hand.
Pastor Peter walked closer and held his head high, like he was glad they finally asked his advice. "Well, I won't comment on what Mr. Emerson just spoke of. He is a young, naive man. I believe the asylum should be used sparingly and with care. Katrina and Andrew have tried their best, but think of what the Bible says about giving Caesar what is his. Leave it up to the law to decide what is best for these children."
Katrina gasped at his words. Pastors had hurt her in the past, but nothing like this. This cut to the core. This was her children he was speaking of so cheaply as if they belonged to the government. She stood there and watched the pastor's face in disbelief. How could he turn on them like that? She let the tears fall for the first time in front of her daughters as she cried. In front of the church members. In front of a man who was supposed to lead the children of God, she cried.
Katrina watched Annie step outside as she wanted away from the conflict. Odd how one sister ran from any dispute while one sister stood in front of it, no matter what it cost her.
Sara walked up to him, her face red, her back straight. Her entire body was shaking in fear as she stood in front of Pastor Peter. "I will see you in Hell, Pastor!" She leaned up and spit in his face, then ran out like he would chase her.
Izzy went after her, silently walking past the pastor. Katrina could tell she had turned her feelings off. She was just going through the motions, Mabel called it.
Katrina still couldn't seem to move or speak. She held onto Carlissa tightly. The child looked confused from all the conflict. Katrina just held her and cried. For a child who had to learn too early that life was hard. She cried because her own mama was not there to fight for her. To fight with her. She cried because no matter what, Ellen was right. It wasn't about what state, what part of the country, even what year it was. It mattered if they knew the value of human life and really treated everyone equally. Colorado territory did not differ from Alabama. It was the same people. It was just how they viewed God's children.
Katrina might not be able to speak, but her oldest daughter's fuse broke loose. Francesca walked up to the pastor, her arms crossed, her jaw set. Her face was as hard as a rock, like anything the pastor would say to her wouldn't make a dent in her heart. Katrina saw through her facade - if the pastor said anything, Fran could be crushed again as she had by so many others.
"Do you know why she wants to meet you in hell? Because before she goes back to the asylum, that is where she will go. Pa can’t protect her, neither can Ma, not Preacher Juan Jose, and even Maverick can't help her. It will be up to the government. You preacher man, as you call it." She swore. "You know what, Katrina was right. You might be a learned man, but you don't understand the value of life. You don't understand how hard life in an asylum is. I wish you could walk a day in Sara's life at the asylum. You can't imagine what life is like for her. But you can't, you're a man." Francesca looked at Katrina.
The look in Francesca's eyes made Katrina cry all the harder for her. She was so broken. So lost in believing the doubts this pastor believed. Katrina didn't know what to say. Her whole world was coming down. She knew she would lose the girls in the court. She knew Francesca would go back to that life, and if she didn't, she would be in that life in her mind. "I loved you, Mama." Francesca shrugged like she couldn't help it. "I can't do it anymore. They have won."
Katrina shook her head and stepped forward and took her hand. "I love you and will always love you no matter what."
Francesca's face didn't soften, she just looked at her with angry eyes, almost black. Katrina kept her gaze. Francesca's eyes were asking her to make this hurt go away.
Katrina kept her gaze and kept it lovingly. Kept it light no matter how hard she wanted to fall to the ground and just sob.
She almost shook her head. She couldn't fix this. Only a miracle could. Francesca was right, she knew the outcome. The state had won. She wept as her daughter glared at her to fix her life. Knowing she couldn't was one of the hardest things she had ever had to face.
Chapter 37
Katrina had almost everyone looking for Francesca again. With the hearing underway, it made everything more dangerous. They had three more days until the last hearing. She walked out to the creek to see if she was there. If not, Andrew said he would check the brothels again. She closed her eyes and prayed her daughter wasn't back in one of those places. Walking to the edge of the woods, she spotted Phoenix. Izzy was furious when Francesca took Phoenix without asking. Well, she had to get in line. She walked closer and saw Francesca sitting against a tree looking over at the river. She looked tired, but almost at peace. Her face and body were relaxed. The girl was hardly ever relaxed.
Katrina was about to walk over when she heard someone call Francesca's name. Looking around like Francesca did, she saw Timmy ride up. He dismounted and looked concerned, but not angry. "What are you doing here, Francesca?"
Francesca didn't move and shrugged like she didn't care. "Nothin'," she muttered.
Katrina could read her lips very well
from where she stood behind an enormous tree. She could also read Timmy's lips. She waited and watched what would happen.
Timmy tied his horse, walked over to the tree across from her, and sat down. "What are you doing here?" he asked again.
"I was sick of being watched and needed a break. When I couldn't get past anyone, Sawyer was in the barn watching. I started to cry and I told him I needed to talk to Katrina. Like I ever would do that. I made a break for it," Francesca told him, as a matter of fact.
The words hurt Katrina. She wanted to be needed.
Timmy smiled. "And you took off with Miss Izzy's horse. She is madder than a wet hen."
Francesca chuckled. "I am sure she is. Phoenix knows the land. He is fast enough to pass all the men."
Timmy grinned. "The men are good at protecting others."
"I reckon." Francesca nodded. "They should get work with the US. Marshalls."
"And work the hearing. They do that pretty well." He looked concerned. "Are you all right, Fran?"
Francesca shrugged again. "I am just so tired of it all."
He frowned. "I am sorry for what Pastor Peter told you. He was so wrong."
"How have you gone to that church for so long?" Francesca asked. "Y'all are so different from Peter."
Timmy nodded. "He is a hard preacher man. We went through some pretty hard stuff with him when we adopted my brothers, but a lot of that is in the past now."
"Did your parents pay for your brothers?" Francesca's mouth was hard. "For you?"
Katrina would have laughed at Francesca. She was trying so hard to offend Timmy and he just shrugged like it was nothing. He was tough as nails, for sure.
"Nope. I was a freebie," he stated with lightness. "If you expect to offend me, I have heard it all before. Strangers will tell you everything. I was a free baby because of the birthmark on my face. My parents paid for my brothers. And the other boys we got from the streets of Denver."
Liberty Ranch Page 28